Tuesday, March 06, 2007

The Pursuit of Happyness

Went to watch The Pursuit of Happyness today ... alone. Seriously I don't mind watching alone. Was really happy to be doing it actually, because I just feel I need the time alone. The movie was ... well, Vivy watched it last Friday and I asked if she wanted to cry. Then 2 girls yesterday told me that the movie was really touching that one of them cried and the other wanted to cry. Me? Well, I suppose there were some touching scenes but I just wasn't really that moved. I think Will Smith looked so much older. Maybe to depict all the hardship. I also felt he looked skinnier, I guess because of all the sprint he had to do. There were so many running involved. His boy, Jaden, was cute but I felt he looked so much better during the Oscar award. Was it a good movie? I think so, especially since it was based on a true story. Very inspiring indeed.

The main character, Chris Gardner, had to go through a lot and in the end it paid off. This got me thinking of our own hardship and so called "suffering". I usually think that we need to experience all the hard things that come our way because God is preparing us for more challenging things in the future. After the movie, I feel that perhaps if we persevere and accept all the hardship that we go through, one day we will get that reward and it will be sweet. I like to believe that. Unfortunately, I don't think I have suffered enough. Obviously not as much as Chris Gardner. So I have no right to complain because I'm doing alright. Still far from purchasing a Ferrari but I get to eat everyday and I don't have to sleep in a toilet, so what do I have to complain about?

Oh yeah, the movie kinda made me want to have a Rubik cube. Anyone? My birthday is coming. Talking about birthday. I actually forgot my dear cousin, Marlisa's birthday. I feel like shit. How can I forget? I'm pretty pissed with myself. It is not impossible to do all, there are enough time, enough energy. I just watched a movie that proved that. However, I've not been doing that. I've been complaining there's not enough time for myself and such (I still pretty much stand by that argument) but I guess I should give more time for others? aaahh I cannot do that, I just can't feel sincere about it *sigh* sorry.

Feeling kinda sad today. Claire is no longer here. Geez, I promised myself that I would write about her and until now I haven't done so. I first met her when she was 3 or 4 and now I think she is 5. She was really shy when I first saw her, holding her's mom legs. Then she started to warm up and asked me questions during dinner and such. There was a period when she was infatuated with my cat and ducks. Then I think her aunt reprimanded her for invading my privacy. There were times when she would play hard-to-get, but there were times also when she would run to me and called out to me when I was back. Then there were also the accidental babysitting that she forced me to do. It felt to be such a chore that time. I still don't want to do it now, but I just feel very sad (should I say sadder because I am already sad these days) not having such welcome when I'm back anymore and having to have my dinner alone. The loneliness kinda becomes pretty unbearable. Somehow when I reach the door, I feel that it's the end of my human contact and it just feels sad, really really sad. I guess as much as they can be annoying, it's good to know they were there, although they weren't in my zone. I feel sad. Maybe I'll get over it. I know that she perhaps has gone over me, being the little kid that she is. Interesting things in school must have made me forgotten.

Today I mailed a letter that should have made me smiling upon doing it, but what I felt was sadness and frustration. I imagined being happy, because it finally comes to an end. I imagined I would do it excitedly but with everything that was happening, I was actually 1 week later than what I was planning. The fact that something should have made me ecstatic made me rather sad instead, was just really frustrating. Seriously, life should have not been this sucky. Aaahh...as I'm writing that, I feel like crying. I got reminded of my graduation period. It was supposed to be such happy moment but I was pretty worried about the future that I didn't have fun. My aunt who was here at that time was telling me that I should just forget about the future for a while, enjoy the break that I deserve and be happy about my achievement. I should feel the same way now, but gosh seriously tears are gonna drop now. I just feel really sad because life is not as bright and rosy as I want it to be. I hate being where I am right now. Hate is maybe too strong but thinking about it, I hate still doing what I'm doing, I hate still being where I am. Not that it is really that bad but it just feels like a failure on my part, because I feel like I'm wasting my life away. It is time for me to let go and I wish I can just let go *sigH*

:) eKa @ 8:24:00 PM •