Wednesday, March 31, 2021
When I buy banana, I always look for the ones in a bunch of 4 and preferably rather green because I'm the only person who will eat them and I eat them over the course of the 4 days, so it shouldn't be overly ripe by day 4. Yes, I am that sad; I eat the bananas from the state that it's hard to peel and tasteless to the point were the skin has turned giraffe like and accumulated maybe too much sugar. It's all very calculated; the group of 4 with a starting light green colour would generally give me a good range of different stages of banana, but then there were times when the supermarket stocks really green green banana that it's not that edible yet. On days like that, I got it anyway because I don't want to go back to the supermarket the next day, but then I would only start eating it the next day and to eat on the day, I got 1 single banana. These are bananas that either have somehow fallen out of the group or were turning yellow and the staff pick them apart so that they can be sold separately. It's very yellow and sometime not that pretty. The sign would say something like, pick me, I'm single! I would then illogically grow a soft sport for them on account on us being the same, alone and ripe and unwanted, left in the basket. So I'd be like, I will choose you single banana, though I am still choosy about the one I would take :D I'm also not all that generous either; when I found out that they're 65 cents a piece, I was like you're still expensive for a banana that may get thrown away (gosh I do hope they won't end up in the rubbish bin, I hope unsold ones will be given for free to the staff or other people), but then I thought, no you're right. So what that you're alone and all ripe, you're still worth your value. Yes, I am projecting way too much of myself into this single banana.
This being March is my birthday month. Turn 39 this year (what the fuck?!?!). Last year when the world was still normal and I went home for Chinese New Year, I met with the best friends and we're talking about maybe taking a short trip this year together, to celebrate the 3 of us being in our last year in the 30 range and Emilia turning 40. We never talk again to plan about it because what can you talk about. It's still not smart to do unnecessary travel though I know many people and Indonesians have done that. Also on a normal circumstances, it's not like borders are easily accesible for Indonesians, so many dreadful paperwork for visa and all. Now during the pandemic, where can we go really? Though if you are in Indonesia, apparently people are still doing domestic tourism. Anyways, birthday always gets me down on account that I'm still stuck but turning 39 feels more depressing because being stuck is not totally true, the age is climbing. Yeah age is just a number but with that age, there's no denying that physically your body is degrading and things that you really want to do maybe forever be closed for you. Looking back as I am ending my 30s, I do see that perhaps my 30s is the decade where I do not do much. Let me break it down:
0-10: I was born, learned how to read and write, arithmetic - pretty much learning how to be a functioning human. There are extreme changes from when you were born to when you're 10, so that's an accomplishment.
11-20: completed elementary school, junior high school, high school and got accepted into a university and moved to a different country. I would say that's quite a life changing moment though now looking back, it's a whole lot of education, yes? The only decade in my life when I was all in institutionalized education.
21-30: graduated from the university, started to do what most adults in the world have to do to survive (I refuse to talk about this), also started to do things that I wanted to do for myself like learning new languages and travelled alone for the first time. The travelling alone is quite life changing as well because I feel it's really building me into someone who is just capable of doing things on my own.
31-40: I have nothing here really. It's all life as usual. Not to say that it doesn't come with its life changing moment as well. Dad died. So that happened. As for things that I did or accomplished, nothing really. Nothing new, not to say the usual stuff is not great, like the travelling have been a blessing, but as accomplishment and all that, I have nothing. It feels like same old same old :(
I still have 1 more year in the 30s, so maybe a good massive thing would happen, but as with anything, I don't have a lot of confidence :( I really don't feel like going on and on like this :( Yes, I am spiralling and yes I know that I'm putting arbitrary deadlines on what should be achieved when and time is a construct, but still, as I march on and try to be okay, I'm just not that okay. I guess it doesn't help that along with the restlessness and anxiety, physically my body has been breaking down everywhere. I'm really am tired and many days I'm still not sleeping. I pray for something good, for good days unlike these ones, but here I am repeating a life I should be grateful for, but not necessarily want to do.
:) eKa @ 11:57:00 AM • 0 comments
Friday, March 12, 2021
I finished reading Girl, Woman, Other by Bernardine Evaristo. I'm really quite slow now in reading due to the lack of discipline. Anyways, I mentioned this book before in one the posts; it's basically a collection of stories of women, mostly of colour, in the UK. The characters are connected in one way or another though the stories pretty much stand alone. I like the book though on some of the stories, I feel like I want to learn more and yet the stories just end there. All the women in the stories have their struggles - rape, racism, patriarchy that's dismissive towards women, poverty, gender and sexuality, and plain old young adults trying to figure themelves out. I have become cynical of young adults with all their "passion and energy", I guess because I feel more and more less young.
One of the character in the story is non-binary, I think. I'm not sure. I don't think s/he's transgender and they use they as their pronoun, so non-binary? This is my issue. Brace for what's perhaps an intolerant opinion. I fully understand if you're physically born male and feel like a female and vice versa. I also get if you don't feel like male or female 100% and more like in between or feel more like a combination of both which is what I understand non-binary to be. All those are fine, but then with non-binary I do not like the pronoun "they" for them because why are you plural? You're still a single person and I get that "it" will be condescending, but whenever I read "they" to describe a single person, it's very disorienting. I know, why should they sacrifice for my benefit, but then the same argument can be made, why should people like me sacrifice for your benefit? I have to admit that I also roll my eyes at what I think is a trend of "common" people (I cannot use normal, right) who like to state what their pronoun should be on their bio. Like what?!? Why is this an issue, why does this have to be front and center? I thought we don't like label. Then I also realized it's a limitation or perhaps a feature of the English language that is limiting. You use he / she / it while in Indonesian, to describe a single third person, you just use Dia which is genderless or should we still be using Mereka for non-binary people to follow the plural they in English? Again why are you oocupying multiple spaces? But then I also think that in Indonesian, most of the time and in a formal setting you need the Mrs / Mr (Ibu / Bapak) to describe an older person or a person in higher position and then what are you gonna do with non-binary people? I just googled, apparently in English, you can use Mx and it's pronounced Mixter. So in Indonesian, what are we going to do? Bupak? Pakbu? Does it matter if the Bapak comes before the Ibu? Gosh, so many things to consider to ensure it's all politically correct.
Googling also shows me that in Indonesian Bugis culture, they have long accepted people who is of a third gender. I actually have heard of this long ago. What is a third gender? I don't know; third gender and non-binary have separate Wikipedia pages though they sound kinda the same to me. Human evolves, right. I mean it's undeniable, it's science. So if human evolves from the past to now, we're definitely evolving to the future as well. I guess to be inside that evolution and seeing it, seeing how things are being raised, discussed, coming into forms or different forms and not fully getting it, you just ... you just have thoughts. Bottom line though, regardless of what the person is, always and always try to treat them with kindness and respect and I know that is a way too easy thing to say. Like it happens to many of us, when you come across someone you don't like, well fuck kindness ;) Anyways, next I am reading The Topeka School.
On other news, mom has received her first shot of the COVID-19 vaccine, oh what a relief. In Indonesia, in the midst of things not working, some things do work. My family was like registering in many places to get a slot for the vaccine. Mom was registered in 3 different places. The day before her shot, in the morning my brother received confirmation for the shot some weeks away and then in the afternoon, they received confirmation for the shot in another place for the next day and she took that appointment. So somehow things work. I was surprised because it felt sudden. Then I was even more surprised when one my good friend, Emilia, said her mother is getting her second shot next week. So somehow things can move fast in Indonesia. That being said my cousin still hasn't gotten confirmation for her parents. Anyways, all went well for mom. She had concerns because on the day of her shot, she saw that everyone were Indonesian Chinese except for one muslim girl bringing her parents. Considering the majority of Indonesians are muslims, if the take-up rate from this demographic is low, then things will not get better. I don't know if there's vaccine hesitancy or they just think the process is a hassle, having to register here and there, and the older people do not have younger people to whom they can ask to register for them online. All and all, I hope the vaccination process in Indonesia is getting more efficient and reaching more and more people. As for me, I don't know when I'm going to get my vaccine. I thought Singapore will be fast and efficient, so it is rather strange that my mom was able to get it first, but it's all good that she did.
:) eKa @ 7:30:00 PM • 0 comments
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