Wednesday, October 19, 2022
I wish I can write about things other than what I'm about to put here. Putting all this negativity does not make for an interesting reading but I've just been so angry and frustrated to the point that I was shellshocked - and there is stupidity in being shellshocked because I already know those people sucks so bad, I've seen it over and over. It's me, the dumb one, hoping that things could change when I've been told not to have expectation. I was dumb in trying. It's been 14 days and I am still angry and frustrated. The anger and frustration turn to sadness that there was a point when I cried for 2 nights straight, that when I didn't cry on the third night, I was like am I done with all this? Am I feeling better? I am not. I am so angry and frustrated that I hope bad things happen to people that I dislike. I know it is bad to feel this way and as much as I want to say I'm not proud of it or I don't really mean it, it's just what I really feel and that's the honest truth.
I can only see one way out but as the title of this post said, the whole aspect of rinse and repeat of it all just made me depressed. If my life is just going to be cycle and cycle of rinse and repeat, why do it. I look at it and I don't think I can do this even though I know the facts have shown that I'm actually doing it and have been doing it, but it's just been filled with many times where I've been so so sad. I think I feel even more depressed because I feel so alone. Having to ensure my own survival without no one to lean to weighs heavily on me. I just want to stop, but there's so much fear that when the time comes when I have to start again, I will be unable to do so. I wish I can truly believe, leap and the net will appear, but my faith is not that strong, if it even exists in the first place :(
I wish I can write about other things, about things that I watched perhaps, but I'm really not in a good place right now. I just have so much anger and I don't see when it will flame out :'(
:) eKa @ 10:16:00 PM • 0 comments
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