Monday, February 21, 2022
I have quite a number of random thoughts but it's kinda too random to be written together as a cohesive unit and the only thing I could think of as maybe the uniting theme is that they have some sort of measurement in them, hence the title of the post. Last week as I was being examined by my doctor, I realized that often times you just don't take notice of certain things. 3 cm or 7-8 cm something would never mean anything to you until the day they carry more weight than wanted in your life. You start taking out the ruler and judging if something is small or big :( Then what is 6 months. 6 months often pass by quickly without you noticing it, but you will notice it when you have to evaluate if the last 6 months has taken a turn for the worse or by some miracle it has gone great :( Then there's 10 years. It was quite a surprise for me to find out that I'm reaching 10 years on something. I have lasted this long?!? This was compounded even more when I, by pure chance, met with someone from the past. It was such a good coincidence that I hugged the girl twice. She told me she's 30 now and it was more or less 10 years ago when I left them all so a number of things had happened and in her own words, she has grown. A sweet thing she said was that we love you. It was actually the second time this was told to me by them and as much as it made me feel rather good, but upon more reflection it makes me kinda sad. I have heard people tell me they love me but none of them are loves that I can have every day. It's not the oxygen that you have in every breath, but more like the high from a good meal. It fills you and before long it's gone and somehow you have to draw strength from the memory of it, that someone had loved you and remember by extension God or the universe (if you prefer) loves you. Anyways, as much as the girl has grown, she still has her own restlessness which I can relate very well. I pray for her because I can understand fully how hard it is to stay afloat when you're sinking deeper and deeper.
On other news. The hill or the mountain? This relates to my plan of taking JLPT. I think in my life, I could never see me submitting myself to climb a mountain, but here I am contemplating the hill or the mountain. I found a website that provides practice tests for both N2 and N3 and I attempted both. The official JLPT website itself provides sample questions and after attempting the practice tests from the other website, I found how the sample questions is not really representative at all of the actual test especially from the time limit point of view and the length of it all. The N3 practice test surprised me when it didn't make me feel like crying. I wouldn't say I was cruising but I finished before the time limit and I didn't feel so bad after it though maybe I should feel bad because I couldn't even reach 90% in all the components. The N2 on the other hand was like a slap to the ego; this is even after I knew before going in that it would be hard for me. I couldn't finish within the allocated time and I would say I performed poorly. JLPT doesn't take your raw score but they apply scaled score. It was my first time hearing it and considering my weekdays environment, I am a bit embarrassed that I have never heard of it before or know how it works. So my raw score for the N2 practice test was scary bad and I don't know if it would become better in the scaled score. All of this doesn't matter, what matters is should I attempt the hill (which is N3) or the mountain (N2). Does it make sense to do something that you know you can do? Doing something you know you can do is not going to make you feel triumphant unlike when you have managed to conquer a challenge. As you hear me saying all this I guess you can guess where this is heading. Instead of attempting something that is within reach, I am deciding that I will be doing N2 and now all effort will be focused on this. I really think that the kanji is my Achilles' heel and I really don't think my attempt to memorize words work, simply because I don't think I have memorized any :( Anyways, now that I told you about all this, I guess I would have to tell you the result later on, even if I fail :( You should know by now that I'm a pessimist so don't fault me for not being positive.
:) eKa @ 9:18:00 PM • 0 comments
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