Sunday, April 25, 2021

Really Not As Bad As Last Year

If you had asked me where I'd be right now last May, I would have had an optimistic answer. I thought I would have been vaccinated and I could go home to be with the family to pray for my dad's 1 year death anniversary and yet I am here with a major problem being thrown my way. I'm barely keeping it together and praise be to Mom who's there to tell me to calm down. I'm not going to talk about my issue right now, maybe I'll do it next week. What I can say right now is that I have been looking back and whatever it is I'm facing now, I know it's pale in comparison to last year when it's the worst time in our family's lives. Knowing that did not stop me from freaking out and stressing out though and my head is so all over the place that I didn't even have time to wish that I'm mentally stronger :(

Entering April, it's really a time of reflection for me. I wish I could have done it in a more peaceful way without this shitty thing that I have to deal with. It starts with April 8th. Good God, that's the worst even though obviously it's not the worst day. There's April 23rd and then tomorrow's date. I haven't done any reading on how one should process grief, I'm sure google will tell you it's different for everyone. I can still cry thinking about my dad so I tried my best not to think too deeply about it. Anything longer than a few minutes could get me crying. Don't get me wrong, me and mom have talked / gossiped about him, like his annoying traits or how he would react to certain family news, and we're fine, we could laugh about it. It's just when I think about his dying process or memory of him, I could still cry about it. I had some tears when I went to temple today to pray and right now, just writing this, tears are starting to form. So what I do is that I try hard not to think too deeply about it. Things could appear randomly in my head and when thoughts about my dad appear in public places, like the bus or just somewhere, it's the more I have to snap out it and pull myself together. I don't know if what I'm doing is healthy, but well I have been unhealthy mentally, so this is nothing new?

President Biden said there will come a time when the thoughts of the departed loved ones will bring us smiles first before tears. I believe him when he said that and it is comforting to hear him say that. I don't always cry when I talk about my dad, but where I am now, I could easily cry when I think about him. What happened to us last year was really bad and through it all I'm really thankful that I have my family to go through it all with me. I know how weak I am mentally, how easily I crumble, so I really need someone to lean to :(

:) eKa @ 9:07:00 PM • 0 comments