What May or May Not Happen

This week Oshie told me about something rather worrying that may or may not happen to his small family. The way he explained the unwanted bad problem as something that may or may not happen reminded me of the similar way I wrote about something bad that I totally do not want to see happening to me in the future. Another thing that came to mind was of the pep talk that Emilia (one of my besties) gave to us all when I was back home earlier this year. She said that as long as your problems are not money or health related, then there's no need to be so stressed out. It's like when you have both, the other issues can be removed, destroyed, or let go. That talk was comforting, but as usual just as my plane lands in Singapore, I would usually go back to my gloomy side. Anyway being reminded of that and in light of what Oshie may or may not have to face, I do have to admit that as grave as my problem seems to me, it's really not bad compared to real issues, like financial or health problem. Somehow I felt like I was being told to not complain so much (as I always do, complaining and being reminded to not be so whiny), but again the spoilt me would just want to stomp and say, no, no, NO, I don't want this!!! So anyway, my situation is still in the waiting period. When I tried to see whatever options available for this, I get really stressed out and so ignoring it is better for the heart, but perhaps not the best way to face this. As for Oshie, I haven't gotten the latest news, but I do hope it will not be a bad one.

Talking to Oshie, I somehow kept on saying that being 30 added urgency to the issue and he had to correct me that we're 31 and then I realized how seriously in denial I am. You see, I seriously think I'm 30. It's like not wanting to move on and accept that I am already over that number. Then this week as I lay in my bed and letting the thoughts just come and go (big mistake!), I got reminded what 2014 would mean. I would be 32 and then there's panic forming. It's the usual stuff of me living my life another year as it has been. A realization came that perhaps it will really be just like this, that nothing will change, that I would just have to accept this. I cannot do that. I cannot bear to live my life as it has been but then as usual I don't know what I should do if not this. If I am to be asked what I want, what would make me happy, the answer will be partly abstract and partly not up to me to make it happen. The abstract part, being abstract that it is, makes it feel like I'm in a middle of a thick fog, not being able to see whatever roads around me that I can take. I hate it when people say do this or that or figure out what you want to do. It seems they do not understand that I just cannot see all the options available. If I think about this fact of me getting older and older and having to do my life this way on and on, I seriously don't know if I can do it. Now, that's another honest depressing thought I am writing here.

So let's talk about other thing. 2 more Italian classes left. I don't think I have improved much. I don't talk much and so far I have only done 1 writing homework, which was short and bad as usual and shallow in content. I tried to be eager in the study, as shown by doing that homework when noone else did, but I don't think all my classes so far are enough to help me improve, especially in the writing part. I can understand things and the listening part is not a major problem, but to express myself or explain what I hear is difficult and not as rich if I do it in English and I believe things like this can only be improved by speaking more and writing more. For example this blog, writing these many entries do help me get my thoughts out in English, both in speaking and writing. The fact that I haven't written a lot these days do have its impacts in my ability to articulate what I want to say in English. The words don't come as easily and as coherently. So just like my Italian and French knowledge, I need to speak and write more and it's difficult to do it myself since grammatically I am not all there, so that's why I need teachers. I really do need to make the most of the last 2 classes left. Anyway, the reason I decided to write about Italian class was actually more to talk about how my memories failed me. The topic today is Italian cinema. The listening exercise today was about these 2 films which Sara asked if we have watched. All said no and then during the listening, I realized that I actually watched one of the film, La Finestra di Fronte. It's disconcerting that I didn't remember at all that I have watched it and how I have forgotten what the story was and only when I listened to the conversation exercise that I remembered some parts of it but not every details of the story. It's disconcerting how I totally forget about something like it never happens and I do know that I completely forget other things too like they never happen as well. For example when my parents came this year, they told me about things that happened during my mom's last visit and I totally have no recollection of that. Then during the train ride today, I began to analyze how I remember things these days and I do have to say, they're not as vivid as I normally remember things. Normally when I remember what someone said, I would remember the situation exactly, who stood where, what people were wearing, but now I don't seem to remember things that way anymore. I wonder if it could be that I have just been reluctant to participate actively in the situations (which by extension means my life) that I don't remember stuff in high details anymore. Either that or my brain is going weak and I would rather not believe it is, though there are signs showing it is going weak :(

So talking about movies, I watched The Hunger Games: Catching Fire last week. It was really really good. It's kinda refreshing watching a movie based on a book without having read the book. I wasn't critical about anything and the twist came to me as something really really good because I totally didn't see it coming, totally unexpected. I really like the movie and I'm pretty eager to watch the next one and re-watch the first one. One of the draw to watch this movie was knowing that one of the main dresses that Katniss wore was designed by an Indonesian designer named Tex Saverio, whose clothes were also used in America's Next Top Model cycle 20's Finale. That dress was used in the early promo pictures for the movie and it does look nice, but I was still quite surprised to see it as really white in the movie because in the promo picture, it didn't seem so. If there's anything I didn't like was the transparent straps that were visible in Katniss' shoulders in the movie. I am quite fussy, aren't I? I have to say that the costumes were great. It's always a delight to see what Effie would wear :) She's really interesting in this movie and surprisingly for me, the most touching moment in the movie came from her when she rallied the group one last time and said that they're a team :) I almost shed a tear. Now back to my memory topic, during the movie I kept on thinking who's the guy who played Finnick. He was quite good looking and I wondered if I have seen him in other movies. I tried to dig my brain, but I couldn't pin point anything. Then as the credit rolled, I saw a name which I don't even really remember now, but seeing that name I knew it's him and I knew where I had seen him. He was the clergy man / priest who fell in love with a mermaid in the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie. My brain is a weird one.

The news this evening is about the Thai protest. Coming from a country where political parties and politicians are putting themselves above the people and country, the situation in Thailand is kinda understandable for the Indonesian me. It sucks that the people are being manipulated to fight it out in demonstrations to push each other out. It will just be a game of brawns which will just damage the people and the country. Isn't election is all about avoiding all these clashes? I know it's hard to just sit down and wait your turn when you think that your cause is just, but all these protests which lead to violence, it's just not right. I hate all the threats made on the basis of feeling righteous and in Indonesia, I can point FPI as one of the most annoying thing in my wish list that I really want to see gone. Hmmm ... I try guys to write interesting things in an eloquent manner, but I think I'm failing. So I'm gonna stop now. I'm expecting a good week next week. I hope it will really be and I hope your days be great as well. Bonne nuit!

:) eKa @ 8:17:00 PM • 0 comments

How are we this week?

Hello guys, so how have you all been doing? Since you can't answer me back unless you would want to write description of how your week went down in the comment section, let's just answer how I have been doing since the last I-hate-God post. I guess there's a false comfort going on. I mean some things still cause me to want to jab the pencil I was holding into my arms because I couldn't just throw things at the person I was in the phone with. Some things still get me anxious though perhaps there's slight improvement that someone noticed my anxiety and attempted to ease it. It was much appreciated. If only other things would fall into their places as I beg God to help me. Yes, after I kinda told God that I was hating all that's happening and think it's unfair, I proceeded to feel guilty and sinful about feeling that way and that was rough, and then I continued to my usual self of pleading that He'll help me out. I don't know how my relationship is with Him now. They say God is the all merciful and so He'll forgive me and such, but I can't help still feeling guilty sometime, I guess because I still pretty much have all this resentment inside.

As for the things that spurred me into going all hate mode last week, well I was told that it may or may not happen though the person who told me seems to want it to happen. If it happens, it may only happen after chinese new year. So she told me to just relax for the time being. I can't be relaxed about it or so I thought. I mean if you're telling me something bad for me is gonna happen in the future, I wouldn't be able to keep my cool. However, in the end, I did perhaps let it go. I'd like to attribute it to the fact that I really do have other things to watch, however I think I'm somewhat running away from the issue and this nonchalant attitude is so gonna bite me in the ass. For now though, I have to say that not having that much fear, not crying that much is kinda good. Though I begin to not being able to sleep more regularly now and as felt today I think I still look very very sad. It's kinda nice when I chatted with my cousin this week, she told me that things are harder for me because I'm alone. I know some people think it's no big deal having to do things on your own and basically save yourself from shitty situation, but seriously sometime it's really hard for me and I feel people don't really give me much credit about it. At least my cousin could understand that with no support system in my life here in Singapore, especially a family, things feel harder for me to deal with. I know people like mom is trying to help as much as she can and that's pretty much by offering money as soon as she learned of the situation. Something I don't need, but it's nice to know that there's always a bailout ready for me. She also keeps on telling me to be strong, but you know I don't want to have to be strong because I cannot accept that the shitty things should fall on me. However sometime you just can get away from it. No matter how much you try to prepare, no matter how much to you pray, shit really just happens. So this pretty much how my mental state is currently.

This morning was Italian class. I don't enjoy my Italian class much and I feel kinda bad saying that because the teacher Signorina S was very nice to me. I think it's because I have no friends there and I can't break into the existing groups, so I'm pretty much alone and that makes me not excited about coming to class :( I guess Sig.na S notices that and she tries to make sure I'm okay. I submitted a piece of writing today and though she said molto bene, I felt there are too many mistakes :( Mr. C has kinda screwed me up because he instilled in me that in french, you need the "de" as "to" when you write something like "it's easy to ..." ("c'est facile de ...) and I used that rule in my Italian homework, but it's not that way in Italian, no connector needed, so it's like "è facile ..." and this one mistake riddled my homework. I wonder if I knew that before learning french, I guess I did because that was the mistake I made in french which caused me to remember Mr. C trying to drill the correct form into my head. I don't think I have progressed as much as I want to in this Italian class. I don't speak as much and when I do, there are mistakes and I still fall back to English. Very unkind of me, but I do feel good when I see some of the classmates are struggling with speaking. There are one who speaks really well, perhaps better than me. Then there are those who are my level, but there are also those who don't speak as well. The youngest girl in class tends to answer questions in English and everyone seems to just accept it, which in a way I think I was often like that in my language class, but I thought she should have tried. This brings me to think of how nice the Italian teachers are. Mr. C will never let that fly. He's seriously quite a scary teacher despite of his soft spoken disposition. So anyway, that's Italian class. I think I'm half way into class and I think I have to try harder especially since I'm not continuing next term. I need to get better.

Last week I watched Ender's Game. I quite like the movie though I don't like how the story developed. If the adults in that world would like to use kids to fight battles, the least they can do is do some sort of brain washing to keep these children focused on the goal and not be sentimental on casualty and such. Don't they learn anything from North Korea or a cult or beliebers? So when Ender, at the end of the movie, got tormented and such, I thought it was such a let down. I guess for me it's okay and even necessary to be ruthless in times of war. If you have decided to go to war, you should go at it with the fervor that you're doing it for the well being of your kind. Anyway I do like Ender though it's for a weird reason, which is for some reason I cannot fully like him because I felt uneasy about his character. Him being not that fully lovable for me makes him more interesting and that's why I like him. I don't know if that makes any sense. The actor playing him is really good. He's in Hugo and this kinda makes me wanna watch Hugo again.

Christmas is coming, actually not really. There's still more than 1 month to go, but all the malls and decorations are making you feel like it's coming real soon. Every time I see all these malls, I actually feel a bit of disdain, thinking how shameless all this commercialism are. I'm such a grinch? Yesterday in one of the mall, I saw a tiny carrousel. I wasn't working yet, but it looked like it's ready. As I left they were testing all the so bright lights. I thought it was rather crazy. Imagine you're walking near it and suddenly bright pink purple lights flashed in your eyes. I kinda was bought by this commercial attempt though, thinking how I really do want to ride on a carrousel though I don't think I'll try this one since it's tiny even with the 2 levels. Yes, first time seeing a carrousel with 2 levels. For some reason I had this fond memory of riding a carrousel during night time and that memory pointed to Dufan in Jakarta. I'm not sure if it ever happened. Anyway, it also made me think of the 2 carousels I had seen before, the one in Piazza della Repubblica in Firenze and the one near the Eiffel Tower in Paris. I thought to myself why didn't you try it or at the very least go see it up close. What a shame! Anyway, I really really want to travel again.

One of the Lord of the Rings movies is on tv now and just now there was that dramatic scene when Frodo's friend was telling him not to let go lest he falls into the lava. That made me think of 2 things, the similar dramatic scene in Titanic of I won't let go ... and that very very sad scene in Lost when Sawyer was holding Juliet's hand in the well. I thought the Lost's scene was the best. It was really really REALLY sad and thinking about it can still make me feel how sad it was.

Well that's pretty much all I have to share right now. I feel I should write more but there's the laziness. Writing challenges my brain in a good way and it surely helps me in language learning. I'm just sorry that I don't have any interesting thing to say. Hope things are going gloriously in your life. Ciao!

:) eKa @ 9:14:00 PM • 0 comments

Welcoming The Sad Face

What! No Modern Family this week? I was counting for something to kinda cheer me up. It's been doom and gloom since last week. As if my daily life hasn't been soul-sucking enough, I had such terrible news last week that just got me spiraling down into the dark. I think the face I have now is the face of utter sadness that I often wore in the past. I think I have been sad a lot, since I don't know perhaps since 10 years ago. It's swinging from one sadness to another that I'm not really sure when I was ever truly happy. I guess there were moments when the heart is rather light, the moments when people commented that I look happier. Well, I think this is not the time. I think I look very very sad. I don't know, I did manage to make some jokes and smile and laugh at the things people said. All for courtesy perhaps, like by reflex, 'cause truth be told, when I am alone, when I'm looking out of the window from the bus, all I feel is of sadness and I think it would be visible in my face.

It's like things are crashing over me one after another, like never ending waves. I even had a bad flu attack on Wednesday and that was really quite painful. However the thing that got me into quite a spiritual crisis is the news last week of something major that I have to deal with and yet I haven't been dealing with it. Chatted briefly to 2 people about it and they told me to get into action asap. Called mom to tell her about it and I finally cried because I really am so stressed out. She said to wait for awhile. I don't know what to do. I just want to stop, to cease to exist so that I don't have to deal with anything. There was once a dark time in my life where when I cried crazily, there's like another part of me who's telling me to pull it together and everything would be alright. I cannot feel her anymore. Like that part of myself doesn't exist anymore. I can't even console myself. I don't know if it's gonna be alright. Maybe it will. Like mom said, I've been through this and all went down well, so I should be able to get over this hurdle as well. I am a very capable person, so I should be able to weather through this. Maybe I can, but I just don't want to have to deal with this.

So begin, my questioning of WHY??!? Why God? Why do I have to go through this? WHY??!? I even wrote in my diary if this is a punishment and all that does was to make me more depressed. I often think and comfort myself by saying that the reason God gives you challenges is to prepare you for bigger things ahead. Wonderful things. This time around, I begin to think if all that is just bullshit. Perhaps there's no bigger wonderful thing in your horizon. There's no such thing as reaching the horizon anyway. The horizon just keeps on shifting because the world is not flat. So all this talk about challenges make you grow and whatever shit. What if your life is actually just meant to be ordinary. That your life is just full of shits and they do not have any meaning. They are not signs or steps to help you reach higher. What makes you think you're so special anyway? There are millions of people in this world who have more difficulty in their lives than you. They're born and they'll die in that misery, the only thing they know, without ever reaching or doing anything amazing in their life and that's just that. If their lives can be like that, what makes you think and feel God has to give you more for what challenges you face now? I begin to think this is it. This is the way my life would be and how not satisfying it is for me. Yes, I have done some pretty good things for myself, but to see myself having to live this existence years after years, I just cannot accept this.

Now this is the part, where all the self-help books authors will jump out and scream, "So this is the time when you have to change your life! Write your own destiny!". Shits like that. Whatevs. For as long as I have to be responsible for myself, which by extension not becoming a burden to my parents, whatever I do have to be done in a calculative manner. Yes, I am a burden for myself and and yes it's my responsibility to take care myself. I guess I do it the only way I know even when it hurts myself in the process. With this latest punch to my face, I just feel like I have enough. Life if this is a challenge from God, an experiment, a game, or whatever it is, I just don't want to play anymore. I feel like taking myself out of whatever thing this is. Why the hell do I have to deal with this? Why? Ah, as my heart screamed that why, I feel like I can burst into tears anytime now. I really really REALLY don't want to do this anymore. The meanest thing of all this is, this is something that I really don't have a choice in. I have to face it and deal with it. There's no running away from this. Unless that running away involves me finally packing up and going back home for good which means I am choosing to end my life here in Singapore. I think about it. If I have said it, then maybe it's a real sign it should happen. However what end will that mean? Even some of the people I talked to, asked me what kind of life I will have in Indonesia if I choose to go back for good. The only way one will know is to experience it. The prognosis however doesn't seem favorable.

Hello Fear is a song by Kirk Franklin which I stumbled into when in my tough days, I resorted to gospel songs. I am a very sinful person for only going to God in times of trouble. I pray more because my days are rough and I started filling my days with gospels songs. Those apparently didn't really help because God still decides to sucker punch me. It's a very nice song, Hello Fear. I suggest you youtube it. It's nice but I'm not all comforted since I'm pretty much in the grip of worry, fear, and all other negativity. I know throughout it all, God has never failed me yet. He's still here and helping me through every steps. I guess what I am lamenting about now is the fact that I have to deal with this in the first place. Why? Tell me why? This coupled with the fact that I feel like I cannot see the wonderful things in my future, it's all just making me so sad and so childish. Feeling that God is being unfair when I know that my life has been more wonderful than the lives of many other millions of people. When I think about how sinful I have been feeling, I feel even more depressed. So here comes the sad face. The face like I can just cry anytime anywhere and I really can, I assure you that. This time, I really don't feel like asking God to make everything alright. I'm asking God to just let it stop, to just take me out of this storm. I don't want to do this anymore. All this in my life, I don't want to do this anymore.

I feel like this has been the most honest writing about how I feel in a long long time, or ever. I'm such a tormented soul. Okay, let's end this post in am more factual tone. Watched The Butler last week. Didn't know Mariah Carey was in it and oh how different she looks without make up, reminded me how she looked in Precious. The Butler does have so many famous people in it. My draw to it was of course because of Oprah. It was really interesting to see all the different presidents. I was most amused to see Alan Rickman as President Reagan. It was weird, mostly because Alan Rickman has a very distinct voice and way of speaking so it was weird seeing him as President Reagan. By the way, I just love James Marsden, always have since I saw him in Second Noah. Anyway, he's very handsome as President Kennedy, although again I think he looked quite different from him. Overall I thought the film was very good and touching. I teared out a lot, but I am in a very emotional state of mind. After I reached my room, I googled about the movie and then I got really disappointed because many of the parts are fiction, even one of the major character in the movie is fiction and for me I felt like I kinda had been lied to and it's a sad thing that the fiction parts could mar an otherwise wonderful and heartwarming movie. Alright, gotta go guys. I start to have headache now. Buonanotte!

:) eKa @ 10:20:00 PM • 0 comments

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