Monday, March 14, 2022

40

Turned 40 today. If you ask me how I feel about it, well I can't answer positively because I feel dreadfully stuck in my life and being older and still stuck is just not pleasing at all. However when I wished happy birthday to my cousin who turned 40 earlier 9 days ago, she said we made it to 40! and that was like a reminder for gratitude because I do know people who didn't make it to 40, I know people who didn't even make it to 30, so to make it here is a blessing. Somehow God still wants me around. I don't know if I am fulfilling His plan. He does know what I wish for though, what I have been asking everyday.

Anyways, today was spent visiting Gardens by the Bay to see the cherry blossoms in the Flower Dome. Some thoughts swirled in my head on the bus ride there. Music was provided by my NYC / SF playlist and little memories floated by. In fact quite a number of my travelling memories have been floating by these past few months. There is a lot to be thankful for that I had had the chance to travel and it's like going to 40, I have had the chance to fill my life with many places and it's was really a blessing. I don't know when I will get to travel again. It's been a regular thing in my life pre-COVID and as COVID stops our lives, there were times when I was thankful that I had had the chance to do all the things I did before COVID. The next plane ride I'll take will definitely to home but even that I have my apprehension. All the different requirements and the fear of sudden rule change is so real in me. It also makes me realize that to travel further like I used to do has now become even more daunting to me - all the different rules just to get on and off the plane and how about the COVID rules in the destination, is it lax? It would be a nightmare to get COVID overseas. It's not like I don't have enough anxiety in my actual life, I am adding fear into a hypothetical situation. That is something that I realize about me recently, that I could manufacture crisis for myself. Somehow I just can't accept things to be going well or good, even writing that feels to me like I am jinxing it. I feel there's always like a hidden undercurrent beneath, like there's a twist, something bad is coming. I guess in conclusion, as I get older my anxiety grows and grows. Kinda old to not be having a handle on it and I do wonder if I have regressed in life, but perhaps that is just my path, the things that I need to learn in life.

Let me stop now. Here are some pictures from the Flower Dome. I put filters on a number of them. For more pictures with less touch up, you can go here.

:) eKa @ 10:12:00 PM • 0 comments