The International

The tree outside my window is withering. Most of the leaves that it has are mostly yellow. With the heat that we have these days, I think it will be soon before what's left of it are just its branches. Yes, I am complaining again about the heat, the suffocating heat which makes me feel really so uncomfortable :'(

It's been a month since I last watched a movie. There aren't many good movies around these days. Summer blockbuster movies are coming but I have yet to find ones that I really look forward to. Today I went to watch The International with Vivy. Wanted to watch it because I saw Clive Owen in the trailer. It's been awhile since I last saw him and he's such an interesting actor. After some reading on the Net, I found the movie to be having such an interesting theme. It is about an international bank who is involved in activities like money laundering, arms trading, and the destabilization of governments (as quoted from Wikipedia). Seriously, sometime I wonder if these kind of movies come purely out of the imagination of the writers or they heard some hearsay and decided to put it down into a script. It's very frightening to know how the world is being "governed" by these unsuspecting people who have such power to dictate how things should happen and work in this world. No one govern them and yet their decision really control the world. One example in this movie is bankers controlling which rebel group can get the so called "loan" from their bank to stage a coup in a country. Many movies have repeated the lines that it's not about the money, it's about power and perhaps it's rightly so in this world.

Although I found the movie's theme to be interesting, I don't think the story was amazing. I'm not liking much of the characters, especially that of Clive Owen's. Naomi Watts was beautiful and somehow seemed taller than I thought she is. The way the story unfolded and the ending wasn't an amazing one for me. Vivy said that Clive Owen was so intense. I guess he was. He's a really good actor though I haven't watched many of his works but I am quite a fan. There was a line that I kinda like from the movie. It's, sometimes the hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn. I like that. I guess I'm really not the kind of person who thinks everybody can live in harmony together :P

On other news, yesterday I tried to do something and I failed miserably. I am so disappointed, sad, stressed out, and depressed. Basically I'm broken. Talked to mom last night and she was really nice and supportive. I realize that perhaps I haven't had any big obstacles in my life for quite some time. At least I have none which affect me and matters a lot to me. As such this time around I got depressed easily. I am still fighting because though I have forgotten this, I realize that I am a fighter and I fight for the things that I really want. A quitter is not what I am and I know it's not something which is acceptable by my dad. So as hard as it seems right now, I have to fight because that's what I really have to do. I have to fight until I bleed out or all doors are closed and at the end of it, I know if I am worthy of it or if it's really not something which is meant for me. Anyway, if I cannot get through this, there's a small chance I can get through the bigger challenges ahead.

:) eKa @ 10:04:00 PM • 0 comments

of Things 180409

BooHoo, I am going to start off by screaming (again) on how hot the weather is. Seriously I wonder if it's just me :( aarrgggh.

Went to watch CATS the musical with la Gioia and Lois yesterday. I did read about it in Wikipedia before coming to the show. From the article in Wikipedia, I had my doubt if CATS is really any good. It doesn't seem to be having a strong storyline. I have to say that I am quite right. Story wise, it wasn't that amazing. I think it's also because we couldn't understand some of the things sung that we didn't feel much about the story. I think Lois dozed off in some of the parts and la Gioia even said that she was quite sleepy on some parts. I did also yawn here and there. However, despite of the storyline not being strong, it doesn't mean that the show is bad. The cast were amazing. They danced amazingly and some of them were close to being acrobatic that it was really cool. The fact that they could sing and dance just bring envy to your heart of how some people can be so talented.

The "cats" were out and about the audience during the intermission, that I felt rather sad that we weren't sitting near the aisle, because I would have loved to touch them. My favorite cat is definitely Rum Tum Tugger! The fact that I fall for such narcissistic and playful cat kinda worry me a bit, because it does seem that I do fall for the wrong person. Anyway, he was just so captivating for me. So despite of his character which I wouldn't really like, I couldn't help being drawn to him. Another cool cat is Mr. Mistoffelees. I think he didn't sing at all but his ballet fouettés en tournant was definitely a crowd pleaser. Overall, I thought it was quite cool to be watching CATS. I wasn't really totally blown away but I'm glad that at least I got to watch it once. There was 1 song in Italian but unfortunately I didn't understand all the lyrics. I understood some words but I couldn't make out what the song is about. To be fair though, I didn't get some of the English songs as well.

Today, I took my new toy out to test it out. Casryn would have liked me to do so anyway since I have spent a lot of money on it. If you don't know what it is, you'll get some idea soon. I went to the Botanical Garden. This was only my second visit there. I kinda couldn't believe that I paid S$5 to enter the National Orchid Garden but oh well, at least now I can say I have visited it. I do have to see as much of Singapore as I can. Anyway, the experience was a hot one. Am I actually not an outdoor person? Hhmm ... I just didn't like the heat and on some areas there were bugs and insects and so I kinda squirmed like some silly girl. Here are the pictures. I still cannot get away from Photoshop.

:) eKa @ 8:57:00 PM • 0 comments

when the kuda lumping stole the limelight

Man! I have so many things to tell you and now I am just stuck with the fact that there's a kuda lumping performance down there near the flat I am staying!!! At first I was quite interested. I wanted to go down but I wasn't confident (nggak pd) so in the end I just watched from the kitchen window like many other people who then I realized was doing the same. It's been going on for 3 hours plus now! My interest and curiosity has now turned to my head getting dizzy with the gamelan and the occasional whip slashes that can be heard :( I don't know why it is there though! At first I thought it's for a wedding, though I don't understand why there would be a kuda lumping show in a wedding though Starfish did once mention that only rich family can afford a kuda lumping performance. Anyway then I thought perhaps it's to celebrate a boy's circumcision, which will mean that the family is totally rich indeed. Now I wonder if they are still going on because they still cannot get the people who are in trance back to normal. I really have no clue and since I'm not keen on seeing people being possessed, I normally watch this kinda thing (if I have the chance) from a good distance away. I am highly amused with the fact that here I am in a normal neighborhood in Singapore and yet I can see a kuda lumping performance. This is seriously not something that Jakartans like me see often. In fact I wonder if I have ever watched a kuda lumping performance live before. It's of course a different story if you live in Java, where I think these things are common. Oh I can hear people clapping now, I wonder if their performance now has some story or better choreographed tricks because when I watched it hours ago, it wasn't so.

Okay let's move on to other news. Last Thursday was Indonesia's election day - round 1 to pick members of the parliament. We will have another one to vote for the president. I opted to vote by post because I didn't want and didn't necessary have the time to go to the embassy and queue. I'm kinda really happy to be voting because for as long as I live here, I had actually never voted. So this was the first time and I'm kinda glad to be voting again. Talked to dad just now and found out that he voted for a different party than mine. He said my bro wasn't willing to share what he was voting for. I guess our family has different political views and I feel it's kinda cool that way.

Today, I spent a lot of money which will cause me to go through instant noodles diet for the next 2 weeks. Even so I don't know if I can survive. Merda! Got myself a new toy which in the end caused me S$2000 plus. My dad was kinda stunned to know how expensive this toy was when he converted the amount to Indonesian rupiah but surprisingly he said, "it's okay" which in turn stunned me because my dad is the strict frugal kind. Mommy wasn't around so I didn't talk to her, I wonder what she would say. Yesterday she didn't get why I need this new toy :P Yeah to be fair, I don't need it actually but I just want it. Anyway, there's so much to learn about this new toy :P

Then I also enrolled myself in a new activity which supposed to fill my Saturdays which are now free from Italian classed. Now for this one, my dad has an opinion :P Anyway darn it! I couldn't get into the Saturday sessions! So I will end up burning my Friday evenings. After it's done and paid for, I was left wondering sadly if I will be able to make it through and the fact it's on Friday will cause many people to perhaps hate me, aaarrrrggghhh!!! It was accidental though. You see, the receptionist was Indonesian so I think she was kinda distracted when we started talking about stuff that she didn't really hear me when I said I want a Thursday instead. I really hope I will not get too much problem because of this, anyway, it's only for 8 weeks. I hope everyone will just be okay and not judge me :S

On a more secretive note. This week I found out something. Rista asked me if I was feeling sad when I heard it. I said, yeah kind of. I did wonder which one made me sadder, the content of the information or the fact that I wasn't really told about it personally. I kinda knew it accidentally. I realized that the content of the info was what made sad but then I also realized I wasn't moping in "sorrow" :P Then I realize that you cannot help how you feel, feeling just comes but you kinda can control how it affects you. I guess it's like being scared and yet still march on to face the unknown or the uncomfortable. It's like being extremely overjoyed by your achievement and yet still feeling cool enough to be humble. I realize that I have issue with stress, sadness, and fear. All these negative feeling do paralyze me often but last weekend when I decided to just surrender it all to God, I realize that I can also just be positive and be happy. I'm not saying it's been an easy and enlightening week to adopt this point of view. I'm still trying and I know I will still have to learn for a long time. One journey home in the bus, I realized that this is how it will be about me, I will see the glass as half empty and yet I can deal with it as such that it doesn't bother me or just realize that a half empty glass is enough for me. I don't know if this mind set is wrong but I think so far, this is what I can live with :)

Okay peeps, the kuda lumping is still going on. However there is a Singapore rule to shut down all noise and performance by 10 pm right??? I really hope so. Take care peeps!

:) eKa @ 9:25:00 PM • 0 comments

Uncomfortable Times

Let me start off by saying, I feel that the weather is so freaking hot!!! Is it just me?

You may have experienced uncomfortable times in your life. Times that you really don't like and don't want to be in but however it's the fact of your life and it's really something that you have and you just have to live in it until it ends. I am not talking about a few hours kinda situation but days, months. Perhaps my first one in life was when I am in Primary 4. I couldn't remember the feeling but I know that I didn't like it much because that was the first time I was not in the same class as my cousin (we've been in the same class since kindergarten) and it's also the first time I had a male teacher as a form teacher. Back then in that stage in my life, teachers were associated to women. I remember not liking the situation much but I did survive the whole year and somewhat had a bit of fun. At the end of it, it wasn't bad at all.

Another uncomfortable time in my life was going to a government high school. I had mentioned this before. Private schools and public / government schools are really different in Indonesia and my first year in my high school was not really a happy one. The first week could be the worst week of my whole time there. However, I survived the 3 years and coming out of it, again I am saying it is not so bad. My second and third year was definitely much better. I am definitely a better person with all these uncomfortable experiences.

I had other uncomfortable times in my life which I rather not discuss. Some of them really were dark and introduced me to what it's like to be depressed. I mean these are times where feeling like a failure, sadness, and tears were constant presence. The shitty thing is I guess knowing that you've gone through those days do not mean that you have this automatic / default mind set that you can get through anything. It doesn't make you mentally bullet proof, at least for me. In fact you still feel depressed and wonder if you can go through this uncomfortable time in your life and of course you do wonder and scream, why God, why??? Why can't my life be just nice? *sigh*

The reason I am writing this is because I think I am having an uncomfortable period in my life right now. The "I think" in that sentence is perhaps the operative word. Someone may point to me that I'm just being paranoid. Perhaps I am. I feel uneasy all the time. My senses are not giving me good vibe. My mind is running all these different assumptions which don't start and end well *sigh* and damn how it doesn't help when you have people telling you, you are right for feeling uneasy and worried. However I guess it's a matter of whether you would rather take the bitter pill and see the truth or be carried away in some illusion and finding yourself broken when you least expect it. Think of the Matrix where Morpheus offered Neo the blue or red pill.

Anywho, I did have Rista who had been so kind to me and telling me with all confidence that I shouldn't be worried. Maybe she doesn't count since she doesn't see the situation but I am just comforted with such faith and confident that she has. I would love to talk to my mommy who normally could put me at ease however she's not at home :( so I make do with other things. Went to the temple today and kinda poured out my worries there and somehow I found myself doing kau cim. Before you judge me for being sinful or silly, well let me tell you something. I don't really think doing this is sinful. Silly perhaps if you do it a lot and base your whole entire life in it. I just feel some people may draw inspiration from the bible, self-help books like The Secret, Oprah, and such so why not try to get your mind helped with some divine intervention?

So my whole process was actually quite fast, around 3 minutes? I was asking about the things that bother me and something that I am planning. The reading was actually not bad, it fell in the "middle" category. The tagline was, Do not worry. Good times are near. To benefit in future advance. I was actually quite comforted. I took down some of the explanation that I found to be quite comforting and true, like Hardship must come before your wishes can be fulfilled. Doubt and fears lead to nothing. I particularly felt kinda empowered with this next line, Be bold and set off on your journey because ahead is a wider avenue of opportunity. I have much fear really and I guess I really have to be bold and just do it. Another line should make me feel more at ease but I feel I couldn't really erase that uneasiness completely, Your household will be in chaos but you are secure.

At this uncomfortable time in my life, I really cannot think of anything to do but leaving it all to God. See, I do not know what's best I should be and what I really want for that matter. I know I want something so bad and that's where I really need to put my energy and mind into. So other thing though as major as it seems because it's about my day to day life, I really feel I should just let God takes over. What He decides will be what's best for me and I know He knows and plans better than I can and since I have no idea right now, I really just have to leave it to God. Things may seem daunting and scary and sad but no matter what scary and sad situation that I have to face, I am counting on my faith in Him to get me through it and come out alright.

On other news, Indonesia is having election next Thursday. I opted to vote by post but so far I haven't gotten my voting papers!!! :( I really hope that they come on time. Yeah one vote may not make a difference in the already-messy-seem-like-hopeless Indonesian politics but I really want to vote.

I'm still feeling hot. Ciao peeps!

:) eKa @ 7:42:00 PM • 0 comments