Addio

Today is my last day in Singapore. A part of me kinda wish it's the last day for ever. However, it's my last day for the year 2007. Unless God has other plans. I wanted a pleasant and peaceful last day. Unfortunately, it's raining, so it's not as bright as I would have liked it. I'm sneezing now. Nonetheless, I quite like my day so far. A good day for me would include a nice breakfast but I didn't really get that either. It's alright. Then I would watch a movie, which I did, National Treasure: Book of Secrets. I actually didn't watch the first one in the cinema, I watched it on TV, and I thought it's pretty cool so I was quite excited about catching the second one and I really do love it. I like the story. I like the characters. There are more character being introduced this time around. I think they're pretty good. People like Helen Mirren and Jon Voight made for such an entertainment, regardless of their characters not being so big. Nicholas Cage was interesting. There were many witty lines provided by those characters, of course the wittiest would be Riley Poole, played by Justin Bartha, as he was also in the first one. Diane Kruger was also interesting. I'm glad that the old cast were back. I love the whole treasure hunting and solving clues part though perhaps these what turn so many people off about this movie It seemed like there would be another sequel. I'll be looking forward for that.

So home is in a matter of hours. As a matter of fact, I don't have much time to write. I still have to clean my room. I'm really looking forward to be home and be released from Singapore. I had quite a torturous days leading to this day and such days will wait for me to come back. As such I was already feeling a bit gloomy yesterday thinking of the day when I have to come back to Singapore. That day seems so near. Things can be better, I suppose. Things can be good here? I guess if deep down inside you have so much unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and restlessness, you just gonna be sad no matter where you are.

Moving on, 2007. It's been quite a year. So many major things happened. I've learnt many things and experienced quite a few things. There's a lost, there's a found. There's an unexpected encounter which grow without me realizing it. I think this is the one thing which is still unsettling and unresolved as I am leaving this country. Maybe as slow as it has seeped in, it too has slowly dissipated. Maybe it's gone, maybe I didn't notice it, as I didn't notice when and how it started to be there. Every encounter had it purpose and perhaps it had done its purpose. I did smile, I did laugh, I did grin, and I was happy. Then there's the lost. The major one, Astley. Everything happens for a reason and his departure reverberates to everyone. I had to deal with a lost which I have never really dealt with before, maybe that's one thing that he wanted to teach me as well. I still think about him sometime, out of the blue. Wonder what he's doing and all. All and all, it's another year. Another year of me getting older, of me still getting frustrated with my life and worried about my life. There are many many things to be thankful about. Many many things. However, I don't want the same thing for 2008. I want something different. I want major changes with my life. It's scary but it's scarier for me if things remain the same. Please God help me move on.

I've gotta go peeps. Take care okay. Buon Natale e Felice Anno Nuovo! Addio!

:) eKa @ 2:18:00 PM • 0 comments

of Movie, Book, and Days

Hello guys, here we go.

1. *sigh* I'm not really sure where to begin. I don't know if this is the last post before I go, maybe not. Life has been busy this week. As I try to clear stuff, more stuffs are coming in and I feel like I'm still going to disappoint people. As usual, thoughts are running, jumping, flashing around uncontrollably. As I am writing this, my mind is wandering to one of the things that I must do and haven't done and I feel like I'm so gonna get into a miserable state because of this. Isn't it typical me? Always start with a complain?

2. So let's talk about other things. Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. Watched that with Vivy yesterday. Most probably our last outing this year. I watched a review of it last week and the critic said it wasn't really that amazing. She didn't like the story and she said the characters were kinda plain. I beg to differ. I like the movie so much. I love the Emporium and I wish I can visit it. The story was pretty touching as a matter of fact. Tears came to me, even from the middle of the movie, though I wasn't sobbing and all. I think Dustin Hoffman was a really good actor. His Mr. Magorium character kinda reminded me of his character, Raymond, in the Rain Man. I guess because Mr. Magorium had lots of quirkiness in him. One really fall for Mr. Magorium. He's fun and easy going. I think Natalie Portman was beautiful, nothing can be said much about her character as well as Jason Bateman's. Jason Bateman's character was the necessary skeptic in the movie. I pity his role actually, because it's so not fun. He had to be the spoil in all the fun. The one whom I felt was the one who stole the movie was Eric, the little boy. Very good kid. His expression were wonderful and one would also fall for him. He played a lonely wise little boy and you will just love him. So people, go and watch this movie. It's so much better than The Golden Compass.

3. After the movie, I had my late lunch / early dinner and there I was sitting there talking with Vivy, when I saw Eva. I was so shocked to see that she's pregnant! My God! My God! Shocked. Stunned. She was with her husband and according to her she's around 5-month pregnant with a baby boy. Goodness me. Am I right to say that most Indonesian get marry young? Maybe not. Maybe this is the right age to be married and having your first kid. To be honest, it is kinda depressing to see her pregnant, because that's another person I know moving on with life. While here I am, still talking about trivial stuffs, stuffs which should have come to me when I was younger and not now. Everything happens in its own time in everyone's life, I suppose. God is the writer of your life and as much as you can be so sure about the way your life now or so unsure about your life now, what will happen later maybe beyond that certainty or uncertainty that you have. So maybe you shouldn't stress so much. God will make you understand why it goes the way it goes? Well, I hope so God.

4. Speaking about baby, my cousin delivered her baby last night. I actually kinda wanted to see her with her big tummy and all, but apparently little Mikaela couldn't wait or couldn't really decide actually. Her mommy's water burst in the morning and yet she didn't want to get out, so her mom got a caesarean operation last night. My mom said she's beautiful. I'm looking forward to seeing her.

5. I've finished reading The Kite Runner. It's kinda fast for my standard because I kinda like so much. The words kinda flowed in easily and the word flow is really correct to describe it, because it just flow inside and I guess that's one reason why I didn't put it down much (like I do with other books) because like a stream, it has such continuity and you just get carried away with it. I brought the book everywhere with me actually. I read the most important point of the story in a bus. It was a sad one and I think I cringed with the horrible thing that happened to Hassan, I wonder if people in the bus noticed me. I read the book while I was waiting for bus, and one morning I was thinking, my goodness I started the day seeing people being stoned to death. Seeing is the exact word because I pictured it all played in my head, though with the so many violence that happened I kinda toned down my imagination. It's a really good book and I will recommend all of you who have free time to read it. I can't wait for the movie. I would love to see Hassan (whom I think is such a nice guy, sadly with very very tragic fate), Amir (whom I dislike quite a lot for his cowardice, even when it was obvious he should do the right thing), Baba, Ali, and Sohrab (whom I pictured as a very adorable little boy) and I would really want to see all the places that Amir and Hassan roamed, as described in the book. I kinda forget how I love reading and I really find that joy with this book. I can't wait to start on my next book. I'm thinking of getting something from Pramudya Ananta Toer, because I want the familiarity of knowing the things in the story. Let's see next year.

6. So I have packed. I've pretty much put in all the things that I'm gonna bring home. There's still some space, so maybe I'll put in more stuff. I've also done the responsible thing for me to do, which was to get my flu vaccine. Yeah, with that chances of me getting sick with flu is very very slim and that means I will not have much chances of being forced to stay at home and rest. I need the rest actually, but I think life is a bit too short to be spent being sick. So many things to do, so many things to try, so many thing to complete and so little time we have.

7. What else to write? Watch Asian Idol! I'm supporting Mike, simply because he's Indonesian. I think he's a good singer and he has a good chance. Unfortunately my prepaid phone doesn't allow me to vote, though I really want to I would have voted for him and Jaclyn though I think Mau from the Philippine was also another strong singer, it's just I couldn't relate to her songs much. As for Singapore's Hady Mirza, well I don't think he was as good as the three. Alrighty, we will see who will win.

8. Lastly. Sometime ago Vivy gave me a John Mayer's song, Say. I've been hearing it a lot and one morning I really listened to the lyric. I wonder if he is right because I think sometime you have to be smart in the things you say. You must think about the effect of the things that you say. I really wonder if he is right. I saw the video in youtube. The song is actually used for a movie, Bucket List. I'm so gonna watch this movie, because it seems nice and touching. Anyways, I've decided. If God gives me the chance, yes I will say all that I need to say, regardless of the effect it will bring. It has bugged me a lot in my sleep and getting it out will clear all the haze. If God's willing that is. Here's the lyric to the song.

Take out every wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take out all your so-called problems,
Better put them in quotations

.. Say what you need to say ...

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only ...

... Say what you need to say ...

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Then never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

... Say what you need to say ...

:) eKa @ 7:45:00 PM • 0 comments

of Socializing & Not Socializing

How are you peeps? I hope you are so much better than me.

I feel like I'm going to get sick. Seriously not a good time because the doctor is away. So if I do get sick, I will have to find another doctor. So meanwhile, I guess I just have to self-medicate as usual.

I'm trying to remember the things that happened this week. Monday, Tuesday were pretty plain. On Wednesday I finally accepted Carl's invitation to go drinking. I couldn't believe she actually sms the rest and announced "Eka is coming!!!". Ooh, I'm a bit embarrassed. So she ordered cranberry vodka for me (to her delight) and asked the bartender to make it light (because Eka doesn't really drink). It was really light though She was I guess stunned when I said that I didn't feel a thing, and she wanted to make it heavier. I said no. You must fight temptation, no? Anyway, it was quite nice meeting the peeps on a different setting and talking about stuff. My dinner was not bad and I love the view, really love the view. Didn't bring camera though so didn't take any picture. Carl seems optimistic that I will join them more often now, but we'll see about it. I'm skeptical I guess the only reason why I went in the first place was because I've rejected the offers for far too many time, then she left a message in my facebook insisting I should come, then I was also thinking that Rista and my cousin would most probably tell me to go as well. So I did, and yes I did enjoy myself.

Had a brain shock yesterday during morning engagement. I didn't want to do it yesterday but since the rest said it wouldn't make much difference when we do it, so democracy won. I don't think I did well and if only I had been more prepared. Of course why the heck am I stressing about this, since it doesn't matter. I guess I'm just this way.

Wanted to watch The Golden Compass but I couldn't seem to find anyone to watch it with. Made a desperate attempt and got rejected. Stupid me! Smack yourself Eka and don't ever do that again! So alone I went. I went this morning with much uneasiness. You know that thoughts that a lot of people have when the idea of watching a movie alone being brought up, they will say, "Ah? Isn't it strange? Doesn't it make you look pathetic and all?". Well those thoughts were in my head a lot and I hate that they're there. I can watch a movie alone and I think people should do it, but those thoughts were kinda paralyzing me from doing so, hence I have to asked people to accompany me. In the end, I thought come on Eka, if you can tell Osh to do it, you yourself must do it. So off I went.

I don't fancy the movie much I thought the story wasn't strong enough, many of the characters were just passing by (like Daniel Craig's character), and the ending was set to spin more money. There will definitely be a sequel because we were left hanging. Here's my thoughts of the movies. The bears were so cool! Love how they were so fierce, love it so much. I think Nicole Kidman and Eva Green were stunningly gorgeous. I've never thought of Nicole Kidman as exceptionally beautiful, but she was really stunning. I guess I didn't make a mistake during my test last time when I chose her to describe beauty. I love Daniel Craig's character daemon, and I'm thinking if I have one what will it be. It seems like it cannot be a dolphin since it should follow the human around, so must be a land animal. I kinda want a snow leopard like Daniel Craig's character because it looks so cool, but I don't think I'm that strong to carry it. So I guess I will settle with a dog but I don't know which type though. Something that can be bitchy and soft at the same time. Hhhmm...

Anyways, so that's about the movie. Did some shopping for home today, and it completed the Christmas shopping that I did yesterday. I suppose that's about it. I'm officially broke. I'm not gonna buy anything else, I have enough chocolate to cause everyone to get diabetes. Maybe I should start using my free time to pack because I may not have the time to do so.

Felt utterly lonely on my way back today. Osh was saying that he's shutting down. He asked me if I've ever felt that everything is too much. I do, I feel it all the time. In the train today, on my back, I felt perhaps not utterly lonely, utterly alone to be more exact. Alone in Singapore without anyone. Yes there are people I know here, people I call as friends, however there's that whole of being alone and being unclear in your life. Hadn't feel this for some time and today I feel it again. Days are going by and people have goals, have ... well I guess sometime they just have bills to pay and so they are so absorbed in that routine without thinking of their life purposes or their place in this earth, while I'm ... I'm ... I don't know. I don't know why these thoughts can come when my head is filled with things to complete. I guess it is good that your soul disturbs you and asks you about using your life better but as usual I have no answers and it gets really depressing because the days are flying. I am not here nor there, or anywhere else for that matter. I don't know if any of you can understand this. It's ... ah maybe it's just pms.

On other note: Andrea Bocelli's song Mi Manchi kinda captured my attention just now. Didn't really think much of it when I first heard it, but I suppose it is a nice song with Kenny G and all. What caught my attention is ... Mi manchi, mi manchi. Posso far finta di star bene ma mi manchi ... sigh, what can you do? I guess fake it 'till you make it. I need to walk away from the line.

:) eKa @ 8:30:00 PM • 0 comments

Hang On Little Tomato

The title of the post is a song title from Pink Martini. This band is not really my taste. I thought I would have liked them more, but apparently not so. The only reason the song caught my attention is because of the cute title itself.

Not having the happiest state of self right now. Well what else is new? If I say I'm tired, seriously what else is new? Carl ha detto perchè sempre stanca? Well, because of things? I slept sometime around 2 this morning. Was doing some stuff. I suppose I can be thankful to God because it wasn't as hard as I anticipated but some things are still unresolved. Hopefully they will turn out a bit painless as well. So I tried to get some sleep this morning and yet I couldn't really sleep. If you're tired, you think you can sleep well. I wasn't so lucky. I got awoken up sometime before 7 (I think). I tried my best to sleep and I ended up with weird dreams. I saw someone I hadn't met for a long time saying good bye to me. I couldn't even remember her name, but eventually I did. I hope the good bye didn't mean anything bad. Tried to have nap this afternoon as well, and again I couldn't really sleep. Thoughts just kept on forming and jumping in my head.

This morning I had to check my mail and of course I have to receive a bad email as what have been happening recently. I thought why did I have to open that mailbox. Then I thought perhaps because if I had opened it tomorrow, I would have been in a worse mental state. After I opened it today, I was sad and upset but then after I mulled it over, well I can't really find the English word for it. Surrender is not really the correct word, but the Indonesian word to describe how I feel is pasrah. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going and I don't want to be a weakling, so I suppose I have to really get going. To try at least. I guess I should just remember that maybe it's what God wants me to get through. I guess I should just stop thinking about the unfairness and how things are beyond me, because as written in my msn nickname, if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. So in God we trust.

On other news, the Japanese auntie decided to call it the day. It was kinda surprising. I didn't go to her place on her last day but I did have my last udon. It's sad because even she moves on but I may get to see her again. I did see her again after NUS, so maybe after this I will pleasantly stumble to her again someday. Talking about NUS, had the chance to have lunch in YIH this week. I saw the YIH uncle! I couldn't really remember what he does actually, the YIH canteen manager? We used to meet him in church as well. I asked, "Do you remember me?". He said, "Why not?". The truth is none of use know each other names but we remember each other, remember that each other were parts of our days in the past and I felt kinda good with that. Being in NUS brings lots of memories to me. I miss it so much, it was fun and carefree. It feels a bit cruel and happy at the same time that the old Kent Ridge Hall still stands, except for the bridge. Happy because I love that place and I miss it so much. Cruel because I couldn't help thinking about the times we spent there, about the people, and there will be flashes like shadow about us in our younger days. Happy carefree days which are so different with what I have now, which I would most probably never have again. The carefree part especially.

Had a talk with eeYORe this week. He was surprised because I was cursing very badly in my msn nickname. So unlike me, he said. Talked about my relationship, or the lack of it. I was quite surprised with his comments. I told him, I wouldn't have expected him to comment that way, he of all people. I admit I start to get worried if I think about relationship and such, but with so many things requiring my attention, this is one thing that I just have to push behind, way way back behind. Anyway, it was really good talking to eeYORe again. I wish I can have the chance to live a different kind of life, be in a different place like him. I guess if I want it, I should make it, like what he said long ago.

So it's around 3 weeks to home, less than that actually. So many things to do, I wonder if I can do them all or if they will be adding weight to my thoughts which have been lingering for awhile. I guess I can still be thankful again, because God the kind one gives me a treat again. Found out yesterday that I will have solitude for 1 week. That is so good because when I'm gloomy I just really want to be alone. People may wonder what's the difference, you are alone most of the time anyway? The whole idea knowing that you are really really alone physically makes a difference for me. I love it. I can see me talking less to people in the near future, because as what I have realized some people just preferred to be listened to instead of listening. Oh well...take care peeps.

If the Mr is reading this, which I kinda doubt he will, can you please let me know that you are alive? I'm kinda worried a bit, I don't like bad news.

:) eKa @ 9:11:00 PM • 0 comments

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