Saturday, May 30, 2020
Life (not quite) Unpaused
When I thought about finally writing this post, I thought about how much I should write and I come to the realization that I cannot be that open. Partly because some things are very personal and some things will get people to judging and I'm not here for that. So what happened?
I went home on April 8th. I received the dreaded text which I have played in my mind before. Just because I had imagined it, it doesn't mean I was prepared. I was told that my father fell and he was rushed to the hospital. This shows the true nature of me and mom. The pessimistic me went to the worst and immediately it's like my body went cold. When my mom heard the news from my brother, she was like okay, good he's in the hospital. Dad was then rushed to the ICU and mom thought he'd stay there for 2-3 days and he'd be out. It didn't turn out that way. Back to me, I asked the family if I should go home, they said yes if you can and so I went home. It's lucky there's still a daily Garuda flight to Jakarta and it was in the afternoon and I made it. It was the fastest I've been in buying a ticket and flying out. The airport was empty but there were still quite a number of passengers to Jakarta. A number of shops in the airport were closed but the chocolate shop was open because it's food after all. I was basically not fully there throughout the journey in reaching home. When I arrived the house was empty, so I got keys from my cousin's house and she came to accompany me a while. Then my brother arrived from the hospital to take me there and mom and us waited all night in the ICU waiting room. Then the routine became me and mom going every morning to that ICU waiting room and my brother arriving in the evening to replace us as he waited the whole night. Due to coronavirus restriction, we couldn't see dad. In fact the first time I saw him was around 1 week after I arrived when he was wheeled out for CT scan. The routine happened for 2.5 weeks. We waited there for news, for information, to sign off on procedures, etc. All the while not seeing him in person to see how he's doing. How he's doing was he's doing bad. He was getting worse in fact. He lost consciousness when he fell and he wasn't able to gain meaningful consciousness. Looking back now, a part of me feels a bit silly in that first few days thinking that he just needed a minute and he'd be okay, well as okay as he could be. My brother told me he thought there would be permanent damage but he didn't think it would be this bad.
I would skip the part that happened on Thursday, April 23rd to Sunday night because even now I'm crying thinking about it. 23rd April was perhaps the saddest day in ICU waiting room. As a family, it was the only day in my dad's whole ordeal and the last day that my living father had all the 3 of us in the same room with him. What happened to us that day is very hard and I don't wish it on anyone. I do want to say that my mom has anchored us throughout the whole process and she is the strongest person in the family. So anyways the day was not hard just on us. That day one of the family who just recently joined us in the ICU waiting room lost their husband / dad. Due to coronavirus restriction, they too couldn't see him even though his illness wasn't coronavirus and I think he was alone throughout his last days. The whole family was in distraught and the atmosphere that day was just bad. The story of that family is sad. Mom says we could say that our story is sad but there are others that have a harder time.
So Sunday night, April 26th. It was weird that evening I was very sleepy that I slept quite easily. I think it was the same for my brother too. He called home near midnight to tell us that dad had passed away. He had also called my cousin, so my cousin took me and mom to the hospital. We took dad to the funeral home and mom and my brother took charge in the funeral arrangement. I saw my dad being bathed and clothed. Dad didn't want to be fussy about anything so when we saw the possibility of getting this done fast, we chose that. Not many people came because it was a rush and also because of coronavirus. I think we left for cremation at around noon. Mom didn't go, instead she went with another cousin to the Buddhist temple where we planned to have our dad interred to choose a location and to get an engraved urn to hold the ash. The whole cremation process was a whole new experience. The ashes were separated to 2, his bones remains and the remains of the coffin and the things we put into the coffin. The staff showed us his bones. One piece of his skull was separated and then the other bones were put into a cloth bag and were smashed using a wooden hammer. Then the piece of the skull was put on top of the ash. We didn't have enough time to bring his ash into the temple, so we had to put the ash for safekeeping in the crematorium's Buddhist section for 1 night. Then the 12 of us who went to the crematorium went to take a boat to scatter the other ash into the sea. Then we went home. We reached somewhere around 4 pm so that was quite fast. When I reached home it hit me that dad was not coming home. For the past 2.5 weeks, dad wasn't at home so he was already not there but that day it hit me, he's not going to come back. He's not gonna go chill and sit in front of his TV upstairs. It wasn't the only reminder, like days later when I heard noises during the time he usually got home from work, it reminded me that it's not my dad. He's not gonna come back and walk through the door. I could still cry thinking about it so I try not to think about it.
The next day, my cousin took the 3 of us back to the crematorium to take our dad's ash, put it into the urn, and get him to the temple. Due to restriction during coronavirus, we haven't been back to the temple because it's closed. So I haven't seen my dad again since we left him. So that's it. Right now the family is doing weekly prayers until 49 days, but there are some weeks where there's no prayer. I did 3 but now that I'm back in Singapore, I will be missing the rest of it. I decided to stay longer with the family and so I left later than my original date. It was nice being at home. Being longer at home also allowed me to go to the wake of a grandpa of one of the family who waited for us in the ICU waiting room. They came in one day after us and mom happens to know them. It's been us and the daughter of the grandpa which I simply called
tante everyday and we spent the most hours there. Our situations were pretty much the same though the tante has had a tougher 2 months. It's another thing mom says about how other people are having it harder than us. The
tante has her faith and family to lean to, but if you know the stories, you will be sad too. There are many sad stories in ICU waiting room. Anyway though their ending was a sad one too, it feels like getting a final ending, a final closure. Dad and grandpa had been pretty much together in their journey and they're finally done.
So now I am back in Singapore. Arrived here on Monday, May 25th. It was the longest I've been at home since maybe 16 years ago? Unfortunately the situation that precipitated it was a sad one. I was the only passengers on my Garuda flight to Singapore, so that was another new experience. The whole experience after arriving was a confusing one for me. I wasn't given information at all about what's going to happen next. Before I departed I filled in the required online form where I needed to put in the address where I expected to do my 14-day stay home notice which I knew I had to do. What I didn't know is that these days you have to do it at government designated hotels and when you leave Singapore after 27 March, you have to pay for the cost. Maybe it's my mistake I didn't know any of this but it would be good if it was explained or iterated to me again by the immigration officers or if any of the readings they gave us state that. All the readings given are about doing stay home notice at our own place of residence. So I was very alarmed when I was put into a car and being driven into the hotel which at that time I didn't know where. I have to stay here until June 8th, 12 pm. Since I have to pay, I would like it if I could have chosen where I have to stay because yesterday when I found out the cost, it's expensive to stay here. Also what else was I supposed to do when I heard the news about my dad, not leave right away? It feels like I'm being punished for attending to my family. No one asks my why I had to leave Singapore at that time. My cousin asked what if people couldn't afford the cost, I don't know. I'm not one who gets over things easily so things like this bother me a lot. In fact there are many things that still bother me and I know the lesson is perhaps to be forgiving and to let go. I know I have to lean on the kindness people show me and be kind and let go all of the shitty things that happen to me, but it's never easy with me. Right now, I'm just looking forward to leave this "house arrest".
:) eKa @ 12:20:00 PM •