Mon Samedi

I've been avoiding writing this clearly in the blog because I don't like to expose much of myself online. I can't really say how I choose to write things clearly or not, like why I wrote some people's names with their actual names and on others I don't do so. This next thing I'm gonna write gonna be extremely difficult to go into if I don't write clearly what it is. So here you go. I've been taking french classes every saturday morning for almost a year now. See how strange it is that I have been hiding it and had been mentioning it under the code name "saturday engagement". Anyway, every 2 terms, we have to go through a test and today we had a test. Been studying for it simply because I want to kick ass and french doesn't actually come easily for me. My Italian knowledge does help a lot but one thing that I hate the most about french is that pronunciation is a torture for me. I can have all these grammartical knowledge and yet people may still don't get me because I cannot pronounce the words correctly :( Anyway, today's test went okay. The listening part was horrible for me. I didn't expect it to be that confusing. The writing part was boring. Our teacher went through exactly the same composition last week. I tried to write my own today but I just don't find a weekend in Bintan to be interesting to write about.

What I want to talk about is the orale part which I am quite pleased with the result. Me and Letitia were the last ones to go through it with the teacher who's testing us and little boy Nicky was so anxious to find out the result that he was waiting for the teacher to be done with us. Since Nicky pushed him to tell him the result, I got to find out my result as well. I got 9 out 10 for part 1 and 18 out of 20 for part 2. So I think it's pretty awesome. Letitia scored the same mark for part 1 but she got 16 for part 2. Still I think it's a very very good result. I am kinda embarrased with the fact that we made the stupidest and basic mistake ever. All the teachers that have taught me (I have had 4 so far) are so gonna strangle me. You see, me and Letitia said "Je suis bien" to say "I'm fine" which is the wrong way to say that in French. The teacher who did the test with us was like, first of all, you don't say "Je suis bien", you must say "Je vais bien". Basic stuff and we got it wrong. It's embarrassing but it's kinda the same mistake that I have done with my Italian as well. The thing is we tend to translate the sentence from English and well, different nations use different words to say "I am fine". I actually didn't think that the orale part went amazingly well since this teacher wanted to have small talks with us after we finished the parts stated on the test. I even spoke in english in answering his questions. He was asking what we do and what we like to do. Obviously I said I like watching movies. He asked if I had watched Les Chèvres du Pentagone. I was like, what?!? But when he mentioned George Clooney, I got it that it means The Men Who Stare at Goats. The translated title wasn't so literal that it threw me a bit. Well I wish I could have been more fluent and expressed myself better but it's pretty cool for me to be able to have that little connection in another language :)

Believe it or not, I have completed my elementary level and gonna start intermediate in 2 weeks. Sometime I can't believe that I am able to stay and hang on in doing something. When I first started Italian, I went in with the mindset, I would just gonna try it and there's nothing to lose. If I couldn't make it or if I sucked, I could just stop. I stayed with it for 3 years and had much fun and it led to one of the amazing thing that has happened in my life. Well, to be able to speak Italian albeit not amazingly fluent is also an amazing thing that has happened in my life. Anyway, with French, I came in with a more committed mode because I have survived Italian, but I am still pretty amazed with myself that I have managed to hang on this long :) I have had people who told me I'm pretty crazy to be willing to sacrifice every saturday morning for class. Well, it kinda makes me happy. It's one thing that I really do for myself so I guess that's where the happiness comes from :P Anyway, gonna be sad that many of my classmates are not continuing :( Mau and Jacky are taking afternoon classes. Letitia is stopping before continuing on weekday classes. Alice is taking a break too. Il Raggio gonna be taking intensive classes. Little boy Nicky doesn't want to go through this anymore. Well I kinda hope his mother gonna pushes him :P He and il Raggio have provided much comic relief, so it's kinda sad to see them go. There were actually many people in the class, but now only less than 5 remain. I kinda look forward to see new people :) Hope they are all gonna be amusing :D For now, I'm just happy that we get 1 week break :D

On other news, yesterday I was crying my eyes out. I can't remember when the last time I cried or when the last time I cried that much. I kinda had a bad day. I just don't like hearing all the bullshits over and over again and to be put down is never an encouraging thing to deal with. Then I heard news of someone is leaving. I really cannot divulge details. But I was thinking the last time I had to deal with difficult separation, I had Italy to get me out of the sadness. This time around, I have nothing. Well, maybe if I seriously project some positivity, miracle can happen. Anyways, the reason why I cried was because I called home and talked to my mom. I believe it is not only the child that grows up but parents grow up to. I guess people change their ideals as they get older and know more and understand more. My mom and dad are pretty amazing for me. I know I have written about this before but I just always always get stunned when I hear their suppport for my happiness. They don't want me to get hurt and obviously right now, the stress has really taken a toll on my body (I took 3 headache pills in less than 5 hours today). They really just want me to be happy. One would think that with that kind of support, one would be ready to just let go. However maybe I do like self torture (I actually suspect that I do really do this) or as I sometime do, I stupidly justify that to give up is to lose and I don't take losing well. But I just lost it yesterday and cried and prayed. I don't get God right now. Maybe it's not important to understand Him, what important is to have faith in Him that this is part of a big master plan. Well just like all the characters in Lost, that faith is wavering. I am trying to still be positive though, to keep my mental pond still regardless of the pebbles thrown. Please help me God. Well, I hope you guys are having better days.

:) eKa @ 9:33:00 PM • 0 comments


Met Rista today for lunch :) She had a 12-hour transit here before she flies to Jakarta. I only met her for lunch because I had my usual saturday engagement this morning and so she went to meet up with her cousin first. She did a bit of shopping. I also got myself a few stuffs, which after I assessed my financial state just now, I shouldn't have spent money on unnecessary things :( You know, it's really nice that a foreigner can claim GST refund. Rista would be able to claim back around S$46 for her purchase today, that's not bad! It was really really nice to see her and just speak Indonesian. When she saw me, she commented that I looked good and prettier. Err ... pretty / beautiful is not really something that is associated to me so it was kinda surprising and flattering when she said that. It also brought into question, why the hell I am still single now. When we were waiting for our food to come, apparently there were some seconds in her head in which she was trying to analyze what's wrong with me or the universe, that I haven't had a boyfriend, ever!?! :D If you ask me why, I think it's perhaps because it's not the thing that I really want the most in my life right now. So I don't know ... my mom may argue, hence change your mind. Maybe. I don't know. In our lunch today, I was telling Rista that I just have certain things that I expect to see in "the guy" and also certain way in how I see things in life, and perhaps those are immature and selfish thoughts and so until I am able to be more mature in my thoughts, I will not gonna get any guy. But you see, "any guy" is not "the guy" and right now, I just don't want to settle. I don't want just "any guy", I want "the guy"! Maybe I will have him someday, maybe I will not. Maybe I will eventually settle. I don't know. Before she went in for the immigration check and we had to say goodbye, she said, don't worry, there'll definitely somebody for you. This really took me by surprise! Seriously?!?! After all that we talked about, we came back to this again? :P I suppose the fact that this thought came to my head really showed that having someone is really not on the top of my list :P

So anyway, Rista is going home for 2 weeks to prepare for her wedding in July. It's gonna be a mad rush. I really want to go to her wedding in Medan and have the chance to see Danau Toba. I've never been to Medan, so it's gonna be an exciting experience. However since there will most probably noone that I know of there, I kinda wonder if the trip will happen :( I am asking my mom if she's interested. Anyway, in the topic of love and such. I was telling Rista that her story is like 500 days of summer. She was with someone before and they were moving towards marriage. However towards the end, she just couldn't do it. I believe that there were other reasons, but some of it was because she wasn't willing to give up her life in Australia right now. But with her fiancee now, she's willing to do that although they actually haven't gone out for a long time. Yes, they do know each other for some time, but they are not in this boyfriend-girlfriend relationship for a long time and she's already very sure about this leap. I do ask her about this a few times. She said this guy just feels right and not just that, everything just falls into place easily. So maybe that's what it is, when it's right, it's right? It's so vague and I do have to say that I am not even sure that I believe that, that it could happen :D Okay, maybe I should just :P

This week has been alright, I think. In the spirit of being positive, I'm not gonna say negative things, even though I have nightmares haunting me and I have started not being able to sleep again :( Sometime it gets so bad that I wonder if I actually slept when I woke up :( Oh well. Today is day 10 of my medication. Last day! Finished one of the drugs after lunch today and I am left with another one that I had to take before I go to sleep. This one is the hardest part :( I feel happy that it's over but at the same time I feel rather worried if things are really getting better because so far things just feel strange for me :( Well, I just have to hope for the best. Okay, that's pretty much it peeps. Nothing interesting happened in my life. Take care all!

:) eKa @ 8:05:00 PM • 0 comments

Not A Really Happy Week

I can list many things that go wrong this week, things that I have to endure that leave me dead spiritually. But after all the things that have happened this week, I'm gonna share the one that I actually don't really share with anyone. Aside from my parents (I don't know who they tell), there are only 3 other people that I told the details to. So why am I sharing it now? Well, you're still not gonna get the full details. It's just I feel like getting what concerns me the most in life currently out there. In a way, it's kinda me taking care of myself by getting it out of my chest.

I know not many people read this blog, but just in case you do, maybe you remember that before I went home for Chinese New Year, I wrote that something really really bad and wrong happened in my body. I didn't do anything about it because I was just too freaked out to deal with it which actually is a really bad thing to do. So I went home and the bad thing that happened to my body stopped, but I did got sick went I went home and I had to see the doctor twice. So perhaps the body was just focused on going self-destroyed in other modes. So anyway, I realized the bad thing happened again this week. Well maybe it's been happening since I got back but perhaps I was in such a self-denial state that I haven't really looked into it but somehow this week I realized it happens again :'( So I finally got to see the doctor. Was feeling quite stressed out when I met her. She wanted to properly examine me but somehow or another she couldn't really do so and I think it's also because I was already quite freaking out. She did manage to do basic examination and she was optimistic about it. She gave me medications for 10 days which I am following quite religiously. But still the medications are stressing me out. Both her and her nurse were telling me not to be scared and take it easy, I will be fine. I hope I am. We have 10 days and I really hope things are going to get better. I don't even want to entertain the possibility that the problem can be more serious :'( I am trying to be positive about this and I'm focusing all the positivity that I can muster, in getting myself to be really okay. Right now we are in day 4. Taking the medication is not getting easier for me :'( Inspite of the nurse telling me that it'll get easier. So far there are changes, but they are strange changes, so I don't know if it's a good sign or bad :'( It doesn't seem good for me :( I can only pray that things will be better.

Seriously of all the things that bring me down, I wonder if I am being selfish and not strong enough for only wanting to focus on this. But seriously when people are just watching their own interest and not you, is it wrong that you yourself are watching your own interest. If noone is going to care for you, I believe you should care for yourself. In fact I believe in caring for yourself first and foremost. This belief has got something to do with me being in Singapore alone and handling a lot of things on my own. Sounds really selfish, but if you don't function well, you can't function well for others as well. At this point, if people gonna say my attitude is selfish and wrong, I'm just gonna say "Fuck you! You can go to hell". I'm tired and I just want to focus on having peace within me. Everybody else and their agenda can just shove it.

This afternoon as I was going back, I realized that Rista will be here next weekend. I'm very excited about that. Looking forward to be speaking Indonesian to someone who knows me although she will only be here for a few hours. Rista has her wedding date set and my best friend, Emilia, too. As well as my pen friend, Dagi, by the way. I wonder how my life will change with them getting married. Yes I know it sounds so strange that someone getting married change your life but I feel it can be. It's the beginning of the time when people closest to me are getting married and starting a new life and I am not. I think it will somehow change how I look and feel about certain things. We'll see.

This week has its own nice happenings as well. Somehow I can only think of 2 and one of them felt rather normal actually. Let's see if it sounds nicer if I wrote the other one this way. Vendredi, je l'ai vu et il m'a fait sourire. Chaque fois que le vois, mon coeur sourit. J'aime son parfum et je sais que je suis bizarre :P J'ai voulu dire "hi!" mais je ne l'ai pas fait. Lui me fait heureuse chaque fois que je le vois et je suis reconnaissante pour cela. Okay I got google translate to help me a lot with that. Aaaargghh ... so little time and so many things to put inside the brain. Alors, Bonne nuit tout le monde.

:) eKa @ 9:41:00 PM • 0 comments