Feeling rather sleepy right now. I did have quite a long day. Will be writing these in points again.

1. Morning engagement as usual, after which I met up with Vivy for lots of Indonesian food and a movie, Rendition. I didn't know what the movie was about coming into the cinema. However I was pleasantly surprised and entertained. The movie was starring Meryl Streep, Jake Gyllenhaal, Reese Witherspoon, and Alan Arkin. It was a drama which centered around this Egyptian guy who was accused of having an involvement in a suicide bomb attack, when in fact he wasn't. He was a good guy who had stayed in America for more than 20 years. The story centered around him, his pregnant wife, the people in the intelligence who tortured him (which was nasty by the way, I wonder if it does really happen to all those terrorist suspects now), and the family and love story of one of the local force figure. It was rather interesting. The climax of the movie was interesting because it revealed that 2 plots of the story were running in different timeline. Me and Vivy was kinda talking about it during the movie and we were hushed and was told to stop talking by an "ang moh". It was rather embarrassing. In a way, I wonder if we were too loud, because I would hate people who talk in movies as well. Perhaps we were *sigh*

2. Did some unnecessary shopping today. 2 pair of shoes, which now after my second try, they didn't look that amazing. One of it was rather too big. See, my fault, I didn't spend much time in trying them. Ah ... I shouldn't regret.

3. This morning I set my alarm clock at 06:30 am, hoping that I could get up early and squeezed in a morning prayer, but in the end I didn't manage to go to the temple. When my phone alarm rang this morning, I switched on my phone and came all the messages by starfish, which felt rather annoying because my phone wasn't in silent mode and so his messages were pouring in with annoying sound. So that caused me to lie in my bed longer and with the rain (again on a Saturday!), I ended waking up quite late. So all I could manage was getting myself ready fast so that I wouldn't be late.

4. Starfish was writing long messages (which can form a paragraph) to me this morning, telling me his outcome on making a definition with his mawar. I seriously don't think I am good in understanding and giving comments about relationship. Look people, I have noone and people I know who are my age are marrying here and in Jakarta (I wonder if Indonesian tend to marry at an early age, but this Indonesian is so unlucky) and having baby (Ayu told me she's expecting and she counted that I screamed "Oh my God!" 5 times). Anyways, so I really do not know if my comments are helpful. I just hope I didn't do any damage with my comments because I analyse the situation with a very independent, solitary and perhaps selfish view, because I put my well being above all. Given a situation, I tend to see it in a way to make the person (imagining me to be in that situation) be better off. I often told people, come on! find a better person, you deserve better and such when the real truth is I'm a sucker with emotion and I don't apply what I said to myself. I like the wrong guy and I cling to that feeling without even trying to remove it and normally it ends up hurting me so much and makes me sad for quite a long time before I finally can really move on. I guess what I want to say is that, I know that sometime people just want to share their feeling and frustration and I appreciate it so much. I often feel rather touched that people entrust these personal stories to me and I just hope that my insensitive thoughts do not damage the possibility of things progressing in the future in their lives.

6. Anyways, starfish wrote those messages sometime after 6 am as well. When I was getting ready to wake up, he was most probably getting ready to sleep. Found out he actually spent a good time (if we exclude the not-encouraging-definition attempt) watching the night and waiting for sunrise by the Singapore river. I told him, I wish I could do the same. I wish I can get a real guy to do it with, a real nice guy. I have enough of hearing things like if we go to Italy, it will be a 1 way ticket for both of us. It sounds nice but the guy is surely not taking flight with me *sigh* I want a real guy!

7. Failure is looming in front of me, above me that if I think about it, I'll get so stressed up and this really stresses me up more than anything else that I have to handle right now. I try to prepare myself but everytime, I ended up feeling more demoralized. I think I'm gonna get a "troll". I'm still trying though, I should not stop fighting.

8. Was looking down at my book today because I think I spaced out again (this happens often recently) and I saw the small picture from the painting The Birth of Venus at the cover of my book. I was thinking Venus was actually a bit fat, she's not skinny. Well she was not fat actually, she's normal and normal is good! It kinda make me feel better seeing her normal body, which if you go to that wiki link, you'll know her body is actually not normal at all. I guess what I am trying to say, it's good to know that the beautiful her (she's really beautiful in the painting) was painted with a normal body weight. Yes, I am that weird!

Okay, done. It's really hot right now, take care peeps.

:) eKa @ 8:50:00 PM • 0 comments

of Weekend Updates - 20/10/07

Gonna write this in points, simply because the thoughts are scattered and I haven't been doing it for a while.

1. whoaa...the weather feels rather hot now.

2. Starfish came for lunch on Monday and he brought me rendang and lontong. Ah, he's so nice and I was so crazy for finishing it all in 1 sitting. I hope thing goes well with his mawar. Anyway, that kinda reminded me of the fact that there are so many people who are so nice to me and I'm not sure that I have been as nice to my surrounding. I got reminded also to the time this year when I got rice dumplings from yMaggio, Jane (who called the night before and said she was bringing me one) and Ms. Mun. I was so happy and kinda touched. Astley actually also called to ask me if I wanted him to buy me some because he was out. I declined the offer because I got 3 and he said how come I could get 3 and he's not getting any Yeah, people have been nice and I should learn to be nicer as well.

3. Went to watch Superbad with La Gioia and Gascoigne yesterday. At one point I felt rather strange because the group felt small. I suppose it's because of Gascoigne. I mean if it's me, La Gioia, and NanSee, it doesn't feel strange, I suppose because it's a girls outing, that's all. The combination of me, Gascoigne, and La Gioia just felt rather strange, though only for a few seconds. Superbad was crazy! We had lots of laugh. The language was full of vulgarity that it felt like a whole new way of speaking, like a new language, and I felt like I had to keep up with all the cursing to understand what they were talking about. The jokes were crude but nonetheless they were really funny. Some parts of the stories felt like stretching it way too far but this movie is really something that you shouldn't take seriously. It's so called like a teenager's dream of doing something really bad ass Oh sorry, I didn't give you an idea of what the story is about. Superbad told the story of these 2 loser guys (which actually appeared quite ordinary compared to their super geek friend) who wanted to get laid before going to college because of course it's a capital sin to be entering college without "experience". They had some girls in mind. One of the girl invited them to a party and make them in charge of the booze. So these 2 guys with their timid super geek friend (who happened to be the only one with the fake ID) tried to get the booze and the movie basically told the adventure they went through in getting them and whether or not they managed to get laid. The "adventure" parts were the parts of stretching it way too much, but all in the name of humour. Funny, really funny. Interesting movie and quite entertaining I must say. Other than the quest for sex, the movie actually also put a lot of emphasis in the friendship and bond between these 2 guys, which actually was so sweet. Gascoigne said no though, it's so not like that between him and his friends, or so he said So if you don't mind such humour and crude language, you may have lots of laugh like us.

4. After the movie we had dinner. Actually nothing special about it. It's just I realize how I have been spending way too much money this month. The latest spending was a trip home in December, which was actually considered quite cheap, but considering all the amount I have been withdrawing, well I seriously have to really cut down on entertainment.

5. Not just about money, I have to really get my act together fast. Less than a month before something and I just don't want to fail. I seriously don't want to fail and failing is going to be depressing. I don't know if I can survive it. Yes, it may sound like I am being so drama now, but I really don't take failure well and emotional distraught is really something that I cannot take these days.

6. Had morning engagement as usual today. Again, I felt it was unfair because when I had to wake up, God was giving us some rain, so unfair! I arrived and Sabrina said L'ultimo livello, brava! I said Si, ho paura un po. Bitter sweet I suppose. Reaching this far and it's actually ending but I'm not thinking much about it because November is dangling in my head. We have Concetta. It was my first time seeing her and apparently I'm not the only one who thought she looks like Laura. Today, again, I have the realization of how far the journey we have made, from that first day I shared with Carl, to now when everything was nearly said in one language only. I remember when Sabrina started to enforce it on us, we were confounded but there's really a difference now, I think we are not intimidated that much anymore. I thought we did were in a bit of a daze this morning, I guess we all felt it's way too early for our brain to work

7. So we had a discussion on a difficult article before we left. Had a laugh because we really were lost and I kinda stretched my imagination a bit in understanding the whole thing. Some parts I was completely wrong but on other parts I was right. This makes me realize, I do often rely on my senses to analyse thing and make assumption, sometime I am dead on right, other times I can be so strayed and it can be so damaging Anyway, I just want to say that today was quite fun. In the middle of the discussion when I was tossing idea, Prabh said something like ah, don't be an idiot I wasn't offended because there was reason to laugh but I do realize that man I also say that a lot, idiot! stupid! and all. Actually it's not so polite, right? Then I realize when I want to express such remark in another way, I ended up using something like dumb ass!

8. On the topic of senses and assumption, I was making an assumption about something quite personal recently and I was somewhat troubled about it. Then I found out my assumption was completely off. In a way I am relieved but it doesn't erase the fact that something will not work. So I am relieved in one area and it feels really good actually however there are other areas which are worrying but I should stop all this worrying nonsense, right? Just need to march on and take it one step at a time and pray more.

Okay, I think that's about it. I quite miss the Mr. really, but I guess the new role really takes lots of energy. Take care peeps!

:) eKa @ 9:00:00 PM • 0 comments

Day Off

So today because of the Lebaran holiday, I have that rare Saturday day off. I know many people would think that a holiday that fall on a Saturday is a waste, yeah me too but I'm kinda glad that I have this day off. I got the chance to wake up late, sleeping without setting my alarm clock. It's such a bliss and I can't believe I'm already feeling sleepy again though I actually woke up less than 2 hours ago. I should sleep again soon.

I've decided that this weekend is going to be a total relaxing and lazying one. I'm gonna lie down much, off the computer, and watch tv more intently. So strange, I thought I was gonna go crazy and do much stuff today since I have this rare day off, but since I'm mostly out on Saturdays then staying in and enjoying my bed seems to be the logical need. Then there's Friday night in which I normally avoid to stay up late. Yesterday I did went out though didn't stay out until that late. Went for dinner and Mr. Woodcock with La Gioia, NanSee, and yMaggio. I wasn't really keen on Mr. Woodcock, I think Sicko was worth watching more. I tried to book Sicko but my Internet connection failed on me and it was really divine intervention because we wouldn't be able to make it on time. Me and La Gioia had an unforeseen misfortune. Seriously, I don't make it up when I say that I have lots of irritating thing to deal and endure with. I had already endured Thursday and then I had to deal with Friday as well *sigh* I have to say though that I was in a better mood on Friday, I think because I felt glad that today is a holiday, a fact that many of you may have taken for granted, just another weekend for you. I have to mention this, that as I was sitting there on Friday, I saw starfish's nickname, something like ...what's that? the smell of rendang?. Aaah, I was so jealous. I was thinking he might be counting the minutes, less than an hour to break fast, and there I was wondering how long more I had to sit down. We got to go off earlier, which I suppose was nice, since people like tall coconut may have to endure another hour or so. Anyways, so me and the girls had movie, then dinner was at Marche because let's face it, I need good food. I ate a whole lot (as expected), somehow these days I make it a mission of mine to try to eat as much as I can despite of me being full. So they were mushroom soup, the main dish, and a slice of fruit cake (which was quite big). I eat for comfort? This spells doom. So please shout at me people if you see me getting wider. Ha! As if I would listen

So today is Lebaran. Mom is having a 2-day off. I wonder with me and my bro not around, if she is making ketupat because I miss it so. I miss my mom's ketupat. Actually I kinda appreciate the fasting month for its glorious food. I love kolak so much for example. I'm not gonna even bother to explain it to non-Indonesian. My mom loves to make it during the fasting month when we were younger, but at this age (mine and hers and my dad's) too much fattening coconut oil is going to kill us. Then of course, I love the ketupat, I love sampling the different specialty dish from our neighbours which would have come to our home yesterday. I would really really love to spend lebaran at home, though I am not a Muslim. However, it's so unlikely that I go home just for lebaran *sigh* Anyways, so yeah I miss home a lot.

Last Wednesday was spent at my room (when I made that emotional post before this) because I felt so lightheaded that I was pretty worried that I'm gonna have a blackout (which had happened before). Oh, the price that my body has to pay for coming back to normality. Moral of the story is try to be less stressed, Eka!. But somehow I just think that it's beyond my control, because as much as I can control it mentally, my body just takes its own course. Talking about taking control mentally, I kinda failed on Wednesday. I tried to sleep at night and I just couldn't really so, I just felt so miserable and resistant about waking up the next day that I ended up crying. I hadn't been crying about my life issue for the longest time and at that time I did. So I shouted to God and while I was at it, somewhat calling out to Astley as well. Yes, I am mental. I thought since he was in a different plane of existence, he may be able to help me out (what the hell am I talking about?). It just felt so difficult at that time and I was so sad, so tired, so done with everything, and so unable to fathom how I was to continue on. Then as usual, the morning after I woke up, went to the shower, dressed myself, and tried somewhat to keep the emotional distraught invisible. A walking wall basically, throw your best punch at me, so far I think I may have shown signs of cracking but not collapsing yet, at least not in front of the public. Okay enough about all these nonsense.

So Wednesday I got the chance to watch Martha Stewart and I love the song they used to open the show, which was Am I the Same Girl and the version that I located is from Swing Out Sisters. I really love it and the lyric was interesting too.

Why don't you stop and look me over
Am I the same girl you used to know?

Why don't you stop and think it over
Am I the same girl who knew your soul?

I'm the one you want and I'm the one you need
I'm the one you love
I'm the one you used to meet

Around the corner ... everyday
We would meet
and slip away
But we we're much too young
To love each other this way

Am I the same girl? (yes I am, yes I am)
Am I the same girl? (yes I am, yes I am)

Why don't you stop and look me over
Am I the same girl you used to know?
Why don't you stop and think it over
Am I the same girl who knew your soul?

I'm the one you hurt and I'm the one you need
I'm the one who cried
I'm the one you used to meet
But you are pretending you don't care
But the fire is still there
Now we are no longer too young
To love each other this way

Have you ever felt the need for something more
With every week comes scratching at your door
Have you ever stopped and wonder what it is you're searching for
Push your luck too far with me
But if you push it any further
You won't have any

:) eKa @ 11:42:00 AM • 0 comments

in pain?

because I don't take the painkiller
... because I rejected it

and so this is too
me biting my tongue
though I want to scream out to you
though I want to hear you

I don't call out to you
or anyone else for that matter
because if you care
you would be asking me how I am
you would be here
if you care

this is me
as usual
and my pain
as usual
I believe I have to endure this

on my own
as usual

:) eKa @ 9:48:00 PM • 0 comments

The Yardstick

First heard the term yardstick during Saturday engagement from Carl (who's back) who said I'm her yardstick. I didn't know what the meaning of it and now I kinda understand a bit what it means. Strange thing this world is, because it seemed that I had been used as a yardstick for other people as well. It didn't feel good though, however I should just take it in my stride because I think (I think) I have done decently well and cover all my bases. Life is still tough though. Been answering questions a lot these days and solving stuff and it's tiring and annoying. I just felt that so much is being asked from me and that makes me not having enough time for myself. It seemed that I could never get away from the demand of being responsible. When I was young it's because I'm the older sister, now it's simply because as adult, you are expected to be the responsible one, to know better. I'm tired of it all and I'm so tired of hearing people complaining about stuff when they don't even have as much thing to deal with compared to me, but again they are young? Ah, enough about that.

Ms. Mun left us *sigh* somehow I was not too sad about it. I was kinda quite acceptant and okay about it, maybe I am getting more mature? But perhaps because we are not as close as me and starfish for example. She's way too talented anyway so she really deserves better things. Friday we had dinner for her farewell and to celebrate something (which I didn't help much) which ended that Friday with the award show. The PET led by il Gatto did the ultimate tease on me, that if I have to think and remember it, I can just go and hide myself in a closed space because it's so embarrassing. Still haven't had the chance to return il Gatto "the favor", but hopefully it can be done before this week ends.

Yesterday, I finally submitted the form which required my utmost dedication and commitment, which is yet to come from me. I am still lazing around and I'm kinda scared I will screw it up and that would be so heartbreaking because it cost me $280 and because of that I have to give it a miss for the Linkin Park's concert in November. It's really really sad and heartbreaking that I couldn't go for the concert, but after spending $640 yesterday, I really have to be a bit wise in spending my money. So I have no choice but spending it on the really important stuffs.

However, see I couldn't really control myself. Had lunch in the Globetrotters yesterday with La Gioia. I've just been wanting to try it since I pass it so often and La Gioia had also heard about it, so off we went. It seemed the manager was the one who served us and he was so friendly. Food was not bad, there's many more dish to try. Dinner was not a so cheap affair either. Met up with Vivy for dinner and movie. Despite of me not being so hungry, I still managed to gobble down some fattening Padang food. I just love Indonesian food I suppose.

Watched The Nanny Diaries with Vivy. It was a bit more drama than I expected. I thought it would be more comical, but it wasn't really so. I also felt that it was rather long. It didn't really give much impression on me, a bit boring at times but I suppose because the drama quite strong. The little boy was rather cute though, cute because he could really portray the sadness that he felt. Chris Evans was of course handsome. Hmm...I kinda think handsome guys are so out of my league. Oh well ... Anyways, yes that's pretty much all about the movie that I can say.

The body is finally showing signs on normality. Thank God. I'm still tired though, I want to go home. I'm tired of being a yardstick. I hope it's all worth it.

Oh yeah, I kinda miss the Mr. Left him messages and he didn't reply. Mr, if you are reading this, can you just tell me you are breathing, that everyone is still breathing?

:) eKa @ 7:16:00 PM • 0 comments

questo Martedi 02/10/07

Not feeling so well today. Well I don't know, in a way I am okay but I felt so woozy since the time I woke up, but then I could stand up so it seemed that I was fine. There were lots of moment today when I felt that I couldn't take it and I should just go to the doctor and check what's wrong with me, but 5 minutes turned into 10 and I didn't faint and so I went on. I also survived my 2 hours today. In a way, I am thankful to God who help me surmount today. Sometime you thought you just couldn't take something anymore and yet you stay another minute and before you know it that minute turns into hours and perhaps days and then one day you realize that you finally did overcome those things which you think you couldn't take anymore. For me those moments always come with contentment and satisfaction and pride for myself.

Anyways, managed to watch Chuck and Larry today. I know I am so freaking naughty. I should just go home and rest but I just couldn't resist Tuesday movie alone. Was rather tempted to ask Vivy to help me locate the movie, since she is now back in NUS. Yes, she is back people. Had dinner with her yesterday in the new Arts canteen. It was my first time being there during dinner time. We ate at the Burger King area and I realized that the view from the window was kinda romantic. Surprising, who knows the NUS lights can be that adorable. But perhaps that's because we sat rather far, so I didn't see quite clearly. Maybe the actual view from the window seats was not that amazing.

Okay back to Chuck and Larry. Surprisingly it was really entertaining. I had lots of laugh. It was really gay, so gay! But it was rather sweet in a way. Adam Sandler's character was a bit of jerk and he kinda balanced Kevin James' character which if you saw it on its own, was rather too nice. Gosh, I have no energy to write much. I would recommend this to all of you for some light entertainment. It was funny. I felt the message of accepting gay relationship was delivered quite nicely and touching as well.

Gonna leave you with this picture. I just feel like posting the pictures you see now. The sunset was taken on August 18, 2007. I didn't realize it came out quite dark. I always look forward looking at sunset at this particular place. Everyday I try to look for it. On some days it was awesome. On that day when I took the picture, it was calming, bitter, sad ... because ... ah, oh well. I kinda wonder about Astley these few days. I actually put his name there, when I normally use nickname. I hope he's okay. Take care peeps!

:) eKa @ 9:02:00 PM • 0 comments