I Demand To Know What This All Mean

Hello peeps. It's been awhile since I last wrote. It's not like there weren't things that I didn't want to say. Well yeah nothing interesting happened in my life but I did have moments which got me having a soliloquy in my head. I guess in those moments, I just let the moments pass without straight away going to blogger and publish what I thought and as those moments passed, I found myself not wanting to talk about the situation anymore or not feeling that the situation was worth talking about the first time around. It's like taking a step back after the initial reaction to something and not feeling so strongly about what happened anymore after some time. I guess that's what it is. I'm not sure if it's a good thing to bottle up that much sentiments in but this blog is always about what half that bottle contains.

My last post talked about a decision that I had to make. Well let's just say that the situation is evolving and at this point, I'm not sure where it's going. There's a lot of waiting and things that I don't understand that I feel like shouting, "I demand to know what this all mean". You see, the dreamy side of me likes to find reason or connection in something. Like, oh this meant to happen because of this and that. However such connection or impact of something in life will be hard to discern because only God has the full picture of anything. They say the flapping wings of a butterfly can cause a hurricane in other part of the world, but for the person who sees that butterfly flapping its wings, it takes a whole lot of imagination to link that to a hurricane somewhere. Okay, perhaps in this day and age, just a google search. I guess the self-centered me try to rationalize what happens in relation to me when instead it's perhaps about other people, not me.

It's like last week, I got a flu that just didn't go away despite of me self-medicating myself dilligently and another thing which was more serious that brought me down really bad :( Anyway, so on Monday I had to march myself to the doctor and so on the way there, wiping my nose, I wanted to scream, "I demand to know what this all mean". Side note: that happened after I wanted to scream "I hate this place" when I was in the toilet (I truly hate that toilet). So there were many questions that could run in my head, but that was what I had. Perhaps it wasn't about me, perhaps I had to be at the train at a particular time to infect someone else and so I was needed to start the chain of events. Perhaps also it was needed for me so that I could share a moment with Max when he kindly cleaned up the mess I created when I spilled my soup that I hadn't had the chance to eat all over the table and floor. Man! I wanted to cry there and then because life was just sucky at that moment and because he was there being so kind and all, I didn't. So I guess there were just that kind of things which you may not realize the effects of something you did or just by being present. However I guess the not knowing what all those things mean kinda drives me crazy. I guess it's most felt in a difficult situation. You kinda want to be comforted that there's a greater reason for what's happening, that this needs to happen for something in the future but that chain of events will be never ending and as I said, it may not be about you. Anyways, I am thankful for antibiotic this week. It totally helped me with the other thing which I didn't mention to my doctor because I was just in a denial about having to face it, but I am better now in that area so thank God.

On other more common me in life, the last movies I watched were The Dictator and Madagascar 3. The Dictator had its shares of boobs and penis. The humour is crude, typical Sacha Baron Cohen, but in a twisted way I found him to be pretty brilliant in his humour :P As for Madagascar 3, I wasn't that excited to watch it but since YeeMaggio asked me out, I thought alright. For the first time, I realized that the penguins were so cool and they're the coolest characters there. So intelligent and capable. They're totally my favourite characters of the gank now. By the way, Spider-Man 3 is on tv now and my God, James Franco is so handsome!

I've also finished reading The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern, the book I mentioned in the last post. I did pretty good, I finished it in less than 1 month. I like it so much that I even slowed down the last few pages because I didn't want it to end. It's a really nice book and I found myself so captivated and it got me thinking that the last time I was this absorbed was with Harry Potter. I didn't like the ending much but I will always respect how the authors want their stories to end. There's 1 mention of Indonesia in the book when the author was describing how the shadows in one of the circus tent is like the shadow puppet show in Indonesia. I was glad that she used the Indonesian reference for this when perhaps there are other countries which have similar culture, or claim to be the original country of that culture ;) Anyway when I saw that word, it was like a bonus and it felt that it's like fate this book came my way. Yeah, I am dramatic that way. So I hope they'll make a movie out of this book and I kinda believe they will. I even has some ideas on who the actors should be. One of the characters I like the most is Marco and since he's british, I thought Matthew Lewis who played Neville Longbottom in the Harry Potter movies will be perfect for it. Well perhaps he's too young for it but since he's so handsome now, I think he'll be kinda good for it. Then I was also thinking Hugh Laurie for the role of Prospero the Enchanter. Then Hero Fiennes-Tiffin who played child Voldemort can be Bailey. Then Lost's Sayid can be Chandresh. Poppet and Widget will be hard. I thought the girl in the animated movie Brave is what Poppet will be like. The other main character other than Marco, Celia, is rather hard to cast for me :P I think Chloë Moretz perhaps can fit that character, if not perhaps she can do Isobel, but she is very very young. Anyways, really looking forward for the movie.

So I got myself a new book today. Went to Kinokuniya. I actually had a hard time deciding on a book. I found a book Jaipong Dancer which drew me because it's a non-Indonesian who wrote about this Indonesian culture. So that's admirable. In the end, I settled with Lord of the Flies by William Golding who once won the Nobel prize in literature. I have to say that factor was a real draw in getting the book. I hope it's good, well I guess it will be. I can only hope it's my taste and I'll like it.

I don't think I have written anything interesting though this post has been running long. As I said, nothing interesting happened in my life. I can only hope that things will get better for me and be more beautifu. Even so I think I am taking the more pessimistic and defensive approach in things, I normally pray so that God will protect me and shield me from bad things. I hope that is not the case for you and your life is going gloriously awesome. Take care peeps. Buonanotte!

:) eKa @ 9:52:00 PM • 0 comments

Seeking the Soul

I'm not having a relaxing weekend this week. I have to make a decision and it's a very hard one. Before I elaborate more (as much as I can elaborate here), let's go through certain things in my head.

My french class has been one of the things in my week that I like the most. Yeah waking up and heading out to class on a Saturday morning still is kinda hard, especially when days like this morning when it rained. However, it's the place where I feel I can be the most me in my week. We talk about stuff and I get to ask myself how I feel about things. So a few weeks ago, me and XF registered ourselves for the next and last class, advanced 8. I can't believe we reach this state. I started 3 years ago. I remembered it quite clearly because I attended my beginner class for a few weeks on a friday evening and I skipped class to go on my first trip to Italy. So anyway, we have passed 3 years, and it's crazy. I did have some thoughts on what I want to do after I finish this whole thing. Of course there were other classes you can take to improve the fluency of your french which I have to admit that unfortunately I don't have. I was always thinking that I will take a break and go back to Italian class for 1-2 sessions to make sure they don't disappear and after that see what I want to do with my french education. Then it's somewhat decided that me and XF and now FL too, we would take DELF preparatory class so that we can take the DELF exam in December. My thought on that was like, wow December? So I will still be (have to still be) in Singapore in December? This is just the year, the year when I really question my whole existence in this country.

Come July 2, 2012, I would have been in this country for 12 years and that's a long time. It's one cycle of the Chinese calendar. I went from a dragon year to another dragon year. You can't help thinking what you have done (achieved) in that span of 12 years and the state of where you are now. I have had the opportunity to do quite a lot (according to me) in my 12 years here. Some of the major accomplishment are that I learn 2 new languages and I crossed many things in my life list. Then of course I also see the things that I haven't done, especially compared to my peers, those friends back from schools. As much as I am missing stuff, like the husband and the kids, I realize that I wouldn't have done all the things that I managed to do like the travelling if I have had them. So in a way, it's the give and take in your life, the one that perhaps God realizes more suited for me, hence certain things fall the way it falls. Then comes the ultimate question of, are you happy? Doesn't happily ever after come on a day to day basis? Well today, yesterday, and the weeks, and the months before, I haven't been pretty happy in life :( This leads to the argument people make, then change your life, get away from the things that make you unhappy or do not make you happy and just be happy. Do note that a thing may not bring you happiness but it does not necessarily make you unhappy, get it? Something can just make you feel nothing, it doesn't bring you happiness. Something can make you unhappy, it just sucks. Writing that, now I am thinking how best to describe how I feel. I guess things don't bring me happiness, hence I feel nothing and over prolong exposure of this feeling nothing, I start to feel unhappy because I feel life shouldn't be like this, I feel like my life can be filled with more things, meaningful things.

So with that, certain things seem to be clear regarding to the decision that I have to make this weekend. However, then it turns out there's 1 thing that makes this decision not as easy as I thought it would be. The more time I have to think about this over and over, the more I have a hard time to choose A over B. This is despite of my cousin, Marlisa, having written really nice, logical, encouraging words of advice. It struck me as very disappointing that it is not easy for me, that despite of the obvious unhappiness that I feel, I was willing to sacrifice my happiness for something else which people throughout history have said does not bring happiness. Of course perhaps there's the additional reason that I'm just being a chicken, scared of the change. I told my mom that I may have the courage to travel somewhere alone, but certain things just scare me a lot. There is the right decision and I know what that is and I cannot believe my soul is having a hard time to do what is right. Then there's the rationalization that perhaps it's not a decision to be made now, that it's not the time yet. I don't know about this because I prayed and God gives me this decision to make. I feel God is asking me, what is important Eka? Again, I am rather embarrassed that the answer is not an easy one. I feel very very torn. Right now, I feel like I'm tilting to the wrong side. I do not know what will happen to me if I decide on the wrong one. I wonder what kind of consequences from God that I have to endure later in the future, though I believe regardless of what happen God will never abandon me. I am scared. However, feeling scared means that you're doubting that God has your back. I believe the phrase, If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. I also believe following in what God lays for you can only lead you to wonderful things. So this inclination to this dark side make me feel even more guilty. I do not know if I will have clarity on this. I don't think this is something that I can ask God to make clear for me, I feel this is the time when God asks me what is the right thing Eka? This is something that I have to choose on my own :(

Okay, so that's my weekend dilemma. On my boring life, as usual I went to the cinema. The last 2 movies I watched was What to Expect When You're Expecting and Snow White & the Huntsman. I thought What to Expect When You're Expecting was boring, this is despite of Chris Rock is in it and the handsome Rodrigo Santoro who drew me to the cinema. I didn't like Snow White & the Huntsman much as well. I thought the story was not so good. Despite of the handsome guy, Snow White is paired with the huntsman, that's just awful. I did like the forest scene though because it was beautiful. Reviews have been talking about how good Charlize Theron in it. Everytime I saw her, I kinda see Katherine Heigl. I think they really look alike. Even when I first saw the trailer for Prometheus, I thought it was Katherine Heigl.

On a more interesting thing, I've been listening to Nina Zilli's albums and they're great. I kinda love her now. I have also finished 2 books since March. I finished Ronggeng Dukuh Paruk by Ahmad Tohari, a book my dear friends back home got me for my birthday. The book which inspired the Indonesian movie, Sang Penari. I love the book so much perhaps because I haven't read any Indonesian book for a long long time. I just love reading the whole Indonesian words and being reminded of the vocabulary of the language. I love the narrative and the descriptive of the book, which I found to be very beautiful when the writer was describing a scene. The story didn't end quite happily but I am pretty satisfied with it, more satisfied than the ending of the movie. I hope to read more Indonesian books in the future, I think I should get one everytime I go home. After that I read Plum Spooky, a book Ms. J got me for my birthday as well. I finished this book faster, I think because of the bigger font size. After finishing it, I realize how I love this whole reading thing. It was a habit which I did a lot when I was young and which I abandoned in my teenager days. So last week after class, I decided to go to Kinokuniya to get a new book. The things I love from these 2 books is how the stories move, so I was looking for something like that instead of my usual style of picking a book in which I wanted something meaningful. Going around, I kinda stumbled into The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern and I decided it should be my next book. Still, I hesitated and I walked around and decided that perhaps I should settle on a more "meaningful" one, Sophie's World. This was a book that I never managed to start when Gaby had it during our NUS days, so I thought I should really read it now. I took the book, went back to the shelf where The Night Circus was located just to see it one last time and at the last minute I thought, no, I'm gonna choose The Night Circus instead. Perhaps because it seemed less serious than Sophie's World, it seemed more fun, the black cover looked chic, and the title has the word circus in it. Dad loves the circus (I think). In my younger days, we have gone to the circus, because dad brought us there, I think because he wanted to see it. I didn't even know where we were, what we were doing until the show started and it was something that I was glad to have experienced in my childhood. I went to those traditional circuses (plural for circus is circuses?), when the last performance was the animal show with the lions and tigers. They would put up cages around the ring to protect the audiences. These days with the whole animal rights thing, this kinda circus is kinda frowned upon (I think). Well I do think animals are better off in their own habitat, but still I am glad to have such experience in life. Anyways, the book is amazing and I love it so much!!! I reach the state where I do want to read the pages more and more because I want to know where all these pieces lead into and at the same time (like how I feel with Harry Potter books), I want to slow down so that this book will last longer for me. I've reached more than 100 pages since last week. It's really really good and I can see it as a movie. In fact, when I read it, I play the scene in my head. This book is written like jigsaw pieces which are going to come together and make sense, I hope :) I love how this book is structured as well, with short sections which allow me to pause and continue rather easily. So with this new found love with books and stories, I feel like setting a goal to complete 5 books this year. This is my 3rd one and we're in the middle of the year, so I think it's rather possible to reach 5 before 2013. Ronggeng Dukuh Paruk has an orange cover (I removed the cover that shows the film characters because I thought it's rather embarrassing when people see me read a book with a couple on it in the train), Plum Spooky has a blue-purple cover, The Night Circus has a black cover, so I think following the theme, my next book should have a strong color theme in the cover. We'll see :) Okay, that's pretty much it with life peeps. I wish I will be able to sleep because I haven't really :( Take care! Hope your days are more glorious than mine :)

:) eKa @ 10:11:00 PM • 1 comments