Change of Nickname

WooHoo I finally change my MSN nickname. No more "I'm trying to keep you insight" kinda thing. Kept that nickname for 1 year ++ but now I'm not keeping it insight (anymore...I guess). Anyway people who know the story will definitely be interested in knowing what happened, especially with the short statement that I put in my nick now I think they will also be drawn to ask "Really?" Anyway, I'm just all smiling now, which is good, 'cause I know this spur of happiness is not gonna last long. For now, at least, Thank You God

Happy Easter, everyone

:) eKa @ 12:56:00 PM • 0 comments

...that Support System

My first birthday present did come from Dagi. She gave me a lot of things. The most interesting things are the 2 mugs which are filled with haribo jelly and Mozart chocolate balls. I just love the chocolate balls I also finally received my birthday present from the girls. It actually arrived last Tuesday but finally met me this afternoon. They gave me a cat pillow, which I actually want to put inside a plastic and keep it away in my cupboard because it's white on one side (it will get dirty) and also because my bed is already too full (I'm a person who needs a LOT of space). However, the cat has this silly smile on his face that kinda...well kinda make you have to smile too, so I think I'm gonna keep in for a while. God knows I really need to smile. The girls were telling me to hug the cat if I need comfort and I need that a whole lot for the coming days.

Was being told not to be so depressed and negative but today I received a news, which for me felt like a blow, a stab in the back. Other people actually see it as a way out for me. Maybe it is, I mean everything happens for a reason, right? God has a plan for me. I just need to believe that all of this is part of the clues to finding out my purpose here, part of the big puzzle of my life which is gonna be great and beautiful. Man! Honestly, I can't say it in full confidence. I can give you all the beautiful words but how much of it I believe, well...words are just words. Anyway, me, the one who is always looking for meanings in things and almost can actually make a poetic interpretation of things everywhere, think that it's like the weather these days, which is freaking hot. However if you look at the trees, their green leaves are glistening in the sun and flowers are appearing everywhere. Just look at the bougainvilleas on the bridges and the flowering trees, there are lots and lots of flowers everywhere. So beautiful and comforting because I feel it's like one way of God telling us even in such a situation in which you think things are bad, you can actually see beautiful things in it, if you just know where to look, if you just wait long enough for the beautiful things to show themselves.

Hmm...wasn't sure what to put for the title. Getting Dumped came to mind, but I decided to settle with the current title because that's it. That's what I'm so lacking of here. That's why I need to make that phone call all the way home. Just talked to my mom and it's just different. People can say the same thing and yet the feeling you get afterwards is different. I want that support system. I'm getting too tired. Damn too tired mentally *sigH* A great week just ended up in a miserable tone *sigH*

:) eKa @ 11:28:00 PM • 0 comments

Twenty 3

Michael Jordan 23. For me, that's 23. Michael Jordan has immortalized number 23. So if I think of the number 23, I will think of him, the great one So even if Beckham is using his number, the number will never be Beckham's, he's just not good enough to be compared to the great 23 I know people may complain to me for saying this.

Anyway, last night, when I was lying in my bed, I suddenly realized that in a few minutes I was going to be 23. It just hit me. I haven't thought about it. Okay yeah actually I had thought about it, but the funny thing was as the day was approaching me, I just kinda wasn't aware of it. This is despite of my first birthday present actually came last Saturday. I think it's from Dagi, I wasn't there when the postman came, so I have to take it from the post office on Wednesday. Why Wednesday? Because it's the only day of the week the post office open until 8 pm. Anyway, of course the realization of me being 23 came to me when I woke up this morning, after being reminded of it before I went to sleep last night. Also, because of the sms that finally reached my phone after I switched it on. Darren was the first one I love Darren In a friendly way, of course, don't go on speculating! It must take him a lot of effort to remember my birthday Miss him really...miss talking to him...I seriously think of Darren a lot when I am upset because most of the time I would want to punch someone and he's not there, my shoulder to hit on

Anyway, received birthday wishes from several people. Except from the girls (by the way where is Emilia?), I didn't expect the rest to notice, but they did. 2 of them ... well, let's just say, that it would have meant a whole lot deal if they had wished me last year instead of this year, but what can I say? I say "Thank You" Seriously "Thank You". The rest were really nice for remembering. The ones who promised to remember don't remember. It's okay. I want this day to go off quietly. I'm thankful to God for this day. I'm pretty happy today. Not excitedly happy but nobody is making me sad. I just felt a sense of calmness and satisfaction today. Thank you God YOU are the best

:) eKa @ 5:19:00 PM • 0 comments


From the title, that is actually what I want to write about, but right now I am in deep anger and sadness that I just can't really put myself together. Hmm...I suddenly feel eerie with the unusual thing that I saw early this morning.

Okay, first thing first. I watched Hitch yesterday. I wanted to watch the movie because of Will Smith. Just love him. He's one cool guy. The movie is actually not bad. There were times when I feel that some of the lines are quite cheesy. I couldn't believe that they actually said that. So was it funny? Yeah, slightly. Don't think that they actually banking on the comedy to sell the movie, but yep there were some funny moments. Will Smith is smooth and of course so believable as someone who can win you dates. The other characters...well they are pretty okay too I guess. Not much of a moral value or anything that I get from watching this movie. It was just an okay movie.

Then the other thing. Today was the second day of the week that I really feel like crying in a place that I should not. I just couldn't believe that people can do that. I feel no one understand and ... and it's not the point actually. Having people understand what we are going through doesn't really help, well at least not for me. I want nothing else than to just leave the shit behind but it's not happening. Not yet as people would argue and my God-believing self would argue *sigH* What I really want and what I always want is not to feel or to be gone *sigH*

Okay those were written yesterday (Wednesday, 09/03/05) but just didn't manage to post it yesterday.

Today...well...found out that Arsenal lost *sigH* No comment about that. Barcelona lost to Chelsea yesterday, that was totally sad. But at least Juventus is through, so I'm switching ship We must stand for the other French guy, right? Trezequet is just so cute

:) eKa @ 8:59:00 AM • 0 comments


*Phew* Finally have the time to sit down and write this and put that handsome face there I went to watch Constantine last Monday with Vivy (Finally). Okay, before I dwell on other things, my take on the movie first. Obviously the reason why I wanted to watch Constantine is because of Keanu Reeves. Not a horror-movie person myself, watching this movie kinda took me by surprise. Keanu Reeves played a guy named John Constantine, who had the power to see things which he called half-breed. These half-breed were basically angels and demons who roamed the earth to influence human in their lives. Before you say that this is pretty much fiction, remember the times when you were back in school or in your sunday school when your teacher told you that you have this angel and demon around you (one on your left and the other on your right, or perhaps sitting on your shoulder) and always tell you to do things, bad and good, and your teacher would always tell you to listen to the good. So basically the idea, though it was made much scarier with the special effect is actually something so basic and perhaps so internalized in our lives. So these angels and demons kinda in a way "whispered" to us and influenced us to do things. So John got so freaked out when he was young because he was seeing these things and nobody could understand him, and so he tried to do what most desperate people do to drown all their misery, he tried to commit a suicide. For a few minutes he went to hell, because apparently (especially as believed by the Catholic church) when you commit suicide, you go straight to burn in hell. This is truly something to think about in my head. So our dear John got even more freaked out with hell rather than the things that he saw on earth. Knowing that his little attempt caused him to be one of devil's most loveable potential to delight in his home, John tried his best to redeem himself to God so that he could get a place in heaven. So he did good things. He was on a mission to get rid off all the devils who were doing things which were out of line straight to hell. He thought by doing this, God would acknowledge his good work and granted him a place in heaven. Now our dear John smoked a lot and he was diagnosed with a terminal cancer and he was pretty afraid that he would not get to heaven. So he asked an androgynous angel, Gabriel, what his chances were. The answer was he was going to burn in hell. John was so pissed because he was doing all these good things for human and yet he still couldn't go to heaven. The thing is as Gabriel said, he didn't do this for the good of others, he was doing it for himself. He was not sacrificing himself for others, he was only thinking of hiw own ass. The other thing with John was he didn't actually believe in God, he didn't want to submit to Him, basically because he felt that God was not doing anything for the good of human being on earth, and he was the one who have to do all the shit of sending the devils back. Okay, I don't want to talk about the main story because I just want to focus on John Constantine. The theme for his character is what touch me the most, because in real life, we all do that. We do good so that others will good to us. We do good so that God loves us and be kind to us and gives us more blessing and grants us our wishes. We do good so that we'll get to go to heaven. Also the most common one, we do good thing, because ethically it was the thing that we are supposed to do. I don't even want to go into the people who do good so that they look good in front of others. The bottomline, of all the good things that we do, how many of them was actually done because of full compassion, because it hurts us if we don't do that good deed. I was reminded on the time when osHie gave me a reading about Mother Theresa to inspire me in coming out with a door gift design for MKP (Misi Kami Peduli) introduction. I remembered from the reading something like this (I couldn't remember the exact word), Mother Theresa wanted people to give and help the poor not because it was the right thing to do but because we feel the pain that these poor people were having and their suffering were also our suffering that we need to do something to help them, to make their life better. All comes down to sincerity. I guess, the simplest way to put it is if you strip off all the benefit that you get from helping a person, will you still do it? On another note, another thing that I take from John Constantine character. You may think, WoW God was mean for not letting him in after all the good things that he did. Well, actually just a simple thing to do to gain entry (especially for Christian) to heaven, BeLieVe. Believe in God and acknowledge Him. For Christian, believe in Jesus Christ and submit yourself to Him. Have faith.

Because of the above-mentioned things, I actually think the movie has a good theme. Keanu was ... typical Keanu? Well he is just good in playing a cool guy with some mysterious air about him. He also, as proven in the Matrix, looks good in suits Anyway, truly loves Mr.Reeves now Was pretty surprised to see Gavin Rosdale there. What else, the movie kinda spooked me, well because I never really watch horror movie in a cinema, all dark and with loud sounds. So I was kinda afraid that I couldn't sleep that night, because when I was a kid, after watching something a bit scary, I would not be able to sleep at night and I ended up have to knock at my parent's room and sleep with them. A trip to Lubang Buaya haunted me for 3 days. Knowing that I couldn't take it, I refrain from watching any scary movie, well, mostly refrain from watching movies with a lot of suspense in it. Though now I do try to watch this kind of movie on daylight, on my computer or VCD. For now, I will refrain watching any scary movie in the cinema except if Keanu is in it Anyway, that night, just to make sure I could sleep, I drugged myself with my cough medicine + panadol + 2 capsules of my sore-throat medicine. The panadol was because I was feeling a slight dizziness. Been feeling pretty dizzy all this week *sigH* The cough and sore-throat were from the doctor last week. I actually fell sick the previous will, hence the delay in watching Constantine. It kinda worked, I could sleep. But on Tuesday night, I got the creep back, especially after watching CSI, where there was a scene of a woman dying by hanging *sigH* I'm pretty okay now and I will be having a nice, quiet, relaxing weekend alone Anyway, last week when I was sick, I could sleep really well because of the drugs, that got me thinking about drugs and all. I guess I just need that time when I don't feel anything. I don't get that, not even in my sleep *sigH*

Okay, on other news. Vivy gave me a news which kinda shocked me a lot, but she looked pretty calm in delivering the news. I guess she was pretty determined. Talked to mas Boon Kiat a little this morning. Wah, he could really carry a conversation in Indonesian. I kinda feel proud about it I know he perhaps would like to thank his indonesian teachers rather than us, but I gues we all influenced him right What else? Marlisa's mom went to Bali, that's nice. I would also like to go. I heard there's this unexplainable thing happening in Bali, kinda mystical. But I've only heard it from a singapore paper, so perhaps it is not that big of deal in Indonesia. Perhaps being drown by the sentencing of Abu Bakar Basyir and the fuel price rising. Marlisa's birthday is today. Sent her an sms this morning. I hope she gets my present, last night I was wondering if I actually wrote the address correct. I was in a rush and perhaps quite a blur last week. Marlisa's b'day means my 23 is coming soon too *sigH* The song list is no more fitting and so I must change *sigH* Take care people. Hmmm...gonna see Tommy and Chucky from the Rugrats tonight. Love those kids, my mom couldn't comprehend how her big 22-year-old daughter can still watch this kind of cartoon

:) eKa @ 11:28:00 AM • 0 comments