Thursday, February 09, 2023

Chill to Unchill

The title is from a line one of the characters in The Bear said. The Bear is a TV series which I am currently watching. It tells a story of a high class chef who went to take over a modest sandwich shop belonging to his family. He had to deal with existing staff who have their own system but not necessarily in his level of professionalism, the shop being in debt, his brother's death - it's a lot. There's a lot of shouting going on and that gets me tired watching them, but I do like it a lot. For a comedy drama, it's actually pretty heavy but I guess I just have a soft spot for people who have internal struggles, like the chef. I think he needs a hug :( In the same vein of TV series making me feel tired watching them is The Offer which I completed before this. It tells the story of the making of The Godfather. It was really interesting seeing people who were pretty much nobody back then tried to make a movie that would become legendary under a lot of constraints like budget, actual mafia putting pressure to get this movie shut down, and higher bosses with their pressures and dumb ideas. Seeing the troubles they had to go through, especially the producer, I got tired watching it. It's like every episode it's a whole new shit to be dealt with, like nothing was going right. It was also interesting that there's only 1 producer on this movie and he was really going crazy solving problems. Compare that with these days where you will see many names listed as producers in a movie. On another note, one thing that I actually really wanted to watch was The Last of Us which I thought I could watch back home, but somehow I missed the schedule of episode 1 re-run. What I managed to watch was episode 2 which opened in Indonesia with Christine Hakim and all speaking in Indonesian. It filled me with feelings :D Later I found out that it wasn't shot in Indonesia due to COVID. It does feel like a bit of fake Indonesia, but still good of them for trying to make things authentic. I didn't finish watching the whole episode because I haven't watched the first episode. I'll try to catch up after I finish The Bear.

Alright, is that opening paragraph interesting enough than my usual "woe me" writing? 'Cause as usual, I have nothing much to report. Now back in Singapore after Chinese New Year break, I am back to just trying to survive - and yes, I'm gonna call it Chinese New Year instead of Lunar New Year. Why? Because the way my family celebrate or observe it is by following our Chinese tradition, albeit Chinese Indonesian perhaps. Chinese New Year went okay I guess. First time it's fully celebrated after 2 years. 2 years ago, my dad hadn't passed 1 year since his death, so we couldn't celebrate Chinese New Year and there was COVID anyway. Then last year COVID was still around so going home for me wasn't feasible and my mom also didn't feel like accepting visitors, so there wasn't much of a celebration. This year I finally could make it home. It's definitely a different Chinese New Year moving forward. My dad is not around anymore. My brother has gotten married and has moved out, so for prayers there was just me and my mom though I think it becomes a new tradition now that my uncle and cousins would come to pray for my dad too. Other than that, it's more or less like years before. Finally get to see some cousins again. Quite a lot of my cousins' kids are getting married and I'm like darn these young kids are also more successful in this than me. Honest to God, I ponder about this a lot, though I know I shouldn't because it'll just get me sad. Speaking of love, the taxi driver who drove me from the airport to home happened to once lived near my neighbourhood and so we got to talking throughout the ride. He has a tragic story about how his fiancée died. It still weighs heavily on him even though it's been years. I feel sorry for him, for the way the thoughts about the accident still come to haunt him and how he still feels troubled about it all - again me and people with internal struggles, I feel for these people. I really do hope that the thoughts in his head could find a way to quiet down a bit and he could find his happiness too.

Anyways as always, getting the chance to talk to family and friends back home is always good. It's like a snap back to a different reality, a different way of living, or being reminded to this other reality of my life that I'm only reminded when I get home because back in Singapore I'm in my head way too much. I'm not saying this reminder is gonna last because when I'm back in survival mode here, I quickly descend back into the dark hole of despair - within days I tell you. Like, I had to tell myself one night when so many thoughts ran all over my head that I think too much *sigh* In day to day life, I really am just trying to keep it together and not collapse.

:) eKa @ 10:16:00 PM • 0 comments