Nasib

Nasib is the Indonesian word which means fate. When an Indonesian says something like, well, nasib, it's like implying something not so nice that happens which should just be accepted. I think that's the connotation of the word nasib that one feels the need to add the word baik at its end like nasib baik to indicate a good thing that happens.

So what's this has to do with what happens to me? Well who knew that this year I will have to experience 2 major changes in life. Since the year hasn't ended yet and if you're using the chinese calendar, this year still has some mileage in it and that means there's still time for things to hit me. So the change that I had to endure that caused me to write such emotional post the last time I wrote is I have to change my living situation :'( I actually saw it coming the day Max started living with us. Seeing it coming didn't prepare me to when it actually happened. It also happened in a way that I could never imagine. Jenny asked if I wanted to join forces with them to a bigger place. She even added that the kids love me. So that was really touching and made me think that even though I am pretty much lonely and miserable all the time, I am capable of making connection with people in meaningful ways. I had to decline the offer. One because it's far, though some may argue it's not. Two because I cannot put myself deeper into a family that isn't mine. My commitment issue runs pretty deep, as you can see. So I have no choice but to move and strike out on my own again.

Now, there is something else that could have had happened. That is of me moving back to Indonesia for good. You see, I had this plan in my head that if I turn 30 and I still have noone here, then I would move back home to be with my family because living without my family kinda sucks and I have lost so much time missing out on my family memories and my parents are not actually getting younger. If you think that requirement of being 30 and single is stupid, you're not the only one. I remember Gascoigne thinking that it was stupid thinking on my part. I'd love to think he just wants me around but I think he just likes to disapprove anything I says. Combined this with the thought that if Jenny should ever kick me out, I would rather pack my stuff to go home rather than to move to another place. The packing is a killer. Alas I couldn't do that because change #1 happened before I knew I have to move. Maybe God still has plan for me here in Singapore? I don't know but since my family / my parents do not like quitter, I have no choice but to stay and deal with this change.

It was a really depressing change. Financially I have to pay S$250 more on this new room. There are cheaper rents in Europe than what we have to pay here in Singapore. Then I have to deal with the darn agent which I loathe despite of her trying to be all sweet with me. Then there's the packing. My God! I actually threw away many of my text books that I had carried with me since my NUS days. It's crazy to think that back when I was a student, we moved like every 4-5 months, every end of terms. I ended up deciding to just live with boxes and didn't bother to unpack. I've done this many times before but I just broke down this time around. I was feeling depressed about this move for many different reasons. The last time I had to do this, it was like I was voted off by the tribe, so I had much anger and hatred which kinda still linger ever so slightly. That fueled me to just move on. This time around, I just don't want to leave my existence to a more expensive place, in a place which is less strategic, and all in the midst of life which is not going well. I was really really feeling depressed. I was trying to control myself to not burst into tears anytime anywhere which I was prone to do. I was stressed out about many things.

This brings me to a point which I would just like to make despite of me perhaps should just not. I cannot believe how self-centered people can be. Why don't they have empathy? Quoting Wikipedia, Someone may need to have a certain amount of empathy before they are able to feel compassion. Compassion! Why are they not showing me any? Why don't they care? Like Dewi for example. I wonder if we haven't been termed "best friends", if I would consider her to be a good friend. I gave this long explanation to her and some other people that I am stressed out and depressed. I used the word depressed and they just gave me a one line response after the many lines of explanation that I gave and darn do they check up on me from time to time? No, they came to me with their own trivial stuff. Dewi came to me to ask for help with english stuff without even asking how I am doing and she's not the only person doing this. Seriously? What if I have jumped off a bridge or something. Will you not feel guilty if you look at the message history that you've been blabbing on and on about yourself and your silly things when one of your so-called friend had said she's depressed? All this just add to all the negativity that I feel. Though not all has been that bad. There's someone who asked if I'm alright but then it was weird since we didn't actually talk the last time around, I couldn't possibly be pouring my deepest concerns now. Then there's my cousin, Yen Lisa, who did check up on me and gave me encouraging words like my mom, but I was just really in such a deep depression hole that it was hard to lift myself up.

Someone who was really nice was La Gioia. She actually asked me to let her know if I need help with the moving. I didn't ask her because she lives far away. I was really touched that she offered help. I have this tendency to not want to owe people anything but in the end I decided to just swallow my pride and just asked for help. I asked YeeMaggio and her dad if they would help and they helped me today and I am really really grateful. Overall today went much better than I could have expected. Jenny was all zen about it and was really nice to me. Didn't see it coming! She paid all my deposit back which I truly appreciated despite of me confessing of things which are broken. It was truly weird that yesterday there was just clarity and courage in my head and heart to just confess to her considering the fear of her which has been bugging me for weeks. The money was great to have back really because I don't want to touch my other saving. My dear mother offered me money some weeks back to try to make me feel better after I was crying (again) on the phone with all my stress. I don't know if she ever realized I was crying. She didn't know what she could do to make things better for me so she threw money at me. I felt like crying when I saw her text, not because I was touched, but because I realized that money will not solve all my agony and all I wanted was just for people to be there, physically there for me, to help me with everything and I have noone :'( So that's how depressed I was.

Anyway so that's one problem which is over now. I really don't want crazy things to happen again God, please :'( So anyway my new landlady happens to be named Jenny too. I shall refer to her as Jenny 2.0. She seems nicer than Jenny and tried her best to make me feel comfortable. She was surprised to see I have so much stuff and that made me feel embarrassed. Max was around when I left but he was sleeping so we didn't say goodbye. I actually heard him coming in early this morning. We didn't have a proper goodbye and it's a pity but strangely I wasn't too bummed out about it. He said I would feel lonely without him and I told him that he would too. Who else will he asks to talk about tv series and stuff, like the state of France right now. Oh the crazy thing he could spring on me. The one memorable conversation he brought up was about Jew, immigrants, and his opinion on the state of France right now. It was so weird and random that I actually gave some time to have this discussion with him. He said he was responding to me telling him that he doesn't read and doesn't have much things in his head :P I still think his arguments were flawed though. He thinks Marine Le Pen has the most correct vision for France and I happened to think she's rather racist. I will truly miss manipulating his brain and talking about tv and stuff. With The Walking Dead back for its new season, we would have had great discussion. Our last talk was actually bitching about Jenny which made me feel rather bad now since Jenny was uber nice when I was leaving. I have to say the niceness felt really weird and I know that's very bad of me to be saying that. I feel totally thankful to God that it ends well and since she was so nice, I really do have to come to their housewarming that she promised she would invite me to. Mom insists that I do not cut ties with them too so yeah ... It's been a long post. For some reason, I didn't sleep last night. I hope I do tonight. Hope I will feel better and things will be better, please God, please. Take care peeps! Buonanotte!

:) eKa @ 11:19:00 PM • 0 comments

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