Panic, Don't Panic? Panic!

*sigH* I'm panicking now, because suddenly it hit me yesterday that there are so many things that I must do and I haven't been doing them. Again, I'm in the insecure and uncertainty condition. It will end within a month but I'm not so sure that it will end in a good ending for me. But God must have something for me right? It's just I want it to be easy. Maybe since I'm not mature and brave enough, I have to have it the hard way.

*sigH* So what is up Eka? 2 days ago, I made a 4000-line code. I don't think I had ever made a 4000-line code on my own before, and so it was surprising when I found out the code has more that 4000 lines. I was actually copying and pasting several times for the different cases. I was working on it in notepad and when the whole thing was done (or so I thought it was done), I went to paste it in the actual place, and I think the computer just got so freak out getting a task such as this, that it became so slow!!! So if the computer itself can not handle it, can you imagine me? I was going blind Anyway, the code didn't work as I want it to be, and I was ready to throw everything near me, but it turns out that with little adjustment it can still work for the problem I'm doing, I think I don't know, I think it is just prone to bugs, but I don't feel like checking it and testing it just to find that I got it wrong. I am such a lousy programmer, I couldn't find any simpler and easier way to do this. Stupid that my only solution is a code that has more than 4000 lines that slows down the computer, that may not work that well anyway *sigH* What can I say? I should try harder? Hiks....I don't really feel like it, I know I should not feel like this.

Okay, away from that. Dewi has started working this week. That girl is just so lucky, you can see it from her round face She has all the lucky features Honestly, I a bit envy her, why is it that she can have it so easy? Nevertheless, I am happy that she has got a job. See, we're growing up afterall. In a few months time, Marlisa and Emilia will most probably be working too. Is it time to throw the "I'm still a teen" act? Miss them so much, miss hanging out with them, and talking to them. I have some girlie issues to ask them. The best thing about spending time with them is that after that I feel comfortable about myself. *sigH*

Tonight Arsenal will be meeting Manchester United. I can not watch, though I really want to. Anyway, I don't want MU to beat Arsenal. I'm okay with a draw, but I just don't want to see Arsenal lose. However, there's a slight doubt in me that Arsenal can keep it to a draw, since last time in Champion League, they only managed to get a draw with Chelsea. *sigH* However the outcome will be, tomorrow will be interesting....Go Arsenal *Finger Crossed*

:) eKa @ 2:45:00 PM • 0 comments

22

2 number 2, sounds like Sesame Street doesn't it? Well, the inevitable comes, what can I say? Nothing really. It feels like a normal day, but I did get some nice wishes from so many great people. Really...I really appreciate the people who sent me sms today. I didn't expect some of them would remember or care but they did and to actually send me wishes prove that they're good people. I do have people who care about me

The biggest surprise was getting a present from my best buddies [Marlisa, Dewi, Emilia] yesterday. It's surprising 'cause it was only this week they were rushing in trying to crack me out and finding what I want. So I thought whatever it was they got me would arrive late, but it was on time. I really appreciate them. They gave me a cool card, home-made (Marlisa's idea), which reminds me that I hardly make anything home-made anymore. You know, it's truly special to receive a home-made card and things like that, maybe I should do this again more often. The girls sent me pictures of the primary school's reunion (which I didn't attend) and as usual I can't recognize many of the people in the picture. I'm totally bad at this, I don't know why The girls gave such good and comforting words and advice, they're blessing from God. It's like God is giving me a reminder. I'm thankful for them.

Watching The Parent's Trap now. I remember watching this in the movie, with my cousins (yes, including Marlisa), the good old time when things were okay. Things change but today has proven that things might get better again Going to watch Mas Nunu tonight, The Replacement. I remember watching this for the first time in Suntec City (I guess it was after exam) with Felis and Yuanto, I think there were other people too, but I couldn't remember who. Today has been great, a great normal day. I like how everything is so normal without anything being extremely huge or special I know I'm weird

:) eKa @ 8:02:00 PM • 0 comments

When It HURTS

Good Morning! *yawn* I'm so sleepy. When it's over, that's the time I fall in love again Okay that song from Sugar Ray has nothing to do with the title. I'm so sleepy, I don't think I'm thinking straight. Anyway, this what has to do with the title. I went to NUS yesterday (after such a long time I haven't been there). I was there to attend this talk from NUS ISCF (Indonesian Christian Fellowship). You can count with 1 hand how many times, I actually participated in any ISCF's activity, so it was very surprising that I went there to attend to talk. That and also the fact that I've kinda been in a hiding all this while and I'm kinda reserving myself for me. When I got the email about this talk "When It HURTS", I just found it to be a sign. I should go, because a lot of things just hurt in my life lately. I mean, you can see that I haven't actually been making positive posts in this blog. If you read my posts, you can see that they're a bit on the down side. So I went to the talk in hope for something to open my mind and maybe to help me see things from a different angle. You can say that maybe I'm hoping for a healing process. Don't actually get that, but the talk itself was interesting, the discussion was eye-opening and some questions which were asked I think will remain unanswered. I feel that some questions are like that, they just will remain unanswered. One of the first question in the discussion was why is it that suffering is often link to the God Almighty is kind? Hello??? Am I the only one who think that there's something wrong in this statement. Maybe some people are so religious that they can see the silver lining in their suffering but aren't there actually more people out there who think that God sucks in their suffering? I think when you're hurting so much,you start to think and question a lot of thing and re-asses your life and what you've been doing and where you are going to. Suffering may make you contemplate more and in a way it changes you. That was also 1 of the conclusion of the talk yesterday. How it changes you, well sadly sometime it's not always for the better. I know what it's like when it hurts and maybe what I feel is nothing compared to what other people feel, but it's enough for me that it sucks the life out of me. I don't think I have learnt how to cope it well, I don't think I'm even coping; so I don't think I can give much of an advice and comforting words.

Anyway, yesterday was fun, to be back in NUS again. It was a big part of my life and sitting in the internal bus, I just felt like a student again It's cool. Was hoping to catch a glimpse of someone but it's just never meant to be Still, I got to see cool people, like JTG, Felis, and Nyile . It was so nice to see them again. It made me feel like normal again. If only I could have stayed a student forever. No way...impossible...you move on...Life.

I received an sms from mom this morning. It turns out I'm getting older, and as always as my father has always asked me to do, I'd better find a boiled egg

:) eKa @ 9:31:00 AM • 0 comments

In America

I went to watch In America today. Had been wanting to do it since last week but I only managed to get my lazy ass to the movie today I'm glad I watched it because I did have a bit of doubt if I should watch this movie or other movie like Big Fish or Something's Gotta Give. See, In America doesn't really have much trailer running around in TV. I found out about this movie from the trailer in TV mobile and it just stuck with me. The thing with me is, once something stuck (be it good or bad) in my head, I have difficulty in letting it go. So I think I really just have to go and watch this movie so that it would get out of my head. Honestly, the trailer didn't really give much clue about what the story is, so I don't really know what kind of movie I was about to watch. It turns out to be such a good movie, truly heart-warming. Good storyline, good cast, everything intertwine nicely. I actually shed some tears at the end of the movie and I think most of the ladies watching the movie were shedding some tears too. I can't really say that the movie has a sad ending nor that it has a happy ending, I guess the movie is just...well...it ends exactly with the message that I feel is being sent to the audience that "Everything will be alright". I like the movie I can't figure out though, why Samantha Morton got an Oscar nomination for her role in this movie. I find that the girl who played Ariel is the best actor of all

Got my new contact lenses today. Got my eyes checked 2 weeks ago. Surprisingly, my eyes are actually flat that the optician feels that I'll be better off with a customized lenses. I didn't have any astimagtism (or cylinder as we call it in Indonesia) and my eyes actually didn't really get much worse. I thought I'll be having -4 (or power 400 as they call it in Singapore?). I promise if I am a bit rich later on in life and my eyes get worse, I'm just gonna have Lasik. My new lenses feel okay (I guess). The optician said that it might need some time for me to really get adjusted with this new lenses. By the way, I found the lenses to be expensive, I got some goodies of course, but the whole thing costed me S$ 180 (Hua....I should not spend so much money). The optician is so nice and friendly, I feel she can sell me anything. She gave me so many solutions that I feel that this whole thing is so troublesome. I remember my first time wearing lenses, I was also given so many solutions, I then happily switched to the multi-purpose solution. However, this new lenses of mine should be able to last 2 years with proper care, so I guess I should really take good care of it, even with my 3 types of solution + protein removal tablets

Yesterday, March 5, 2004, was my dear cousin Marlisa's 22nd birthday. So I just want to say a little shout out for her.

Happy Birthday
I wish her all the happiness and love in the world....miss her much...


:) eKa @ 11:37:00 PM • 0 comments

When The Good Things Come

I don't think I'm a high-maintenance kind of girl. The last few months in 2003 had been pretty rough for me. Everything was tumbling down at the same time (you wouldn't believe the things that went through my head). Remember that I once wrote that everything went wrong at the same time; I didn't know what to think, how to react. Some things are still wrong, but some things are clearing up. I didn't ask much, I just want to feel okay. Right now I feel that I have been receiving too much, that I'm kinda freaking out. I know it's a blessing or luck that I should just be thankful for, but I just feel uneasy about the whole thing. I'm just afraid that getting good things mean that bad things will come (maybe even worse things). I know I'm being paranoid and I should not think about things like that. I should enjoy the ride and say grace each time. *sigh* You're sad and scared when things go wrong and you're still not totally happy and still pretty scared when the good things come ... What do you want Eka? I do actually want a good night sleep. I don't know why, but there's always a point in which I wake up before my time to wake up. This morning I was awoken at 3 am. *Hiks* A waste of a good sleeping time.

:) eKa @ 9:24:00 PM • 0 comments

I Miss Monday

Yes, today is Monday and people are most probably starting today with "I don't like Monday!!!". I can totally understand why. I just finished replying Rista's email, telling her how I am (Feeling a bit dizzy actually today I haven't been quite healthy this few days) when I suddenly remember what it's like being in school again. This time last year, I was looking forward for Monday so much. *sigH* It's very embarrassing if I have to explain the reason why, but I really really really really miss that Monday and the reason why last year I loved Monday so much. I know I am being silly and so not sensible but ... but nothing I say can justify my foolishness I wonder when will I feel like that again.

Anyway...What's been going on Eka? Well...Last week, I actually kinda understand why I have people being so kind to me. I feel that there are a lot of reasons for that, but last week I just feel that I do have people being so mean to me that maybe as balance God gives me people who are extremely kind. I encountered a few strangers last week who were so kind. One morning I met this auntie who gave me Streats (She took a lot of copies, she felt she couldn't carry all of them so she insisted I took one. We had a good little conversation). There was a morning also where I sat next to a very friendly kindergarten girl in a bus. Man! Sitting with her opened a whole new perspective in my head, try explaining what a country is to a kid and why Indonesia is a different country than Singapore.

Today, I feel that I always get help in a lot of part of my life. I can get through NUS because of the so many people who helped me so much; the people who stayed up late to help me with projects, the people who before they went to bed sent encouragement to me through msn and icq, the people who didn't take the same module as me but gave time to help me out. Why oh why did this people do all of these things, you may ask? They are kind, aren't they? and I am so much blessed. Today I also feel that I still have that kind of people helping me out. It's a good thing you may say, but I just feel how come I couldn't do things on my own by myself. What if one day I really have to do them on my own? or is it the way my life is written that I will always have people helping me out? Well, people who know me know that I am pessimistic. I just can't be that sure.

:) eKa @ 8:45:00 PM • 0 comments

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