Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Collected the present that Dagi sent me. I guess that's the last birthday present for this year. It was an amazing package as usual. 8 types of German / Austrian chocolate, a card, and a sheep soft toys named Millie. So now, I have a small little farm in my bed, I have Diddle (a mouse), Otto (the alligator or crocodile, I'm not sure), a small teddy bear, 3 ducks (not named, but one of it is Fredward, I think), Woof (the dog), a big cat, Pooh, and now 2 sheep. Yeah that's pretty much the crowd. Anyways, love Dagi. I wonder if I do her justice in all the packages I sent her. Oh yeah, I bought myself a Baby G, well with some fund that the circle of trust entrusted me. I'm still broke, but I (and Vivy as well) think it's pretty nice.The next part is R-21, so stop reading if you feel uncomfortable or if imagining me writing all these things are too hard for you to digest.
Finished reading 11 Minutes
from Paulo Coelho. It's actually one of the easiest book from him that I read, but my of my the content is truly...I don't even know how to comment on it. It's about a Brazilian girl who ended up in Geneva as a prostitute. One of the sentence written at the back of the book is and I quote: "The reality - selling herself to survive - is a dehumanising grind that pushes her further away from real love, towards a fascination with pure physical pleasure
". If I had put much thought into it, I maybe would have been more prepared for the book. It's just, the sex content of this book is pretty explicit and a lot. I have never read any book with such content. It (sex I mean) actually becomes rather freaky and scary. I seriously felt rather perturbed reading it.
Now I am more convinced that the sentence that I once uttered that sex is overrated is rather true! That time the guy that was there during the conversation said "it's so NOT!" Well, now I know why, because he's a guy! I wonder if guys will always enjoy sex no matter what (I'm a bit "polos" I guess, not sure what the English word should be to describe "polos") but it's just, with girls it's not so as straightforward as going in and going out. Sex is not really something that I talk openly with anyone and I know that I'm not ready to discuss it. I guess I will need people that I truly feel comfortable with to talk about this and of course the people and me should have knowledge of the topic (and this will take some time)
I wonder if I will have such an open conversation about this with my best girls back home. The last time we met, we did touch a bit of this issue and already we felt weird with all the crazy things people do. Hhmm...I guess people who have done it and like it would say that if you do it right then it's truly an experience. I suppose that's right but we'll just have to wait, don't we
Anyway, the book actually has an interesting story, quite a movie material. If it has been a "normal" book, it can be very romantic and sweet, however Coelho had to put his enlightenment into the book and hence I feel it's rather dark. Reading the afterword, I found out that he really did his research to write this book and made it pretty detailed. It's truly interesting to think of Coelho being a man and being able to write from a woman point of view in such details. Wait...of all the books I read from him, I guess it's only The Alchemist
where the story is being told from a boy's point of view. I kinda felt Maria (the main character in 11 minutes) at a few parts, not the sex and prostitution parts but more on the parts of her feeling where she was and the part when she wanted to leave the place where she had been living in. It wasn't clear where she ended up, but she got that nice guy. If such thing will happen to me...well, I have my doubts. I think it's rather stupid to change your life's plan for a guy, don't you think? But again if it's like the book, where it's really the "one" then ... you'll come back to me again and ask me about that
:) eKa @ 8:27:00 PM •
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Dead-End or Cul-De-Sac
I wonder if dead-end and cul-de-sac means the same thing. Seemed similar but a bit different, I guess it depends on how you see it. Today I feel my life is a dead-end. Yes, another of me complaining about my life. People may be tired of this and try to rationalize or just want to throw me from the 3rd floor balcony to shut me up, but hey ... right now I just want to be consumed by myself no matter how wrong and unhealthy that is. I haven't met anyone who feel what I am feeling so I don't know how to deal with all these frustration. I know other people have their own frustration but so far the people I know of, well...all of them seem to be okay with life. Reading Carl's blog, she perhaps has some issue but overall I think she's pretty happy with life. So my point is, I just don't know anyone who is experiencing a dead end in their life. Even worse than feeling that, I feel that everyone that I know think that dead end is not possible because they have plans or perhaps they don't have expectation or desire (or if they have, all are pretty practical) and hence life is pretty okay. I am not saying that my life is not okay. I'm not rich, but I have enough money to spend, I have people who make me laugh, I have people who tell me interesting stories and such. The only thing that make all that not so rosy is being in my age and feeling like I am running out of time to do something extremely great for my life. Why running out of time? Because face it, adulthood and responsibility are seriously knocking at my door and before I submit to that, I just want to make sure I do something really good for myself or perhaps cover my basis so that I can die feeling contented.
Anyways, I guess the suckyness started yesterday afternoon. Can't really tell you what happened but let me tell you the thoughts that came to my head. I took my usual taxi ride and in the taxi I was thinking that it was when I was around 14 or when my brother was around 14 ... well let's just settle that it was around that period in our life that our relationship turned uncontrollably bad until now. So I thought that it is perhaps my bad karma that I have to endure similar things in tenfold or perhaps more. I have to deal with all the idiotic things and stubbornness. Was quite angry yesterday and yet as I was trying to toughen it up, I felt like crying and so I wonder why can't I just be angry properly. Silence did ensue when I was making my point but the stubbornness continued *sigH* That sucky feeling lingered as today commenced that I kinda dreaded my Saturday's engagement. Tried to prepare myself yesterday but I guess I just couldn't really muster enough concentration that I was lousy and made stupid mistakes *sigH*
Things were slightly better today after I talked to my mom and had a few laugh. My uncle from Hongkong is visiting the family and I already heard some drama happening. Who would have thought that such things can happen to our family
One thing I can say though, that we pretty much share the same gene in terms of anger and all. When we don't like someone, we really can be icebergs
As bad as I am for saying this, I feel glad to know that they are capable of doing the same thing as I am
Anyway, talking about family, I just got to thinking that some people are with their family, some people see their family often, and I get at most 1 month a year to see some of my family. That's like around 30 days in the whole of 365 days a year. I just feel rather sad realizing that. See how I alone I am. People may think it's not a big deal, friends can be family and such but I am pretty much alone. Will things get easier if I choose to live with my family, mom, dad, cousins, and all? I don't know. I've spent much effort trying to make do with me, I guess I just don't think I'm failing yet and hence I'm still trying to love me and be with me.
So in these few days I actually get total alone time, total freedom, which was spent humming to Malid & d'Essentials just now. Strangely I wasn't that excited upon getting the news. In the past, such chances had been filled with much sugar but now I tried to take it easy. I am enjoying the freedom, the silence, the space (though recent stories do make me look around even more and dislike the dark). It's just another very ordinary and bland Saturday. I guess for this one, I'm not gonna complain, I'm just happy to be able to spend time listening to songs alone, in my computer and such.
:) eKa @ 9:33:00 PM •
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Pane e Tulipani + Stomp the Yard
This morning was as usual. Watched Pane e Tulipani
and just when I thought I was getting better, I feel demoralized perchè 99% non ho capito niente *sigH* Anyways, the movie was quite good but perhaps it's the European style, it didn't entice me much though I think the story was interesting. Perhaps because I didn't really understand the language and culture so I don't feel that it's as witty as it can be if Hollywood makes it, but then again Hollywood may make it too commercial and lose all the poetic meaning. Really love the whole idea of taking a different turn and see where it leads you. I seriously wish I can do that. I kinda envy the whole freedom that the housewife got and how things worked out for her. I'm not sure I agree with the ending because she decided to get a divorce and moved to a different city and be with the man that she fell in love with. I think I'm just very conservative about divorce and stuff.
The day continued with meeting La Gioa and NanSee for a movie and lunch. We finally settled to eat lunch at Indo Padang in The Cathay building. In the same place I wrote last time. I still don't think the food were amazing but they seemed to enjoy it. La Gioa loves the fattening soto ayam, goodness me! We ordered quite a lot of things and I must say some of the servings were really generous.
The movie that we watched is Stomp the Yard
, my pick. There were some really cool dance movement. I may be wrong, but I think there were a lot of krumping
especially at the beginning of the movie. By the way, we were late by a few minutes. Story wise, it was not really that amazing, it was pretty typical. Some of the fraternity stuff were pretty silly, we laughed about it. I feel all these steppin' to these black people are like cheerleading to the white teenage girls in America. I want to say that steppin' are so much cooler but as I said, they did some pretty silly and weird stuff for the sake of fraternity. Don't you love being in a fraternity though? With your band of brothers? Somehow I feel that girls sisterhood are just not that fun. I don't know, maybe because I feel that girls can be so difficult to deal with
Oh yeah, I have the hots for the guy who was the leader of the house where the main character was in. Gosh!!! He's just so cool and the body type, man!!! I love it
Overall, I think the movie was somewhat entertaining.
On life update. Managed to fix the bug that's been buggin' me for around 2 weeks. Praise the Lord!!! It was a pretty easy solution, geez!!! I did browse through a page about depths and all to figure out what to do. God, we really do need people who do research on computing stuff.
Submitted my essay. Not so sure how it's gonna work out. Slim chance and I might as well start praying of keeping it calm when things don't work out.
The TV blew up and I missed American Idol and Prison break. Damn it!!! Got a replacement, but smaller ... I don't want to talk about it. I guess some people are just good at tormenting other people *sigH*
Received a mail which gave me my freedom. I am liberated. It was dated 12 March 2007, 2 days before my birthday, which means when I was 24. I should be happy, should be jumping up and down, should be screaming and announcing it to the world and yet ... well if I think hard about it and try to absorb it, I can choose to die *sigH*. I did wonder if I ever gonna see this day, even before I went to Singapore in the first place and I did, I got through it. I'm done, I'm free. Well not quite. One because all the crazy things that I want to do, I can not do (well I still can actually) because my mom disagrees (though she will not fight much if it's what I choose to do). I guess I'm just so scared and denying the reality check. Two is because even if I do it, that real independence day will be somewhat around April 19 (maybe faster) and if I choose that, I will have to abandon a few people. So I can choose to stay with them, which means that the day will be May 5, or I can choose to make sure they're pretty much taking care off and that day will come even later. I wonder if I should care about them because I often feel they don't value me much, but today I received the mails that pretty much say that my opinion matters. So I guess for the time being, I choose to stay, for the kids. It's ironic really, because right now I really enjoy the presence of some people. They make things more bearable, but the truth is, they may take flight faster than me and I don't know if I can survive it when that happens.
Gotta go, let me leave you with parts of a song from Simply Red - Never Never Love
, which is one of my favourite-cannot-get-bored-of song.
So now we've got our independence, ooh...
What are we gonna do with it?
Learning to play different games
Already using different names
So now we've got our independence, ooh...
What are we gonna do with it?
Building the houses, claiming back the land
Burning the bridges, cleaning up your hands
When our love is good we have something for the future
Now our love will grow the seeds to sow this real revolution
This good revolution baby, where you're not below me anymore
:) eKa @ 10:14:00 PM •
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Buon Compleanno Mia Cara
Venti Cinque! Oh mio Dio! More about that later. Let's talk about movie first. Went to watch Music and Lyrics
with Vivy and Sigit yesterday. Gosh, I am really not made for night activity anymore. Reached my place at around 11 pm + and I was pretty dead tired. Anyways, love the movie so much. Can't really say that the movie is deep, but I think it was a pretty good ensemble of cast. I think Drew Barrymore was interesting and sweet. Hugh Grant was loveable as always. I think he is truly made for romantic movies, kinda unbelievable that some people do not fall for him. I love Hugh Grant
I like how their character seemed pretty real. I mean I can quite identify their quality with some people that I know
Moving on, I think the most interesting character in the movie is actually the singer, Cora Corman. Her character is interesting because she danced like Shakira and put "sounds" to her songs like Britney, so she should be this slutty type kinda girl, but when she spoke, she spoke in all calmness like a meditated monk or something like that. So I kinda looked forward hearing what she's gonna say next and how she's gonna say it. I really enjoyed the movie. Do I recommend it to everyone? Well, I think some people will think it's not worth their time.
Allora, Venti Cinque. Well my first birthday wishes came from the girls last month, so I supposed they were the first ones to bring me to 25.
Vivy sent me the first sms related message, which was yesterday night. But I really loved the fact that it's my cousin, Marlisa, who woke me up with her sms this morning.
The most loving sms, I have to give it to my other cousin (Marlisa's older sis). Love it so much. I think she covered many of the important and necessary wishes.
Most unexpected sms, I guess Vinny's. Simply because I didn't expect it.
Number of compleanno related emails received: 2. Dagi beat the Mr to it. Kinda glad to receive the email from the Mr, since we haven't been talking for the longest time. I guess, I've been way too busy.
Other unexpected well wishes: Arief A, because it's a friendster message
Got a card and a cake and a happy birthday song today. Must thank Lois for all the effort and BlueRose for getting the card signed. Really appreciate all that lined up to sing me the song though I said "Please don't". The weird thing is that somehow I felt complete, like I have gotten all the things that I should get or can be gotten, like another sign telling me to go. Anyways, so I've eaten 2 cakes, being the weird me, I just feel like 50. It just feels a bit weird. I guess because I'm not too fond of my own birthday.
Well, I guess it's pretty much it. Many asked what I'm gonna do today. Well it's Wednesday, so it's laundry day. Then I am blogging now. After this, I gotta write my essay. After that I need to really fix my program. I can't believe that I still can not get it right. I refuse to be defeated (though I feel I am already defeated). This week will be the last week. I have to move on next week. Feeling pretty stressed now, because I feel I am way behind schedule. I like to say that I have a good reason for that, however I don't think so.
Can I tell you how I feel? I feel blessed, I feel contented. I don't do anything special today. People gave their effort sending me their well wishes and doing all the small things and I feel it's pretty amazing. So it's all good. Thank you all. Grazie mille tutti! Grazie Dio, grazie
:) eKa @ 7:54:00 PM •
Saturday, March 10, 2007
On an unEventful Saturday
Olla peeps. Not feeling too good right now. Must be the thing I ate. Had a good dinner with the Swenseners on Friday. Got another birthday present. I'm not sure what I'm gonna use it for. I must say we are being practical this year in giving our presents. So next week is my birthday week. Actually didn't really remember it until someone reminded me this morning and it is only now that I noticed the actual day. It will be just another day. NanSee said how could it be that I would spend it as any other day. Well pretty much because it's no big deal. It is actually, I mean it happens only once a year, but I really don't want all the fanfare.
Accidentally bumped into the juggler this morning. Talked a bit before I got off on my stop. I don't know if I had that trustworthy look or the look that made people could just confess their life problem but he almost wanted to say something which I think didn't come easy for him. So I just summed it in 1 sentence without the possibility of exploring (or maybe exploiting) it further, because it's none of my business and if it's rather hard for him to elaborate, then I just don't need to know. I actually must admit that it is difficult for me to keep some things for myself. Somehow I just feel the need to tell someone else. This is something I must really learn. I really have to learn to bite my tongue. Friday Gascoigne had doubt in telling me something. Knowing how talkative I am, he has a good reason to. Again being the interrogative me (I think perhaps my instinct just builds up with my interrogative experience), I managed to guess what it is that bothers him. Didn't get the details, but since he found it hard to explain (or to trust me) I decided not to pursue it much more *sigH* Everything is really not as it seems to be. Anyway you know, I think I can formulate a guideline or theory on how to get information from people who are not into giving it in the first place. I almost want to write it here, but that would make me so sneaky, in which I don't think I really am. I mean, people come to me and tell me stuffs and perhaps it started to feed my greed and make me want to know more and poke into things which are none of my business. So I gotta learn to keep my nose away from things which are not useful for me to smell as well as keeping my mouth shut. So help me God.
So today, nothing interesting. Morning engagement as usual. Signed up for another 10 weekends of dedication and days of efforts. Being told off again that I shouldn't be so "like that" and was persuaded (= pushed) to attend the party tomorrow, and next week. Should be thankful that after so many rejection, I still get invited (Carl is really nice) but no, thank you. I can smile thinking of how my mom would like me to socialize more as well but she wouldn't like this kind of social activity. Anyways, I went home after getting a few stuff. Tried to take a nap, but that wasn't a good one. My brain was thinking about other stuffs, I don't know if I really slept. It was hot as well, so I was tired when I woke up *sigH* And now, I have to dismantle my codes and put it into other methods. Coding should be logical and I have been damn logical with it, and yet perhaps it is called scripting (not really coding) for a reason, because they are a bit unstable and dumb? On top of it, I need to write an essay, a darn good one at that. Geez, I want this really bad, but I suppose I need to pray a lot and take that first step. Take care peeps!
:) eKa @ 8:42:00 PM •
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
The Pursuit of Happyness
Went to watch The Pursuit of Happyness
today ... alone. Seriously I don't mind watching alone. Was really happy to be doing it actually, because I just feel I need the time alone. The movie was ... well, Vivy watched it last Friday and I asked if she wanted to cry. Then 2 girls yesterday told me that the movie was really touching that one of them cried and the other wanted to cry. Me? Well, I suppose there were some touching scenes but I just wasn't really that moved. I think Will Smith looked so much older. Maybe to depict all the hardship. I also felt he looked skinnier, I guess because of all the sprint he had to do. There were so many running involved. His boy, Jaden, was cute but I felt he looked so much better during the Oscar award. Was it a good movie? I think so, especially since it was based on a true story. Very inspiring indeed.
The main character, Chris Gardner, had to go through a lot and in the end it paid off. This got me thinking of our own hardship and so called "suffering". I usually think that we need to experience all the hard things that come our way because God is preparing us for more challenging things in the future. After the movie, I feel that perhaps if we persevere and accept all the hardship that we go through, one day we will get that reward and it will be sweet. I like to believe that. Unfortunately, I don't think I have suffered enough. Obviously not as much as Chris Gardner. So I have no right to complain because I'm doing alright. Still far from purchasing a Ferrari but I get to eat everyday and I don't have to sleep in a toilet, so what do I have to complain about?
Oh yeah, the movie kinda made me want to have a Rubik cube. Anyone? My birthday is coming. Talking about birthday. I actually forgot my dear cousin, Marlisa's birthday. I feel like shit. How can I forget? I'm pretty pissed with myself. It is not impossible to do all, there are enough time, enough energy. I just watched a movie that proved that. However, I've not been doing that. I've been complaining there's not enough time for myself and such (I still pretty much stand by that argument) but I guess I should give more time for others? aaahh I cannot do that, I just can't feel sincere about it *sigh* sorry.
Feeling kinda sad today. Claire is no longer here. Geez, I promised myself that I would write about her and until now I haven't done so. I first met her when she was 3 or 4 and now I think she is 5. She was really shy when I first saw her, holding her's mom legs. Then she started to warm up and asked me questions during dinner and such. There was a period when she was infatuated with my cat and ducks. Then I think her aunt reprimanded her for invading my privacy. There were times when she would play hard-to-get, but there were times also when she would run to me and called out to me when I was back. Then there were also the accidental babysitting that she forced me to do. It felt to be such a chore that time. I still don't want to do it now, but I just feel very sad (should I say sadder because I am already sad these days) not having such welcome when I'm back anymore and having to have my dinner alone. The loneliness kinda becomes pretty unbearable. Somehow when I reach the door, I feel that it's the end of my human contact and it just feels sad, really really sad. I guess as much as they can be annoying, it's good to know they were there, although they weren't in my zone. I feel sad. Maybe I'll get over it. I know that she perhaps has gone over me, being the little kid that she is. Interesting things in school must have made me forgotten.
Today I mailed a letter that should have made me smiling upon doing it, but what I felt was sadness and frustration. I imagined being happy, because it finally comes to an end. I imagined I would do it excitedly but with everything that was happening, I was actually 1 week later than what I was planning. The fact that something should have made me ecstatic made me rather sad instead, was just really frustrating. Seriously, life should have not been this sucky. Aaahh...as I'm writing that, I feel like crying. I got reminded of my graduation period. It was supposed to be such happy moment but I was pretty worried about the future that I didn't have fun. My aunt who was here at that time was telling me that I should just forget about the future for a while, enjoy the break that I deserve and be happy about my achievement. I should feel the same way now, but gosh seriously tears are gonna drop now. I just feel really sad because life is not as bright and rosy as I want it to be. I hate being where I am right now. Hate is maybe too strong but thinking about it, I hate still doing what I'm doing, I hate still being where I am. Not that it is really that bad but it just feels like a failure on my part, because I feel like I'm wasting my life away. It is time for me to let go and I wish I can just let go *sigH*
:) eKa @ 8:24:00 PM •
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Hello peeps. Life has been tiring for me. Feels like I have been slammed left and right since I got back. I haven't had any proper sleep. Been spending much time completing my task and 10 pm onwards when I normally lie down and enjoy the TV, I was studying. There was even a day this week when my first heavy meal of the day came at 5 pm, and the day before that, it came at around 2.30 pm. Now I realize why I can be in my size despite of the so much thing I can swallow on 1 sitting, it's because I am very very tired and to think it is not even a week since I am back. Life perhaps can be worse as I have witnessed this week. I guess I should be thankful that I am still protected, or am I?
Had my 3rd
birthday present of the year. It is a painting of a boat from Starfish. Seriously almost teared a drop that morning when I saw it. It's still wrapped on my desk because I don't really have a place to put it. I showed it to Gascoigne, and he said, wah such boat can have so deep meaning. Well, yeah, me and starfish were in the same boat and this week really showed how I am sinking without him. I guess it is also unfair for him to be plugging all the holes and me getting by. Everything will eventually be surmounted I suppose.
Had dinner with the pets and friends yesterday. Actually had much fun though I think we kinda rampaged the place that I felt it was rather embarrassing. Never mind, I wouldn't be a regular fixture there
Had my 4th
birthday present of the year (it's very nice of the uncle to give me something) and there was a cake as well. Gosh, how come my 25 is being celebrated so early. I am surprised with myself as well, how I am embracing being 25 since the start of the year without much resistance. I still feel pretty old and frustrated with my life but perhaps these days there aren't much time for me to even think about all these.
Saturday morning was not bad. Luckily I wasn't really late. Was a bit blur at some parts because I forget many things and so Prabh poked me and I even got slapped on my shoulder. My goodness, to think that at one point in time we didn't really know each other well and it seemed unlikely that we would ever have anything in common to talk about. Well we pretty much haven't talked about life issue and all but I guess I take comfort in knowing that there is someone who is as blur as I am
It is interesting, isn't it? You know like, you know this person, perhaps see the person often but never had a conversation and the only thing you know about each other is each other's name. Then one day by sheer chance you made small talks, maybe joked a bit and then you found yourself talking about interesting stuff more often and you have become closer friends. Something which seemed so unlikely to happen when you were in your "strangers" days. I feel this way about me and Gascoigne. He and his gombal
statement (sorry I can not find the correct words to describe gombal) do make me smile after my tiring day. Eka does get pleased easily, doesn't she? Well, it still can not give me the energy that I need. I am still very tired.
with Vivy today and how I love it! It is a shame that it is not part of the nominees for best picture in Oscar this year, but I guess they had to choose 5. Jennifer Hudson was really brilliant. Such a powerful voice and strong portrayal. I think her character is a very strong and good role that I feel a bit strange that she is nominated for a supporting role instead of the leading role. I kinda feel that the story pretty much revolved around her. Perhaps it is her strong presence that made me feel that way. Shed a few tears here and there because of her singing. She was really good. Beyonce was looking really beautiful being skinny and all. It is really a good movie and I really enjoy it.
Had padang food for lunch and they were not really that good. The soto ayam made the most impression (not really in a good way) for being very thick and rich with coconut milk. Me and Vivy concluded that we are not much of Padang food people. The eggs were too spicy, the grilled chicken was a bit dry, the rendang chicken just passed, and the soto; goodness, for someone who eat a lot of fattening food, I really do think the soto was too fattening. They did give a very generous serving though. I think Padang food in Indonesia come across as more homey and comforting. Here, they just seem so serious? I think like seriously trying to live up to the high expectation of Padang food that people normally associate with that they kinda fail? I don't know, can't really explain it well and don't take my comments as well peeps, because I am a fussy eater. Okay, I gotta go. I have much drawing to do and emails to reply. Damn it! So tired!!! So much things to do and no time for me, even to write in my diary.
:) eKa @ 8:02:00 PM •