Saturday, March 24, 2007

Dead-End or Cul-De-Sac

I wonder if dead-end and cul-de-sac means the same thing. Seemed similar but a bit different, I guess it depends on how you see it. Today I feel my life is a dead-end. Yes, another of me complaining about my life. People may be tired of this and try to rationalize or just want to throw me from the 3rd floor balcony to shut me up, but hey ... right now I just want to be consumed by myself no matter how wrong and unhealthy that is. I haven't met anyone who feel what I am feeling so I don't know how to deal with all these frustration. I know other people have their own frustration but so far the people I know of, well...all of them seem to be okay with life. Reading Carl's blog, she perhaps has some issue but overall I think she's pretty happy with life. So my point is, I just don't know anyone who is experiencing a dead end in their life. Even worse than feeling that, I feel that everyone that I know think that dead end is not possible because they have plans or perhaps they don't have expectation or desire (or if they have, all are pretty practical) and hence life is pretty okay. I am not saying that my life is not okay. I'm not rich, but I have enough money to spend, I have people who make me laugh, I have people who tell me interesting stories and such. The only thing that make all that not so rosy is being in my age and feeling like I am running out of time to do something extremely great for my life. Why running out of time? Because face it, adulthood and responsibility are seriously knocking at my door and before I submit to that, I just want to make sure I do something really good for myself or perhaps cover my basis so that I can die feeling contented.

Anyways, I guess the suckyness started yesterday afternoon. Can't really tell you what happened but let me tell you the thoughts that came to my head. I took my usual taxi ride and in the taxi I was thinking that it was when I was around 14 or when my brother was around 14 ... well let's just settle that it was around that period in our life that our relationship turned uncontrollably bad until now. So I thought that it is perhaps my bad karma that I have to endure similar things in tenfold or perhaps more. I have to deal with all the idiotic things and stubbornness. Was quite angry yesterday and yet as I was trying to toughen it up, I felt like crying and so I wonder why can't I just be angry properly. Silence did ensue when I was making my point but the stubbornness continued *sigH* That sucky feeling lingered as today commenced that I kinda dreaded my Saturday's engagement. Tried to prepare myself yesterday but I guess I just couldn't really muster enough concentration that I was lousy and made stupid mistakes *sigH*

Things were slightly better today after I talked to my mom and had a few laugh. My uncle from Hongkong is visiting the family and I already heard some drama happening. Who would have thought that such things can happen to our family One thing I can say though, that we pretty much share the same gene in terms of anger and all. When we don't like someone, we really can be icebergs As bad as I am for saying this, I feel glad to know that they are capable of doing the same thing as I am Anyway, talking about family, I just got to thinking that some people are with their family, some people see their family often, and I get at most 1 month a year to see some of my family. That's like around 30 days in the whole of 365 days a year. I just feel rather sad realizing that. See how I alone I am. People may think it's not a big deal, friends can be family and such but I am pretty much alone. Will things get easier if I choose to live with my family, mom, dad, cousins, and all? I don't know. I've spent much effort trying to make do with me, I guess I just don't think I'm failing yet and hence I'm still trying to love me and be with me.

So in these few days I actually get total alone time, total freedom, which was spent humming to Malid & d'Essentials just now. Strangely I wasn't that excited upon getting the news. In the past, such chances had been filled with much sugar but now I tried to take it easy. I am enjoying the freedom, the silence, the space (though recent stories do make me look around even more and dislike the dark). It's just another very ordinary and bland Saturday. I guess for this one, I'm not gonna complain, I'm just happy to be able to spend time listening to songs alone, in my computer and such.

:) eKa @ 9:33:00 PM •