I pride myself as a dedicated and committed person. I know that I am quite reliable and responsible, yadda yadda yadda. I'm not lying though and I can say those words with conviction. Case example: reached my room close to midnight last night and woke up at 7:30 something this morning to start with my Saturday engagement. I have never missed my Saturday engagement without valid reasons, such as: going home, sick, or once in a long time chances like meeting Rista. That's every Saturday for you, for almost 2 and a half years now. What keeps me going? What made me got up my bed despite it being a Saturday, which occasionally have its lazy rainy morning? I have no explanation other than I have too much control in me, and that dedicated and committed line on top. Sometime I wish I could be one of those people who just do what their emotion or feeling tell them to do. I wish I could just laze for a day because I feel like it or just to sleep in because I feel sleepy, but NO ... I always end up waking up and walking out of the door. I just can't be one of those people. I was one of those people in my first year of Uni and I paid the consequences. In my first term, I died a horrible death. Sigh. I suppose that wasn't really me back then, if I have regrets in life, that would be one of it.

Anyway, I guess forcing it does come with its negativity. I am most antisocial in the morning, quite often I just don't want to talk to anyone until I'm ready to do so. But some people just couldn't follow my 9 am rule so even before that I have to deal with shit. Then there are days when I'm also on edge and often I just don't have the patience to deal with dumb people which still happen a lot this week. You have to be fair though, perhaps they are not really dumb, perhaps it's just me being a bitch with no patience. Oh dear, this becomes a complaining session, no? So sorry.

This writing started actually just to tell you that perhaps I am older that I couldn't really go out late and be on point the next day. In retrospect, it has never happened anyway. In Uni days, I slept at dawn, woke up for my 10 am lecture, in which it was also just the case of the presence of the body and not the mind. I was there just because I felt bad about skipping it but I didn't try to understand anything. Another bigger regret is me not trying harder in my Uni days, that was really a big mistake in life and I am perhaps paying the consequences now. Ah, another round of complaining. So sorry. So anyway yeah, so what happened today was that I was feeling so sleepy during my Saturday engagement that I found it really hard to concentrate. I feel rather bad to kind Arianna. Sigh.

Reason for being so sleepy was because I slept late, because as mentioned I arrived in my room sometime near to midnight last night. Went to watch The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. Movie was at 08:30 pm so it ended late and I got really really tired, I even still felt tired this morning. The benefit of movie starting late was ample time for dinner which was at Tambuah Mas. I kinda needed the comfort food. Still love the food there and still want to go there again soon, because there are so many things that I wanted to eat. Dinner for 2 didn't really allow us to order much. Love the efficiency of the place and the fact that it's quite cheap there.

I found Narnia to be quite good. I think I would enjoy it better if I wasn't so tired and was more alert. They have some interesting lines. Fighting scenes were interesting. There were interesting characters. I normally not one who are excited about talking animals, but I love the talking animals here, the badger and the oh-yes-very-cute mouse. Aslan the lion didn't give much impressions on me though, I found him to be very interesting in the first movie. Speaking of which, watching this sequel, I was thinking I should have watched the first one again, to remember how the kids were back then. The kids are of course older now. I came to the movie thinking that Prince Caspian was rather handsome but I went out liking High King Peter more. He is more appealing for me, and I could really fall with this blondie. Overall, quite a nice movie, watch it if you are into this kind of fantasy genre. I kinda love it. I kinda like the whole magic and adventure elements. I guess my childish side just came out strong when I watched this movie. Love the land of Narnia so much. The sceneries were beautiful and I would love to be in those place, to see the islands, forests, beach, rivers. Amazing sceneries.

Wanted to watch Salvatore today. In the end, I didn't. I'm pretty disappointed with myself. Very very disappointed actually. Aaarrrgghh. Let's see if I can get the movie.

Tomorrow is Esther's wedding. Felt rather worried if I wouldn't know anyone there that I asked her whom I will be seated with. She assured me that Shervin, Elina, and Wawa are flying over and I will be sitting with them. So I guess that's not bad. These people are people from my primary and junior high school days. The last time I saw them was most probably 11 years ago. We were not the closest of friends back then, so I kinda wonder if we can talk much, but I suppose there will be things to talk about, especially if we are to endure that long chinese wedding dinner. So I'm kinda excited and slightly nervous about meeting them. That's rather a silly thing to say, isn't it? Oh well. Alrighty, take care you guys. Ciao!

:) eKa @ 8:26:00 PM • 0 comments

Kekasih Gelapku

Olla peeps, how has your week been? Ah perhaps I do have 6th sense or perhaps it was autosuggestion (Gosh it was so hard to find this word and it still doesn't sound as nice as the Indonesian word that I wanted to use, "sugesti"). My week wasn't really a smooth sailing. It's not me with the problem. It's other people and in the end I am dragged into the whirlwind which as the ibu said, have become a tornado. As I told Lois, it's like in a battlefield when people are shooting at each other and I was far away minding my own business but now I am called to carry the wounded and to do negotiation. I don't like it, don't like it at all. If I can I just want to say, you guys sucks! I don't really know what to say. I mean if you are an adult and such, you know that life's a bitch, life's not fair. So as much as I still scream in the face of things which I feel are unfair, I too, like the rest of the human population now and in the past, accept the reality and work my way around it. Eh, what am I writing about? I guess in summary, I should just shut up and try to go through with whatever it is required of me. After all, if God brings you to it, HE will bring you through it.

Oh yeah, did go to Carl's Gatti Del Mondo Exhibition on its opening day, Tuesday at the Arts House. Dragged la Gioia there where we met Ms. Kiera and her ragazzo. Was rather in a very keen mode to go there because I didn't go to last year's one and I think that's very bad of me to Carl. Then this year, Ms. Kiera's 2 pictures are in the exhibition. La Gioia even bought a magnet that featured one of her picture. Anyway, if you have a free time, do go to the Arts House to see the exhibition. It will be there until the end of next week, after which you can just stroll around the Singapore River.

Today I went to my morning engagement dressed rather formally and so not like me. Reason for that was because I had to go to M&M wedding lunch afterwards. They're being polite, didn't say anything when they saw me so differently, though Arianna did say "carina!". Circa alle dodici quando avrei voluto lasciare, ho detto "devo andare, ho un pranzo di matrimonio". Poi A.Nobre ha detto, "ah perciò si veste elegante". Nella mia mente, "Si! Tu pensi che mi piaccia portare una gonna? Oh No! Mio Dio. Il livello della mia fiducia in se stessa diminuiva". By the way, I am so gonna flunk CELI 3. Oh my God, help me!!!

Anyway, then off I went. It was expected but still I wasn't truly prepared for it or knew how to deal with it for that matter, everyone was like exclaiming, "Aaah, Eka you are wearing a skirt!!!". That pretty much didn't help to boost my level of confidence which was pretty low. I was getting more embarrassed. Sure all of them kindly gave me compliments but it would be nice if you know, people don't make a big deal out of it. Though I know it's quite a big deal because this is the first time any of them ever see me in a skirt. At one point la Gioia said maybe you should get on the stage and make an announcement, yes this is me in a skirt, so see now, and let's move on. I have to say that it wasn't a bad idea, but of course I wouldn't have the craziness to pull that one. La Gioia said it was so funny when all the pet started getting all their cameras ready to take my picture with il Gatto. I didn't think much of it, but come to think of it, this one was nothing compared to the steamboat incident. Oh my God, that was embarrassing to the max.

Lunch was okay. I was rather bad and impolite for not spending much time talking to people like Meiyin and Angelica. Very very bad of me. No manner! After lunch I was supposed to watch Indiana Jones with Starfish and all, but we didn't book and in the end couldn't really get good seats, so in the end that plan was canceled. So me, la Gioia, and Lois just hung around to fill their time before their next meetings. Did some shopping too. Now getting really tired. I guess it's the heels, though as Dewi pointed out, it was rather short at around 3 cm. What can I say, I just love sneakers!

Ah, I have written for so long and I haven't even touched the title. The title is a song title from Ungu which has been in Starfish's playlist since perhaps Friday and it's still playing. That one and only song, my goodness! Got the song from Ms. Kiera who is more in tune to Indonesian music than me, so I passed it to Starfish. I am actually more in a Jikustik mode these days. I just remember, I think it was Dendry who told me he liked Jikustik and asked me to listen to their songs ages ago which I ignored and yet now I find them to be very interesting.

Moving on, about the title. Well I cannot really give you any background story but (if you are so free) think about this. A boy and a girl in the same circle of friends. They were friends. They hung out in groups and all. Suddenly perhaps sparks floated here and there. So they spent times just the two of them then, well I can only be sure of 1 party only, one of them feels certain feeling and feels that the other feels the same way. So this person told the other one, hey I like / love you, yadda yadda yadda. Then apparently the other party didn't really feel as much, or perhaps they do (as what all the signals been saying) but don't want to go into the whole relationship thingy that they just kinda want to be there only, which is confusing and undefined. Furthermore perhaps they kinda want all these feeling not to be addressed so that things can just be the way it is as it is (which again was weird and confusing). Not a very encouraging response, no? So the question is, if we have to move on from these people, should we really cut all ties? I wrote some time ago, is walking away the only way to feel fine?

Starfish thinks so. What do you think? Walking away will ruin the friendship that they previously had. Veramente questo è anche la mia storia. I wanted to walk away, I kinda decided to walk away. That kinda broke my heart. I told Starfish, sometime when I think about it, it's not him who broke my heart, but myself. Then sometime he comes along whenever he feels like it (which sucks). Perhaps I kinda let him in, I still talk to him and stuff. Starfish said that's why you still feel so shitty. True. But he's ... I don't know what to say, I think he's just being selfish. I really don't know what he wants or how he feels. At this point there's no use for me to make assumption. I like to think I know how he feels truthfully but I can be so wrong. I hate it. I think that the friendship should still be there, at least we can be courteous to each other but perhaps Starfish is right. How do you expect to rid something out of your system completely if you still letting it in once a while. Enough about me, I am in a moving on state, so I don't want to talk about this anymore. For you people, if you are in similar situation, I hope you have a happy ending, ya I was tempted to say, write to me and we'll set up a support system

I told Starfish, my story is more like this:

adakah ku singgah di hatimu?
mungkinkah kau rindukan adaku?
adakah ku sedikit di hatimu?
kau yang ada di hatiku
adakah ku di hatimu?

Untitled - Maliq & D'Essentials

:) eKa @ 9:14:00 PM • 0 comments

The Long Weekend That Ends

Hello peeps, how have your long weekend been? So it is ending. For me it's not just the long weekend which is ending but also the free and solitary week that I have been having. Well you can't play all the time. Playing is perhaps what I have been doing lately when I really shouldn't. I should have been more focused. Today I tried to squeeze in some brainy activities but it didn't work so well. Tomorrow onwards I see nothing but me having to move full speed ahead *sigh* Help me God please.

Went to watch Made of Honor yesterday with Vivy. She was running really late so it seemed that we were going to miss the movie. I tried to collect the ticket myself though I thought it would be highly impossible since she was the one who did the booking. Miraculously, the boy at the counter made it happen after he asked his manager to key in some password or pin. I was at awe. Maybe the boy remembered me from 2 days before. So peeps, next time you're in such situation, perhaps you could try approaching the people at the counter with a desperate and rather blur look and of course be extremely polite

The movie was not bad, though it was typical. I was never one who was into McDreamy in Grey's Anatomy but I have to say that Patrick Dempsey was appetizing in this movie. I really cannot say much about the story because it is typical and as expected. Should you watch it? Well I kinda like it but perhaps you will find it too ordinary. Anyways that movie along with the movies that I watched this long weekend, 2 Weeks Notice, Before Sunrise (I didn't really watch all of it), and The Truth About Cats and Dogs kinda have one thing in common. That guy and girl relationship and what made them so awesome. I guess it's good conversation. I guess when you gonna spend forever with someone, you should be able to have that good conversation with that someone. I know that it is rare, to be able to talk about everything with someone, not necessarily about life and what bothers you and all that stuffs but also about stuffs like where the polar bear and the penguin live. Ah, I miss that.

So I asked a question this week, do you want your girlfriend to be your friend first or you just want to meet a girl and try to make her your girlfriend? He answered I want her to be my friend first. I think I asked the wrong question. I suppose the question I should ask is that do you want to fall for your friend? Then I said it sucks, it sucks to fall for your friend and not having that person feeling the same way. Sometime it didn't end the way movies are, like in Made of Honor when the 2 good friends ended up together. Sometime, as I saw in an Indonesian reality TV show recently, the girl just wanted to stay the way she is with the guy even though the boy likes her and perhaps she likes him too and their friendship is so blurry *sigh* Girls can be so confusing sometime.

Okay, enough talking about relationship? It sucks when you don't have it? It sucks also when you have it? I guess if it's not the right one then it sucks. I guess when it's right then it's just comforting? I just like the dynamic of the couple in Made of Honor and 2 Weeks Notice. When you complement each other, when you know what each other is thinking, when you know what each other likes or dislikes, when you can eat what the other doesn't like to eat. That's pretty much the type of relationship that I want, I suppose Still waiting here ...

Moving on to other stuffs, I was watching Channel News Asia as I am writing this. It's featuring how Indonesian Reformation is, now that it's been 10 years. 10 years, my goodness. Unbelievable. I've forgotten many things from that time. There's bits and pieces that I could still remember. Sitting on the bus and watching the crowds in the Trisakti University having demonstration. Strangely I wasn't scared though there were so many people there. Then the day before the big riot where me and Rista and Meylyana crossed that bridge to go to our area and seeing nothingness on the streets which were normally filled with traffic jam. Nothing at all, if you think about it, it's so freaky. I remember my dad driving Rista to the church of her father's friend. I remember being at home and just waiting, seeing people passing by with the things that they looted. We were okay. We were safe and sound. How it was possible, I think God is the only answers. How time flies. 10 years have gone by. A decade. How's our country now? I can't say much. I guess I am not one who can give comment anyway, since I haven't been spending much time there. Still I think, it's not a bad place to be in, even my dear Jakarta.

Okay, gonna go now. Kinda have a few things this week. I don't know why, I have all these nervousness in me for the coming week. I hope things will be alright. Spero che tutti sia bene, per favore Dio. Ciao tutti!

:) eKa @ 8:35:00 PM • 0 comments

I Love Owen Wilson

Hi peeps, just reached my room some time ago and I am sneezing myself away now while frantically trying to dry my hair. Not actually having a good day today, perhaps the only good thing today was that I managed to get away half an hour earlier. I just felt so relieved to be able to get out from everyone and be on my own. Watching the Thomas Cup semi final now but the connection is so bad. Indonesia VS Korea and the standing currently is 0-2, aarrrgghh ...

Anyway, went to watch Drillbit Taylor today. Nobody wanted to watch it and so after much hesitation I just went with my trusty self. I like watching movies alone but I do get insecure a lot of times and at such times it's quite difficult to drag myself. Today I am glad that I managed to drag myself to watch this movie alone. I enjoyed Drillbit Taylor so much and I totally recommend all of you to watch it. I had so much laughter and it was really a good destress for me. The story was about these 3 boys who were first years in high school and were the victims of the school's notorious bullies. They couldn't fight for themselves so they hired the bum, Owen Wilson, as their bodyguard. As the tagline says, the best bodyguard pocket money can buy. I am so interested to watch this because of this concept, but I think this same thing is what drove other people away.

One of the writers wrote Superbad as well and since I watched that, I couldn't help feeling that this is the younger version of those dudes in Superbad. 3 geeks, 2 of them are the bestest friends, and 1 of them was fat with curly hair. You really can't help feeling the similarity. I actually like this more than Superbad. I suppose I prefer a tamer movie rather than the very-full-with-crude-language Superbad. I thought the 3 boys were rather lovable, Wade, Ryan, and Emmit. They were still geeks and pretty weak and at times you do get annoyed with their helplessness but they were really quite likeable. At the climax when they really stood up for themselves and fought the bullies, I felt so proud for them I thought the 3 of them held their parts of the movie really well.

However being the older me, I like Owen Wilson the most. One can't really say he is one of the most handsome actors around currently or the best actors around. In fact he often acted the same in whichever movie he's in. I felt quite sorry for him when I read the news that he tried to kill himself. In this movie, I think he did quite well. I could feel the kindness in Drillbit. As I said, he's not stunningly handsome, but somehow I was kinda really drawn to him. So yeah, I just want to say I love Owen Wilson! Ah dude, I hope you're not feeling so hopeless in your life anymore. So watch Drillbit Taylor peeps. Good laugh. A really good feel-good entertainment

On other news, this week generally has been alright. They were moments of upsets but oh well, what else is new. The week started quite interestingly actually. Went to Adobe Flash Actionscript 3.0 training on Monday. I thought the speaker Colin Moock was handsome Ah yeah, you may be wondering if I actually learned anything there or I just ogled at him. Well I did. Got a reminder of those OOP days in NUS. Been trying a few stuffs but I haven't started anything major yet and as usual I have difficulties visualizing how to integrate the major graphical parts and the brainy programming parts. I don't know perhaps all this time all the graphical parts are what drive me more. Anyways, I'm kinda quite interested with all these, so see what I can come out with. Was also in awe with Colin's brain as well, so that's kinda a drive but if 3 years in Uni taught me anything, is that some people just have talent in it and I don't really have it. Oh yeah, I should say despite of me thinking he's quite handsome and all, I could sense his geeky side which kinda reminded me of this very awesome programmer we know. All these people like speak a different language They're still cool though!

Met a few people I know there like WeePee, Vinny, and HillOne. It's so good to be able to see them. It's been a while, especially HillOne. We took the train home together, had a few talk. That guy always has a good head on his shoulders. With all his hard work, I think he is destined to be awesome.

Okay, gonna go now and start my long weekend. Really need this time of solitude. Take care peeps.

:) eKa @ 10:20:00 PM • 0 comments

Saturday Update - 100508

I had quite a long day today. Not as long as my weekdays but somehow I'm rather tired. Morning engagement as usual. Then was supposed to see NanSee but she was discharged early so that was canceled and in the end la Gioia could have her Globetrotter lunch. I had the Indonesian nasi goreng which wasn't so authentic. Well, I suppose people would like it but I'm just not into sambal and all that stuffs. After that we went to see RH which was looking okay. Apparently the doctor knows what's wrong with him, well I hope he can get the easy way out rather than the more difficult one. After which, we went for a bit of shopping which kinda bored me a lot. I seriously don't really like shopping and all and perhaps I became quite a bore to la Gioia as well. She nicely managed not buying anything. I got some stuffs and after a second look on them, I think I did okay.

Then I went back home and got a nice surprise when I saw Copper in the train. He was actually already looking at me, spotting me first. I kinda always get stunned when people can recognize me because I think I kinda changed(?). So I suppose not though. Had small talk because I was only 2 stations away. Kinda nice to meet old friends I suppose. It's been awhile since I saw the people from my Kent Ridge days and it's always a nice surprise to see them. Of course when they said they are married and expecting kids and such, I do feel a bit of a poke inside, but lucky thing is Copper is still more or less like me I am really evil, I should actually pray for the happiness of the people that I know, instead of being happy if they are still single like me He asked, "So you're still here?". Yes, I am and right back at you Copper. How long more, I don't know. Only God knows? Though I wish things will change soon.

Moving on. So many people have gotten sick these days and I hope all of you are well. Do take care of yourself. Oh, I have to say about the thunderous nights we have been having. Last night and the night before. I was never a child who ran to their parent's bed when there's thunder at night, but these 2 nights I was really kinda scared with the thunder. My heart was beating faster with each struck and it quivered when the lightning flashed from my window. I don't know, at this age I am actually more bothered with thunder and lightning at night. Yesterday was really really bad, that I was praying with every lightning and thunder. I felt so thankful that I was inside instead of outside. I also realize that I am quite lucky in many ways. With 2 people I know had to be hospitalized, I couldn't help feeling that I am so blessed and protected by God, that even though I got sick and such, I am okay. I haven't really experienced much difficulties in life. I guess I have to be more grateful.

Movie this week was Nim's Island which I watched with Yen, la Gioia, Starfish, and Gascoigne. I think I am bloody nice to Gascoigne but I suppose he has his nice moments to me. Some days ago, my weird brain was thinking if I should give an Italian name to Starfish, what would it be. Matteo came to mind. It's the Italian version for Matthew and a short Google away, I found out that Matteo means "Gift of God". Nice, no? Anyway back to the movie. Nim's Island wasn't amazing. I actually found it to be quite long. It was so unrealistic and illogical at many points but I suppose the target audience are young kids (10 something) who would just be happy to see the main characters conquer all. The movie is about the adventure that Abigail Breslin, Jodie Foster, and Gerard Butler's characters had. Individually and separately. As I said, at many times they were illogical. Not much excitement really. Of the 3 characters, I have to say I kinda connected with Jodie Foster's character the most. I can relate to the part of having fear and having to take steps on her own. Scary, really scary. Anyways, the movie ends well, obviously. Should you watch it? No

Okay before I end this post, one last part to share. One Sunday night I was enlightened that I would be okay, that my brain and my logical decision was correct and I would be fine. However little touch swayed me. I wanted to scream "It's not fair! It's so not fair". Is walking away the only way to be fine? Quando c'è sentimento, non c'è mai pentimento. That was from a song. Non ho un pentimento but I want to be alright. I don't want to be heartbroken *sigh*

:) eKa @ 5:54:00 PM • 0 comments

Iron Man

Before I begin I just want to say, I am easily distracted. Even worse, perhaps one of the worst trait in me is that if something gets into my head I will not be able to shake it off until I just do or deal with whatever it is. Kinda a bad timing right now, because I have so many other things in front me which require my utmost attention. Sigh. Help me God, help me to get through all the necessary things first.

Went to watch Iron Man with Vivy and the people whom Vivy sometime spends the Saturday with, Hady and Anwar. I kinda enjoyed Iron Man very very much. I am not really a big fan of superhero movie. When one is out, I will be like rolling my eyes and say, "another superhero movie?". I have no particular favorite actually, though I would say the Fantastic Four movies are the most brainless of them all. Anyway I think Iron Man was quite nicely done. No point talking about the plot because it is still a superhero movie after all. The best thing about the movie for me was Robert Downey Jr whom I found to be very entertaining and the Iron Man itself which I found to be totally cool. Awesome. I thought it was way cooler than Transformers. I was thinking, man! if only I could be a guy and be Iron Man Robert Downey Jr as Tony Stark was great. You would just want to be him, who wouldn't want to be rich and smart and kinda charming and be able to do everything. He's not the most responsible person ever and at times he may seem a bit self-centered but I suppose it's human? He just doesn't come across as the I-have-power-I'm-gonna-save-the-world kind. He just gonna wing it and that makes him pretty likable, I think. Alright I am writing nonsense here. Go and watch it peeps. It is perhaps another superhero movie but it is really really entertaining.

Was talking to Starfish just now about movie and in the end I told him about what I think I should share with you as well. The 18th European Union Film Festival is starting tomorrow until May 17. Movies will be screened in The Picture House as well as Alliance Francaise Auditorium. There's 1 free screening which you all can go but collect your tickets from now. The movie is called After Years of Hate (Nous Nous Sommes Tant Hais), a French movie. It's an European Commission Delegation, I don't know what that means but perhaps it just means it's free So quickly collect your ticket from the Picture house or AF sistic outlet. Screening time is: Wednesday, 14 May 2008, 09:20 pm at The Picture House and Friday 9 May 2008, 09:15 pm at AF Theatre. Maybe I should go on the Friday's one.

Then the Italians are having their Italian Festival 2008. You may have seen some ad in the bus or some places. Anyway, there are many Italian related activity. Since I am into movies, let me tell you 2 movies which you can watch for free. The first one is Il Postino (The Postman), showing in Library@Esplanade, on Saturday 24 May 2008, 03:00 - 04:30 pm. I love that movie so much and perhaps that movie was the one which ignited my passion for Italy. It introduced me to the wonderful Pablo Neruda. I totally totally recommend you to watch this. If you know the song Mi Mancherai sung by Josh Groban, then you will find this movie more endearing. The song was used as the soundtrack and it was really really touching. The next movie is Salvatore - Questa É La Vita, screened the following Saturday, 31 May at the same time, same place. I haven't watched this. So I will try to watch both if I can drag some people to accompany me. There's also some other free things which you watch, but I found the places to be rather far. The Seagull and the Cat (La Gabbianella ed il Gatto) is an animated film, showing Saturday, May 24, 03:00 - 04:30 pm at Marine Parade Community Library and then there's Giobbe Giobbe, a puppet show which will be in English, so no worries there. This actually seems very interesting. It's playing Saturday 17 May, 03:00 - 04:00 pm at Woodlands Regional Library (far ya?). The Italian film festival itself is coming. In June though, so we will talk about it next month. Okay, if you are interested and want to know more, you can ask me. Take care you all! Have a good week ahead.

:) eKa @ 7:21:00 PM • 0 comments

If The Thunder Could Have Struck

The last time I wrote, I said I was losing my mojo. Apparently it was just not the mojo which left me. I got sick quite badly last week. Exactly a week ago actually and the realization of that made me feel that this week really flies fast. Last Friday I was already feeling a bit bad when I woke up, felt cough was coming and the chest felt like it's being squeezed. However I went through with the day, I think because the people at home kinda inspired me to do so. Dewi said before that she would normally still storm her day even though she had a runny nose or a headache. I know my mom would do the same. So thinking of those people, I decided to go through with my day thinking that I wasn't really in a bad shape. However somehow around 3 pm, I really didn't feel good, it's more like sensing it rather than feeling it literally, so I decided to go home.

Reached my room, took a nap, in about 1 hour, I got fever. Panadol took care of it and I was thinking if I could go through my Saturday or at least meet Emilia who was here last weekend. Got to sleep Friday night only to be woken up at 1 am with high temperature. Another panadol went in. Woke up, lied in my bed and I thought I should stay in and see the doctor. Her diagnosis was the usual flu symptoms. She thought my throat was bad though I wasn't feeling much sore throat yet at that time. Got my usual antibiotics, so I thought I was all good. Another high temperature Saturday night but when I woke up on Sunday, I was okay. However Sunday evening I had another fever. I just felt rather annoyed and worried at this point in time because the fever was on and off and only happened from the afternoon onwards.

Got the permission from mom to stay in on Monday. I felt really awful so I went to see the doc again. She said my throat was still really bad so more antibiotics and perhaps she felt rather guilty and sorry for me so she gave me MC for 2 days without me asking for it. She said I should really rest. She was so right. I was more emotional and mentally unstable that Monday that after the doctor when I got back to my room, I actually cried rather furiously. I just felt so alone. Miss my mom so much. Miss my aunt who would have been given the task to take care of me if I had been home. I felt rather angry and sad of having to deal with this on my own. So I cried and cried and cried and perhaps the release was necessary. My condition was rather improving after that.

Don't get me wrong. I've been sick here. A quick look in the journal showed that I had been sick 3 times this year, which makes it an average of once a month (kinda really worrying for me, why am I so weak?). Being sick badly and being in a vulnerable state just freaked me out. I've been sick but I've always been able to take care of myself despite of it. The weekend made me worried and all the different scenarios played in my head and I was thinking how I could get through if the worst happened. Thankfully of course, God takes care of me, and so nothing bad happened. It's all good now.

Anyways, I have to talk about the title. The title is in reference to something that me and il Gatto talked about one day. The thunder that could move us and make us leave. So when I was sobbing madly, I was thinking that was it. If the thunder could have struck, that would have been the moment. Of course it was a false alarm. However it does seem rather clear for me. One thing for sure, if I am destined to be single, I would rather be single at home than be here in Singapore alone. So I guess it will just be a matter of time now, when I decide that the loneliness is enough and too much for me to bear. I just got reminded, whatever it is I will have to be here in June. Decided to take CELI 3. It's such a risk, but I'm thinking I may be able to prepare myself well in 1 month. Decided to take it after talking to Osh. He said we should go for what we want instead of what we can. I'm not sure if that's a good path to follow, but I do kinda want this (I don't know why) so I'm going for it and I hope I will get lucky again. Okay peeps, take care okay. Stay healthy!

:) eKa @ 7:38:00 PM • 0 comments