I Need a Win

so I pray but each word feels so in vain
when joy keeps quiet as a whisper (quiet as a whisper)
and bad luck falls like rain
when life shoots a bullet straight to your heart
leaving you open and defenseless
when did living become so hard
I need an angel on my shoulder
somebody watching over
give me an angel on my shoulder
'cause I need a win

I Need A Win - Mamas Gun

If you've been reading, you know I don't actually have the best of days. You may also deduce that perhaps it's all in my head, that my days are fine but my attitude is not. I have written before that if I look at my life, it's pretty blessed. So what's with this defeatist and sadness mood I'm in? Me, myself, deduce it's most probably just my head. Sometime I can just be in the mood of you-know-of-course-you-don't-get-good-things. These past weeks, I've been thinking how things haven't been going the way I hope they would and along with those thoughts came the, well of course things would go wrong, things were not going to happen, because this is typical of your luck. It's very pessimistic but that's how I operate. Many weeks ago, I came to the realization that the song above really expressed what I want. I need a win so bad.

With many things in my life, somehow I feel I always need to make things happen myself. Things don't just happen to me, unlike the good fortune of other people. I know it sounds like envy and it's a sin, but really I don't think things come easy for me. That being said, though things don't always happen the way I want them to, when they do, I know it's because I have God helping me through. Today too I would need Him the way He's always there for me every time. Today I will try to make a win.

It's that time of the year, the pilgrimage to see the world. I'm leaving for Peru tonight and this time I will not be alone. La Gioia is coming alone. This trip was long in the making. This was the trip that I referred to when I wrote about the trip that I made in the year I turned 35. I chickened out back then. This year things seem to align. It's really been a long time in the making. The big picture of the trip was fleshed out quite immediate after I got back from last year's trip, so that's around a year ago. I remember chatting with Casyrn and telling her that's it's crazy that I kinda have quite a fleshed out plan. I figured out the logistic which was quite an issue when I was thinking of doing it in 2017. Of course since I had only come back from a trip last year, I had to ice this plan a bit. I revisited it again around 6 months ago with more and more details being filled in, enough to be presented to Gioia who somehow decided to take a chance and do this trip to me. I am thankful to God that I have a friend in this trip because it is quite daunting, but after all these times travelling alone, having someone to travel with does come with its own set on anxiety. I really hope things will go well in this trip. Please God, have angels watching me please.

So today I did my usual ritual. Class is on break today so I could wake up late but I didn't really wake up late. In general I have difficulty sleeping and the past week I don't think I slept a lot :( I was nervous about missing classes and the homeworks, but I managed to finish them all. So today, I went to pray and then also got a good Indonesian meal. Chose soto and es teler :D I don't know how I will survive the flights to Lima. There are 2 flights, each at around 12 hours plus :( We will be transiting in Paris on the way there and Amsterdam on the way back here. Me and my misplaced priority, I am hoping that the hotel would have HBO because I really want to watch Game of Thrones finale :D *finger crossed* Anyways so that's me. As usual I'll write more when I get back. Ciao!

:) eKa @ 6:42:00 PM • 0 comments

Book 1 - The Luminaries

So I finished book 1 of 2019, The Luminaries by Eleanor Catton. Started sometime in January so it took me around 4 months. It is a thick book, but it's pretty good. I wrote before how I enjoyed reading it and I was quite absorbed. Here's the blurb from the back of the book.

It is 1866, and Walter Moody has come to stake his claim in New Zealand's booming gold rush. On the stormy night of his arrival, he stumbles across a tense gathering of 12 local men who have met in secret to discuss a series of unexplained events: a wealthy man has vanished, a prostitute has tried to end her life, and an enormous cache of gold has been discovered in the home of a luckless drunk. Moody is soon drawn into a network of fates and fortunes that is as complex and exquisitely ornate as the night sky.

The author uses star chart and zodiac as the theme that connects all the people. The 12 men are represented by the zodiac and they in some way or another had their paths cross with the people involved in the murder mystery. Me being a Pisces, was quite amused that the Pisces in the story is a chaplain. I have read somewhere before that being a priest matches our temperaments. So anyways, first half of the book talks about how these 12 men were connected to the mystery. Each of the chapter in the first half of the book kinda tells the story from these men's point of view. At times I was thinking that Carrie Mathison in Homeland or any other CIA or FBI agents in other TV series would have a board with the pictures of these people and strings to connect each of them to the mystery to be solved :D It was really that interesting. I didn't build a board, my head just tried to keep up with every side of the story. It was a lot to keep track on, but at around halfway mark of the book, the author kindly provides, by way of Walter Moody, a summary of how the events unfold based on the story of these 12 men.

Then the book starts to take a different progression. Because the men were telling their story that happened in the past, the first half of the book was about things in the past and by the halfway point we're moving forward into the present time. The mystery gets revealed more and more and by this time, the 12 men factor less, except for one Chinese guy, and it's more about the people involved in the mystery. There were shocking revelations and heartbreaks, at least for me. I do have to say, I was expecting things to be explained grounded in science and facts but there are aspect of the explanation that I felt touched the realm of fantasy. It's unscientific and while it's kinda nice and all, I just wasn't feeling this plot line much.

Anyways, I think the second half of the book can be further divided into 2 parts. There is the part that deal with the present time and it kinda has its own conclusion, at which time you kinda can say that that's the end of the story. However after this part, the book has some chapters that goes way more in the past and tells the story about the core people that were involved in the mystery. I guess this part is more for us readers to give us a sense of closure. You know, I am appreciative of authors who try to structure their books uniquely. Just like I'm appreciative if a TV series or movies have a unique timeline. By the way, I think this would make a good TV series. Season 1 of this book could be 12 episodes based on the point of view of the 12 men.

Next in my queue is Milkman by Anna Burns. I haven't started, but the theme seems dark. Hope it's a good read. It's also a Booker Prize winner, so it should be good. I know it's like excluding unknown authors or books, but I just don't have the time and often get torn in a bookstore choosing on what to read so these days I just select prize winning books or the nominees. I don't even go to bookstore anymore. I bought the books online from Kinokuniya and I am appreciative that they use Ninja Van here in Singapore to deliver their books and we can choose designated place / stores to collect it from. Anyways, as always, hope your days are good!

:) eKa @ 9:46:00 PM • 0 comments