Monday, October 31, 2005
All Hallow's Eve
I am not one who celebrate Halloween. I mean, come on, Asian don't celebrate Halloween, but I suppose if you are a catholic, in some ways you are celebrating it. Oh dear, I haven't been going to a church for a long long time, far too long.
Anyways, the reason I'm writing now is actually to bring to your attention that my blog is already 2 years old. I am late actually. I only remembered that it was late October, but the actual date is actually October 28. Sorry
Anyway, I suppose it is time to reflect on what has been going on in this blog in the past year.
Sadly to say nothing much. I feel that I am more and more reporting about my days rather than my thoughts and opinion. I feel that I bitch less (true, people?)
I feel that sometime it is still depressing, though not as much. I actually feel that I like it more how I wrote when I first started. Please note that this doesn't mean that I like the state that I was when I first started. I was mentally so unhealthy back then. Anyway, I can still remember the nights I spent making this page and what happened on a particular night, what movie was being shown, and all. Read up, people.
This page is still the same, 2 years on. Actually I'm not bored with it yet, though I do feel that I may need to change it soon, but sorry dears, I don't have the time. Okay, I do have the time, I am just plain lazy. Wait until I get my new laptop?
About that...Well, I only have confusion *sigh*
Okay, back to my mental state and this blog. So looking back, to where I was a year ago and now. Well, there was heartache, I will never forget that, or maybe get over that. Too bad it's not a love heartache. I wonder if a love heartache actually feel so much worse. Anyways, people would argue that I am in a better place now. Maybe it will always be like that. It can not be much worse than the shit-hole where you were before, I suppose. Still, I have so many uneasy feeling right now. I wish I can dismiss it as paranoia but sometime (a lot of time) my senses are right. I feel it is time to really choose where I want to be. Funnily conversation had been made these days regarding this topic. The fear is always there, as always. Am I digressing now? Should I stop?
Okay, anyways, I wish I can blog more about my thoughts on matters rather than just fill you in about my days. I wish I can bitch more (?) I mean, it's a bit one of the purpose of having this blog. So that I can get it out instead of bottling it inside. But people are actually reading this. I don't know if I should be happy about that or not.
Okay, I need to stop now people because it is getting too long. Oh yeah, I actually like Michael Learns To Rock
I think their songs are nice
And one more thing, found out last Saturday, that the Survivor Guatemala, Brian, that I mentioned in the last post, is actually not gay. So by deduction, I suppose the boy I was mentioning about last time is not gay also
Goodness, if he knew what this miss is thinking, he would no doubt feed me to the shark.
Okay, really stopping now. HaPpy BeLatEd BirtHDay WHITEKA
:) eKa @ 5:31:00 PM •
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Posting this will remove my emperor penguins off the page, bye-bye penguins
Going To write this in points, because there are just so many scattered things in my brain.
1. Had a taste of my S$ 430 expenditure today. Truly not as what I expected it to be, someone will get disappointed. Was so nervous and anxious about it. Woke up so much earlier than what I wanted to this morning, all the while I was praying to God so that it would be okay. Was in doubt again yesterday because my cousin, Marlisa, raised the same point as everybody else. But it's all done.
2. Never realized and expected that English had influenced me a lot. I wish I can be more Indonesian. I hope
I can be more Indonesian.
3. Woke up early and had a not-so-nice breakfast, not due to the food but this got me thinking. There are people who we think are so unfriendly, mean, clueless, or perhaps simply moronic but somewhere out there, there are friends of this person. People who may actually like them so much. So I was thinking, that despite of what we think, sometime in life, they may have done something right that make someone truly grateful and thankful to have these kinda people in their lives. But, how I wish I can see that good side to make me really think kindly of them. It's pretty hard. I am really beginning to have some mean thoughts for some people.
4. I find it so freaky that I can know what font type is being used for a text written somewhere. That's freaky!
5. Really becoming friends with the Bengawan Solo auntie in Tiong Bahru plaza, who I think give me more of everything for my ice avocado.
6. Need money...money, please. I am setting up Eka's Fund for a New Laptop
. Care to donate? Well, I couldn't possibly give out my number here, but my email link is there on the left, so please contact me if you think my computer or me has ever done you good
I know 2 people who are interested in donating, but I haven't seen the money yet
7. A friend's baby turned 1 today, and yet I haven't seen her. Kinda embarrassed when my mom asked me this last year. But, an even sadder point for me is that someone is going to turn 2 next month and yet I also have not seen her since she was born. To think that Singapore is so small. I guess the divine intervention is so huge that we never cross path.
8. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire movie is coming out next month, I should be clearing my desk but am still so lazy to do so. Coelho is still unfinished, I am so freaking lazy. Should start carrying it around. I actually want to go through the Goblet of Fire again but I don't think I will have enough time.
9. Used to said that I was so interested in Literature and how I wish I could study English and Literature, but I have been reading somethings lately and I start to think that I have no inclination in it. That is so sad, I don't know what I should do with my life. So tempted to say maybe I have done my share of life. Okay, someone will shout at me if he hears me say that. I guess when I say I am so tempted to say, I will end up saying it anyway. I wonder if I will be so much happier or perhaps complete if I go home and live with my parents.
10. You wouldn't understand how tired I am mentally.
11. Actually wanted to see him again which I don't understand why. I know I wouldn't get as much happiness as before. Go back to point 10, I blame that for my mood swing.
12. Think I'm gonna get sick again soon
I blame it on the changing season and some unexplained things. Really beginning to think that I may be stupid.
13. Brian was voted out from Survivor Guatemala last night. I wonder if he is gay, but I actually really like him. He really reminds me of someone, a guy who I also wonder if he will be gay. I think he's a good guy, well-liked, smart, hardworking, a good friend, and I feel he's quite a gentleman, well at least (perhaps) on the right path to be one.
Okay, that's 13 for you, let this so-called unlucky number stay with me like before. Take care you all. I miss my mom. I wanna go home. Going home is tough.
:) eKa @ 8:51:00 PM •
Monday, October 17, 2005
If You Will It, It's Gonna Happen
So I was there, sitting at the red table for lunch, looking at these people passing by and so I thought "Why?" or maybe "Why Not?" as in "Why God?" or "Why Not, God?". So I thought maybe I should will
it. Don't actually know the right word for it, so I just like to use will
So lunch proceeded and it was actually out of my mind. Then he passed by, ladies and gentlemen, and stupid me, I didn't even notice him! It's when I saw his back passing by that my senses were telling me it's him!!! How amazing is that?!? I can know that's the guy just by his back
Surprisingly I was not as joyful as I always pictured it to be, but joyful enough for me to want to confirm and that I did. So it was him ladies and gentlemen! Happy I was, that finally, after almost three years, God gave a chance to see him again. Next May would make it three years. But he hasn't seen me or so that's what I thought. Anyways...The most surprising fact of all is that I didn't feel as ecstatic as I thought I would have been, so maybe that's the best thing of all
:) eKa @ 5:16:00 PM •
Sunday, October 16, 2005
On Trying to Draw
Yesterday (Saturday) was kinda overwhelming. All due to the fact that I just spent S$369 on an airline ticket. Can I just remind you again that I just spent S$430 recently. So anyway, it was my fault that I didn't make my booking earlier. One and a half month before departing is kinda too late. What's more saddening was that not much airlines fly to Jakarta anymore, so options are kinda limited. The only comfort I suppose is that my other booking is quite okay
Saturday night was spent trying to draw. Actually I didn't really draw the pictures myself. I seriously couldn't really draw. In the end, I stopped at around 1 am but then my body didn't want to sleep so I don't really know what time I ended up sleeping. All the while when I was doing the drawing, I was thinking I'm just such a fool for willing to do this. I am a fool, a stupid fool. I begin to really feel frustrated about myself. Still have a lot of things to draw
But I suppose I shoud really try this before I tell people to do it. Oh yeah, I also managed to solve a problem that bugged me all through Friday. My blood still boils thinking about that. Still feeling very angry, still want to shout and really say mean words. I suppose all the rage was what caused me not to solve the problem faster. Even the Mr couldn't really help, I suppose it's the case of staring far too long on a closed door instead of making our own hole. Anyway, I had the idea a few minutes before Survivor Guatemala on Friday night. Then I tried it yesterday night and the whole process was truly painless. Less than 10 minutes and we are running fine. I felt so good about myself. But still, this feeling good is not much greater than the rage. I am still freaking angry!
:) eKa @ 2:49:00 PM •
Monday, October 10, 2005
How Far Is Heaven?
The title is part of my msn nickname now, taken from the song Heaven
from Los Lonely Boys
. I actually do not know what to write, but I suppose one should try to update one's own blog.Last week
. Actually cried a bit because of a boy. It was amazing that I cared that much. I seriously found it amazing that even without me having my PMS, I was able to feel sad on such small problems. I suppose if it made me cry, it's not a small issue. But still I don't want to pursue it any further. Last week also, I spent S$430 on something and No, not an iPod Nano, though it would be great if someone could buy me that
Anyway, the effect of that spending will only be felt next week. I hope I won't regret it. Was excited when I paid the money but somehow I feel that things wouldn't be as bright as we always imagine it to be
On other wish, I really want a new laptop. It seems this laptop is dying and I really should part with it. Hhmm...I should really back up my daisyBLueButton.com to daisy. Daisy as in my external harddisk. Before you all jump into your own conclusion, daisy is not my favourite flower. I like daisy, but I just like it as much as I like the rest. I don't have any favourite flower.
Okay, see...I don't know what else to write. Oh yeah, I have another blog. I was just surprised that the name wasn't taken so I took it and so far it has 2 posts. I don't know what to do with it. As you can see, this blog doesn't really tell you much about me. I guess so far you should know that I am an Indonesian living in Singapore. If you really pay attention to the whole page you may know how old I am, if you have been reading long, then you know where I studied and all. But not much actually been told about me or about the people in my world. As much as people want to argue that I can be so open about things but I am still an introvert by nature and I don't want or maybe I just can't reveal much about me or most importantly what I feel about people. I may not write much about the people who push my buttons but I do want to "bitch" about certain people and shout out loud about how moronic they are or how annoying they are and many other things but I can't because some people actually read this. Okay...I want to stop now, this post is getting more and more less interesting --> how funny is that "more and more less"
:) eKa @ 8:27:00 PM •