Saturday, June 05, 2010
Hello all, this is my last full week of break. A few days left. A reminder has been received. A request has been made. I think I will get more freaked out nearer to the day but there's no point of doing that ya? I should just again bring positivity in.So what did I do this week. Monday and Tuesday were rather hard. I had to help my neighbour from back home at the request of my mom. Let me just say I don't deal well with bad tempered people and people who cries. The situation kinda stressed me out and so I don't think I helped them well. I didn't help them up to the end and it really kinda shows that I am not a good person :( And to illustrate to that point more, I am kinda fearful that I'm gonna get some serious bad karma for not helping them all the way :( aarrrgghhh ... I think the only reason I prayed for forgivenes a lot is because I am fearful of the punishment. What a self-absorbed person, no?
Moving on. Movies of the week are Ne Te Retourne Pas and Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. Ne Te Retourne Pas is a French movie with a bit of Italian in it. There are 2 influential European actress in it as the leading role, Sophie Marceau who is so French and Monica Bellucci who is so Italian. The story is about a woman who was discovering that she was raised as someone else. I thought the suspense build up to move the story was unnecessary but I guess they thought it's a clever way to deliver the story. One of the resolution scenes was deeply symbolical and meaningful. I thought it was good. However the last scene didn't really go down well for me. One may interpret it as having the experience of 2 different persons influencing one's life but for me it's kinda showing a person with double personality. Overall I thought the movie was okay. I guess I am not more excited about it because I just don't like the suspense much. I was so tired so I didn't try hard to understand the French and Italian but it was really good to be hearing Italian again and the Italian guy was definitely more handsome! Speaking of Italian, ieri ho provato di guardare Azur et Asmar di nuovo. La mia versione è in Italiano. L'ho guardato senza il sotto titolo. Ho potuto capire ma forse perchè l'ho guardato prima così ho potuto indovinare il significato. Ma devo ammettere che non è facile per me scrivere in Italiano di nuovo adesso. Le parole francesi e italiane stanno mescolando nella mia testa :( Non parlo il francese bene e dimentico il mio italiano, arrrgghh! Devo guardare i film italiani più!!! Oh yeah, speaking of Azur et Asmar, for some reason I was thinking that it would be cool to be able to speak Arabic.
Next movie was Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time which I thought was okay. For me it wasn't amazingly good. It was good but not amazing. It didn't get me as excited as when I watched the first Pirates of the Carribbean movie. I like adventure and such but somehow I didn't get too drawn into Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time and I am not rooting much for Prince Dastan. What excited me the most about the movie was actually the setting, the palaces, and the decor inside it. I am loving the arch doorway and the colourful tile mosaic. Well perhaps I am just in this phase currently. Maybe I will soon come back to my pastel Martha Stewart phase :P Anyway back to the movie, it's not bad. I may even watch the sequel of it which I am sure they are planning. For a movie set in Persia, they really removed any Islamic tone in it which is a bit of shame, I felt. By the way, do you know if you wikipedia Persia, it will take you to Iran? Interesting.
I thought that The A-Team would come out this week so that I could watch it as my last parting gift of days of freedom and without responsibilty. Sadly I am mistaken :( I wanted to watch the movies in The Italian Film Festival however they have very limited showing and at a timing which is not so friendly for people with a lot of free time. Foreign film festivals are intended to bring other culture to the people here, however I think commercially it's not viable for the cinemas to give many slots for the movies, which is a shame because it hinders the many people who are actually interested to watch them :(
What else to write? I don't feel like writing much anymore. I'm just gonna post a lot of orchids pictures and a little merlion that I took when I was wandering out yesterday. I didn't feel like putting them on Flickr. I realized how boring my pictures are. I really need to learn to take pictures of people more. Oh yeah, I tried the circle line yesterday for the first time and I think the Esplanade station is kinda inappropriately named. It should be named Suntec instead or City Link. One still has to walk quite a distance to Esplanade when one alights at the Esplanade station. Suntec though becomes quite a breeze. You get to skip the whole city link section. Well that's what I think, unless I stupidly took the wrong exit and went through the longer route. Okay, here are the pictures peeps.
:) eKa @ 8:12:00 PM • 0 comments
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Hello all! The weather is so unapologetically hot. I hate it so much! What kinda more annoying is, there was thunder rumbling and yet there's no rain.So anyway, today is week 2 of my break. Did do a few stuff this week. Had a medical check-up, went to see Marina Barrage, watched Shrek, and had lunch with Ms. J and The Flying Nun. As I mentioned, the weather has been really hot that it was quite a torture exploring Marina Barrage. You can see some pictures here. There's a maquette of that area of Singapore and I tried to mark the landmarks. I have to embarassingly admit that I had to think hard on some of the landmarks. I hope I didn't get any wrong. Here you go. Hope it helps you get an idea of the location of each place in relation to the others.
Today in class, Mr.N labelled me as someone who is 'open' to other people. Darn, since when I become the 'open' one? Am I not the 'closed' one. Somehow being labelled as 'open' doesn't go down well for me. I was thinking maybe I should be more quiet from now one. I am not that friendly of a person and somehow I don't want to be perceived as one. Okay maybe I used the wrong word. Maybe I am friendly but I am actually really really shy. I still don't want to try to start a conversation and introduce myself in a group of strangers. It's just not me. It surprises me how I don't like to be seen as one friendly bubbly person. I know it's weird and no I don't want to change. But the fact is maybe I am changing :( Today in class I also realized how structured my thoughts are. It doesn't seem to give much rooms for creativity. I am so serious in my thoughts and opinions that it gets pretty boring for me :( I realized how other people can be so interesting in their thoughts and opinions. However at the same time I also felt that they may not address or answer the question properly. My structured brain is so boring and uptight. I have become so into problem - solution, that I perhaps have lost the ability to see that problem may not be a problem and a solution may not be needed. I don't know if you get what I mean.
Speaking of being serious. A lot of the TV series that I am watching is ending (Ugly Betty, Lost) or ended for this season (House, Grey's Anatomy, How I Met Your Mother), or is ending for this season real soon (Glee) that I was wondering what's the next TV series I should occupy my brain with. Well I have The Big Bang Theory, but that's only 1 replacement for the many which end. Then I tried watching Gossip Girl and man!!! I was thinking how people can watch this and don't feel like they are getting dumber. Maybe I am not a teenager anymore that I don't find interest in this or perhaps I have become that serious that I don't find it brainy enough. It's not like Lost which I really like and not as witty and meaningful as Ugly Betty and Glee. I thought the only interesting thing about Gossip Girl was Penn Badgley. Even so, I don't think it will be enough to capture my attention for the whole 3 seasons. On other pop culture talk, I keep on forgetting to write this. I recently acquired Train's album Save Me, San Francisco and I really really like it. I think if I have to answer what kind of music that defines me, somehow I feel that this define me well. Some people may find it pretty ordinary but maybe at the essence I am ordinary? Another self-contradiction of me. I am hungry now and as usual someone out there is cooking something that smells so nice, aaarrrghhhh!!!
:) eKa @ 9:34:00 PM • 0 comments
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Break Week 1 ... Well Not Quite
This week supposed to be my first week of break but it didn't really come to that. Less than 24 hours since I walked out of the door, Chucky called asking if he could ask me to help him with something. I think he's already so into his role that he knows how to choose such words to make one feels important. Anyways, I thought why not but we were kinda hitting a wall when we reached the issue of 'denaro'. Then I got a call from someone who is kinda pleading for my good side and so in the end, I kinda gave in and Ms. Eka was back out of retirement on Thursday and Friday. I forget how tiring it could be. I don't think I was in my finest form but I think we did good. I am pretty satisfied with the results. I realize how I don't like noisy people. I guess I don't like people who talks a lot without much substance and I also realize how when I am around those people, instead of confronting them, I decide to just be more quiet around them, to the point of me stop speaking, and with hatred building up more and more. I suppose I have to find better ways to resolve certain things :PAfter all that, I got very very tired. I was still very tired this morning that I had such a hard time waking up and switching my brain on. Somehow it made me miss Mr.P though it's never been a good idea to face Mr.P with half-dead brain. The thing is no matter how torturous Mr.P can be, he could definitely wake you up and I really really miss having a good laugh. Anyway, leave me alone with some people who are all quiet, my interrogative side bounds to surface. I think it's got something to do with my defence mechanism. It's like before people start wondering or sizing me up, I open fire first. So I was kinda asking Mr.N about how long he's been here and such and it came out in conversation that Mr.P is leaving Singapore very very soon. I got pretty sad even though I barely know him. It's always sad when someone is leaving? LM was saying how sad that we would never get him anymore, which is very true. He must have considered this move well after the many years he spends here. So I suppose it's a happy beginning for him. Still I am sad about people moving on because I feel that I'm still in the same place, which is kinda silly when I thought about it on the bus ride home, because the fact is, I am moving on. I am starting something new in a few weeks time. I think the nerves are creeping in. In a way I kinda hope that the nerves would just tire me out that when the day comes, all I can do is surrender. I think at the end of the day, that's kinda what matters, you have to surrender and let God or the power of the universe do their job to help you.
I did spend this week doing stuffs for myself. Been trying to learn something new but I think I kinda fail badly, aaarrggghh!!! For someone who is not bad at certain things, I do sucks at other things. Christ! I hope I can get my head around it soon. Did watch a movie this week, which was The Losers. The only way I can describe this movie is, it's another version of The A-Team. I didn't have much expectation for The Losers. I just hoped it was going to be entertaining enough but somehow even that fell kinda short. It was still interesting, still kinda fun, but I think they also tried to put some seriousness in it which I didn't really welcome. I hate that the story has a traitor in it. I was really really hoping that the traitor was just a decoy but it wasn't. I really hate traitors :P Anywho, I am looking forward for The A-Team though seeing the actors being cast for it made me kinda disappointed. I don't think the actors that they chose represent the characters well. This is even though the handsome Bradley Cooper is in it. Somehow I found him to be too rugged to play Face :P When I was young, I like the tv series very much that I have high expectation for the movie version. Right now, it doesn't look like it's gonna be amazing for me but nevertheless I am looking forward for it. Other than movie, well not much really. Did have dinner, did have ice-cream, and tea! Yes that is strange, especially that it cost S$6 for a small pot. Luckily I didn't pay for that :P Next week seems to be quite busy for me :( I hope I will be able to put something substantial inside my brain next week. For a person who supposes to be having a relaxing-worry-free break, I am putting too much pressure on myself, ya? Damn, I really don't know how to relax. I do still have to admit though that I am not that sad and in intense worry this week :) So life is pretty good and I hope yours is too :)
:) eKa @ 9:36:00 PM • 0 comments
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Hello everyone! How has the weekend been treating you so far? Do you sense a bit of happiness in that sentence? ;p Anyways, the sky has been dark and cloudy, the wind is blowing, the thunder has been rumbling and yet it hasn't really rained yet :( It's been really hot these days, some cold air would be great!Okay, enough small talk about the weather. Gonna share something about the major happening that I hinted in the last post. This week I ended a 6-year relationship. People who knows me knows that I have no boyfriend but I feel the word 'relationship' is not only reserved for boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. It can be about many things which involves you putting yourself into it. So this week, the day that everyone has been wondering if it ever happens and when, happened. Ironically not many people knows about it and somehow I don't really feel like going around telling people in my contact list. Perhaps I look forward for them to find out on their own, to hear them gasp and say, "OH MY GOD!!!" or "Finally!!!". Finally indeed, after around 6 years and 3 months.
I have been imagining that day many times but when it happened it didn't happen the way I imagined it to be. There were not much sadness. A lot of relief. I would liken it to being able to finally breathe. Just like my cousins said, it's like tonnes of weight are gone from my shoulders and heart. I've always imagined of the parting gifts and the thank you email that I would do. I did none of that. I suppose it's because many people that I would sincerely thank have departed before me. Perhaps my exit could be handled better, however I think I shouldn't do things to please people when obviously I've never been looked after properly. In the end, how bad or how wrong people think it was, I can proudly and happily say or sing, I did it my way! :) and anyway, why should we care about what people think, right? I know for me, in the end, I don't freaking care.
So I am having a 3-week break. Aarrrghh, days can really go by fast :( but I am trying not to think about that. I just want to breathe and enjoy the blue sky. I would really really really like to be outside and be under the blue sky. The plan for now is to be a tourist in Singapore and to learn as much as I can. It's Sunday evening peeps and I have no worries. I am not depressed. I am light and at peace. I've wanted this feeling for so long and it really does feel good. Maybe this feeling won't last, maybe it will. For now I am just thankful for every worry-free breathe that I am taking.
Oh, as for the title, ask me personally to know what it means ;) If you are a Singaporean who's into 4D or toto (which I am still not sure how to do), you can use those numbers and if you win something, well I am in need of a free dinner or lunch or gelato! Take care peeps. I wish you lots of happiness and peace :)
:) eKa @ 6:53:00 PM • 0 comments
Friday, May 07, 2010
For some reason, I ended up watching Shutter Island today. I didn't enjoy it. I kinda regret watching it. It's too serious for my brain and it's just the wrong movie for me right now. I knew what it was all about before going in. I knew I didn't like the theme and yet I still went in. Hmmm, nothing much else can be said about the movie. With Leonardo DiCaprio always acting in serious movies, I kinda wish he would do a more "fun" movie.For some reason, I am again short of cash. This time it's really bad. Aaarrrggghhhh. Looking at the near future, I may need a substantial amount of cash. Aaarrrgghh, I hate having to dig in into the stash. But I have to :'(
There's something major happening with me right now. But I cannot give details yet. Well most probably I will not give much details here anyway since I like to keep my private things private. I just need lots of prayer. My nerves are all over the place. I have much fear which is really very sinful of me. I prayed to God and yet it doesn't seem I have faith in the path He's giving me. I really have to repeat, If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it over and over again. I have to believe in that. Take care peeps. I wish you a peaceful life.
:) eKa @ 9:25:00 PM • 0 comments
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
As I am writing this, I realized that if I had written this post yesterday evening or this morning, I would have written different things and the mood of the post will be very different. Especially if it had been written this this morning. Somehow I kinda got annoyed and was pissed off this morning although I didn't actually have a bad morning. I was just being selfish, I suppose. I am calmer now. Not necessarily in a happy mode, but I am trying to force happy thoughts in and be calm and be strong. Must push bad thoughts away!!!Yesterday, I had the chance to watch Iron Man 2 and I love it! I think I love the Iron Man movies for the same reason I like the Pirates of the Carribbean movies, because the main leads are just so cool. I love Captain Jack Sparrow and despite of Tony Stark can be so annoying with his confidence, I like him precisely for that reason. In fact, I kinda wish I have a tinsy-winsy of his self-confidence, because I realize I have none. How can people have faith in you when you don't, right? But seriously in my life, there are people who have a lot of confidence in me, more than myself. Yesterday, I was thinking that I am missing. Eka is missing. Many people may have known me as me because they have always known me this way, but I have been with me for 28 years plus, and seriously, I'm not me anymore. Something is missing in me. I don't know if you all can get it or if you all will like me more when the real essence of me resurface. I believe some people will get what I'm saying. When Rista came weeks ago, she talked about how one of our high school friend doesn't feel like her anymore, like she's a different person. I gave justification on why it happens. When you have failed many times, you are just changed by that constant defeats. I told Rista, it's happening to me. But Rista still feels that I am still the same, though maybe I surprised her with some of my bitchy-ness. However believe me people, something is missing from me. The core in the Singapore me is not what I used to be. I'm not saying that after spending years here, I have turned for the worse. There are characters improvements in me, but there's this core essence that I cannot feel anymore. I am missing, Eka is missing. That's the only way I can explain it. I feel sad about it, I don't know how to bring her back. I need her back, she's the strong one. I need Eka back :(
Err ... that's depressing, ya? When what I actually started off was talking about Iron Man 2. Anyway, yeah I like the movie. The action sequence was same old same old for me. I love the japanese garden by the way! What I like the most about this movie were the lines that the characters said. They were funny and witty. It makes this movie more laid back and highly entertaining without the deep philosophical shit like all the Batman movies and at the same time not so dumb like the Fantastic 4 movies. I think with such witty lines, all the characters come accross as more interesting, even for characters that appears on only 1-2 scenes. Me being the weird me, somehow was noticing the cutting of Tony Stark's pants. Somehow he always seemed to be wearing pants which were rather loose. I don't know if there were any reasoning for that, but I do feel that it's rather interesting. It's like trying to be formal and yet at the same time, trying to still be relaxed and not so tightly formal, which is obviously inline with Tony Stark's character, of not really following the rule :P I am that strange! Do watch it people. It's very entertaining and I think it's a good start for summer blockbusters :)
I've uploaded some pictures from the Singapore Science Centre and the Chinese Garden visit last Saturday. You can click the links there. I don't think there are a lot of interesting pictures from the Singapore Science Centre. This is a picture from the Tesla Experiment. Not a good picture but I love how the lightning appeared.
These few are from the Chinese Garden. I am a sucker for flowers.
:) eKa @ 9:53:00 PM • 0 comments
Saturday, May 01, 2010
So today is a public holiday which doesn't get many people excited because today is a Saturday, however I was so excited about it. I was excited about being able to wake up later but sadly I couldn't wake up as late as I wanted to. Today was spent at the Pixar Exhibition and Singapore Science Centre. Vivy was the one who booked the tickets for me and she included the Science Centre as well, which is good, I guess that's another thing off my Singapore list. Vivy and Denny were there too. The Pixar Exhibition was not bad. It kinda took us 2 hours to complete it, so there's pretty much a lot of things to see. There's some short animated film that they created way back in the early days when I was just a toddler. A lot of paintings of the storyboards and character designs. Kinda cool to see all those sketches. You can see that the papers were rather crumpled, because these things were really on their walls when they did production on these famous movies. So they surely had been touched and poked many times by many people. They really do have a lot of creative people and amazing artists.The coolest thing that I saw was the Zoetrope example that they did with the Toy Story characters. It's amazing for me because it relies on the fact of how our brain inteprets things. It uses strobe light which the Science Center also uses in one of their exhibition. Me being philosophical and all was thinking that a single moment of darkness, a single blink of an eye, really can change the way we perceive things. I don't know if it's a bad thing though, seeing something as not what it really really is, but perhaps it's just some mechanism / feature that God chose to put in us to help us see the beauty in something, or perhaps just a defense mechanism in us to make us think that something is good instead of not. Taking pictures is not allowed inside the exhibition. I didn't try. I think you kinda can get away with it because there weren't many staff and they ones who were inside were just standing in one corner and joking.
These Monster Inc monsters are at the front door greeting the people.
After which, I decided to go to Chinese Garden. Don't ask me why, I just thought it would be interesting. Took some pictures but in the end, decided not to hang around long. It was hot and I was getting really tired. So after that I decided to just call it the day. After around 3 weeks of abstaining from junk food, I gave in to temptation in a crazy manner today. Breakfast was KFC AM meal. I've always wondered how they taste. Obviously I didn't try all of them. I tried the waffles and eggs and a honey biscuit. It was nice and cheaper compared to McDonalds or Burger King. I love how the portion is really just nice, compared to McDonalds which can sometime feel like too much, and compared to Burger King which obviously just crazy much for 1 person to finish. Anyway, I am interested to try the chicken porridge from KFC. Dinner was McWings meal from McDonalds. I even chose upsize! Plus McFlurry as well. I did finish them all and I'm actually still pretty hungry right now. Too much junk in my body right now :(
I wanted to share a piece of thought. Dagi got me The Sister's Keeper for Christmas which I still haven't finished reading! Yeah, I should be embarrassed for that. Anyway, yesterday I read some lines said by a character which they removed in the movie adaption. The lines go like this, If you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them. I wanted to rebut that, but I realized I couldn't really do so in all honesty. The question that I ask myself is, have I in the end enjoyed and desired solitude too much that right now I am asking for it a lot? It's so often that I wish people would just disappear and I could be on my own with peace and quiet. People may argue that everyone always need some time alone but people may not get how I really really don't want to have people around me most of the time. I do want to have my mom around me though right now. I miss my mom!!! I just want to be safe and protected :( Oh well, good night peeps! Take care!
:) eKa @ 9:23:00 PM • 0 comments
Saturday, April 24, 2010
I've been avoiding writing this clearly in the blog because I don't like to expose much of myself online. I can't really say how I choose to write things clearly or not, like why I wrote some people's names with their actual names and on others I don't do so. This next thing I'm gonna write gonna be extremely difficult to go into if I don't write clearly what it is. So here you go. I've been taking french classes every saturday morning for almost a year now. See how strange it is that I have been hiding it and had been mentioning it under the code name "saturday engagement". Anyway, every 2 terms, we have to go through a test and today we had a test. Been studying for it simply because I want to kick ass and french doesn't actually come easily for me. My Italian knowledge does help a lot but one thing that I hate the most about french is that pronunciation is a torture for me. I can have all these grammartical knowledge and yet people may still don't get me because I cannot pronounce the words correctly :( Anyway, today's test went okay. The listening part was horrible for me. I didn't expect it to be that confusing. The writing part was boring. Our teacher went through exactly the same composition last week. I tried to write my own today but I just don't find a weekend in Bintan to be interesting to write about.What I want to talk about is the orale part which I am quite pleased with the result. Me and Letitia were the last ones to go through it with the teacher who's testing us and little boy Nicky was so anxious to find out the result that he was waiting for the teacher to be done with us. Since Nicky pushed him to tell him the result, I got to find out my result as well. I got 9 out 10 for part 1 and 18 out of 20 for part 2. So I think it's pretty awesome. Letitia scored the same mark for part 1 but she got 16 for part 2. Still I think it's a very very good result. I am kinda embarrased with the fact that we made the stupidest and basic mistake ever. All the teachers that have taught me (I have had 4 so far) are so gonna strangle me. You see, me and Letitia said "Je suis bien" to say "I'm fine" which is the wrong way to say that in French. The teacher who did the test with us was like, first of all, you don't say "Je suis bien", you must say "Je vais bien". Basic stuff and we got it wrong. It's embarrassing but it's kinda the same mistake that I have done with my Italian as well. The thing is we tend to translate the sentence from English and well, different nations use different words to say "I am fine". I actually didn't think that the orale part went amazingly well since this teacher wanted to have small talks with us after we finished the parts stated on the test. I even spoke in english in answering his questions. He was asking what we do and what we like to do. Obviously I said I like watching movies. He asked if I had watched Les Chèvres du Pentagone. I was like, what?!? But when he mentioned George Clooney, I got it that it means The Men Who Stare at Goats. The translated title wasn't so literal that it threw me a bit. Well I wish I could have been more fluent and expressed myself better but it's pretty cool for me to be able to have that little connection in another language :)
Believe it or not, I have completed my elementary level and gonna start intermediate in 2 weeks. Sometime I can't believe that I am able to stay and hang on in doing something. When I first started Italian, I went in with the mindset, I would just gonna try it and there's nothing to lose. If I couldn't make it or if I sucked, I could just stop. I stayed with it for 3 years and had much fun and it led to one of the amazing thing that has happened in my life. Well, to be able to speak Italian albeit not amazingly fluent is also an amazing thing that has happened in my life. Anyway, with French, I came in with a more committed mode because I have survived Italian, but I am still pretty amazed with myself that I have managed to hang on this long :) I have had people who told me I'm pretty crazy to be willing to sacrifice every saturday morning for class. Well, it kinda makes me happy. It's one thing that I really do for myself so I guess that's where the happiness comes from :P Anyway, gonna be sad that many of my classmates are not continuing :( Mau and Jacky are taking afternoon classes. Letitia is stopping before continuing on weekday classes. Alice is taking a break too. Il Raggio gonna be taking intensive classes. Little boy Nicky doesn't want to go through this anymore. Well I kinda hope his mother gonna pushes him :P He and il Raggio have provided much comic relief, so it's kinda sad to see them go. There were actually many people in the class, but now only less than 5 remain. I kinda look forward to see new people :) Hope they are all gonna be amusing :D For now, I'm just happy that we get 1 week break :D
On other news, yesterday I was crying my eyes out. I can't remember when the last time I cried or when the last time I cried that much. I kinda had a bad day. I just don't like hearing all the bullshits over and over again and to be put down is never an encouraging thing to deal with. Then I heard news of someone is leaving. I really cannot divulge details. But I was thinking the last time I had to deal with difficult separation, I had Italy to get me out of the sadness. This time around, I have nothing. Well, maybe if I seriously project some positivity, miracle can happen. Anyways, the reason why I cried was because I called home and talked to my mom. I believe it is not only the child that grows up but parents grow up to. I guess people change their ideals as they get older and know more and understand more. My mom and dad are pretty amazing for me. I know I have written about this before but I just always always get stunned when I hear their suppport for my happiness. They don't want me to get hurt and obviously right now, the stress has really taken a toll on my body (I took 3 headache pills in less than 5 hours today). They really just want me to be happy. One would think that with that kind of support, one would be ready to just let go. However maybe I do like self torture (I actually suspect that I do really do this) or as I sometime do, I stupidly justify that to give up is to lose and I don't take losing well. But I just lost it yesterday and cried and prayed. I don't get God right now. Maybe it's not important to understand Him, what important is to have faith in Him that this is part of a big master plan. Well just like all the characters in Lost, that faith is wavering. I am trying to still be positive though, to keep my mental pond still regardless of the pebbles thrown. Please help me God. Well, I hope you guys are having better days.
:) eKa @ 9:33:00 PM • 0 comments
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Met Rista today for lunch :) She had a 12-hour transit here before she flies to Jakarta. I only met her for lunch because I had my usual saturday engagement this morning and so she went to meet up with her cousin first. She did a bit of shopping. I also got myself a few stuffs, which after I assessed my financial state just now, I shouldn't have spent money on unnecessary things :( You know, it's really nice that a foreigner can claim GST refund. Rista would be able to claim back around S$46 for her purchase today, that's not bad! It was really really nice to see her and just speak Indonesian. When she saw me, she commented that I looked good and prettier. Err ... pretty / beautiful is not really something that is associated to me so it was kinda surprising and flattering when she said that. It also brought into question, why the hell I am still single now. When we were waiting for our food to come, apparently there were some seconds in her head in which she was trying to analyze what's wrong with me or the universe, that I haven't had a boyfriend, ever!?! :D If you ask me why, I think it's perhaps because it's not the thing that I really want the most in my life right now. So I don't know ... my mom may argue, hence change your mind. Maybe. I don't know. In our lunch today, I was telling Rista that I just have certain things that I expect to see in "the guy" and also certain way in how I see things in life, and perhaps those are immature and selfish thoughts and so until I am able to be more mature in my thoughts, I will not gonna get any guy. But you see, "any guy" is not "the guy" and right now, I just don't want to settle. I don't want just "any guy", I want "the guy"! Maybe I will have him someday, maybe I will not. Maybe I will eventually settle. I don't know. Before she went in for the immigration check and we had to say goodbye, she said, don't worry, there'll definitely somebody for you. This really took me by surprise! Seriously?!?! After all that we talked about, we came back to this again? :P I suppose the fact that this thought came to my head really showed that having someone is really not on the top of my list :PSo anyway, Rista is going home for 2 weeks to prepare for her wedding in July. It's gonna be a mad rush. I really want to go to her wedding in Medan and have the chance to see Danau Toba. I've never been to Medan, so it's gonna be an exciting experience. However since there will most probably noone that I know of there, I kinda wonder if the trip will happen :( I am asking my mom if she's interested. Anyway, in the topic of love and such. I was telling Rista that her story is like 500 days of summer. She was with someone before and they were moving towards marriage. However towards the end, she just couldn't do it. I believe that there were other reasons, but some of it was because she wasn't willing to give up her life in Australia right now. But with her fiancee now, she's willing to do that although they actually haven't gone out for a long time. Yes, they do know each other for some time, but they are not in this boyfriend-girlfriend relationship for a long time and she's already very sure about this leap. I do ask her about this a few times. She said this guy just feels right and not just that, everything just falls into place easily. So maybe that's what it is, when it's right, it's right? It's so vague and I do have to say that I am not even sure that I believe that, that it could happen :D Okay, maybe I should just :P
This week has been alright, I think. In the spirit of being positive, I'm not gonna say negative things, even though I have nightmares haunting me and I have started not being able to sleep again :( Sometime it gets so bad that I wonder if I actually slept when I woke up :( Oh well. Today is day 10 of my medication. Last day! Finished one of the drugs after lunch today and I am left with another one that I had to take before I go to sleep. This one is the hardest part :( I feel happy that it's over but at the same time I feel rather worried if things are really getting better because so far things just feel strange for me :( Well, I just have to hope for the best. Okay, that's pretty much it peeps. Nothing interesting happened in my life. Take care all!
:) eKa @ 8:05:00 PM • 0 comments
Saturday, April 10, 2010
I can list many things that go wrong this week, things that I have to endure that leave me dead spiritually. But after all the things that have happened this week, I'm gonna share the one that I actually don't really share with anyone. Aside from my parents (I don't know who they tell), there are only 3 other people that I told the details to. So why am I sharing it now? Well, you're still not gonna get the full details. It's just I feel like getting what concerns me the most in life currently out there. In a way, it's kinda me taking care of myself by getting it out of my chest.I know not many people read this blog, but just in case you do, maybe you remember that before I went home for Chinese New Year, I wrote that something really really bad and wrong happened in my body. I didn't do anything about it because I was just too freaked out to deal with it which actually is a really bad thing to do. So I went home and the bad thing that happened to my body stopped, but I did got sick went I went home and I had to see the doctor twice. So perhaps the body was just focused on going self-destroyed in other modes. So anyway, I realized the bad thing happened again this week. Well maybe it's been happening since I got back but perhaps I was in such a self-denial state that I haven't really looked into it but somehow this week I realized it happens again :'( So I finally got to see the doctor. Was feeling quite stressed out when I met her. She wanted to properly examine me but somehow or another she couldn't really do so and I think it's also because I was already quite freaking out. She did manage to do basic examination and she was optimistic about it. She gave me medications for 10 days which I am following quite religiously. But still the medications are stressing me out. Both her and her nurse were telling me not to be scared and take it easy, I will be fine. I hope I am. We have 10 days and I really hope things are going to get better. I don't even want to entertain the possibility that the problem can be more serious :'( I am trying to be positive about this and I'm focusing all the positivity that I can muster, in getting myself to be really okay. Right now we are in day 4. Taking the medication is not getting easier for me :'( Inspite of the nurse telling me that it'll get easier. So far there are changes, but they are strange changes, so I don't know if it's a good sign or bad :'( It doesn't seem good for me :( I can only pray that things will be better.
Seriously of all the things that bring me down, I wonder if I am being selfish and not strong enough for only wanting to focus on this. But seriously when people are just watching their own interest and not you, is it wrong that you yourself are watching your own interest. If noone is going to care for you, I believe you should care for yourself. In fact I believe in caring for yourself first and foremost. This belief has got something to do with me being in Singapore alone and handling a lot of things on my own. Sounds really selfish, but if you don't function well, you can't function well for others as well. At this point, if people gonna say my attitude is selfish and wrong, I'm just gonna say "Fuck you! You can go to hell". I'm tired and I just want to focus on having peace within me. Everybody else and their agenda can just shove it.
This afternoon as I was going back, I realized that Rista will be here next weekend. I'm very excited about that. Looking forward to be speaking Indonesian to someone who knows me although she will only be here for a few hours. Rista has her wedding date set and my best friend, Emilia, too. As well as my pen friend, Dagi, by the way. I wonder how my life will change with them getting married. Yes I know it sounds so strange that someone getting married change your life but I feel it can be. It's the beginning of the time when people closest to me are getting married and starting a new life and I am not. I think it will somehow change how I look and feel about certain things. We'll see.
This week has its own nice happenings as well. Somehow I can only think of 2 and one of them felt rather normal actually. Let's see if it sounds nicer if I wrote the other one this way. Vendredi, je l'ai vu et il m'a fait sourire. Chaque fois que le vois, mon coeur sourit. J'aime son parfum et je sais que je suis bizarre :P J'ai voulu dire "hi!" mais je ne l'ai pas fait. Lui me fait heureuse chaque fois que je le vois et je suis reconnaissante pour cela. Okay I got google translate to help me a lot with that. Aaaargghh ... so little time and so many things to put inside the brain. Alors, Bonne nuit tout le monde.
:) eKa @ 9:41:00 PM • 0 comments
bluesky.
photos.
archives.