Friday, November 19, 2004
I'm as tall as Reese Witherspoon
So I've been told
Well, you don't think I actually meet her in person, right? Anyway, this person who told me this most probably prefers to say, I'm as short
as she is and not tall
Hua...I have to embarrassingly admit that I do miss this person. If you miss a person, what is it that you miss? Well, I guess, I've been feeling pretty bored (garink), as I always do actually. When he's around, sometime I could release my boredom to him and ask him stupid question or make stupid comments
So right now, it's just 1 less person to throw all my technical and (sometime) mental problem to
The funny thing is, what usually happen is, I see his handwriting on a piece of whatever thing and suddenly I am reminded of him, and yeah, I just miss my "induk ayam". But...I am sincerely happy for him. I mean, he's in a better place right now. Finally be united with his other half. So I am happy for him and his other half
Went to watch Shark Tale
last Tuesday. I think it's just so-so. Maybe I was so mentally full (=suntuk) at that time that I just felt that I need more that what Shark Tale has to entertain me. None of the characters really stand out. Maybe, because they are all big stars that they kinda stand on the same ground but unfortunately I prefer to think that the characters and the stars behind the voices are just not that amusing in their delivery. Okay, don't bother with what I say because I don't know a thing actually.
Was talking to a friend this morning and he really slammed Singapore Idol. He watched both Indonesian and Malaysian Idol and he thinks that the standard in Singapore Idol is very low. He's pretty disappointed about the final 3, but still has hope in one particular guy. Okay, I'm not going to write more things about Singapore Idol until the final, until I prove that I was right to this guy
I really really really like to be alone. This morning, knowing that I'll be alone just make me so happy. So peaceful and quiet and nice. I'm at peace. Even only for today *sigH* Truly dreading tomorrow.
On a more serious note, all heart goes out to Mei Bel who just lost her loved one recently. I didn't know and I feel really bad for it. For a stupid reason, I logged in to friendster yesterday and because I was bored I was browsing a few profiles in my list. One of the people that I browsed was Mei Bel and that's where I found out what happened. I have met some good people in my life and some good people have treated me nicely (like the streats uncle in the MRT station this morning), but of all these people I know, Mei Bel really deserves all the respect in the world. I would like to tell you who she lost and because of what, but I think it's kinda personal for her. I don't think that she will be reading this, but still I think somethings (a lot of things) should just be kept inside and not let out. It's quite an important thing for me to be able to be a blessing to other people. I'm really sure that I haven't been. Well if I've been then it's only in a small way not a big way. But Mei Bel is different. She's a real blessing for a person and a family and I'm sure these people feel lucky, happy, and so blessed to have met someone like Mei Bel and to have her in their lives. So, I can only offer prayer and wish her all the best. She truly deserves it. I know her angel with not let her down.
Okay...got to go now. I'm leaving you with a poem now, from Pablo Neruda
. Being the so out-of-tune me in poems and such, I don't really understand many of his poems. I was pretty much "off-key" when we were studying poems and such back in school. The meaning I feel is just different with what it's supposed to be. But I guess, a poem has many sides. It can mean different things to different people who read it. The emotional state and experience of the person reading it might make he/she take the poem differently. I may read the same poem 20 years from now and think differently. Anyway, this poem is pretty sad (in my opinion), kinda make me think about losing someone, like Mei Bel. I don't think she's reading this, but if she is, I hope she's not too sad. By the way, I think his original poems are in Spanish, so if this translation is different from what you have read, then well...It's human (not me, 'cause I can't speak Spanish, other human)
Don't Go Far Off, Not Even For A Day
Don't go far off, not even for a day, because ...
because ... I don't know how to say it: a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.
Don't leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
into me, choking my lost heart.
Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,
because in that moment you'll have gone so far
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?
:) eKa @ 1:08:00 PM •
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Wrote a post with the same title last year. Hhmm...thinking why I like to remove the subject from a sentence when the subject is me. Anyway, this holiday came around again, without much fuss. Well, no fuss because it's Singapore, totally a different story if it's Indonesia. Basically I spent the holidays (holidays sound like christmas
) doing nothing. Most of the time, I spent it horizontally rather than vertically, do you get what I mean?
Talked to mom a lot, well not literally but through sms. My mom has gone to new heights, people. She sent me a picture message yesterday. I'm amazed that she could do that. Maybe one of these days she might be able to take picture using a camera phone and send mms. I highly doubt it though. She wouldn't spend so much money to buy that kinda phone. Okay basically nothing interesting happened in the long weekend but here you go:
Realized that I am anti-social (actually I know this since a long long time ago), really don't like socializing. Yes, I do realize that I am rude, I'm sorry, just didn't want to fake a smile and wished I was somewhere else.
Discovered Pablo Neruda
on Saturday (managed to go to Borders and Kinokuniya). He was the poet in the movie Il Postino and yes Josh Groban did sing the song for the movie. So now I truly regret not watching the movie the other time.
Heart-broken 'cause my computer is freaking slow. There's this something which eats up the memory (which by the way is not big) and slow down my poor darling. Can not seem to stop it 'cause the damn thing will just restart itself. Trying to find solution, really hope that I can find a good cure. I'm just sick of it which makes me realize how I want a better and faster computer. But as long as my faithful laptop is alive (and I'm not hoping it would die soon), nothing will make me get a new one. See how loyal I am
'Till death do us part, my dear
Wondered why Mr.Hahn is so fat now
Hhmm...he's no more chubby, he's fat. Well, I supposed he does have more money now. Is it really true? When you have more money, you'll become fatter? Haha
I guess not actually, 'cause you can go for liposuction
Anyway, as long as you are healthy, a little weight is okay but being fat does have its problem. Hmm...wish I can tell Mr.Hahn to go for a diet
Okay, I am fussy and annoying.
Missed me mom a lot. I guess I am just so...so...so lost? Hhmm...was planning to tell you the whole dealio ("curhat") but I decided not to. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I keep on analyzing myself and...well I just feel like one of Pink's song, "Don't let me get me". Is it true that I'm out of place? I truly hope so, I hope it's true and I'm just in a "waiting" period to go to "my place". But what if, this is it? Damn, I'll be more depressed. I know everything is just about how you look at things and I should change my mind set, but I just like to think that everything is just wrong. I want to have that hope that everything will be better for me later. Isn't it much better like that rather than trying to conform with this f**ked up situation? I so want to say the F word now but a guy friend once asked me not to use it and he's even not a really decent guy and yet he tries to be polite. I think he just thinks that girls should be more "civilized"
Just realized that I sign my post :) eKa @ time. Such an over-statement. I hope you don't think that I'm all smiley. I'm all darkness...
:) eKa @ 1:36:00 PM •
Friday, November 12, 2004
1 Tahun Bulan Ini
Hello dear, how are you doing? This one is for you. I don't really know what to say. One because my head and chest are so full right now (most of them are uncomfortable things) and two, well what do you say to someone whom you have never met. It feels like there are so much to say, but I just don't know what. I don't even know why I bother writing this. I guess it's because I have never expected this to come like this. I was so excited about you. I was genuinely happy knowing that you'll be coming. I had imagined what it would be like knowing you and yet here we are. You are nothing but a name to me, 1 word, and I am basically nothing to you 'cause you don't even know about my existence. Even if the people closest to you mention me to you (which I highly doubt), you will not understand. I really wanted to see you. I still do I guess, but it's getting weirder as the days go by. You may not understand it, but it is weird. I like to think that one day we will finally meet. I just don't know when, maybe this week, maybe in years and years to come. Either way, it will be so weird for me when that day comes. If it's this week, I guess you'll probably think that I'm just a new thing in your life, but when it's years and years from now, I know you have much questions to ask. One thing I hope for is, if it is years and years from now, whatever feeling you have towards me will not be the negative one. See my dear, we are just 2 people who are inside such a messed up situation and in opposite sides. I know I had the chance to meet you if I wanted to. Well, come to think of it, maybe I didn't. I gave a lot of thought last year, contemplated, asked people, and I believe I did the right thing. It hurts and the guilt is always there but I know for sure, that was the best thing to do. Hhmm...my dear, I just found out that in a relationship with people, sometime the biggest hurdle is not the anger but the disappointment. Being the strange me, the disappointment still stays and still hurts me a lot. You don't deserve this complain from me, 'cause you don't have a clue. I wish you well my dear. I wish you all the happiness and luck in the world. May you be free to do what you want and be what you want. Take care. For a person whom I have never met, I really do care about you, believe me on this one.
:) eKa @ 1:01:00 PM •
Thursday, November 04, 2004
The Now and Then
*sigH* I was right. Bush is going to be president again. I don't like it that I was right. I actually first saw the news from an American's blog yesterday (I forget who and what the address was). Anyway, in the evening when I watched the news and heard that it's pretty much confirmed, I was quite sad and actually felt like crying. I know I am strange. It's not like Bush becoming a president again have a direct bad impact on my life *sigH* I just felt...I don't know...just sad. After all...after Fahrenheit 9/11, after all the negative posts about Bush that people put in their blogs, after all the people who campaigned to stop Bush to rule for another 4 years, after all the emails forwarded from one person to another talking about the stupid thing that Bush did, after all the debates, Americans still think he's good enough to be president for 4 more years. I don't understand, I just don't. What are they seeing? I don't know. The man got more votes than Kerry. Americans clearly chose him over Kerry. I don't get it? Why?!?! My only logical explanation for not being able to comprehend this is that I am not an American and I am not living in America. I hope the world will be a better place, but my feeling is saying otherwise. I just think great things, great changes will take place in the future and my feeling says that these things which are coming are not good things. I hope people will be okay. I hope I will be okay, my family and friends will be okay. If you believe the Bible code, warning has been given in its latest book. Creepy...but what else can we do right? The now and then
...Clearly what we have is now.
Now, a little about me. I'm having quite a dilemma. I am always having dilemma!
Being a pisces, my zodiac sign are 2 fishes which are swimming in opposite direction. I like to think that as a pisces, we are able to see things from different points of view. I once read this analysis about being a pisces and it's written something like this "Don't get caught in the current". I guess my 2 ways of seeing things get me confused a lot of time. They kinda pull me in different direction and I just don't know what to do. Right now I am having a money situation. It's a situation not a problem, because I have no money problem. I can still eat and buy stuff. The thing is right now I am looking at options which will require quite a sum of money, which (I am so sad about this) my parent don't seem interested in donating. Well, what to expect. They can't possibly give me money for this thing that I want. One reason why I don't just go for this thing that I want, is the future that I'm dreaming of. My fear is that I couldn't reach this future, but I'm reading Coelho's Alchemist now, hopefully it can help to erase that fear. However, what if, the future that I want is really not for me. So shouldn't I just enjoy my days now rather than think about the future? Who knows? I might not live that long. See, it's all confusing right? I can picture you who are reading this are most probably dividing yourself into 3 groups. One group is shouting for me to live my day NOW, enjoy my life NOW, enjoy what you have NOW, you should enjoy your day today cause every day is a blessing for you. Another group is shouting that I should fight for my dream, whatever it is, it can come true, whatever it takes to bring you one step closer to it, do it! Another group are saying something like how all of this are bullshit. These people perhaps don't have any opinion about this or perhaps think that dreams and enjoying life is not a luxury that they can afford. I totally can understand. I don't know what to do, the more I contemplate, the more I am all confused and sad. I know whichever group that I side with, I will not be completely happy because the "what if" and "why not" will just whisper to me all the time, to drive me crazy. Clearly our past influence the us today and our today influence tomorrow. Being educated in Indonesia and grow up with proverbs such as "Bersakit-sakit dahulu, bersenang-senang kemudian"
, the answer are being told to my face. But I also know that tomorrow might not come, high probability that it may not come. So what if I waste my time waiting for that "dream" tomorrow and it's not there, I don't know if I could handle the devastation. Really, I have that fear. The now and then...
:) eKa @ 2:28:00 PM •