Saturday, March 24, 2007
I wonder if dead-end and cul-de-sac means the same thing. Seemed similar but a bit different, I guess it depends on how you see it. Today I feel my life is a dead-end. Yes, another of me complaining about my life. People may be tired of this and try to rationalize or just want to throw me from the 3rd floor balcony to shut me up, but hey ... right now I just want to be consumed by myself no matter how wrong and unhealthy that is. I haven't met anyone who feel what I am feeling so I don't know how to deal with all these frustration. I know other people have their own frustration but so far the people I know of, well...all of them seem to be okay with life. Reading Carl's blog, she perhaps has some issue but overall I think she's pretty happy with life. So my point is, I just don't know anyone who is experiencing a dead end in their life. Even worse than feeling that, I feel that everyone that I know think that dead end is not possible because they have plans or perhaps they don't have expectation or desire (or if they have, all are pretty practical) and hence life is pretty okay. I am not saying that my life is not okay. I'm not rich, but I have enough money to spend, I have people who make me laugh, I have people who tell me interesting stories and such. The only thing that make all that not so rosy is being in my age and feeling like I am running out of time to do something extremely great for my life. Why running out of time? Because face it, adulthood and responsibility are seriously knocking at my door and before I submit to that, I just want to make sure I do something really good for myself or perhaps cover my basis so that I can die feeling contented.Anyways, I guess the suckyness started yesterday afternoon. Can't really tell you what happened but let me tell you the thoughts that came to my head. I took my usual taxi ride and in the taxi I was thinking that it was when I was around 14 or when my brother was around 14 ... well let's just settle that it was around that period in our life that our relationship turned uncontrollably bad until now. So I thought that it is perhaps my bad karma that I have to endure similar things in tenfold or perhaps more. I have to deal with all the idiotic things and stubbornness. Was quite angry yesterday and yet as I was trying to toughen it up, I felt like crying and so I wonder why can't I just be angry properly. Silence did ensue when I was making my point but the stubbornness continued *sigH* That sucky feeling lingered as today commenced that I kinda dreaded my Saturday's engagement. Tried to prepare myself yesterday but I guess I just couldn't really muster enough concentration that I was lousy and made stupid mistakes *sigH*
Things were slightly better today after I talked to my mom and had a few laugh. My uncle from Hongkong is visiting the family and I already heard some drama happening. Who would have thought that such things can happen to our family
So in these few days I actually get total alone time, total freedom, which was spent humming to Malid & d'Essentials just now. Strangely I wasn't that excited upon getting the news. In the past, such chances had been filled with much sugar but now I tried to take it easy. I am enjoying the freedom, the silence, the space (though recent stories do make me look around even more and dislike the dark). It's just another very ordinary and bland Saturday. I guess for this one, I'm not gonna complain, I'm just happy to be able to spend time listening to songs alone, in my computer and such.
:) eKa @ 9:33:00 PM • 0 comments
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Pane e Tulipani + Stomp the Yard
This morning was as usual. Watched Pane e Tulipani and just when I thought I was getting better, I feel demoralized perchè 99% non ho capito niente *sigH* Anyways, the movie was quite good but perhaps it's the European style, it didn't entice me much though I think the story was interesting. Perhaps because I didn't really understand the language and culture so I don't feel that it's as witty as it can be if Hollywood makes it, but then again Hollywood may make it too commercial and lose all the poetic meaning. Really love the whole idea of taking a different turn and see where it leads you. I seriously wish I can do that. I kinda envy the whole freedom that the housewife got and how things worked out for her. I'm not sure I agree with the ending because she decided to get a divorce and moved to a different city and be with the man that she fell in love with. I think I'm just very conservative about divorce and stuff.The day continued with meeting La Gioa and NanSee for a movie and lunch. We finally settled to eat lunch at Indo Padang in The Cathay building. In the same place I wrote last time. I still don't think the food were amazing but they seemed to enjoy it. La Gioa loves the fattening soto ayam, goodness me! We ordered quite a lot of things and I must say some of the servings were really generous.
The movie that we watched is Stomp the Yard, my pick. There were some really cool dance movement. I may be wrong, but I think there were a lot of krumping especially at the beginning of the movie. By the way, we were late by a few minutes. Story wise, it was not really that amazing, it was pretty typical. Some of the fraternity stuff were pretty silly, we laughed about it. I feel all these steppin' to these black people are like cheerleading to the white teenage girls in America. I want to say that steppin' are so much cooler but as I said, they did some pretty silly and weird stuff for the sake of fraternity. Don't you love being in a fraternity though? With your band of brothers? Somehow I feel that girls sisterhood are just not that fun. I don't know, maybe because I feel that girls can be so difficult to deal with
On life update. Managed to fix the bug that's been buggin' me for around 2 weeks. Praise the Lord!!! It was a pretty easy solution, geez!!! I did browse through a page about depths and all to figure out what to do. God, we really do need people who do research on computing stuff.
Submitted my essay. Not so sure how it's gonna work out. Slim chance and I might as well start praying of keeping it calm when things don't work out.
The TV blew up and I missed American Idol and Prison break. Damn it!!! Got a replacement, but smaller ... I don't want to talk about it. I guess some people are just good at tormenting other people *sigH*
Received a mail which gave me my freedom. I am liberated. It was dated 12 March 2007, 2 days before my birthday, which means when I was 24. I should be happy, should be jumping up and down, should be screaming and announcing it to the world and yet ... well if I think hard about it and try to absorb it, I can choose to die *sigH*. I did wonder if I ever gonna see this day, even before I went to Singapore in the first place and I did, I got through it. I'm done, I'm free. Well not quite. One because all the crazy things that I want to do, I can not do (well I still can actually) because my mom disagrees (though she will not fight much if it's what I choose to do). I guess I'm just so scared and denying the reality check. Two is because even if I do it, that real independence day will be somewhat around April 19 (maybe faster) and if I choose that, I will have to abandon a few people. So I can choose to stay with them, which means that the day will be May 5, or I can choose to make sure they're pretty much taking care off and that day will come even later. I wonder if I should care about them because I often feel they don't value me much, but today I received the mails that pretty much say that my opinion matters. So I guess for the time being, I choose to stay, for the kids. It's ironic really, because right now I really enjoy the presence of some people. They make things more bearable, but the truth is, they may take flight faster than me and I don't know if I can survive it when that happens.
Gotta go, let me leave you with parts of a song from Simply Red - Never Never Love, which is one of my favourite-cannot-get-bored-of song.
So now we've got our independence, ooh...
What are we gonna do with it?
Learning to play different games
Already using different names
...
So now we've got our independence, ooh...
What are we gonna do with it?
Building the houses, claiming back the land
Burning the bridges, cleaning up your hands
...
When our love is good we have something for the future
Now our love will grow the seeds to sow this real revolution
This good revolution baby, where you're not below me anymore
...
:) eKa @ 10:14:00 PM • 0 comments
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Venti Cinque! Oh mio Dio! More about that later. Let's talk about movie first. Went to watch Music and Lyrics with Vivy and Sigit yesterday. Gosh, I am really not made for night activity anymore. Reached my place at around 11 pm + and I was pretty dead tired. Anyways, love the movie so much. Can't really say that the movie is deep, but I think it was a pretty good ensemble of cast. I think Drew Barrymore was interesting and sweet. Hugh Grant was loveable as always. I think he is truly made for romantic movies, kinda unbelievable that some people do not fall for him. I love Hugh GrantAllora, Venti Cinque. Well my first birthday wishes came from the girls last month, so I supposed they were the first ones to bring me to 25.
Vivy sent me the first sms related message, which was yesterday night. But I really loved the fact that it's my cousin, Marlisa, who woke me up with her sms this morning.
The most loving sms, I have to give it to my other cousin (Marlisa's older sis). Love it so much. I think she covered many of the important and necessary wishes.
Most unexpected sms, I guess Vinny's. Simply because I didn't expect it.
Number of compleanno related emails received: 2. Dagi beat the Mr to it. Kinda glad to receive the email from the Mr, since we haven't been talking for the longest time. I guess, I've been way too busy.
Other unexpected well wishes: Arief A, because it's a friendster message
Got a card and a cake and a happy birthday song today. Must thank Lois for all the effort and BlueRose for getting the card signed. Really appreciate all that lined up to sing me the song though I said "Please don't". The weird thing is that somehow I felt complete, like I have gotten all the things that I should get or can be gotten, like another sign telling me to go. Anyways, so I've eaten 2 cakes, being the weird me, I just feel like 50. It just feels a bit weird. I guess because I'm not too fond of my own birthday.
Well, I guess it's pretty much it. Many asked what I'm gonna do today. Well it's Wednesday, so it's laundry day. Then I am blogging now. After this, I gotta write my essay. After that I need to really fix my program. I can't believe that I still can not get it right. I refuse to be defeated (though I feel I am already defeated). This week will be the last week. I have to move on next week. Feeling pretty stressed now, because I feel I am way behind schedule. I like to say that I have a good reason for that, however I don't think so.
Can I tell you how I feel? I feel blessed, I feel contented. I don't do anything special today. People gave their effort sending me their well wishes and doing all the small things and I feel it's pretty amazing. So it's all good. Thank you all. Grazie mille tutti! Grazie Dio, grazie
:) eKa @ 7:54:00 PM • 0 comments
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Olla peeps. Not feeling too good right now. Must be the thing I ate. Had a good dinner with the Swenseners on Friday. Got another birthday present. I'm not sure what I'm gonna use it for. I must say we are being practical this year in giving our presents. So next week is my birthday week. Actually didn't really remember it until someone reminded me this morning and it is only now that I noticed the actual day. It will be just another day. NanSee said how could it be that I would spend it as any other day. Well pretty much because it's no big deal. It is actually, I mean it happens only once a year, but I really don't want all the fanfare.Accidentally bumped into the juggler this morning. Talked a bit before I got off on my stop. I don't know if I had that trustworthy look or the look that made people could just confess their life problem but he almost wanted to say something which I think didn't come easy for him. So I just summed it in 1 sentence without the possibility of exploring (or maybe exploiting) it further, because it's none of my business and if it's rather hard for him to elaborate, then I just don't need to know. I actually must admit that it is difficult for me to keep some things for myself. Somehow I just feel the need to tell someone else. This is something I must really learn. I really have to learn to bite my tongue. Friday Gascoigne had doubt in telling me something. Knowing how talkative I am, he has a good reason to. Again being the interrogative me (I think perhaps my instinct just builds up with my interrogative experience), I managed to guess what it is that bothers him. Didn't get the details, but since he found it hard to explain (or to trust me) I decided not to pursue it much more *sigH* Everything is really not as it seems to be. Anyway you know, I think I can formulate a guideline or theory on how to get information from people who are not into giving it in the first place. I almost want to write it here, but that would make me so sneaky, in which I don't think I really am. I mean, people come to me and tell me stuffs and perhaps it started to feed my greed and make me want to know more and poke into things which are none of my business. So I gotta learn to keep my nose away from things which are not useful for me to smell as well as keeping my mouth shut. So help me God.
So today, nothing interesting. Morning engagement as usual. Signed up for another 10 weekends of dedication and days of efforts. Being told off again that I shouldn't be so "like that" and was persuaded (= pushed) to attend the party tomorrow, and next week. Should be thankful that after so many rejection, I still get invited (Carl is really nice) but no, thank you. I can smile thinking of how my mom would like me to socialize more as well but she wouldn't like this kind of social activity. Anyways, I went home after getting a few stuff. Tried to take a nap, but that wasn't a good one. My brain was thinking about other stuffs, I don't know if I really slept. It was hot as well, so I was tired when I woke up *sigH* And now, I have to dismantle my codes and put it into other methods. Coding should be logical and I have been damn logical with it, and yet perhaps it is called scripting (not really coding) for a reason, because they are a bit unstable and dumb? On top of it, I need to write an essay, a darn good one at that. Geez, I want this really bad, but I suppose I need to pray a lot and take that first step. Take care peeps!
:) eKa @ 8:42:00 PM • 0 comments
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Went to watch The Pursuit of Happyness today ... alone. Seriously I don't mind watching alone. Was really happy to be doing it actually, because I just feel I need the time alone. The movie was ... well, Vivy watched it last Friday and I asked if she wanted to cry. Then 2 girls yesterday told me that the movie was really touching that one of them cried and the other wanted to cry. Me? Well, I suppose there were some touching scenes but I just wasn't really that moved. I think Will Smith looked so much older. Maybe to depict all the hardship. I also felt he looked skinnier, I guess because of all the sprint he had to do. There were so many running involved. His boy, Jaden, was cute but I felt he looked so much better during the Oscar award. Was it a good movie? I think so, especially since it was based on a true story. Very inspiring indeed.The main character, Chris Gardner, had to go through a lot and in the end it paid off. This got me thinking of our own hardship and so called "suffering". I usually think that we need to experience all the hard things that come our way because God is preparing us for more challenging things in the future. After the movie, I feel that perhaps if we persevere and accept all the hardship that we go through, one day we will get that reward and it will be sweet. I like to believe that. Unfortunately, I don't think I have suffered enough. Obviously not as much as Chris Gardner. So I have no right to complain because I'm doing alright. Still far from purchasing a Ferrari but I get to eat everyday and I don't have to sleep in a toilet, so what do I have to complain about?
Oh yeah, the movie kinda made me want to have a Rubik cube. Anyone? My birthday is coming. Talking about birthday. I actually forgot my dear cousin, Marlisa's birthday. I feel like shit. How can I forget? I'm pretty pissed with myself. It is not impossible to do all, there are enough time, enough energy. I just watched a movie that proved that. However, I've not been doing that. I've been complaining there's not enough time for myself and such (I still pretty much stand by that argument) but I guess I should give more time for others? aaahh I cannot do that, I just can't feel sincere about it *sigh* sorry.
Feeling kinda sad today. Claire is no longer here. Geez, I promised myself that I would write about her and until now I haven't done so. I first met her when she was 3 or 4 and now I think she is 5. She was really shy when I first saw her, holding her's mom legs. Then she started to warm up and asked me questions during dinner and such. There was a period when she was infatuated with my cat and ducks. Then I think her aunt reprimanded her for invading my privacy. There were times when she would play hard-to-get, but there were times also when she would run to me and called out to me when I was back. Then there were also the accidental babysitting that she forced me to do. It felt to be such a chore that time. I still don't want to do it now, but I just feel very sad (should I say sadder because I am already sad these days) not having such welcome when I'm back anymore and having to have my dinner alone. The loneliness kinda becomes pretty unbearable. Somehow when I reach the door, I feel that it's the end of my human contact and it just feels sad, really really sad. I guess as much as they can be annoying, it's good to know they were there, although they weren't in my zone. I feel sad. Maybe I'll get over it. I know that she perhaps has gone over me, being the little kid that she is. Interesting things in school must have made me forgotten.
Today I mailed a letter that should have made me smiling upon doing it, but what I felt was sadness and frustration. I imagined being happy, because it finally comes to an end. I imagined I would do it excitedly but with everything that was happening, I was actually 1 week later than what I was planning. The fact that something should have made me ecstatic made me rather sad instead, was just really frustrating. Seriously, life should have not been this sucky. Aaahh...as I'm writing that, I feel like crying. I got reminded of my graduation period. It was supposed to be such happy moment but I was pretty worried about the future that I didn't have fun. My aunt who was here at that time was telling me that I should just forget about the future for a while, enjoy the break that I deserve and be happy about my achievement. I should feel the same way now, but gosh seriously tears are gonna drop now. I just feel really sad because life is not as bright and rosy as I want it to be. I hate being where I am right now. Hate is maybe too strong but thinking about it, I hate still doing what I'm doing, I hate still being where I am. Not that it is really that bad but it just feels like a failure on my part, because I feel like I'm wasting my life away. It is time for me to let go and I wish I can just let go *sigH*
:) eKa @ 8:24:00 PM • 0 comments
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Hello peeps. Life has been tiring for me. Feels like I have been slammed left and right since I got back. I haven't had any proper sleep. Been spending much time completing my task and 10 pm onwards when I normally lie down and enjoy the TV, I was studying. There was even a day this week when my first heavy meal of the day came at 5 pm, and the day before that, it came at around 2.30 pm. Now I realize why I can be in my size despite of the so much thing I can swallow on 1 sitting, it's because I am very very tired and to think it is not even a week since I am back. Life perhaps can be worse as I have witnessed this week. I guess I should be thankful that I am still protected, or am I?Had my 3rd birthday present of the year. It is a painting of a boat from Starfish. Seriously almost teared a drop that morning when I saw it. It's still wrapped on my desk because I don't really have a place to put it. I showed it to Gascoigne, and he said, wah such boat can have so deep meaning. Well, yeah, me and starfish were in the same boat and this week really showed how I am sinking without him. I guess it is also unfair for him to be plugging all the holes and me getting by. Everything will eventually be surmounted I suppose.
Had dinner with the pets and friends yesterday. Actually had much fun though I think we kinda rampaged the place that I felt it was rather embarrassing. Never mind, I wouldn't be a regular fixture there
Saturday morning was not bad. Luckily I wasn't really late. Was a bit blur at some parts because I forget many things and so Prabh poked me and I even got slapped on my shoulder. My goodness, to think that at one point in time we didn't really know each other well and it seemed unlikely that we would ever have anything in common to talk about. Well we pretty much haven't talked about life issue and all but I guess I take comfort in knowing that there is someone who is as blur as I am
Watched Dreamgirls with Vivy today and how I love it! It is a shame that it is not part of the nominees for best picture in Oscar this year, but I guess they had to choose 5. Jennifer Hudson was really brilliant. Such a powerful voice and strong portrayal. I think her character is a very strong and good role that I feel a bit strange that she is nominated for a supporting role instead of the leading role. I kinda feel that the story pretty much revolved around her. Perhaps it is her strong presence that made me feel that way. Shed a few tears here and there because of her singing. She was really good. Beyonce was looking really beautiful being skinny and all. It is really a good movie and I really enjoy it.
Had padang food for lunch and they were not really that good. The soto ayam made the most impression (not really in a good way) for being very thick and rich with coconut milk. Me and Vivy concluded that we are not much of Padang food people. The eggs were too spicy, the grilled chicken was a bit dry, the rendang chicken just passed, and the soto; goodness, for someone who eat a lot of fattening food, I really do think the soto was too fattening. They did give a very generous serving though. I think Padang food in Indonesia come across as more homey and comforting. Here, they just seem so serious? I think like seriously trying to live up to the high expectation of Padang food that people normally associate with that they kinda fail? I don't know, can't really explain it well and don't take my comments as well peeps, because I am a fussy eater. Okay, I gotta go. I have much drawing to do and emails to reply. Damn it! So tired!!! So much things to do and no time for me, even to write in my diary.
:) eKa @ 8:02:00 PM • 0 comments
Monday, February 26, 2007
Hey peeps. I am back here in Singapore. I was thinking how unlucky I was with this trip, even from the beginning. When I went back, I was having difficulty finding a taxi under the drizzle of rain. I called for one but it never came. NanSee was really good that she tried to locate and get me another taxi, but at that point in time there was no freaking taxi in Singapore. I made it to the airport on time. It was pretty much my first time going to the plane straight away without waiting to board. When I arrived at the Soekarno-Hatta airport, I thought I saw my cousin. But since we haven't seen each other for a long time, I wasn't sure it was him and I didn't say "Hi". I then found out that it was him and I felt pretty bad for not greeting him because I am eternally grateful to him for taking care of me on my first day in Singapore. The trip home from the airport to my house was a pain because of traffic jam.Arriving here early this morning was a worse trip. All started yesterday in the airport when I checked in. I think there were around 3 planes departing to Singapore at around 10 minutes apart and I think all those planes are full of Indonesians going back to Singapore. So checking in was a pain. Then there was the queue for the tax exemption and afterwards there was the queue for the immigration check in. Because of the so many people boarding, my plane was delayed more than half an hour so that everyone can get in. Emirates was pretty nice that it gave us bread, cakes, and drinks while waiting. I must say that flying with Emirates is really really good. Arriving in Singapore, we had to go through another baggage check. I think it's because Singapore thought that Indonesia didn't do a proper job since we were just rushed to take off. Then waiting for my luggage was a pain. Afterwards the taxi queue was a British (I think) tourist said, "It's horrendous!". I think there were 2 taxi queues in the terminal, left and right. Due to the so many people queuing for taxi, the end of the 2 queues actually met! I only got my taxi at around 00:45 am. The taxi uncle was pretty nice, he drove really fast. I think he didn't go below 80 and around half an hour later, I reached my place. With a bit of this and that, I think I slept at around 2 am.
Chinese New Year was not bad. It was actually the NBA all stars weekend. Goodness, I forget how I used to enjoy watching NBA back in junior high school. NBA matches are really cool. Didn't really watch much of the competition and the all stars games though. For once, I really think that Eva Longoria is pretty. I guess it's different seeing the normal her outside Desperate Housewives. What Eva Longoria has anything to do with NBA? Well, get to know more things peeps.
My days at home was pretty okay. There was a heavy thunderous rain last Saturday night that I was really worried that there would be flood. Fortunately, there was none. Had really good sleep on my bed. I love my hard tough bed so much. Didn't bring my vaio home and I actually managed to watch a few DVDs:
:: The Longest Yard - I love it. Love Adam Sandler in it. I think he's a really nice guy. Too bad Chris Rock had to die.
:: Cheaper by the Dozen 2 - I didn't watch the first one. I think the 2nd one is your average family movie. Not so interesting.
:: In Her Shoes - Not bad.
:: Just Like Heaven - aaahh ... so average. After watching this and In Her Shoes, I do wonder what it's like to find that 'guy'.
:: Mean Girls - I think this was pretty good. I think Lindsay Lohan was pretty good in it. She is not a bad actress actually. I guess she should really focus on acting rather than creating drama.
:: Repli-Kate - Aarrgh ... I regret watching this. I feel I was getting dumber after the movie.
:: Click - Just when I thought I like Adam Sandler. Not his fault actually. The idea was interesting but the story was just not that good.
Other than DVDs, there were the usual cartoons, love Jimmy Neutron! Too bad I didn't spend more time for Spongebob, Hey Arnold, and The Rugrats. There were also Oprah. The most captivating one I must say is 4 Mata. Perhaps the hottest talk show currently in Indonesia, hosted by the silly Tukul Arwana, or perhaps in English, he would love it to be known as TooCool. When I first heard news of him, I thought he's some kind of brilliant and sharp comedian. After watching the shows, I think it's his creative team who are the smart ones but now I realize that he himself is pretty good because different people can be given the same resources and how you make the best of it and come out with something amazing show how brilliant and creative you are. There were chances to watch soccer but I missed them. Saw a bit of a Italian Serie A league match (I forget between which). It was pretty weird watching a match without spectators in it. You can actually hear the players shouting. I wonder if they felt it's like a normal training session. There were chances to watch Champion League matches but I couldn't muster the will to get up and Arsenal lost!
Met with the girls twice. Love them. They actually gave me my first birthday present this year and I got another one from Marlisa's sister. I got 2 presents and my birthday is still some weeks to come and I haven't even bought a present for Marlisa. Anyways, I got really girlie stuffs. I think I should really slowly embrace the girliness in me? Well, I guess it's necessary. The girls seemed to be doing pretty alright. I almost forgot to tell you that my dear cousin, Marlisa, created a very lovely card for me. I love it! She must have spent much time doing it.
Had that life discussion with mom and she's not so supportive with what I want to do. There was plan A, make that A1 and A2. However those didn't come true. There was plan B, due to some restriction I actually tone it down but mom disapproves! I wonder what plan C will be (currently there is none). Anyway those things and the fact that today I am getting back to what I have been doing, I just got really depressed and frustrated with my life. To the point that I really felt like crying. Life sucks! Seriously! I feel it with all the bones and blood in me. It's just I don't want my life to be like this. Aaarrrrrggghhhh...I have a headache and a tummy problem that I don't even have the energy to tell you what's wrong with me. Anyway, I'm just gonna be in a mellow mood until further notice and as such I will just be a bitch.
Can I just say that I love Leonardo DiCaprio! and Jennifer Hudson is really a testimony of how God makes everything beautiful and better in His time. Night peeps. A picture from home, cropped and the sky was photoshop enhanced. You are looking at electricity cables and some rain droplets. Taken from my house's 2nd floor balcony. I don't usually spend much time there. One afternoon I actually saw a good looking sky. Stupid me, it didn't occur to me that I should take pictures and after waiting for another sky to appear, which didn't happened, I had to settle with this on my last day.
:) eKa @ 10:42:00 PM • 0 comments
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Finally managed to watch Half Nelson after thinking that I should just let it go since it seemed that I may not have the chance to do so. Before I elaborate about the movie, can I just say that it has been an individualistic start of the week for me. Yesterday I had dinner alone in a public place and today I watched the movie alone. I really like it. It feels good to remember that I can do this, that I can be with myself. Really love the alone movie experience today. Half Nelson was at the Picture House at the Cathay. My first time in that cinema. It looked really cool upon receiving the ticket, because it came in a small black envelope folder (can't really describe it well). The ticket counter girl said that snacks weren't allowed in the cinema (just when I really felt like having snack). So I thought the cinema must be so exclusive, but it wasn't really so. The seats were different. It was a smaller cinema, but nothing special about it. Of course there's the Picture House lounge, which I didn't enter. I wonder if only patrons who are watching in the Picture House get to use the lounge. Either way, the things sold in the lounge seemed to be too high-end for a movie. Okay, enough, let's talk about the movie.Ryan Gosling received an Oscar best male lead nomination for his role in this movie. I forget why I wanted to watch this movie in the first place. I think because I thought the trailer was interesting, and he actually looked attractive in the trailer, and finding out about his Oscar nomination raised my urges even more. Was he really good in this movie? I'm sorry, I think I will be bias. I just love him so much!!! I want a Ryan Gosling type of guy. From the first scene until the end, I just couldn't take my eyes off him and it's not because he's amazingly handsome. He looked rugged and not clean, though he did clean out for the last few seconds of the movie (Thank God!). The point is, given any girl out there, I don't think he will be seen as the handsome one. However ... I love him!!! I love him!!! I love him!!! Oh the eyes! I think they were green. I love him despite of his role as a junkie. It kinda felt a bit strange for me, how a junkie can ever function properly, especially as a teacher. Ryan's role in this movie was very interesting, especially since the story pretty much centered around him. Story wise, the movie is not bad. I wonder what kind of message it tried to deliver, but then it hit me that sometime it is just a story. A story that some people think it might be interesting to be told. Some people may find the movie boring and slow moving but I found it to be interesting enough to keep me on my seat. At one point I thought the ending would be unhappy. There was a really deep-thought-and-emotion-provoking scene which I thought was beautifully made though there were no words being uttered. The ending wasn't a clear happy one but I found it to be pretty hopeful and it made me smile
Finished reading By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept by Paulo Coelho. The same thing, I have no energy to write and analyse the book further. One thing I can say though, I am now pretty curious with charismatic church and how it feels to speak in tongue. It doesn't mean I want to partake in any activity from the church anytime soon. I still find it pretty freaky and that's enough to keep me out. I must say that Coelho is so contradictory. Well I don't think he means to be that way. He believes what he believes and noone has to justify what he believes or conforms with what the norm or what the society accept if they do not fall in the same line as what a person believes. I may not get what Coelho was really trying to say in this book, simply because all the other things got me thinking and questioning. It's another book from him that I read that involved lots of spirituality and God. He does see God in a different way, unlike the conservative Catholic church.
Okay, I cannot write any longer. My mom warned me not to get sick when I get home and I should really rest. I may not have time to write before I go. Don't feel like addressing anyone actually. The individualistic mode may have turned to a selfish / hostile / anti social bitch mode. Take care peeps! Let me leave you with a line that Ryan Gosling said to his students in Half Nelson. I got the answer correct, by the way
The sun goes up and then it comes down, but everytime that happens what do you get?
You get a new day.
:) eKa @ 10:48:00 PM • 0 comments
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Sometime it matters pretty much. Sometime it doesn't matter. Sometime the desire to take the plunge and chase that dream kicks in badly that everything seems possible. Sometime reality checks come in and the dream has lots of paper works to be dealt with. This morning was one of those days when I felt pretty demoralized. Not having the happiest day today though people had been pretty nice. Feeling very mellow and sad and afraid. I wonder why though these feelings can continue to seep through, I never get used to it. I just need to take that step perhaps and take it from there. But days like these are the days when I'm very clouded and waver. I guess I need to remind myself times and times again that I need to do justice for my life and I don't want to die without having done something really really good for me. You can't rely on other people, so you must make sure that you will be kind to yourself.Was invited to a traffic party tonight. I must say that the concept is interesting. However of course I didn't go. Here I am blogging. The peeps were pretty nice about it and tried their best to convince me to go. I'm always stunned with the sincere care that people show me, especially these peeps. They are really nice people. Gosh, chances like this may not come again, to be invited to a party by the organizer herself who happens to be quite well known in her industry. But it's just not me. I wouldn't know how to react and I would be a bore there. Nevertheless I can not help thinking that the 10-year old me would have expected the 25-year old me to do such thing. So see, I am already disappointing myself. Maybe I can take comfort that I am not yet 25? No, I cannot *sigh*
Flood has gone away in my parent's parts of the world. So home is a real possibility now. It will not be long enough for me, but I guess I must make do with it, and get all the necessary life discussion going on. It's really important for me to know that they are supportive with what I want to do. Afterwards, I guess I should really get off my chair and get moving. It's very scary thinking of everything, thinking of all the people I've met. The people pretty much got me thinking a lot today. It has been a blessing and an interesting encounter indeed. Like the people I've been spending my Saturdays with. It was scary when I first started and I still get nervous pretty often, but it's been an interesting meetings with them. So I will leave you with a line from one of Letto's song, I'll Find a Way, below. It's not just about a person, it's about many people, a group of people, and of places. The title of the post is also from one of their song, Truth, Cry, and Lie. I hope I am that charmingly sentimental brain
...you cast your spell on me darling...
:) eKa @ 11:19:00 PM • 0 comments
Sunday, February 04, 2007
If you watch the news regularly here in Singapore, you will know that Jakarta is currently having a bad flood. It's been making the news for 3 days now. My mom first told me about it on Friday morning. Our area is flooded but luckily the water hasn't flooded our house (just yet). Just received an sms from my mom hours ago, saying that it's around 2 cm more and our house will be flooded. I really hope that it wouldn't come to that. To have the water come in our house would mean that the water in the street in front of our house reaches around 1.5 m. It is really really scary. I managed to call my mom yesterday night. The flood subsided and was not bad last night. We still managed to laugh about it but right now I think it's really really rally bad. Imagine seeing a raft floating around in front of your house, how bizzare is that? Yesterday I can still see the fun of it, but after 3 days and my parents are still suffering with no electricity and running water, and the forecast of things getting worst, it is so NOT right!!! Of course, my parents are still the fortunate ones. I mean there are people who are worse off, our neighbours for example who I heard have taken refuge in our house. My cousins also took refuge in our place 2 days ago and perhaps today as well. I suppose their parents are persistently staying in their flooded house just to make sure things are alright. You don't want people to go and rob your house, hence the persistence if you are wondering.Imagine now as I am writing this at 7 pm +, imagine Jakarta, flooded and no electricity. It's dark, that also means your fridge is not working, which means whatever meat or vegetables you have in your fridge will most probably get spoilt. I heard from my mom that there are people coming in the raft and bringing them food, like biscuits and being the typical Indonesian (we love our instant noodle), they are also getting instant noodle. To live with instant noodles for days, you're gonna get sick. Then there's also no water, so they must really use water wisely, and showering is really out of the question. It's also not like you can go out there and buy food. I also imagine that it gets quite cold. So for all you God believer out there, can you say a little prayer for my beloved home, so that things will get better. This makes me wonder if I can go home in less than 2 weeks time. I will be so miserable if I am stuck here for Chinese new year. I also feel a bit bad that my family are suffering there and I am not there with them. I often feel like I miss out on the many happenings with my family, especially with my mom. As such, it really makes me wonder if I should be here *sigH* Please say a lil' prayer, peeps.
I had lunch and Starbucks chilling out session with the circle of trust yesterday. We had a complete set yesterday. Ms. J and I were actually discussing some days ago that coming into it we would stand united and not divulge some of the shocking things in our life. In the end we let it all out. Well, I was most worried with awkward silence and so some scandalous information must be revealed for the sake of having a conversation. I regret saying some of the things that I said. As bad as I am for saying this, but I have a big apprehension that the circle of trust is as strong as we were. Paranoia is building in me. As luck would have it, NanSee called me yesterday evening and we touched on an issue that I shared with the circle of trust. She said I would be so dead if I disclose it, and I did, and she totally thought that I had made a mistake. I think she's right. Seriously, I am so paranoid right now *sigH* Anyway, Metallotorto gave a good analysis on Ms.J's situation. You do need to hear it from a guy's perspective.
Starfish finally called it quit on Friday. I had my doubt that he would do it and he did. So now, I should really take the leap as well. I was so nervous for him. Seriously when I saw egg came, I think I blurted "shit!" and my heart was beating faster and my hands were getting colder. I didn't expect to be nervous. I'd always thought that there's nothing to be nervous about, but turns out it was nerve-wrecking. Starfish handled it really nice actually, it was really amicable of him. I don't think I would care that much. Around 2 weeks ago, he wrote such a touching post in his blog that made me teared a drop. I said goodie bag, he said basket *sigH* It was really comforting to have him in the same boat. It's really comforting to know that he shares all the frustration and feeling on unfairness that I also feel. I think we both managed to put pressure on egg last year. Yes, A4 was the one who did the talking and pushing but I think since me and starfish stand united, things are better for the pets now. I think I actually didn't do much, because they were more frontal than me. So I kinda fly under the radar and yet I also gain the profit. People weren't there when we first started, they weren't there to see the struggle we had when we there were just us and we were trying so hard to cover all our basis. He has been smart and helpful and I am just thankful to be trusted enough by him. I feel he has been treated unfairly but I hope what I think will come true.
Take care peeps!
LATEST NEWS (added 08:38 pm) - My mom just sent me an sms. Our house is flooded now, it's around ankle length in our first floor. They are moving up now. This is definitely the worst flood ever.
:) eKa @ 7:11:00 PM • 0 comments
bluesky.
photos.
archives.