When The Emotions Betray The Facts

Hello guys, how are you doing? It's been while since I last wrote. I didn't actually feel like writing but there's only a few days left in this month and if I don't write, it'll be perhaps the first month ever that I didn't write anything and somehow I don't think that's right. Since I'm not taking any language classes now, I'm also not getting any practice to write anything based on my opinion though I still write in my diary, but those are like little 1-2 pages. So I thought it's important that I get on with it lest my skill in writing and expressing my opinion fades away, not that I am any good to begin with or captivating in any sense whatsoever. Isn't it crazy that the first month of 2013 is finishing soon. It feels like time flies by so fast and that makes me feel sad to realize that it's been another month that I live my life in perpetual sadness. That is actually the reason why I haven't written anything. My mental state is in shamble.

The title of the post explains how what I feel all the time betrays the fact about my life. When I look at it, all through last year until now, my life is actually great and I am one lucky person. When my cousin visited me in November, she said something along the line that she wished she had had my life which I actually feel many people would wish for. After watching Homeland and Silver Linings Playbook and loving them because of the bipolar crazy characters, I wrote in my diary that it would be great if there's something really wrong with me in the head or in the gene to explain why I feel what I feel because I really don't get it. I don't understand why I can't be happy. This month I found out something really good and unexpected. I totally didn't expect it and it was something really good beyond believe. Under a normal circumstance, I would be jumping for joy but upon knowing it I was like shocked and in my head I was telling God, I don't understand and I didn't feel happy. I don't understand my life now.

Paulo Coelho wrote how sometime people don't think that they're worth the blessing or love they receive. I think that's where I am now. It's just I totally believe in action - reaction and when I get things which I don't think I have earned, that worries me and burdens me and makes me paranoid and all these just make me all the more unsettled. I just don't want to feel sad and I feel sad all the time. All the time. I want to feel more like me and I don't know where I am right now ... Up to that line I have written many other lines which I kept on erasing because they always take a dark turn and I don't want to put them here, so let's just drop this subject and talk about things which have been filling my life.

Let's start with TV. So I wrote about me getting hooked with Honey Boo Boo. When I had watched their first season last year and all my usual tv series went on a break in December, I thought I needed to put some brainy things into my head and off I went to start on Homeland and how I love it a lot. It's painful having to wait until later this year for their new season. I recommend all of you to watch Homeland. Before I started, I knew that the theme was about a newly recovered PoW who may or may not have been turned by Al Qaeda. This PoW was played by Damian Lewis whom I love from Band of Brothers which I watched during my (and his) younger days back in NUS, like more than 10 years ago. His character was my favorite then. Across from Damian Lewis, there's this brilliant CIA agent who happens to be bipolar, played by Claire Danes. She's also awesome in her role. There have been 2 seasons now and I think the first half of season 2 were the best parts of Homeland so far. It got me gasping oh my God, and what?!? a lot. Along with moments like when I turned to my imaginary friend who occupies my room with me saying out loud, the CIA use skype??? The ending of season 2 still managed to shock me when Al Qaeda released a certain video. Going ahead, I'm not sure how they can make the plot just as riveting as it has been so far. However they have smart people writing the story so far, so maybe they'll manage to twist something. At the very least, I hope Rupert Friend will come back. It's weird that I never know he exists before this. He's Keira Knightley's ex-boyfriend and he's like the more handsome and more badass (boosted by his character in Homeland) version of Orlando Bloom. I love seeing him. I have refrained from giving any more detail so that it doesn't ruin your viewing pleasure when you decide to watch it. I myself stopped myself from reading any recap or synopsis before I went through my Homeland binge.

Currently I am binging on Breaking Bad. I know I'm so late in watching this. I still remember clearly, me and Gascoigne sitting in the canteen at the park and he was telling me to watch Breaking Bad and he told me that it's so good, it's about this chemistry teacher who got cancer who decided to make drugs to leave money for his family. My reaction to that was that it's dumb but then there I was trying to find something to replace Homeland, and so I decided to give Breaking Bad a chance. Seriously it's not a funny tv series or anything. It's pretty dark and violent, but I found myself laughing on some parts even from the pilot. Then I got hooked more because of Aaron Paul who plays the ex-student of the chem teacher whom the chem teacher roped into the partnership since he was kinda in the business. Aaron Paul is handsome and that's a huge reason why I like watching this. He's like the skinnier version of Ryan Gosling. Man, he can play Ryan Gosling's drug dealer in Half Nelson :P Aside from the good look, he actually does really well playing his character. I see his character as a child actually. I am still in season 2 and perhaps I'll see some growth in his character later on. It's just right now, I find it really funny that this is a guy who dares to make drugs and sell them and yet at the same time he's not so bright and unable to think things through more. I kinda expect one to be smarter if one is living such a risky life, but I guess that's kinda the point that his character is just not mature yet. It's an interesting tv series but I like it less than Homeland. Watching Homeland, my eyes were glued to the screen. Watching Breaking Bad, I sometime do it while crocheting.

So that's tv. I have watched some movies since the last time I wrote. I watched Les Miserables. Wow, that's a real musical. I think only less than 10 very short lines were spoken not sung. On My Own is still a song which I love dearly ever since the first time I heard it when Katie Holmes sang it in Dawson's Creek. I remembered thinking it was really stupid when Javert jumped to his death and then a split second later I felt surprised that I thought that way. Then I watched Arbitrage and Richard Gere was charming there and even though his character wasn't a really nice one, I love how the movie ends. Then as mentioned, I watched Silver Linings Playbook which I watched because of Bradley Cooper. I love the movie perhaps because of how I'm feeling now, I just have a soft spot for crazy people. Then there's the Gangster Squad which I watched because of Ryan Gosling. Maybe it's just me but I thought he sounded different in this movie, more childlike, perhaps to fit his character which wasn't really the serious one. Then I watched Cloud Atlas which I really really really love. I read a review that the movie doesn't work as well as the book because of the structures but I think it was really good that I wonder if I will enjoy the book as much. I'm contemplating if I will get the book. Perhaps I will. Currently I am reading The Java Man, a book written by an American who's living in Bali. For the first time in my long life here in Singapore, I borrowed a book from the library. I realize that I don't like it though. I don't like that the books are not physically as nice as I want them to be. I actually wanted to borrow a different book but there was only the big hard cover version of the book I wanted :( We'll see, maybe I'll continue this. I don't exactly have a lot of space to store books even if I want to. Anyways, today I watched Zero Dark Thirty. It was really interesting. I noticed that some of the maps that were shown used by them seemed like a print out of google maps, which made me wondered, really? the CIA just use google map? Also the main character said that she worked for the CIA for 12 years and she was recruited after high school. That would mean that she's like in her early 30 when she helped bring down Osama Bin Laden. It's an awesome achievement. I'm 30 and I definitely haven't done anything awesome :( Anyway, I was actually in Paris when President Obama announced that they got Osama Bin Laden. It was in the morning and I just got out of the shower when Mau told me what was on tv. It was in french and she funnily said she confirmed that the word "tuer" means to kill. It was a good day for America, I remember seeing the tv showing so many people in front of the white house being all joyful. Unfortunately recent news have shown that terrorism is pretty much alive. Anyways, so there you go, my post for the month of January.

:) eKa @ 8:10:00 PM • 0 comments