The Day Of The Wedding

I'm writing this as the wedding of Prince William's and Kate Middleton is going on. Some random thoughts. Kate looks so skinny!!! I love the queen's dress, it's so sunshiny! I love how Prince William was smiling when Kate was reciting her wedding promises. Love the trees in the church. The ceremony of them being married was pretty short actually; to think all the fanfare surrounding it has started hours ago. I have to say they look pretty compatible together. Good for them I suppose. Another person my age getting married. Well ... if I have my turn, the guy must be one hell of a guy :) If I don't, maybe I'll understand why.

Anyways, so today is the day I'm starting out on my journey to cross out some things in my life / bucket list. I'm actually feeling pretty nervous about it. My luggage is full and I don't know if I have missed out anything. I've taken notes on all the things that I can think of and yet my mind still race now and then on other parts which perhaps I haven't covered. I have some fear in me. I really don't know why. The last time I made a journey this far, I was kinda in a come-what-may and surrender-in-God mode and yet right now even though I'm not on this trip alone, I'm feeling pretty nervous about the unknown. Perhaps because I have done it one time, I know what could go wrong, what will get extremely confusing, and when I think about all that, I just get a bit of a panic attack. It's the control freak in me who doesn't like the unknown (but you cannot control the variables, honey). I really should just let go and embrace each unknown thing that will come my way and have faith in God, my shepherd. Anyway, I have prayed today and I know I'll be praying a lot throughout this journey, mostly I guess for the blessing for being able to do this :P I guess at this point there's really just God and me in this journey.

Paris seems to be really cold right now, that's worrying. I hope the temperature will be nicer when I arrive there. Because of the wedding, I didn't take a nap today. I kinda regret that. I should have slept! I really hope I can get some decent sleep tonight, especially since I'm really gonna hit the ground running and start crossing things of my list when I arrive. I never really pray for a safe flight, perhaps I should. I remember reciting the Lord's prayer a few times on my flight back from Italy to Singapore because the turbulence was pretty scary for me :P

Okay, I'm gonna call mom before I go. There's a few people whom I want to thank. The first person I want to thank is perhaps Copper who have really taken the time to answer my questions in great details. There's also Carl, who's ever so supportive about people taking a journey and exploring new things. There are also others who have listened to me and took time to answer my questions. I contemplated if I should write their names here, but I guess one name will raise questions, so I will refrain from putting any name :P So that's it peeps, last post before I go. If there's a bit of a disappointment is that I will miss the Singapore General Election. It's looking rather interesting this year and the fact that I personally know one of the candidates makes it more interesting for me to follow. Take care everyone. I'll try to blog if I can. Ciao!

:) eKa @ 5:09:00 PM • 0 comments

One Hundred Years of Solitude

Hello peeps, how have your easter weekend been going? My mind goes to my primary and junior high school days. We always had celebration for easter and it's really fun. Do you once awhile miss your childhood days? It would be fun to be decorating some eggs now.

Moving on. The title of the post is from a book which I recently finished, One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez. I got it as a christmas present for myself. Well some people may think it took a long time for me to finish it but I think it's pretty fast for me :P The book got me thinking and doing stuff which I'm not gonna elaborate here. It's a pretty interesting book, especially the ending because I totally didn't see it coming. I guess I was expecting some enlightening ending like in Paulo Coelho's books but the ending of this book wasn't like that. There's like a twist in the ending and I thought it was really good and sad at the same time. The story is about the different generations in a family, from when they began to when they ended. It's pretty sad because I think each of the characters had a very sad and tragic ending in their lives. The family just seemed to be experiencing one bad thing after another. One character that struck me the most was the main matriarch, Úrsula. She's so awesome. She's such a strong woman both in characters and mind and she's simply stronger than any of the male characters though they get more focus in the story. I'm glad that Úrsula lasted longer in the book. I admire her a lot, her strength when she chased after her son who ran away, when she confronted his son who abused his power, when she tried to keep her family together in such turmoil, and her comfort and openness in instilling good values to her children, grandchildren, and great great grandchildren. It's an interesting book and at times I can relate to the characters who felt restless in their lives. Somehow I feel that no matter how old I'll be, whichever stage my life is, I'll always have that feeling of restlessness. Some of the characters in the book buried themselves in some kind of work but I don't think it eased their racing mind and it just felt sad :( On other part, the story ended with the fact that the whole story of the family had been written before it even began. All the family members had in one point or another tried to decipher the notes but they couldn't to. It was revealed at the end when the last surviving member of the family was dying. I wonder if such things are not meant to be known. I mean if you have known how your whole entire life story is, you would perhaps have tried to change its course, no? It got me thinking on my way home today. But still I would like to know about one part of my life, I'm just wondering if I'll be okay :( Hmmm ... I've just been in a rather downhearted mood these days, since last week actually :(

Anyways, today started with the last class in this level. We had a test. Mr. M was super nice, I'm not really sure why he's that nice actually. I wonder if all the whining really got to him or he just wanted us to do amazingly well, which we all did. Everyone is like scoring 90 and above. First he allowed us to do the writing part at home. With the help of a dictionary and my notes, I actually made so few mistakes that I was totally in awe. I managed to go through many lines without any mistake, so that's amazing for me. Then he, as many of the teachers I have had, left the class for some time, so that allowed people to "discuss", but the worst possible thing (I think) was that people eventually just openly discussed the questions and answers when he was actually sitting in the room. I don't really know how to comment on this. I felt bad but perhaps it really didn't matter to him. Oh well. We'll be having Mr. C after this. I'm not sure how he's like. Hope he's cool. We have reached advanced actually and it's unbelievable. I remembered the day when we were getting the book we're using currently and I wondered if I was actually gonna get through it. I actually did. Time really flies? I'm not sure if our french knowledge warrant us a place in advanced class. I think we're not that good. I don't think I'm that amazing. I still don't understand most of my teachers when they speak and listening comprehension is almost always devastating for me. I'm trying to recall how it was like when I was studying Italian. I think though perhaps I couldn't understand a movie or a listening exercise, I could always kinda understand my teachers. I hope I get better but sometime all the memorization are too demanding for the lazy me. It's hard to push my brain to store all these information :(

Anyway it's a one-week break for my classmates. Except for LM, everyone seemed to be on board and I'm happy about it. I'm sad though that LM will not be in the class anymore, because she's kinda been my constant, but she does have her bundle of joy to welcome. I'm so happy for her considering all she's been through. One-week break, but it's a longer break for me. I wonder if I should elaborate it here, but perhaps I should. For my 29th birthday present this year, I'm getting myself a chance to cross the number one thing on my life list currently, which is to go to Barcelona and see La Sagrada Família. So that's the plan :) I'm leaving next Friday and this time it's not a solo trip. Mau asked if she could join me and I said yes. It makes sense economically and it allows me to cover more area. So this time around, I'll be going to France (staying in Paris, Avignon, and Marseille), Spain (staying in Barcelona), and Italy (staying in Milan and Rome), and I'll have a 7-hour plus transit time in Amsterdam which I hope gives me enough time to go to the Keukenhof garden. I really look forward to be back in Italy again, mi manca tantissima!!! We'll hoping to visit other cities and areas along the way. All are already planned and I really hope all will work out well. I'm looking forward for it but as usual I have other things to deal it. So until next Friday, I'm just gonna keep it cool and focus on the tasks that I have to deal with. Though Mau will be with me on this, there'll be time when we'll be on our own different paths. It kinda made me nervous but I'm also looking forward to it. Somehow when you have other people to think of, you perhaps get too comfortable and rely on the fact that someone else would be there for you but the truth is and this is what's really important for me, I should always be able to do things on my own. That comfortable feeling made me rather nervous and worried about doing things alone, but I have to fight through it. I know I would have loved the experience of exploring alone. Anyway, there's a crazy person starting fire at La Sagrada Família a few days ago :( I really hope they will not close the church because that would mean I don't get to go inside it!!! That would be heartbreaking. Though the list did say, just go to Barcelona and see La Sagrada Família, I would really really really want to enter it and see its inside, so please please God, please!

So can we talk about my feeling now, please? I've been feeling rather heartbroken. It's really stupid actually. I've seen it happening on other people and I have listened to people pouring their heart out on the same thing and now it's happening to me. It's stupid!!! I can remember the day it all started and I remember thinking that I'd be fine because there's no way I was gonna fall for this guy and in the end I did and it's so unfair!!! I remember Astley once told me that I had this huge wall that made it hard for people to enter and yet this guy managed to tear it down easily. As usual with my luck, nothing is gonna happen and I can't help wanting to scream, WHY??!?!? WHY GOD? I just hate this heartbroken feeling that I have right now, this feeling when your heart is in pieces :'( Still, I couldn't help feeling that God's timing IS perfect. In my last Italian trip, I got to get away when my closest allies were leaving. This time, I have this Europe trip to get me out of the mess I've made. I don't know how I'll be when I come back. I'm thinking I'll be more depressed but we should just be hopeful, right? I mean what else can we do but be hopeful. Be hopeful that something perfect and amazing will come our way and even if they don't, we're still gonna be alright. I'm way too heartbroken right now to be able to say that with any conviction. So I'm just gonna stop now. I hope you guys are having better days. If not, just take comfort that another long weekend is coming next week. Take care 'aight!

:) eKa @ 10:35:00 PM • 0 comments

Limitless

My head is kinda throbbing right now. I had another long Saturday. Hmmm ... if only I could have one of those pills from the movie, Limitless, which I watched today. Perhaps I would have had some clarity right now and this post will be extremely interesting. Let's start with the movie, Limitless, which I watched because of Bradley Cooper. Hmm ... it's weird, perhaps I'm kinda over him but I didn't find him to be extremely gorgeous here, except for when he appeared in the ending. He looked good clean cut. The one thing that captured me about him in this movie is how blue his eyes are. They are so blue and so captivating. NanSee thought he used contact lenses :P Anyway, Limitless wasn't as amazing as I thought it would be. I particularly didn't like the ending but I supposed it's a logical ending for it. I mean if a drug could make you be so smart, then you should really use that intelligence to figure out what's inside the drug and make it better and safer. Still, a life which was kinda based on cheating and without any major consequences doesn't really gel well with me. So basically I'm not raving about this movie :P

As usual my day today started with class. Nothing much can be said about it though the morning started so unexpectedly. De was the only one there when I came and he was actually late, which meant I was also late too if you're wondering. Yeah, I've been coming pretty late these past few weeks. Anyway, I'm just so relieved to see De there because being left alone with the teacher is nerve wrecking for me. De said, "But Mr. M is not bad". Well it's not him, it's just any teacher will make me nervous if I'm left alone with them. Simply because I don't speak french. So since there were only the 2 of us in the morning with Mr. M, I think we got to know his personal side more. After class was ramen lunch in Ippudo with some of the classmates and Yeni. Oshie loves this place so much that other ramen places fell short in his grading :P Well, I did love my ramen there but I'm pretty easy, I guess. I just don't like Ajisen Ramen :P

So anyway there were things said during the lunch that made me think some things about me. I was pretty relieved to be meeting NanSee afterwards. By the way I've been meeting her for some Saturdays in a row now, that I told her I feel like I'm dating her. Errr ... that is so wrong!!! Anyways, I just needed her opinion regarding some of the things said about me during lunch. She kinda knows me for some years now and she's still around in my life, hence I think I do have to be thankful that someone can accept me for who I am and also at the same time it shows as a proof that I'm not totally bad, that some people do find me nice, interesting, and worthy enough to be kept in their lives. Well maybe they are just amazingly nice people. The thankful part really made me feel thankful for the friends in my lives. My first thought goes to the people in Singapore who knows me well, like NanSee and la Gioia, who really get me and know what I will like or dislike and accept me for everything that I am and don't get surprised anymore with how I think, feel, or behave. I remember one time la Gioia told me that she knew that there would often be times when I need my space and she also knew how distinct I am in my opinion of things and I am very clear in what I want or don't want. These are the same knowledge of me that my good friends like Dewi and also perhaps Marlisa and Emilia understand about me.

So they get me. Even if they don't, I think they are not so surprised with what I can say or do. I don't really know how to describe how I feel or bring across my point here. Let me try. This week someone told me that she thought I was the happy-go-lucky kind, echoing the same thing that people told me as I mentioned in the previous post. This person didn't expect that I could be so emo*. Well I just basically told her that I need my space a LOT and I would rather be alone rather than be with boring people. Like seriously, my God, boring people are just ... I just feel I'm wasting my time if I have to hang out with them. Time that I can use to do other things that perhaps can calm me down or make me happy. I'm gonna be fair here and say they are not perhaps boring but they're just not interesting for me. They're perhaps a lot of fun for other people, but for me they just don't have anything interesting that can capture my attention and make me want to get to know them more, and worse still as I found out today, if they don't get my sense of humour. Well fine, some things that I thought are normal or funny or a-kind-of-a-joke things perhaps can be interpreted as being totally uncalled for, rude, too straightforward or direct, out of place, or plain wrong but guess what, there are crazy people out there who are as crazy as me or get my craziness and I have so much more fun with these kinda people. So as I was contemplating if the comments should make me reflect on myself and my characters, I ended up just wanting to say fuck it! So you think I'm crazy and improper for saying the things that I say, well fine, I don't hold that against you. I guess we're just not in the same frequency and that's fine, let me hang out with people who are more in my wavelength :) But I think if you can accept this about me, you will realize that I can be kinda fun or funny and my honesty can be something beneficial for you. I do actually hold my tongue, though perhaps many people will not believe this about me but really I do and when I do, I do it in every aspect of the way. I start from not saying what I really think about the person to the point of when I don't correct the person when they do something wrong and this is actually not beneficial for them and this basically shows that I don't give a shit about them, that I really just don't care. I don't know about you but I think it's better when someone cares about you, rather than not. Hmm ... I sound angry, don't I? Oh well ... there you go, I think I manage to say what I really want to say. If you're gonna mark me as stubborn, so be it :D

What else to say. This week has its good fortune but that doesn't mean I still don't have problems to deal with. I'm getting really tired and frustrated with things but I have to push on. I guess I just have to see it as noone else will look out for me except for myself. I guess noone else but God can do it better anyway. So God, please show me the way. Yesterday started and ended in a more relaxed mood and I think the start of next week would also be more relaxed and calmer. I guess what I need to try to do now, is try to keep being level headed (as if I ever am!) when the mess come trudging my way. Of course I like to just pray every night so that God protects me and keeps me from harm way. That's about it peeps. May God also protect you and keep you from harm way. Buonanotte!

*I really don't know how one describes emo in proper english, so I used the word as is. I guess my best bet to describe it is to be a cross between emotional and temperamental?

:) eKa @ 10:18:00 PM • 0 comments

Good Movies This Week

I'm very tired now that it's really hard to push my brain to churn out sentences. So let's try if I can make this brief and avoid repeated sentences. There were 2 good movies this week and so let's start with that.

On Tuesday, I met YeeMaggio to catch up and talk about her newly acquired freedom. I think good things really come to people who work hard for it and she's one example of that. We went to watch Morning Glory which also highlight that idea, that when you work hard, something good will definitely come out of it. I love Morning Glory very much. I came in not expecting it to be amazing but I thought it was really good, funny, and entertaining. I kinda could relate with some of the things that happened to Rachel McAdams' character. I thought the cast was great. It helps that there's a handsome nice guy in there too :) Love it, love it, love it.

After class today, I had lunch with YeeMaggio, NanSee, and JM (my brain is too tired to create a name for her in this blog). We didn't spend much time together after lunch because me and NanSee decided to watch Mary and Max. I thought it's really really good. It's an animated film for adults based on a true story. The movie is about a young australian girl who randomly picked a name from a phone book and started writing letters to that person, who happened to be a 40 year old something guy living in New York. I felt that the way the story moved kinda mimicked the growth of the characters. When the girl was young, it was funny. As she grew older the story became deeper and more serious. The ending was pretty sad that I shed 1-2 tears. It was funny, touching, and enlightening, it's really really good.

I don't really feel like writing more. I'm so tired. This week has had its difficulties that if I have to list them all, I'll just get sad. With some things that kinda get resolved, more difficult and problematic things come my way. Damn, why can't things just be easy? In the class today, Mr. M asked us to talk about stress and such. I had U as my partner and she was stunned to know that I get stressed a lot, get depressed, get sad, and get withdrawn from the world and be unfriendly when I get stressed out. For the record, that conversation didn't take place entirely in french :P Anyway, U was surprised to find out this about me because she said I always look happy. Err ... Also this week, SC was telling me that I didn't seem to be the kind who get depressed. He thought I was the happy-go-lucky kind. I don't know how to respond to this. I'm still pretty twisted and restless. Obviously there are people and places who make me feel more relaxed and happy. Sadly those places or people are not in my everyday existence, so I guess I just try to get by. I don't really know if you get what I mean. I guess why I wrote this is because I'm just so stunned with how people perceive me. On one side, sometime I feel that they just don't know who I really am, what I am like. On the other side, I wonder if I am all that, that they think of me, it's just I just don't realize it yet. I don't really don't know.

There are perhaps may other things that I can write about. Feeling, sentiment, frustration, worry ... but I feel that by not talking about it or writing it out, I can kinda contain it and not let it go because when they go out, it's like a flame which get bigger and bigger and I'll end up being emotional and right now there are just too many things that I need to solve, that emotion is crippling. I don't know if I am making any sense. Take care peeps!

:) eKa @ 8:48:00 PM • 0 comments

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