Yesterday evening I found out from my mom that a certain family member died yesterday morning. It was so surprising for me and it's just weird, the feeling that I was having. It was the same feeling that I had when one of my aunts died in the semester when I had my software engineering project. I remembered the time because it was just such a tiring semester with all the projects around. None of my friends and group members knew about it because I am just such a closed person. At that time I thought, there's nothing that they could do to make it better so why bother telling them, it would only make me face the sadness even more when they were giving their sympathy. Anyway, at that time and yesterday the feeling that I had was "is it time?". Is it time? for the people that I know really well to go away soon. Is the period starting when they will start to leave me one by one? I know that it's inevitable but thinking about it makes me so scared. I'm still so weak. I don't think I'm independent yet. I can go through my days because I know that my parent are still there. So if I fall or fail, I still can always go home to them. I still have aunts and uncles and bestfriends. I'm not saying that they're going to die soon *knock wood* but I'm just scared thinking that one day, it's all me, all alone, for real. The family member who died wouldn't see his daughter graduating, wouldn't be there when the daughter gets married. Thinking about that could break your heart, really, but you just have to make do with what's there.

One of the thing that I was so interested to know from my mother yesterday was how was the whole family situation with this news coming. Is the "war" still going on? It's not right...it's just not right...but there's just too much heartache...there were tears...and one wonders if things would ever be the same again.
Me, personally, I have lost hope and intention in one certain situation. Too much heartache, it's not worth it anymore. Why would I entrust myself to people whom I know don't care at all if I fall. Maybe it's selfish to expect kindness as a reward from your kindness but when I can not be sincere anymore in being kind, why still doing it?

:) eKa @ 10:42:00 AM • 0 comments

...things bound to go away someday...

I was planning to make this post today, but just didn't have the time. Talked to my dad yesterday. My grandfather has died. My dad said he died around Sunday. That most probably explained why I felt somewhat "lost" during the weekend. Yesterday I was thinking of my mom so much, wondering if she's okay. The good news is: she's back. I received an sms from her just now. I miss her so. She's okay, a bit of sore-throat because the weather had been hot there. She must have gone through a lot with all the burial custom and such. I feel sorry that I wasn't there. 4 grandparents and I only attended one funeral. The grandfather from my father side died before I was born (I guess). I only know him from picture. In the picture he looks so skinny, he must have worked a lot. A lot of lines in his face, maybe he was a very strict man. The grandmother from my dad side died when I was so young. She died in Jakarta and I think...I wrote I think because I was so young, so this is what I think happened. I think the family rent a plane to take all of us and the corpse to her home island. *sigH* I can feel somewhat sad thinking about this, because this was one of my earliest memories. I can't really tell you what I remembered but I did write it once in my diary. Again, I was so young so I don't really know if what I remember is correct. The grandmother from my mom side died on Sunday. I remembered that so well because on Monday, it was my first day in high school. It was one of the toughest week in my life. So much changes. I was actually the one who broke the news to my mother because my grandfather's sister (I think she was my grandfather's sister) told me to call my mom at work. I dreaded doing it. I remember that my grandma actually call me "Ika" instead of "Eka". I should have spent more time with her, but I was young and ignorant. When she died I guess I have not seen her for years and years. My grandfather from my mother side died recently. The last thing I did with him was in 2002. My mom was supposed to take him back to his home island. I was going back home 1 day before she supposed to leave and I asked my mom if I could come along and she just booked the ticket for me. You know there's so much that I miss out being in Singapore. Sometime I wonder if it's worth it. *sigH* Anyway, I'm happy that my mom had the chance to spend some last moment with his dad. She didn't get that chance with her mother. I wonder if I'll ever be as strong as my mom. So glad that she's back....

...written wednesday evening...

:) eKa @ 1:52:00 PM • 0 comments

Burning Weekend

It's a burning weekend because I'm just burnt out. I'm so tired and so lazy to do anything. It has not been a refreshing weekend and I think it would make a bad week ahead. However, they say it's all in the mind. So maybe I shouldn't think that way. It is also a burning weekend because I have been burning my disks out. I managed to clear out around 400 MB each in my C and D drive. It feels good but I don't know how long I could make it last. I have a strange feeling that my computer's memory is slipping away. I really hope it will survive. Well things bound to go away someday. This brings me to the topic of my mom. I miss my mom so much She is not back yet. I miss her sms and most importantly miss her being around. I miss the comfort of knowing that she's there, somewhere there for me I know that her dad needs her more than me but I just miss her. Talked to my dad this week asking him how my grandpa was. He said that he's slipping away, his family had moved him to his small house in the village. Some things are just inevitable but I hope everybody will be alright.

Managed to watch Fahrenheit 9/11 this week. A very convincing movie. I know it's only one side of the story but I think it takes a whole lot of rebuttal from Bush's side to redeem himself. Maybe I should read the book that Moore's wrote and the book that rebuts him. It was eye-opening and I was surprised that all the seats were taken. I had tears in my eyes in some part of the movie because there were just some sad moments. There were funny moments too, but they were satirical *sigh*

On the happy side: Indonesia won gold in badminton from Taufik Hidayat in the Olympic. He was so emotional It was a sweet winning because his gold-medal point came from his sharp smash. It was so cool Sony Dwi Kuncoro sadly didn't reach the final. I didn't watch his semi final match so I didn't really know why he lost. It's sad that he lost, an all Indonesian Final would have been great. I did watch his match against the handsome Thai Boonsak Ponsana for bronze. A great match. I was slightly worried in the second set. It was so dramatic when Kuncoro managed to win that set 17-16. A really good match. I think the Thai, Ponsana, was a really persistent player and it's a key thing in sport. You must stay cool and no matter what always have hope that things could actually go your way. Being cute and all, I wasn't sad that he beat Ronald Susilo. At that time I just think Ronald played poorly. Very sad and disappointing. A lot of points that Ponsana got didn't come from himself but from Ronald's mistake, like when the shuttle went out of the court or stuck in the net. Well, there's always 4 years from now. What amazes me a bit about Singapore is that how kind the media have been towards their athletes. They're pretty protective. I think the Indonesian media wouldn't be so nice if they were to face failure like the ones that Susilo and Li Jia Wei had. I don't know...I just think that the Singapore media is just a bit too nice.

So...So far that I know of, Indonesia have 1 gold, 1 silver, and 2 bronzes. The silver came from a female weightlifter. Our first medal in this 2004 Athens Olympic. The other bronze came from the men double badminton. It's a not bad result, but I guess it could have been better, especially in badminton. Still, I guess we are happy and proud as Indonesian

:) eKa @ 10:48:00 PM • 0 comments

17 Agustus 1945

Happy Independence Day! So Indonesia is now 59 years old. Quite old but I'm not so sure that it has achieved much over the last 59 years. I do believe that some things do not change, even after 59 years, even in this time of wireless and digital and everything being in byte. Still...I still love being an Indonesian a lot. I want to go home. Mom is not working today, if mom is not I'm pretty sure dad isn't either. She sent me an sms at the crack of dawn this morning telling me that she's going to her home because my grandfather was sick. I'm a bit worried and nervous about this. I hope everything will be alright, I hope my mom will be alright. On the funny side, Dewi actually had a flag raising ceremony this morning. It's so funny!!! I thought only students do that but maybe the company just want to instill a strong sense of nationalism

Went to SimLim with Vivy last Saturday, with the intention of simply buying CD. I thought I could finish burning on weekend, but I only managed to clear out a small part of my computer. The C drive is okay but the D is still pretty full. I was reminiscing how there were times in NUS when I could store a few movies in my computer on the same time. Has I been collecting more and more songs since then. As much as my computer is not really that strong, it is quite reliable. It could handle Dreamweaver, Frontpage, Java Applet (for games), and an NUScast (for TV) when I was doing my projects back then. Isn't my computer something? Anyway, in SimLim, me and Vivy were browsing for iPod and man! it is dead expensive. Honestly I don't really get the whole idea and I guess apple should really be happy that we actually live in quite an unperfect virtual world. I mean if they expect us to obtain the mp3s to fill 40 GB of storage space legally...well, who are they kidding? They should be happy with all the P2P things going on out there in the Net. They facilitate the kids who might try to get an iPod because they think it's the cool thing. I guess it's just silly to think that things like iPod might help encourage kids to stop downloading mp3s and try to obtain their music legally. The legal suit is a better attempt. Though I think it's very mean of those companies to sue kids! It is a complicated thing this whole P2P and downloading music thingy. I don't really buy pirated CD but I do download a lot. I do think that in a way it's wrong. It's wrong when I use my collection of music to create an mp3 collection and sell them but I don't think it's necessary wrong to convert songs from my normal audio cd to mp3 and give it to my friends or use it as capital for P2P. I mean, nobody ever say that lending a cd to your friend is wrong so what's wrong in giving a song to your friends? I mean if you buy a cake then that cake is yours right? Whatever you want to do with it is up to you right? Whether you want to eat it or give it to your friend or pet for example. So if you buy a CD, aren't all the songs belong to you? So can't you give the CD or the songs to your friends? In a P2P world, so what if you don't know the name or the face of your so-called "friends?". As much as I like to believe that there's nothing wrong with downloading music from the Net, a big part of me actually think that it's wrong. This was once a discussion in my Economics for e-Business in NUS. I was all "for" for music downloading because if I'm doing it, I like to think that I'm right Anyway after the trip to SimLim, me and Vivy had a chance to step into a jewelry store and looked at diamonds, the so-called girl's bestfriend. I asked Vivy which one would she preferred, an iPod or the jewels. Without hesitation she answered the iPod. My sentiment exactly. When I reached home and was contemplating in my room, I thought how foolish I was. Give it 2 years, the iPod will most probably be worthless. Diamonds would have made a better investment. But still if you pop me the question again now, I would still say the iPod

Finally finished reading Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn Yeah, I know I took so long. I'm listening to Louis Armstrong now singing Moon River. I can kinda imagine how Huck and Jim feel being on the raft on the river looking at the moon, listening to this song. Such a nice song. I actually think Huck Finn story is a much better one than Tom Sawyer. Tom just had to make a huge drama and an adventure out of everything when it was the simple Huck who got to live all the adventure. Knowing Tom, I think he's gonna hate me for saying this but I really do like Huck more. I think Huck is a really nice and simple fellow, I can kinda see why he hated being civilized Life is too good to be tied down by stupid things, right Huck? But too bad I'm already tied down so badly.

Take care people. Again, Happy Independence Day! Merdeka

:) eKa @ 2:44:00 PM • 0 comments

08/08/03 - 08/08/04

8th August 2003 was perhaps one of the life-changing days of my life. If there's such thing as an independence day for myself then I would choose 8th August for that, not the day I got my ID card, not even the day when I left for Singapore 4 years ago. What happened was, on the Monday of 8th August last year, I felt so deserted. I truly think that the people who were involved will still argue that I was never deserted. Whatever! It was upsetting, I ended up going home on the weekend of that week. I just wanted to runaway. Anyway, on August 8, 2003, before I went home I did some things for the first time in my life. Some normal things that are most probably not a big deal for lots of people, but it was a big deal for me. It totally brought the meaning of being alone and by myself to a whole new different meaning for me. If something can be said as the point when I was changing (if I am changing) then it was that day and all the reasons behind it. The reasons were sad but I'm glad that day happened. It made me a better person and a free person, in a way. In a way it perhaps make me less tolerant towards people who try to put me down and say that the things that I think, want, and do are unproper and such. Crap! I don't need it, okay. I have every right to do the things that I want. You don't like it, fine! No more biting my tongue and keeping the insult inside. Bye...Bye...You will always face that kind of people. I'm facing one these days, but you know, screw it! It's not like they ever do any good with what they say, they're a waste of time. The people who matters most will always like you for all the antics that you have. My mom and dad are okay with me even with my crazy stuffs. They give me their fullest support. My aunt is funky enough to understand what I like and don't like and be okay with that. My bestfriends are each different character that accepts the different way we look and do things in our lives. They don't make me do things by saying that it what I should do or because it was what proper. Instead they are showing that that's what they would do and it could be a good option too for me too.

Hhmm...This post seem very emotional and somewhat cruel but I had been so sad for a long time. I'm getting better now, but like I told you I'm still facing a person who ... *sigH* I better control my tongue or I will curse like hell. I guess I have always been upset with the stupid things that people say or do. Not saying that and keeping it inside and thinking it's my fault for not being patience and understanding enough is not really healthy. Sometime you just need to shout it out. I sometime wonder how people can easily tell bad things about other people when they're angry. I don't recall that I have ever told other people that the person who made me upset is a bitch or a jerk, but you know, you gotta let it out sometime, because sometime things don't slide away. When they don't, you'll get sick, really...

Okay on the interesting side. I went for Rag Rush on Friday evening. Vivy asked me if I would be interested, I said why not? I couldn't go to NUS on Rag day yesterday, so it was my only chance to see the float. The static display were really nice. I really like the picture frames. I guess static display in Kent Ridge Hall Rag is getting bigger and bigger each year, taking a life of its own. The side props were beautiful and neat. The float was neat, very neat. There were not much of a rush, so I didn't do anything actually But the raggers did look busy. I wanted to see the rehearsal but it was scheduled at 10:30 pm so I couldn't Met several people, talked to Donikon, Niko, LeeHua a bit. There were Burger too; man! he physically changed a lot, I hardly recognized him. I was thinking who was this guy playing with my chair, but I guess it's a good change for him. There were Pierre too and some other Rag super seniors. It amazed me how people would always come back for Rag Rush and Rag Day. I guess once you're a ragger it kinda stay in you. I got the result from Vivy yesterday. Kent Ridge didn't win much. They won the Least-Cost Float Award. I guess at least they won something Well...there are always next year, maybe at that time the judges will be bored with Temasek Hall It was really good to meet people my age on Friday. I've been hanging out with people older and younger than me, so I kinda miss hanging with people in their twenties.

So tired, I am so tired. I don't really know why. I just don't think that I have much energy. Watched 1 jam bersama Sheila on 7 yesterday, I love them Tomorrow is public holiday but I don't think I will get much rest. If I don't, I tell you why tomorrow. ciao!

:) eKa @ 8:22:00 PM • 0 comments

Dishwalla - Angels or Devils

This is the last time ... that I'm ever gonna come here tonight ...
I was sitting inside the bus this morning when this song suddenly came to my head. Somehow it is kinda so true. Except for the tonight part and that's why I crossed it. The last time ... feeling slightly sad. It's the last time baby ... and it's over. I remembered feeling so sad at the start of my last semester in NUS because it's the last one too. It is perhaps wrong starting a new term feeling sad but I think I had a very good reason to be sad No more being a kid Okay I know many people will argue that I am still a kid now. Graduating didn't really change my maturity level much.

I can see the pain in you and I can see the love in you ...
This is somewhat true too. Weird, but it is really somewhat true and I have all the same love and pain. A person was being so nice to me yesterday, asking me if I was being bullied by someone Eka selalu ada yang menjaga terima kasih Tuhan. Anyway, rasanya aneh sekali, I can't really explain what and why. Maybe I shouldn't feel at all.

Are there angels or devils crawling here? ... and fighting all the demons will take time ... the angels they burn inside for us ...
Good questions! Are there angels or devils crawling here? *sigH* Saya ikhlas kok, sungguh I don't know why I'm writing this post with a mix of English and Indonesian I can not explain it, I'm just feeling to damn weird. Aaahh...mungkin karena sebenarnya dalam hati yang paling dalam saya tidak ikhlas atau mungkin saya sebenarnya ikhlas tetapi dalam hati selalu ada yang berkata bahwa saya pantas mendapatkan lebih *sigH* My mom is right, give without asking for anything in return. If I am asking for something in return then I am being plain stupid

Take a breath - make it deep ...
Yeah, I think that's exactly what I should do. Orang baik disayang Tuhan, bukankah begitu Eka? I got this song from a guy who, when I was still living in NUS, sometime sent me songs from out of the blue. I must admit that the songs that he sent were quite nice. I think he was so into this song after watching Smallville (this song appeared in one of the episodes of Smallville). Err...I kinda want to receive songs again Don't really have much time and resources to download things now As always, I wanna go home *sigH*

:) eKa @ 4:32:00 PM • 0 comments