For We Walk By Faith, Not By Sight - 2 Corinthians 5:7

The title of the post is the bible verse that I got yesterday. Kinda made me wanna cry. In fact, I was thinking, God, You too? You want to make cry as well? I had quite a horrendous week. Well the beginning was promising but going into the middle and towards the end, I was badly broken. My whole system is broken and shaken and the only words I can use to describe how I am right now is in Indonesian, and it's patah semangat. Another words that can explain me is, Eka lemas banget and as such I didn't go to Donikon's wedding today. It's hard to put that strong-eveything-is-okay front. The shittiest thing is that that's exactly the look that I need to be wearing right now *sigh*

The bible verse brings a point of discussion. I have heard this many time that if you do not know where you are going, then how are you going to walk? You have to set your sight on something then you'll have a direction on where you should walk. But the bible verse asks faith to be our guide instead of sight. On my contemplation of the things that happened this week, I was thinking how screwed I am if there is no God afterall. God is the reason for my courage, my patience, and many other things in my life. I take and accept certain things because I believe that God has a reason, that whatever it is that I have to deal with is just a component of something bigger and wonderful. This week is really testing my belief on that. Is there a point to any of this? I have experienced many shits and in the end, they all more or less make sense. This time around, I cannot wrap my head around this. To make matter sadder for me is my mother's opinion on the whole thing. My mother takes a stand for my happiness and justice and it is sad because to go against what she wishes is hard. My mom is a real hardworker by the way, so for her to form that opinion of hers, she has weight it against her life experience, not just as a mother who wants her kids to be happy. By the way, I don't think my parents are ever the types who put happiness first. They believe in hardship and not giving up in life. So for her to come to her opinion is a big deal. Darn, even as I am writing this, I can feel how broken my heart is. It's kinda hard to breathe. When I first read that bible verse, I felt that God was telling me to have faith, to believe that everything will make sense, that what I see right now is not what it seems to be. Now as I am writing this, I feel that what God is saying can also be for the other route. The curse of the pisces, I feel. I'm normally capable of seeing 2 sides of a situation equally well. One would think that it would make you more informed and better in your decision making but most of the time it brings me dilemma.

So bottomline, Eka is very broken. Again, I wish I can freeze this 9 pm something so that I don't have to deal with the coming week. I am thankful though to everyone who listened and as much as perhaps they couldn't say the right thing to lift me up, I know it's not easy to hear me out. I am so touched by how some of them really showed much love. Oshie and NanSee were really nice by trying to keep up with the breaking news. Then there was Rista, who of course is always capable of giving words of comfort *sigh* I think I should say something brighter. I would just like to say how I enjoy spending every Saturday morning with a group of people who have weird and funny dynamic and are always able to make me laugh. I don't enjoy the waking up early in the morning, but they are quite a solace for me after a difficult week. They will never fail to make me laugh and we do laugh a lot. For that I am thankful to God.

:) eKa @ 9:23:00 PM • 0 comments

of Faces and Names

So I went to the Indonesian embassy yesterday evening for Ata's wedding. I have been in the embassy before, not a lot, maybe around 5 times in my whole 9 years plus here. As such, I didn't realize how big the compound is. It's actually pretty big. They have a musholla there and some other things which I didn't realize exist and apparently the ambassador lives in the compound as well. The buildings were kinda old and somehow it does feel like Indonesia there, which is comforting. They are not high rise buildings, more like a 2-storey house kinda thing. It reminded me of old hospitals in Jakarta which do not have high buildings, instead the buildings are more like 1-2 storey long houses with small gardens all around.

By the way, so many things are distracting me in writting this post right now. My thoughts are running all over the place. Anyway, so in Ata's wedding, I met many of my NUS friends. People whom I haven't seen for many years, maybe 5 years plus. It gets pretty weird recognizing their names. Their faces may not change but somehow their names slipped and in a split second, you gotta be quick and remember their names before shaking hands and saying "hi" :P I am sure many of them forget my name too :P Well many of my NUS friends have really moved on with lives, you know being married and kids and such but many of them have moved on in other ways too. Like changing citizenship and purchasing a house here, having their sister or brother coming over. They are all seem so successful. Kinda weird to see that many have moved out from Singapore and yet there are many too who are putting roots here. Everyone seems happy but you never know how people are deep down inside, right?

Seeing them, I feel that the guys mantain a better bond than the girls. It seems that the guys though they perhaps were not so close back in school (or it seemed not so close), are still there for each other. Maybe guys are like that, since they are not so emotional like girls, their friendships have less drama but more stable. They don't require the hanging out often, but would be there when the time comes. The girls on the other hand may have been quite close with other girls back in school but don't really maintain that relationship. I suppose if a girl don't talk often with each other, one can be sure that that relationship dissipates and they may not be playing any role in the big events. The girls though maintain 1 or 2 close friends who are like their constants. I don't know if I am making any sense :P

Thoughts are really running all over my head that some things that I thought I was going to write are not there anymore. Take care peeps, hope you have a great week ahead :D

:) eKa @ 7:33:00 PM • 0 comments

The Blind Side

Went to watch The Blind Side with Vivy yesterday. She, being a Sandra Bullock fan, is very susceptible in watching any movie by her. I have no idea why the only adjective I can think of to use in that sentence is "susceptible". As for me, I just like a good movie and the trailer seemed promising. It turns out to be a really good movie indeed. I like it very much. There was a time when I found that the movie was running pretty long but I actually welcomed it very much because the movie didn't just stop at the happy ending one would assume. Instead it covered more parts of the journey of Michael Oher and the Tuohy family, the "after happy ending" part. I thought all the casts were great. The ones who stole the limelight were of course Sandra Bullock and the little boy who played SJ Tuohy. That boy was just such fun to watch. He's so adorable with his freckles and imperfect teeth. He really defined that personality would always win than look. Kinda weird to see that the real SJ Tuohy is not that adorable :P Sandra Bullock of course just won a golden globe for her performance in this movie. She was really awesome in her role as Leigh Anne Tuohy. I don't think we have ever seen Sandra Bullock that way before. As for the boy who played Michael Oher, well he's not bad himself. One would really sympathize to his predicament and rooting for him to really get something good. I was reading about the movie, it seemed though that the real Michael Oher is not as passive as the one in the movie. So perhaps as with many things in this movie, there's a lot of dramatization going on :P Overall, I really like the movie. So go and watch it peeps, it's really good even though maybe straight guys wouldn't share my opinion :P

I have been feeling cold these days. I don't know why. Even now, as much as the room is a bit warm, my hands are rather cold :( Am I going to get sick? I am really really tired. I haven't been sleeping well since Sunday. I don't even know if I really slept at night. I'm pretty emotional as well. I felt like crying when I was waiting for my bus this evening. Then I remembered about the CNN articles I read this morning, about the Haitians who are suffering and so to be crying and screaming to God to lift my burden seemed rather inappropriate :( I was contemplating in what language I should write this next paragraph in. Didn't want to do it in English because I just don't want some people to understand it. Then I am too tired to write in Italian so I will write it in Indonesian. I think I wouldn't be able to write all of it in Indonesian though, there will be some english in it. I really need to go home and speak Indonesian fully.

Jadi ada apa Eka? Nggak mau nulis pake bahasa inggris soalnya kalo orang ngerti dan baca pasti mereka bilang kalo gua ngeluh terus dan nggak pernah bergerak untuk keluar dari penderitaan gua. BT nya sama orang-orang kae gini adalah, namanya orang curhat itu yah untuk mencurahkan kegundahan hati, bukan untuk dibilangin elu salah, elu mustinya gini dan gitu. Namanya juga curhat. Tapi orang-orang yang gua harapin untuk bisa dengerin gua selalu nggak bisa dengar gua curhat tanpa mengkritik gua. Tolong lah, ketika orang-orang itu curhat tentang cewek yang dikejar tapi nolak, tentang kakak mereka yang nge-BT-in, tentang mantan pacar yang nggak bener, gua dengan sabarnya dengerin. Yang gua pengen dengar adalah tenang Ka, semuanya bakal baik-baik aja kok, Tuhan pasti jagain elu. Nggak usah terlalu khawatir. Elu pasti bisa melalui ini. Tapi yang ada orang-orang yang bikin BT itu pasti bilangnya, elu nggak mau nolongin diri elu sendiri, gimana Tuhan mau nolongin elu? Mungkin lah mereka benar, tapi saat ini gua cuma pengen dengar kalo semuanya bakal baik-baik aja. Makanya malas gua akhirnya curhat sama orang-orang itu semua. Kalo ini gua ceritain ke anak-anak indo, banyak juga yang bilang, kaenya orang Singapur kae gitu deh, nggak sebaik anak Indo. Iya ya? Gua udah cape sama Singapur. Tapi untuk balik ke Indo, buat gua berasa seperti kebebasan terampas :( Aduh Eka kenapa sih elu nggak bahagia banget? Udah nulis 1 paragraf, tapi belum sampe ke inti kesedihan dan kekecewaan gua :( Mungkin nggak semua harus elu beritakan ke dunia, mungkin banyak hal emang harus elu simpan dan hadapi sendiri. Ingat Tuhan lah, meski nggak ada siapa-siapa di sekitar kita, selalu ada Tuhan. Kuatkan iman Ka, yang sabar yah! Jadi menghibur diri sendiri nih :( sedih banget ya?

:) eKa @ 8:37:00 PM • 0 comments

New York, I Love You

Watched New York, I Love You with Vivy today. This movie didn't get much publicity that it was by chance that I found out that it was out. I can't help comparing this one to Paris, Je T'Aime, the movie in which New York, I Love You was modelled after. Well there are many differences between the 2 movies, obviously the location and the language, but one other main difference is Paris, Je T'Aime was very segmented while in New York, I Love You, the characters still kinda can been seen walking in and out of scenes of segments not related to them. So this thing about New York, I Love You make it more similar to movies like Crash, Love Actually, and Babel. Storywise, I felt that Paris, Je T'Aime had more creativity and depth in their stories. Some of the stories in it were so different and kinda in a different plane of existence from each other, for example the segment about the vampire and the little boy talking about his clown parents. New York, I Love You on the other hand had stories which were kinda more similar, more low key, maybe if I can say, a more typical American movie? Some of the parts were not really making sense for me on why they were there, like the very short part about the boy buying his girlfriend tickets to Rome unexpectedly. Then the story with Shia LaBeouf in it, well I don't really get it. I heard there were parts being cut off, I wonder if it makes any difference but it sure is interesting to watch the cut off parts. The movie is still sweet though. My favourite part was about the old couple. It was funny, I had a good laugh. My next favourite was perhaps the part with Orlando Bloom and Christina Ricci in it. That's kinda sweet! I think I'm just a sucker for good conversation. I like movies where the characters are just kinda into talking to each other, like Ethan Hawke's Before Sunset and Before Sunrise. Hmmm ... I miss that time, that time when it seemed I was talking to him all the time *sigh* Anyways, do watch it if you want to but after you watch it, I do hope you get around to watch Paris, Je T'Aime as well :) I myself haven't watched the full version of it but I remember there were segments that I really like, like the last one :)

When I told Yeni that I was watching this today she said she didn't see me as someone who watches this kinda thing :D I have no idea where she gets these kinda ideas from. Have I already showed much of my skepticism about love? :P But I supposed many people do get suprised with what I do or how I react or how I feel. I have no idea if it's me being fake on my first interaction with them or I am that murky. Anyways, today kinda started with the question, "Did you all have a good week?". I didn't really answer that because I don't think I have an exceptionally good week. I even woke up earlier than I wanted today because my nose was blocked and a slight of flu attacked me. I was thinking how I don't really enjoy question like that and the simple, "How are you?". I guess if you don't have anything wonderful to say, those questions just come as a hassle because you have to access why things are not great *sigh* Yeni told me something quite encouraging today so it was nice of her. But I'm just feeling so much darkness and fear that it's kinda hard to breathe sometime. I wish I can freeze this time right now, this 8 pm something on a Saturday night. I wish the time will just stop until I am ready :( I hope you guys are well and are having less worrying times than me. Take care peeps!

:) eKa @ 8:18:00 PM • 0 comments

2010 First Week

My horoscope prediction for today reads, You get some shocking news that leaves you reeling -- but you can tell that the net effect is positive. Life always re-balances, and your great emotional energy helps you see the upside with ease. Upon reading it, I felt that isn't this "warning" a bit late?

One evening when I was in the bus, I was thinking that faith in God doesn't mean you believe that God will not let you fall or fail. Faith in God is knowing that no matter if you end up falling or failing, you will be alright, everything will be alright. I was thinking that even with that knowledge, I am still not okay with the falling / failing part. Failing is not really what I am accustomed to *sigh* Sometime I feel that God wants me to really learn that *sigh* I have great failures in life which I have not truly rebounded from :(

Anyways, how is your first week of 2010? Mine is okay, I think. I am feeling nervous a lot and have lots of fear but I have to take it day by day, hour by hour. The nice il Gatto told me that I am always panicking with stuff but in the end I always pull through. He said he believes in me. It's very very nice of him. I hope I am strong enough mentally to face however this is gonna unfold. I kinda need to be strong intellectually also, so dear God, please.

My Saturday's sessions also resume this week. I was so not looking forward waking up early on a Saturday :( We get Mr.P again. I couldn't believe that Yeni and Mau were earlier than me today. My brain was so empty and things were not really flowing well inside there but I did manage to cook up a line about a fish being dead. I feel I need to do more creative things like this. Mr.P told us a story about his solitaire christmas some years ago, which he spent in a desert. I was thinking that it was pretty depressing and as much as I am a loner, I don't think I would be able to do what he did. He said that it's not pathetic because he doesn't do it every year and the weird hard experiences are what make things memorable. On my way home today, a thought suddenly came* that maybe when I reach his age and still pretty much alone, maybe I will end up doing similar things.

*My brain is that random, thoughts come in and out as they wish.

Today, I had lunch with Nansee. It's kinda nice to get asked and not having to be the one who have to do the asking and planning. After lunch we went to watch Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant. The movie is not so bad but not exceptionally good. It's pretty much a teenager kinda movie. It is based on a book and I can imagine that the book itself is not so deep. The freaks were kinda intriguing. The main character is pretty cute. However being 10 years younger than me, I do feel it's inapporiate of me to be crushing on a young boy. By the way, I had thought about it, if I have a choice for the opportunity to live forever like being a vampire, I wouldn't take it. I cannot imagine living forever, 1 life can already make you feel depressed, imagine not having it stop. This idea makes me feel like the concept of heaven in which people live happily ever after infinitely to be quite boring. You see how random and screwed up my brain is :P Take care guys!

:) eKa @ 6:23:00 PM • 0 comments