Saturday, April 10, 2010

Not A Really Happy Week

I can list many things that go wrong this week, things that I have to endure that leave me dead spiritually. But after all the things that have happened this week, I'm gonna share the one that I actually don't really share with anyone. Aside from my parents (I don't know who they tell), there are only 3 other people that I told the details to. So why am I sharing it now? Well, you're still not gonna get the full details. It's just I feel like getting what concerns me the most in life currently out there. In a way, it's kinda me taking care of myself by getting it out of my chest.

I know not many people read this blog, but just in case you do, maybe you remember that before I went home for Chinese New Year, I wrote that something really really bad and wrong happened in my body. I didn't do anything about it because I was just too freaked out to deal with it which actually is a really bad thing to do. So I went home and the bad thing that happened to my body stopped, but I did got sick went I went home and I had to see the doctor twice. So perhaps the body was just focused on going self-destroyed in other modes. So anyway, I realized the bad thing happened again this week. Well maybe it's been happening since I got back but perhaps I was in such a self-denial state that I haven't really looked into it but somehow this week I realized it happens again :'( So I finally got to see the doctor. Was feeling quite stressed out when I met her. She wanted to properly examine me but somehow or another she couldn't really do so and I think it's also because I was already quite freaking out. She did manage to do basic examination and she was optimistic about it. She gave me medications for 10 days which I am following quite religiously. But still the medications are stressing me out. Both her and her nurse were telling me not to be scared and take it easy, I will be fine. I hope I am. We have 10 days and I really hope things are going to get better. I don't even want to entertain the possibility that the problem can be more serious :'( I am trying to be positive about this and I'm focusing all the positivity that I can muster, in getting myself to be really okay. Right now we are in day 4. Taking the medication is not getting easier for me :'( Inspite of the nurse telling me that it'll get easier. So far there are changes, but they are strange changes, so I don't know if it's a good sign or bad :'( It doesn't seem good for me :( I can only pray that things will be better.

Seriously of all the things that bring me down, I wonder if I am being selfish and not strong enough for only wanting to focus on this. But seriously when people are just watching their own interest and not you, is it wrong that you yourself are watching your own interest. If noone is going to care for you, I believe you should care for yourself. In fact I believe in caring for yourself first and foremost. This belief has got something to do with me being in Singapore alone and handling a lot of things on my own. Sounds really selfish, but if you don't function well, you can't function well for others as well. At this point, if people gonna say my attitude is selfish and wrong, I'm just gonna say "Fuck you! You can go to hell". I'm tired and I just want to focus on having peace within me. Everybody else and their agenda can just shove it.

This afternoon as I was going back, I realized that Rista will be here next weekend. I'm very excited about that. Looking forward to be speaking Indonesian to someone who knows me although she will only be here for a few hours. Rista has her wedding date set and my best friend, Emilia, too. As well as my pen friend, Dagi, by the way. I wonder how my life will change with them getting married. Yes I know it sounds so strange that someone getting married change your life but I feel it can be. It's the beginning of the time when people closest to me are getting married and starting a new life and I am not. I think it will somehow change how I look and feel about certain things. We'll see.

This week has its own nice happenings as well. Somehow I can only think of 2 and one of them felt rather normal actually. Let's see if it sounds nicer if I wrote the other one this way. Vendredi, je l'ai vu et il m'a fait sourire. Chaque fois que le vois, mon coeur sourit. J'aime son parfum et je sais que je suis bizarre :P J'ai voulu dire "hi!" mais je ne l'ai pas fait. Lui me fait heureuse chaque fois que je le vois et je suis reconnaissante pour cela. Okay I got google translate to help me a lot with that. Aaaargghh ... so little time and so many things to put inside the brain. Alors, Bonne nuit tout le monde.

:) eKa @ 9:41:00 PM •