Monday, January 31, 2005
Ode to my Nokia 3310
Actually wanted to write just about that, my nokia phone, but then what I feel right now kinda took me over completely that I find it hard to focus. It's funny how someone can really make your blood boil. It's funny how someone can make you so angry. It's funny how you can lose control in a split second. The devil must be laughing so hard on me. I just need to hang on for a few days. I thought I'm going through this day feeling calm and okay, but then I blew it. I lost it and the devil won. It's funny...because even by the sight of that someone, my walls are on. I'm anti-social and I just want to say the least possible words possible. It's funny 'cause I felt it back then and yet now there are different people and I feel exactly the same. I guess you will always feel that. I guess until you find a way to overcome this evil feeling, the devil will tempt you again and again. So is the devil there to make us stronger? Stronger in faith? Stronger in sincerity towards other? Afterall, those which don't kill you make you stronger, and I am too weak *sigH*
Okay, about my phone. Bought a new phone over the weekend. So I need to let my nokia 3310 rest in peace. Been staying with this phone for 4 years now, which in singapore-handphone-year, the phone is too old, ancient, and pre-historic. The phone carried so much sentimental feeling for me. It's not just a phone, there's something attached with the phone. It's just one of those thing and time in which I totally felt that my mom is extremely kind. I have to put the phone to rest because it's not really that reliable anymore. I wish I don't have to. The strange thing is I was excited about getting a new phone and now I have difficulty in letting it go. Event though the new phone came with a (lousy) integrated camera, colored screen, integrated radio, and all, I miss the simplicity that my old nokia has. My 3310 has so few buttons to use to get to what I want to do and now I'm somewhat lost with the new phone. Yes, it is perhaps so utterly embarrassing for me to admit this but I feel I need to give the proper respect for my Nokia 3310
I know that a lot of time you have to say good bye to the things that you have got so used to. New things will come along and even though you don't like this new things, just give them time and I guess learn to love them.
:) eKa @ 11:14:00 AM •
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Didn't know what title to use and then this woman was saying this word, so I use that word as the title. Finally had tears coming out from my eyes today after so many days of me saying "I want to cry. I want to die" and yadda...yadda...yadda...my usual whining sentences. But there was this guy there so perhaps because of embarrassment and didn't want him to feel uneasy, I had to stop on a few tears. Couldn't really sob. Luckily I managed to hold myself because at that time I seriously felt so upset and felt that I could just cry and cry. But today didn't go all that bad, because a person actually helped me out on something, even though it was not his business, even though he was miles and miles and miles away. He will say it's because he's a gentleman, he was doing it. Yeah right
Perhaps a getting-too-self-absorbed gentleman
I'm counting on the days my friends. I feel the days are going so slowly, but it's only a few more days to go. Yesterday mom was telling me something and though it was not something funny but more towards sad, I felt it was funny. Perhaps when you are so tense and upset but don't really have the time and space to vent all these stupid things, you are getting crazier
I know you all know that. See, I am so crazy. I'm weirder than usual. A few more days, a few more days, a few more days to more depression with no way out.
:) eKa @ 4:32:00 PM •
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Went to watch The Aviator
on Monday. It was...Long
So it wasn't good? Well, there were some people leaving half way. I'm not saying that it is bad. It's just pretty long with so much information and things going on in there. Leonardo DiCaprio was really good in this movie, very intense, I think pretty deserving of the globe (well I haven't seen how good the other nominees were). I just found him to be so different in this movie, he doesn't even look handsome. Cate Blanchett is another good performer in this movie. I like the way she played her character, though I find it quite hard to believe that people actually speak like her character, but I guess they do. I can't really say I like or dislike the movie. It reminds of A Beautiful Mind
which is about another accomplished freak, John Nash (played by Russell Crowe). The difference is, I actually don't mind watching A Beautiful Mind
again and again but I don't think I'm gonna watch The Aviator
any time soon. I don't think this movie is that watchable.
Anyways, the movie is about Howard Hughes, who is an aviator by heart. He's a freak, well perhaps it is rude to say that, but it's just he has some mental problem. So here I am wondering why is it that usually the freaks are the revolutionary ones. Howard Hughes is by the way the man behind the Hercules plane. John Nash in A Beautiful Mind
also had mental problem. I'm sure there are many other amazing people who change the world, who also mentally different than the rest of the people surrounding them. It is perhaps because they can see things differently, because of their perceptions towards everything is different than common people that they can come up with such amazing ideas and inventions. However, would you like to be a freak just to accomplish these kind of thing. It is hard for me to say yes, but I kinda want to. I feel it is totally great, awesome, and cool if you can come up with something that can change the world, something that can contribute to the life of human being. Man! That would be so awesome!!!
However, here I am in my reality. Some minutes ago, I totally felt like crying. I'm tired. Then a few minutes ago, this girl was saying something to me that made me feel good about myself again. I wish it is enough to know yourself that you are good, but a lot of the time the saddest and most annoying thing is what matter to us is whether or not other people think the same way too. Why the hell am I waiting for approval? When are they ever gonna act for my benefit? I wish...I wish only what I think of me matters.
:) eKa @ 2:38:00 PM •
Monday, January 17, 2005
Lousy Soccer Weekend
Need I say more? Arsenal lost 0-1 to a club named Bolton Wanderers, yeah I hear you, WHat??? I seriously feel very sad about it. Hmm...Maybe it's really chelsea this season. Maybe money can really buy everything. Then Indonesia lost 2-1 to Singapore, so in aggregate we lost 5-2, man! That is sad!!! I was praying and hoping but it wasn't meant to be. That's not God wants it to be *sigH*
Anyway...Was actually feeling excited about this week because of the long weekend which will be coming. Hhmm...Should I tell you that I had another hatred dream
? Similar to the one I told you in my last post, but this time it was about different people. It was so weird and so real. I don't understand why I can have this kind of dream and what they mean. It kinda freak me out a bit. There, I am evil
Okay, anyway...yes, this week, supposed to be good. Then a friend gave me a heads-up about what's going to happen to me tomorrow. It makes me think and wonder about a lot of thing. The saddest part is that as usual I have no control of what's going to happen to me. Even if I don't want this thing to happen, even if I want to do something else, I can't because I just can't, 'cause things do not happen the way I want it to be.
My induk ayam kindly enough gave some advice and it surprising that he can actually be that wise. He didn't really show much of his wisdom back then. The silly thing, he told me to eat mie rebus
for lunch, that made me think of the mie ayam
I had with mom when I came home, it was so good. I miss it and most of all, I miss her too. It's time to talk to her tonight for some moral support.
:) eKa @ 1:55:00 PM •
Monday, January 10, 2005
Ada Apa Denganmu?
Eka, ada apa denganmu? I guess that's what people would like to ask to me because I have this look on my face which is best described with "Ada apa denganmu?" (What is it with you?). Not really a big fan of Peterpan though I must say that Ariel is cute
and do not really like this song that much but the whole thing about the song "Ada Apa Denganmu?" just feel so right to me. It's not the song itself that I can relate to but I guess it's the way the girl in the video was so angry with the boyfriend. I am not that unlucky or lucky to have a boy problem but I do have so much other problems. Not so much perhaps, but the way I feel this problem and the way this problem gets to me makes me feel so utterly upset, pissed off, and basically hate everything. Saya sudah tak bisa ikhlas lagi (I can not be sincere anymore) and it's important for me to be able to feel sincere. My God...I don't even know what to ask to you.
Anyway, yesterday was listening to some songs from SING TO THE DAWN and it reminds me of life in NUS and this is me being so crazy, but the following are some things that I wish I can say to a few people, I'm focusing on the good stuffs here. Man! I like (not past tense? ) you so much, beyond sanity, and yes it's embarrassing, but despite nothing I still feel good for being able to feel something like that
. Hey kiddo, you're cool! You're crazy with so much attitude but I do think you're cool, thanks for that high five, it brighten my day a bit
. I miss you, you're my punching bag, but it just seems I always get you at the wrong time *sigH*
. Err...That's only to 3 people, who are actually all guys. Man! Girls are just too much for me to take. Anyway, I'm so fucked up right now, there I say the F word and I don't give a damn.
Had weird dreams over the weekend. One time it was about me telling a girl I know something like I hate her. It was something like me telling her that what she did with "her friends" hurt me a lot. Yes, that is scary and creepy. Perhaps that's the truth, perhaps I don't have to bother examining my own feeling and trying to be okay when I'm not, trying to be nice when I don't want to. Maybe my subconscious me is trying to help me by making that one thing clear. Or perhaps, it's the other extreme, that's a slap from God telling me to resolve this feeling. Whatever it is I don't want to think about it, they are part of a past that I don't really want to look into, I don't think I have the time or the energy to deal with it anyway. Okay, hope you guys are much happier.
Adding (11/01/05): Yesterday, a friend told me that "Shit Happens", fully appropriate for my day yesterday. Then in the evening Darren said that "shit makes flower grow", that is so true. He also said that shit wouldn't happen everyday *sigH* Be happy Eka...be happy
:) eKa @ 2:32:00 PM •
Monday, January 03, 2005
Excess (Emotional) Baggage
From the title I guess it's pretty obvious that I am not so "merry" *sigH* Maybe you don't even need the title since you've known that I am always sad. I am beginning to think that I am always sad. I guess it's because I am not happy and if you really think about it, it is very sad that a person can be unhappy. Anyway, arrived back in my room in Singapore at 00:30 am today, so didn't have much sleep. Received an sms from my mom this morning and God, I miss her so much that if I don't try to hold it, I'm gonna start sobbing now
I guess, I should tell you what I had been doing at home. So here you go, what happened in the days that I was gone (in points so that I won't forget what to say).
Had a really good flight home because the plane was quite empty and there was only me in and 2 other people in my row. Those 2 were sitting in the other end of the row. I, of course, asked for a window seat. My mom and uncle picked me up and for me it was just pretty psychic that I immediately saw my mom when I got out. Man, I miss her. The trip home was long because of the traffic jam and I actually felt a bit queasy in the car. I was hoping to arrive as soon as possible. That's when for the first time I think Jakarta is just painted in a different shade of colour. It's darker there, everywhere. I guess the streets are so highly polluted that leaves just don't seem to be green. Pollution and also perhaps the city is just a tougher, meaner, and sadder city compared to Singapore. Don't get me wrong, I also think that Singapore has its sad vibe also, or at least for me. I just feel that Singapore is all about the concretes and buildings and it feels so empty for me.
Didn't really go anywhere the following day. Was enjoying MTV Indonesia in global TV which is getting weirder and showing more advertisements that content
Went to Bandung on December 24. A trip which I wasn't really excited and really didn't want to go, but it's because of my mom that I went. The trip was quite long so we arrived quite late in the evening at my bro's place. Mom was suggesting that all of us (uncles and cousins) just stayed over in my bro's place. I couldn't even make myself sit and yet my mom wanted us to sleep there. So I was throwing tantrums to my mom and yes it was embarrassing and sinful of me, but seriously at that time I was at the verge of crying for things that I better not write here. My mom was kind enough to detect my silence and decided that we could stay at a hotel, a nearby hotel. In the end only the females stayed there and I was pretty satisfied though I couldn't fully feel happy 'cause I felt so guilty to my mom. The next day we went to a temple in Lembang and to Tangkuban Perahu. It was my first time going to Tangkuban Perahu and I was not really that excited. So there are these few craters in Tangkuban Perahu, the remains of a volcanic mountain. The craters are very dangerous because of sulfur and all the gases there, so you can only view them from the mountain tops, you couldn't really go down to the crater except for one, which if I am not mistaken is called Crater Domas. Now, the trip to this crater, involved walking a 1.2 km distance inside a rainforest which amazingly didn't have any mosquitoes inside. I actually didn't see any animals there. The trip was pretty painful because it just rained when we got there and so it was so muddy and without the proper foot wear, I kinda got stuck in the mud several times
But, there was this lady who managed to walk all the way and back with heels. Kudos to that girl. Anyways, the path inside the rainforest itself is highly unsafe and you kinda have to walk up the mountain. So on one side there's this mountains' walls with trees and moss and on the other side there's this cliff to the bottom of I don't know where, I couldn't really see, there were just trees and trees down there. So if you fall, my God, you better pray you don't fall because there were no guides there or even safety posts where you can ask for help. Did I say that the path is very narrow too? It was and again when I went there, it was so muddy. Thankfully we all arrived there safely. This crater is not so dangerous so that's why people can approach it. There's this hot spring where boiling water just flow. Yes, the water is hot so approach with caution. One of the thing that were used to sell this place is that you can boil eggs just by putting them in the water
You can laugh now. My bro bought a few eggs and actually we didn't boil them ourselves 'cause it's kinda scary. So the person there put the eggs in the basket in the main hot springs and 15 minutes or so they were ready to be eaten. After that it was another 1.2 km walk back. Thank God my mom could make it 'cause she said she was feeling out of breath. We stayed another night in a small inn in Lembang. The place was not that good but I couldn't throw anymore tantrums. I was trying to be at my best behaviour then. The trip wasn't that exciting for me, but I was there for mom. On the road, we passed mountains and we saw villages on that mountains and even in the valley. It is weird how it's like they are in a different world out there. I am so used to all the things that they city has that I find it extremely difficult to comprehend how people can be happy living there, don't they ever want to go out there. But the truth is, they are happy and perhaps they also couldn't understand why we want to live in a polluted city.
Got home from our Bandung-Lembang trip to the news of the earthquake and tsunami. The tv stations kept on broadcasting the news and it was evident that the disaster was extremely bad. I remember telling my mom why Aceh is always sad. They had all these rebels and fights going on there, people were killed and chased out of their homes and now they had to be drown by this tsunami. Unbelievable. I don't get it and I don't understand but I guess God has His own plan. It's hard to make sense of all these. When you're in such a dire situation, it is difficult to truly believe that God has it all in His plan (I know because I'd been in such situation before). We can only hope that we could last that long for God to show us the rainbow after the storm.
Went to Taman Anggrek, to watch Ocean's 12
again. I was alone and it was to the surprised of my buddies and parents. What to expect, the girls are working now. Ocean's 12
was awesome as I said before. I understand the story much better this time around because of the subtitle and yes it is embarrassing to admit this
Mr.Pitt was extremely handsome and cute on this movie. Hmm...Imagining how it would feel to be able to see a handsome face like that everyday like Mrs.Pitt
Went for dinner in Taman Anggrek with the girls: Dewi, Marlisa, and Emilia to catch up. It had to be dinner because the girls are career women now. I salute Dewi for her sincerity in working overtime until midnight. I just can't grasp that. The girls are really people with strong characters. I must learn something from them. I don't know if I am really weak or I am just being so tired of having to be strong all this while. I just want to be able to relax and be happy *sigH*
What else? The not so interesting ones were: I went to Roxy Square with my mom, very quiet there. I went there again another day and had my hair cut. Went to Taman Anggrek with mom for a little shopping (very little). Had dinner in "Ekaria" with my cousin and her parent. Talked to Meylyana and Rista (they were both in Jakarta). Rista's nephews kinda bugged me in the phone
Met Dian (a friend from primary school) on the bridge on my way home from TA. Met Liana and her mom. Didn't really met much people. Ate tang yuan
or onde-onde from SimSim. My mom didn't make any because grandpa just passed away. Watched grandpa burial ceremony vcd, it was very interesting. SimSim also fulfilled my request and made me kue celepon
For New Year's Eve, I basically didn't do anything interesting and special like all the previous years. I'm not interested in partying anyway (ever). I don't know why, new year kinda make me feel on the gloomy and reflective side, because you are getting older and it's just such a huge reminder of things in the past. Anyway, had a barbecue dinner in SimSim's house. It was her idea. The chicken were good. It was good to be able to get together again, though there weren't much of us there.
Had the drama unfold for me. I was expecting that. Should I feel sad? I guess I should. I should feel "prihatin" or concerned I guess, but I kinda feel all the things were pretty ridiculous. To perhaps bring you out of confusion a bit, let me just tell you that there's a Rasputin liked character involved. Let's hope that the family didn't go down in history the way the Czar family did. Well, at least I think "my team" are in "I don't give a damn" mode so we kinda don't want to do anything but wait for time to reveal everything
Sad, it is sad but we can still joke about it. I made a joke to my mom that we should sell our story to people who make "sinetron" (sinema elektronik = electronic cinema) or tv soap. Really, the story is like a tv soap, even more dramatic. You may find it hard to believe. If it didn't happen to me I wouldn't believe it myself, but this thing actually happen
Okay enough said about that. Menepuk air di dulang terpercik muka sendiri
so I better shut up.
My trip back was bad. The plane was so full. The plane even waited in idle for some minutes in the runway. I don't know what ever for. There were some heavy turbulence. The most annoying part was that, there were no meal, only a drink!!! To think that I paid more to travel in such a plane to be treated in a budget airline fashion. I think even budget airline is not that stingy. Not just that, water was dripping from the ceiling to my seat!!! And the water wasn't even clear, it's yellowish like it had some rust in it, disgusting right??? That and can we add that I was feeling depressed. Oh yeah, I must start with the good bye part with my mom. I wanted to cry and tears were forming in my eyes. I tried my best not to cry but I kinda feel that my mom cried too. It really is getting more difficult to leave home. Today I am exactly what my mom said I shouldn't be. Gosh, should avoid topic about mom 'cause I can feel that tears are forming in my eyes.
Found out a funny thing about a certain someone today. The person may not think it to be funny but I kinda feel it is. We are still pretty much living in a traditional society so people sometime hide things that they think is out of the society norm. The westerner may not give a damn about it but it turns out Asian like this person I know really care and man she really gives a damn about it. I like to say that I would just come clean with everything and would not hide anything if I were in that situation but I have to admit that it was difficult to do so.
Okay, gotta stop talking now. God please help me, please. If You bring me to it, You will bring me through it right? Or is it time? Maybe this is the sign I'm asking for? Okay I won't budge anymore, I think. Just help me God.
:) eKa @ 1:08:00 PM •