Sit Me In Front Of The TV

Hey peeps, so I'm back and just like that I'm all gloom. I guess that's the reason why I write now. Going home was good. Being back brings with it all the anxiety. I'm trying to keep it together. Only less than a week being back, I was thinking if I'm homesick. That's sounds so melodramatic and honestly even if I do, I don't want to admit it. I don't know, being alone can be really bring you down sometime. I was thinking how I miss asking mom what we are going to eat today *sigh* So home was good. I survived Chinese New Year. Talking to some of the relatives was good. Various food were eaten. New babies were seen. A lot of comfort was felt. Didn't do anything worthwhile and I guess that's a good enough reason that I should come back to the real life that I don't enjoy much.

As for the title, the home has cable TV now and oh my how I was glued. Cable TV will be the death of me and perhaps my dad. Both of us can just spend hours in front of the TV. Dad has also done the other unproductive things we all do, playing games on mobile phone. He also does that in the dark that I found myself saying more than once that he's gonna ruin his eyes. The exact thing they would scream at me when I was young. So cable TV at home include HBO and its variations. Watched some interesting movies, but since I didn't know the timing, I often missed out the beginning part of the movies. Last weekend, season 1 of Westworld was shown, 5 episodes on Saturday morning and the other 5 on Sunday morning and I sat binge watching that. I thought it's even worse doing that with TV that doesn't show commercials because I literally only got up in between episodes. Okay, I did go to eat not in front of the TV, but I can still hear them. I have to say binge watching like that is quite intense and it can be tiring with all the attention you're giving. I don't think I ever put myself like that and as such I found myself to slack a bit. I didn't watch the last episode of both days because I actually had things to do with people. I did catch up with the finale on my own though. I know HBO and I've heard of Westworld before watching it and so when I was watching them I wonder if HBO in Indonesia is censored because what I watched seemed rather tame compared to what I expected. I had to google this and as found in Wikipedia, HBO is heavily censored in Asia. Okay that made sense. The theme of Westworld of course will make one think about technological advancement and AI and all that usual stuff, but for me when the hosts started to understand their existence and the point of if and how cruel and unfair it is all, I thought well perhaps it's not so different for us humans. Yes our life cycle may be longer but there are those who really only know suffering in their lives and if they believe in God the creator, they may also feel that their creator is cruel, but what can we do as humans? Perhaps we can just accept it and believe God has a reason, a grandeur picture for us, or choose to just not believe in God or hate Him. For us humans there's no taking revenge at God the creator unlike the hosts in Westworld. I guess because humans and its creators are not equal.

Anyways, I was getting more interested in the world outside Westworld. Are there humanoid robot too in the real world and how do people get away at being seen in Westworld? It seems the people who come are rich, but when someone from the real life sees you kill and do nasty thing in the park, how do you manage to get away with it without it being something that can be used to blackmail you? Also if you have killed a robot which looks and bleeds like a human and be all okay about it, what does that say about you? How do you manage to view it as something different? Or if that feels real for you, how do you reconcile yourself? I can understand if the killing is a one off thing and in self-defense, but if you've been coming multiple times and do it over and over, shouldn't you wonder about your mental state, your character, or is it really that by taking it out on the robot, you kinda release it all there and not the real world. I don't really buy that. The real world outside Westworld and how they work intrigues me more now.

Talking about God and also about life, I got to thinking that God or His influence is really more felt in Indonesia than in Singapore. It's possible that the fact I'm not closer to God here in Singapore is one reason why I always feel down. A question I often wonder about some of my friends and cousins is that how they're able to do their life, a life which I feel to be trying. I talked about this with some of my friends and I said, with me I'm just not iklhas about it. I used the Indonesian word iklhas, which google translate says mean sincere or genuine, to say that I'm just not acceptant about it and hence I guess that's why there's a lot of resentment or mental push back from myself. My friend, Dewi, said that's she basically ridho about it. I think she used the the masculine form of ridho rather than ridha. Well I don't now if Arabic words have gender form too. By the way if you don't know, Indonesians language uses words from many other languages. At that point, I just thought that iklhas and ridho mean more or less the same. Googled it and found out that ridho or its variation rida as stated in Wikipedia means perfect contentment with God's will or decree. The God part is important and the God part is missing for me. You pray but you're not really hearing Him talk back. Hence why you do need that communion with people of the same faith, like going to church and such. That's one way of trying to hear Him back. Unfortunately I don't do that. My conversation is mostly one sided in which I talk or to be more correct ask a lot from God and I don't hear anything back *sigh* With all my anxiety, one of of the line I often utter to God is please make everything be alright. I do this over and over. I'm trying to be cool, calm, collected, but making sure I'm all that also feels like I'm going to break anytime. I have a thing that I have set in motion. I'm thinking to just look into that. Execute that. Live until that and after we'll think about what we're going to do next, make new plans.

It's March. I'm going older in a few days and yes as usual birthday and getting older makes me sad. One of my aunt said I grow backwards, I look younger as she sees me. I think she just has poor eye sights :D I may not look my age, but the number doesn't lie and I think the inside of my body doesn't lie too. Another thing in my head to bring me down. I'm trying to just ignore all these thoughts. Anyways, hope you guys are doing well. Take care!

:) eKa @ 1:14:00 PM • 0 comments

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