Shit After Shit

I didn't have a good week this week. This week is the week in which I really really want to say FUCK OFF! and all the cursed words there are. Vaffanculo feels so apt. To think that this week is not even over yet. Sigh. It's not that I hate the people that I had been spending most of this week with. Seriously really. I'm sincere in all that I did and I wish them all the best. However all the answers that I have to give, all the solutions, all the things that I am expected to do are just straining me. I'm not a miracle worker. I don't walk on water. Most importantly, scientifically, in all possibility, I just cannot do ALL the things required of me. Energy, time. I have none of it all.

Today I was told to smile and that I looked so unhappy. God damn it! I seriously wanted to knock that person. My God! Yeah, I looked unhappy because you told me stupid things, asked me stupid things, asked me to fix your shit and my God, how many times over and over I had saved your ass and so excuse me for getting tired of it all. I guess you wouldn't believe me then when I said I was actually sincere when I do what I do. I am.

It's just I'm very very tired. I am very very tired of having to answer and solve everything. I don't bloody have all the answers. Seriously? Are you freaking kidding me? Have you ever wondered that it took me much efforts to do what I do? It's not like I am that smart or things come to me easily. How about me with my questions? Who help me? No freaking one, because no one can. Useless idiots! I'm just tired TIRED TIRED of it all. This week I realize that at the end of the day, there's nothing that anyone can give me to make me feel better. Funny, because I thought something could, but seriously no it couldn't. You can't buy happiness. It's really true.

So this week, I have been really rebellious. I have gone off and ignore everything. I pretty much hate everyone because everyone wants something from me and so I have been pulling myself away from everyone. I don't even want to hear anyone at all. Seriously, I feel like telling Fuck off! to anyone who come to approach me and I guess some people could actually sense that. I realize that this hatred, anger, or whatever it is that you call it is so big that it manage to douse any other bad feeling that I have, including sadness. That actually makes me feel rather good.

Not that this week didn't have its share of fortune for me. Did get something good this week but no it's not enough to ease my pain. Did manage to watch a movie alone. Watched Bucket List today. I'm so happy that I got to do it alone. Love the movie so much. As much as I thought I'd figured out what the story was about, I did get some nice twist in the movie. I found the ending was quite good because I totally got my assumption at the start of the movie to be wrong. I thought Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman were great, though I thought they're just the typical them in the movie. I thought it would be more interesting if they are playing opposite roles because they would be playing something which are totally different to their typical roles. Either way, I think they were still awesome and it was really a good pairing. Because of me having to write about coffee weeks ago, I got the joke about kopi luwak early on from the beginning of the movie and I thought it was really quite hilarious. Love the whole idea of bucket list. Unfortunately I don't think I would be rich enough to see the world that I want to see, so my bucket list would have to be economical. I was thinking what would be in my bucket list. I suppose it will change as you grow older. I was thinking my number 1 would be walking with the boy I love, holding his hand, kissing him, and telling him I love him, I am happy. Yes I am a hopeless romantic, or perhaps I simply just want to be happy. I do recommend you to watch this movie because I love it much however I do can see how some people would find it too typical, simple, and almost boring. I think this is really more my type of movie.

Take care guys. I am hoping for a peaceful weekend. Better week next? I highly doubt it. I wonder if I will just drop dead there and then. I don't want it to happen though, because 2 weeks ago I realized that for now I don't want to die in Singapore and (surprisingly it came as a revelation to me) I don't want to die alone. Let me rephrase that, I don't want to die without at least 1 of my family member around me. I hope if my time is in the nearby future, God grants me that. Morbid? I am so sorry. I'm just freaking pissed off with everything right now, hence all the emotional explosion.

:) eKa @ 10:04:00 PM • 0 comments

Vantage Point

Went to watch Vantage Point with Vivy yesterday and my God, deep sigh. It wasn't as I expected. The movie was less than 90 minutes and amazingly the makers managed to make it feel rather long. I thought the idea was great. Seeing the trailer I thought it would be about some special agents solving the assassination of the US presidents with the help of the different points of view of the different people who were on the scene. My oh my, it's not really so. It was perhaps slightly like that, the different people in the movie did help the special agent but I feel it wasn't developed well.

// ------------------- spoiler alert ----------------------------------

For one, instead of moving from one person to another and seeing what they saw in a continuous manner, we got flash backs of the different characters. So when 1 person was reaching the climax of what he saw, it was stopped and we went to 20 minutes before the incident and looking at it from another person's point of view. We counted, there were 6 times of this moving back and forth. I thought if it has been made for a tv series, it could actually be rather interesting. However for a movie, it just felt rather lame. True enough, the audiences laughed whenever we were being brought back to the flash back. It felt rather annoying at times for me, because as things are moving and gaining momentum, we had to slow down *sigh*

There were many famous actors but not all of them actually got much air time. Matthew Fox was actually a bad guy (it's kinda a bummer for me) and even him didn't really play much role. He spoke Spanish though and I felt it sounded rather weird. One of the bad guy was hot though, too bad he had to die. The ending was rather horrible for me, because the terrorist who sacrificed everything and killed everyone easily actually had some moral conscience at the climax. He swerved the ambulance he was driving to avoid hitting a little girl and with that he hit a wall, got badly injured and the president whom he was kidnapping could be saved. Aaah...movie I say, it could only happen in a movie. I think real terrorists wouldn't do something like that. When they are already committed to the mission, I think they would stop at nothing.

So yeah, that's my take. I just found that it wasn't as exciting as I hope it would be.

// --------------- end of vantage point -------------------

Life is tiring today. Another tiring day tomorrow. There's a good chance I will be so happy tomorrow or be so extremely disappointed and devastated. Me who always see the glass as half empty feel like tomorrow is not gonna be a nice one. So I feel like praying for God to give me strength and help me stay composed.

Mi manca ancora. Mi manca. Mi manca. Mi manca. Mi manca ogni giorno. Vorrei sorridere ma quando gli penso, mi manca, e sono triste

:) eKa @ 8:18:00 PM • 0 comments

Horton Hears a Who!

Happy Easter everyone. Hope you have a good holiday.

I'm not having a very reflective easter this year. I guess I have strayed more and more. Feel that I am physically rather unhealthy so I've been trying to keep physical activity to the minimum and try to sleep more and better.

Did go and watch Horton Hears a Who! with Vivy yesterday and I actually like it much. Of all Dr Seuss' books movies adaptation that I have watched, How the Grinch Stole Christmas! and The Cat in the Hat, I like Horton the movie the most. I'm particularly not so fond of The Cat in the Hat. I have never read any of Dr Seuss' books, so I really had no expectation on Horton nor can I write if the movie lives up to the book. I like it because I found that the story is nice. Dr Seuss did give moral values in his story and I have to applaud him for putting rhymes in his lines, though rhymes perhaps are not the correct word to use. For more reading, go here. I think these things are great, because they are so educative and really trigger the imagination.

In terms of the actors, I think all of them did well. I think it was interesting to picture Jim Carrey as Horton, because he's always explosive on screen and Horton being the size that he is does give much limitation to how physically crazy he can be. I don't know if you get what I mean Anyway, love Horton. Who wouldn't? He's so endearing and lovable and trustworthy, the kind of best friend that you would want because he would be there for you no matter what. Another character that I also like was Jo-Jo because I thought he was so cool. I think the animators did a good job dressing him in black and made me quite edgy though I doubt that was how Dr Seuss imagined him The Whos actually kinda reminded me of how the Grinch looked like, though the Whos obviously are not as freaky looking as the Grinch. Overall, I think the animation was nicely done. There were some nice surprises here and there in the animation and they made for a good laugh. Love it. Love the story. I find it to be very entertaining. I know that there are many movies to watch peeps, but this one is quite worthy to be put into your list

On other news before I lie down. I've got my CELI certificato today. I'm so happy. I got a B which stands for Buono, which means good and I'm so happy about it considering I thought I'd fail. So happy so happy! Thank you God. Okay, now I need to lie down. I really need some good sleep. Before I go, let me leave you with a line from Horton, ah ... who will not fall in love with this elephant hearing him say this, "I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful one hundred percent."

:) eKa @ 10:43:00 PM • 0 comments

The Spiderwick Chronicles

Watched The Spiderwick Chronicles with la Gioia yesterday. I was pleasantly surprised and entertained by it. Actually I wasn't so excited about watching it, but I really wanted to watch something and between Horton and The Spiderwick Chronicles, la Gioia chose Spiderwick. I was slightly interested in it because of my dear boy Freddie Highmore. He was really a dear to watch and he really made me wanna watch August Rush. In Spiderwick, I actually like him more as Simon, eventhough he wasn't the main character. He was also good as Jared, but I just love the softer Simon more. The story itself wasn't bad, though there wasn't actually much variety of creatures to be seen. The ending was a bit anti climatic, but oh well, the good triumphs, what more do you expect. I still find it to be a good watch, so if you want something light, you can go and watch this one. I should say again that Freddie Highmore really has potential and I hope to see more good movies from him. Most importantly I hope he does not fall into the stupidity that many young actors experience.

Was contemplating if I should write about what happened on Sunday night, but decided not to because it's rather too dramatic to say and perhaps morbid. What else there is to share? How about 1 hour ago I finished 1 pint of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia in less than half an hour. Goodness me. I am that crazy. Somehow I feel so happy that I managed to do that, especially since yesterday I was quite disappointed that I couldn't eat much and in the end didn't get to have my merri-mint I seriously felt defeated yesterday and felt that something was really wrong with my body that I couldn't eat much. NanSee asked me if I'm not scared I would get fat when I told her that I finished 1 pint of Ben & Jerry's. No, I'm not because I feel skinny. Yeah, perhaps that's kinda stretching it a bit but seriously there are days when I feel skinny and there are days when I feel rather chubby. On the days when I feel skinny, I actually pity myself and think I should really try to take care myself better. Anyways, I find that clothings really help me (at least for me) feel skinny. As I am sitting here typing, wearing a t-shirt Rista bought me and a short (quite short really), I do feel skinny. So yeah peeps, this is the crazy girl talking. I am actually more sad about the fact that it cost me 13 bucks plus for that 1 pint which I whooped so fast. Still, I do not recommend you to do the same if you are on diet or in diabetes watch. I don't know if I am one who should advice though since I don't really care about such thing myself

Okay gotta go now peeps. There are things to do and yet I am so lazy to do them all.

:) eKa @ 8:52:00 PM • 0 comments

Pi Day, Whiteday, Me Day

olla peeps! Happy Pi Day. If you wanna know about White Day, go to wikipedia as well okay. So today is me day also. Yours truly was born in the same day as Albert Einstein, but the brain power is so different.

I have quite a good day today. Thank you all who have made my day. My dear cousin was truly a dear. My wake up sms came from her. So just like last year, she was the first one who wished me a happy birthday. So I woke up, feeling rather good, not so depressed actually. Walked out and smiled because there was sun! The sky was blue. It truly made me smile. After all the rain we've been having, God gave a sunny day today and somehow that's really the first thing that I thought of. God. Thank you God. I am maybe too tacky or think too highly of myself, but I really thought He gave this sunny day for me. Love it and I was somewhat at peace on my morning bus ride.

Then arrived at my desk, with a lil present from Yen. Love her as well. Then Lois came. Apparently the good soul Ms. J sent her my birthday present some days ago and asked her to put it on my desk so that I got a little surprise, but it didn't work that way In her defense, it wouldn't fit my drawer. Either way, I couldn't help saying "oh my God" and I couldn't believe how sweet Ms. J is. She really is. Sometime I really think she cares too much about her friends. She is so right when she wrote "Dump all the unhappiness! Yeah, true, true, true! After that I had a nice Olio breakfast with Lois, who kindly accompanied me. As simple as eggs and bacon are, I was happy, happy, delighted!

Anyways, so I also got some birthday sms-es from some people. 2 facebook messages from Ayu (love her, bless her) and Margie (ah, I was so surprised). These are really simple things, but I'm really happy about it all. Managed to do a few things as well today. I can't say that productivity was high but I did manage to do some things and helped a few people. Then il Gatto said I must return for a meeting with him and his pet. I know they're gonna celebrate my birthday despite of me telling him some days ago not to. I did try to get away from it but alas to no avail. So I came back. Then they gathered in the room, apparently waiting for me. I was still dragging my feet and apparently they ran out of patience and started to sing loudly. I was pretty embarrassed. They got me a cake. Ash who bought it and she bought a nice one, choco exotic. A cake that I was thinking of getting for myself. Apparently they weren't sure how old I am. I think she asked for 30 candles and they put 27! Ah, no yet my dears, I'm not that old! I think they were really nice for doing this to me. il Gatto wanted me to join them for dinner, but I don't want too. Somehow I feel the need to be alone and have a bit of me time with myself. I'm kinda enjoying myself watching an Indonesian movie on TV now.

So that was pretty much my birthday today. Nothing really special happened but I'm okay about it. Perhaps it helped me get through this day better. I thought I would get sad and depressed about today but I think it went well. I have to admit though, I'm never one who is excited about birthday. Somehow it's just a day that I feel that I have to get through. When I went home today, I had this crazy thought of how good this day will end if I can hear Ruben Onsu sing me Happy Birthday but yeah, that's so not gonna happen.

Other notes about this 26th birthday. I got a snoopy bag from Dagi. I got the notice to pick it up on Tuesday and I realized that as much as I remembered that my birthday was coming, I was also kinda forgot about it. If you ask me what I got myself. Well, I didn't get myself anything but perhaps me passing CELI 2 can be counted as a present. Yeah, ho superato CELI! Sono molto contenta. When I read the mail on Wednesday, I was so darn happy! I was kinda in disbelief and couldn't stop saying "oh my God". Oh my God indeed. It's really is God's blessing. Thank you God. I was so happy and that happiness really brighten my days. It's been awhile since I feel so accomplished like this and it's been some weeks and days as well since I feel genuinely happy. For that, I really have God to thank.

:) eKa @ 8:41:00 PM • 0 comments

080308

Hello peeps. Just woke up about an hour ago and I suppose as soon as I woke up, restlessness and loneliness really attacked. Could perhaps have made it to NUS for the free movie screening but decided I was too tired. The secret recipe banana chocolate cake did help but now after reading a few things I got reminded of a few stuffs and got rather mellow. I realized that I don't have much energy literally. I don't know why. Slept at 12 plus last midnight, woke up and lazed in my bed until 7:30 something this morning and off I went to start my day. Morning engagement and then movie with Vivy. Reached my room at 5 plus and somehow I couldn't contain the sleepiness, hence I took a nap. Didn't sleep much but I did sleep awhile. I think I had quite an okay day, I just don't know why I'm so tired. Vivy was like up perhaps earlier than me, had her jogging, had her house stuff, had movie with me, then she went to Millenia Walk, then a karaoke session and I'm just amazed that she has the energy to do all that. There was a time when I tried to squeeze in as many activities on Saturday as I can, but I have to admit that these days I just say I'm tired for many things. Maybe I should be more active or distracted with stuff so that I wouldn't feel as lonely as I do now *sigh*

Okay on life. Found out from mom that my cousin's uncle passed away. That is so sad really. He had 2 boys and they're not really adults and I can't imagine losing a dad at a young age. I can't imagine his wife also having to move on without a husband. What's more sad about it is that it's all so sudden. He didn't die because of a chronic disease. From what I heard he just had a headache after playing badminton, then he was admitted in the hospital and fell into a coma. In a span of a few days, he died. Hence why I said in my previous post that life is precious. I also told you guys to be thankful for everything that you have, especially parents. Since Astley passed away, somehow it does scare me when someone leave so suddenly like that. I don't like that. Another reason why I got sad just now was because I stumbled into a post in Jane's blog. A talk she had over meal with Astley in which Astley asked what's the most important thing in your life? Astley said that the most important thing was to be happy. Seriously, reading the whole paragraph there, I almost felt like crying over him again because it's really what Astley would say *breathe in* I think I kinda really worried him sometime, I worried him because as many people have pointed out, I do often look sad. I am a sad soul, I guess. Maybe I should really do everyone a favor by trying to appear cheery.

Moving on. I wasn't in a good form in today's morning engagement. Talked about a few stuff. The shooting in Outram Park for example. I hope I don't get into trouble writing this down. MS asked what our opinion about it. S said that she felt that the police should shoot the guy in the leg, instead of shooting the guy lethally. Personally for me, my first reaction was what happened? The news said the guy was behaving in a threatening manner, but what does that mean, it wasn't explained in detail. He was not a young guy and his weapon (if it was with him at that time) was a knife. So I just felt that not much explanation was given about how the man behaved to deserve to be shot to death. Of course I had difficulty expressing these thoughts in words *sigh* A friend of MS was actually there when it happened and he was behind the policeman. He said the policeman just shot the guy without warning, without saying freeze, stop, or something like that and the shooting was in a distance of 3 m away. This actually tallied to a story from one of the eye witness being interviewed on tv, he said they suddenly heard a shot and quickly hid behind a wall. So before that they didn't hear or perhaps saw anything suspicious. So MS asked us again what we thought of this. Hearing everyone said their opinion, I had to say something creative and luckily this brain could work. First and foremost actually I thought the policeman was panicking that he just shot the guy so that he wouldn't have to deal with him face to face on close proximity, then being the kind me I offered another explanation that perhaps it had to be done because there may not be much time 'till a train arrived and the guy went into the train. Whatever it is, somehow Singapore is getting to be quite happening, no? We also talked about the escaped terrorist, in which the peeps seemed to be sure he had fleed the country. Indonesia was the general agreement. I don't get how he could have done so. It would be difficult to do so if he's alone but if he's not alone then how come he could be that lucky. He managed to have his people helped him flee in an efficient time though his escape was perhaps an unexpected lucky break? Maybe as Ms. Kiera suspected, someone from the inside was involved. That would actually make more sense. Anyways, they're still looking for him. He could pass in front of me and I may not notice him.

Next. Movie today was Charlie Wilson's War, which I found to be not so bad but perhaps it's rather difficult to follow the conversation. The top actors were of course great. Kinda miss seeing Julia Roberts on screen. As a matter of fact, kinda miss Tom Hanks too. The story was based on a true story, amazingly. I found it really remarkable that people can really change the world. Should you watch it? Well, it's not as funny as I thought it would be, it actually really got down to business. As I said the conversation could be hard to follow, but if you could follow them, you could find some witty lines and the characters should be applauded for saying them in a very entertaining manner, especially Philip Seymour Hoffman. I think it's quite an interesting watch, but it's really not your typical box office movie despite of the big stars.

Let me leave you right now with perhaps the first love story I've written. Of course Maria helped me a lot with fixing everything. I would say it's half fiction because (I wonder if it's actually obvious) I'm writing it from the girl's point of view, namely me. I could be so wrong, so just take it as a fiction. I guess you are somewhat disappointed that you couldn't understand this, ya?

Questa è una storia su una ragazza e un ragazzo. All' inizio loro non parlavano spesso, si salutavano solamente. Un giorno hanno cominciato a parlare più. Lei era sorpresa perchè non pensava che lui e lei potessero parlare tanto perchè lui era molto diverso di lei. Lui sentiva la stessa cosa. Era interessante per lui scoprire questa ragazza. Per lui, lei era carina, intelligente, e gentile. Hanno cominciato a cenare spesso insieme. A lui piace molto il gelato e spesso prendevano il dolce insieme.

A lui cominciava a piacere sempre di più però lei non era sicura che lui avesse un sentimento speciale per lei. Lui non le diceva mai niente però ogni giorno lui la cercava. Lei si sentiva un pò strana perchè le diceva sempre tutto. Lei non capiva perchè lui avesse tanto fiducia con lei. Da parte sua, semplicemente lei era molto felice quando passavano il tempo insieme.

Un giorno lei ha deciso che aveva bisogno di dirgli il suo sentimento. Lui era sorpreso perchè lui non immaginava che avesse un sentimento speciale per lui. A lui piaceva però pensava che fosse meglio se rimanevano amici. Lei era un pò triste. Lei pensava che una volta avesse avuto un sentimento per lei ma che ora il sentimento fosse scomparso.

---

Penso che loro si siano incontrati in un momento diverso. É triste che nessuno abbia detto niente. É probabile che lui abbia avuto un sentimento speciale prima, però non aveva detto mai niente. Poi lei si è resa conto del suo sentimento, però in quel momento lui non aveva lo stesso forte sentimento. Penso che sia triste.

:) eKa @ 8:10:00 PM • 0 comments

Stopped

Hello guys. Aguas de Marco is playing in my winamp now. The French version. The original one from Antonio Carlos Jobim and Elis Regina is coming up after this and how I love it. Okay many of you are like lost in what I am talking about, though I've written about this song some years ago, so just go here peeps. This being the month of March, I guess I should relish this song even more. Truly one of my favorite never-can-get-bored-no-matter-how-many-time-I-hear-it song.

So there isn't any movie to talk about though there are a number that I want to watch. Read that Starfish watched Persepolis and I'm kinda envious about that. However timing and people are not in my side currently. I had quite a good day today despite of me being sick. Yes people, I'm finally stopped. I actually made it out of the house today but around 10 am, I called it quit. My runny nose didn't stop so I decided I was not in a good condition to go through the day. I went straight to the doc. She gave me the usual medication. By fate she asked me if I didn't sleep. I said I haven't been sleeping well for a long time and some people suggested asking sleeping pills from her. She said no and I agree with her. I think it would really stamp me as a nutcase if I do take sleeping pills and she said that once I started on that, I would never stop. So thank goodness that we are all logical about it. She didn't give me a day off for tomorrow. She said I would be fine. See, I've told you people, that I have a strict doctor. After talking to her, I kinda feel like I have my mom around. Today I just felt that the doctor was a bit motherly though there were many times when I think she's not too sympathetic. I guess because my own mother wouldn't be sympathetic at me either, she would actually scold me if I get sick

So I actually feel good today despite of the flu and the chest pain, which I am still having now (it's okay, it's rather mild). I got to sleep, thanks to the flu medicine. I love it when my body could shut down during my sleep. I woke up after an hour or so without feeling or remembering anything, like for that hour or so I didn't exist. Unfortunately this very rarely happens when I sleep. I guess my body really needed the rest. I've been feeling off for more than a week and I'm glad that today I'm finally able to stop. Life has been rather tight these days so I guess that's the reason why I kept going on. I guess somehow being sick couldn't fit in the schedule.

What have been happening? Some things happened but I kinda feel numb about it all. I didn't even write about Vinny leaving. He did. Though unlike the girls, some things are still unresolved for him. Being in the middle of the battle field, the first thought that came to my head was that I hope when my time comes to part ways, it will end in good terms. I don't even know who's right and who's wrong and it's tiring for me hearing agitation from both sides. Some people are guided by different things in their life, religion, beliefs, rock bands and such and so those guide you when you make your decision and your stand. I realize I am pretty much the Indonesian in looking at this situation, make that Chinese Indonesian if you want, as such I don't want confrontation. I just want it to be done and if it's me, I would just get everything done so that I can move on. Yeah, it's very difficult to be sincere, isn't it? You want to make a stand but sometime I wonder if the stand they want to make is a good one to choose. How about goodness? Again, I don't know who is right, who is wrong. Lois said everyone is wrong. She may actually be saying something wise.

Dear cousin's birthday was yesterday. So she is 26 and so I will too soon. If you have read the previous posts, I've written that I've embraced being 26 since the start of the year but that doesn't really stop the sadness that comes when I think of my looming birthday. Yes, it is inevitable but the officialism of it all is still hard to swallow. Is there a difference between being 25 and 26? Isn't age is just a number? Yeah for me there is. As usual, I feel like I'm running out time and as much as my life hasn't actually been a total failure, I feel like I've wasted some parts of my life *sigh* Anyways, dear cousin's family is having quite a bad time now. One of her uncles is hospitalized. For me that's another nudge from God that life is precious and the certainty of it is so unpredictable. I feel that's like another nudge for me to do that thing that I dream of doing (I'm scared, God). Anyway, my cousin said that they are praying for the best and I think they are praying for strength to face whatever it is God decides. It's kinda scary for me if I really think about it. It also makes me feel thankful that I have parents, though perhaps I don't have the perfect relationship with them. I think you should too, be thankful for everything that you have.

I gotta go now, it's getting late and my tomorrow is gonna be heavy. Let me leave you with a quote I read today from Henry Ford, "You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do". So true, very very true.

:) eKa @ 9:55:00 PM • 0 comments

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