Saturday, February 27, 2010
Hi peeps. Titanic is on TV right now. How adorable was Leonardo diCaprio!!! So anyways peeps I have been back in Singapore for 3-4 days now. Arrived here on Wednesday night and I have been quite tired going back to the routine, unpacking the stuff I had, laundry, and ironing the stack of clothes which was waiting for me. I also managed to do my homework, to the surprise and delight of a boy which I'm gonna call Nicky in this blog. I was kinda nervous about this morning's session, simply because I was scared that Mr.P was gonna torture me to talk about what I did during my holiday. I was kinda sad that Yeni wasn't coming and it seems she's not gonna continue as well :( I like having an Indonesian around. The Indonesian language is still running pretty deep in me after my holiday that I almost answered Raggio's question today in Indonesian. Well, maybe I can take comfort in the fact that Mau will still be there, as well as many of the people I have grown accustomed to.So how was my holiday? Well the last time I wrote, I wrote about how battered and wounded I was that I think it really took a toll on my health. Or perhaps I could be simply unlucky. I got sick and I had to see the doctor twice for 2 different reasons *sigh* In fact the last time I went to see the doctor was last Sunday and so I guess my energy level has not really come back to its fullest state. I actually felt pretty weird with my body today :( and after days of averaging a 9-11 hours of sleep, I have been having around only 6 hours still I came back :( Then not to mention, Singapore is really really darn hot :(
I'm gonna give you the boring story of me getting sick back home. The first visit to the doctor happened after Chinese New Year. I had flu. My mom wondered why I was having flu when I had flu vaccination. Well to defend the nice Singapore doctor who gave me the shot, I skipped the whole runny nose part and went straight to the bad sore throat and coughing :( I knew I needed antibiotic as usually prescribed by my doctor in Singapore. The Indonesian doctor did give me that, which now that I remember, all his dose was lower than what the Singapore doctor usually tells me to take. The indonesian doctor told me to take 1 pill instead of the usual 2 which I am normally told here. I don't know if the dosage of the Indonesian medicines in themselves are stronger. I kinda doubt it. The second visit to the doctor happened because of a stranger reason. You see, last Sunday I was supposed to went to a crater lake in Bandung (a city outside Jakarta) with my aunts. My aunts were picking me up at 5 am (darn they do start early in Jakarta! More about that later). So anyways, somehow last Saturday I couldn't sleep, which was strange. I usually slept easily at home but that night I couldn't sleep at all. Then I started to feel sick and nauseous and sometime before 4 am, I vomitted! It's been years since I vomitted, so I was alarmed but somehow when my aunt called me saying she was on the way, I didn't tell her that I was feeling sick. By the way, my mom wasn't around at that time and my dad was leaving for work soon after and I don't know why eiher, I didn't tell my dad before he left that I vomitted. I vomitted one more time before 5 and before I knew it, my aunts have arrived. So I went with them, still didn't tell them that I vomitted earlier. Around 10-15 minutes in the car, I vomitted again :( then I told them that I couldn't make it. We were actually going to another aunt's house first to pick my cousin and my aunt told me to just go there first and rest. We arrived, I was feeling really unwell. They felt that I had too much wind in my body which they were most probably right. My aunt tried to help me with the traditional dikerok. I wasn't feeling better so it was decided that we were not going to make it for the trip. My aunts told me to rest first until I felt better, so we waited. Sometime before 7, my aunt received a call that her sister in law had died. She was pretty sad. She was crying and it's never easy to see someone older, who you look up to, cried. In the end my other aunt encouraged this aunt to just take a flight to Semarang (which is in central Java. Jakarta is in west Java by the way) for the funeral and so they went. So it's kinda fate played a hand of me getting sick and as such we were not able to leave as planned and thus we were still around when my aunt got the call which then allowed my other aunt to accompany her. The being sick part still wasn't nice. I got worse. I ended up having high temperature and that's when my dad had to take me to the doctor again. It's really like there's a lot of wind in my body and they were kinda trapped and I felt so sick :'( I cried in fact. Not because it hurt but more because I was mellow and moody. You see my mother wasn't around. She was in Bangka at that time to do the customary prayer since my uncle's grave had been completed. I was really really feeling sick but thank God the drugs work and Monday morning, I was feeling better.
So with the sickness, I didn't really go out much. In fact, I only went to the mall one time. It was good though because I got to try the pancakes from Pancious. Pancious is a pancake restaurant which my Indonesian friends have been raving in Facebook. I love this place! If only there's such place in Singapore too. The visit there brought a lovely surprise because I got to see Stella! My roommate back in NUS. It was such a coincidence, a good one. She had some tears in her eyes, which made me wanna cry too :P I finally got to see her 3 kids, which were such a fun group to watch. I think Stella is like the pinnacle of housewife that many women in Indonesia would really like to be. You see, she has 3 kids, 2 nannies, and a maid. The only thing missing in her household is a driver, which she perhaps also has anyway. So she's quite a successful housewife in a sense :) Anyway, in the mall I also got a haircut. Somehow I feel my hair should have been shorter. I had my hair cut by the same person who cut it last year. I gave her a really generous tip which gonna makes my mom mad if she finds out. Well I hope people will see me as being nice instead of a dumbass :P
For Chinese New Year, we did go visiting to aunts and uncles' houses. The trips each had some unfortunate events :( The first one saw us getting lost in finding our way back, that we were on the road for 1-2 hours longer than we should have been. The second trip saw the air conditiner broken down that it was blowing hot air :( I should have sensed something was wrong with my body when I didn't sweat as much as my mom and aunties who seemed like they were in a sauna. I guess these things might have contributed to me getting sick. Also the fact of that I didn't really watch what I ate, especially the many rambutans that I had which my dear dear mother nicely peeled off. I didn't even have to work to peel them off :P
The sickness also caused me to bail out on my dear friends, Marlisa, Dewi, and Emilia twice. We did meet one time and had dinner in Cheesecake Factory, another place I heard people mentioned in Facebook. This was a place I was interested in seeing because it's where Penny from The Big Bang Theory works. I expected the waiters to be wearing Penny's uniform, unfortunately they didn't. They did wear vests, but they were black. I don't know if the Cheesecake Factory in Indonesia has any relation to the ones in the US. We tried the cheese cakes but somehow I didn't find them to be amazingly extraordinary.
Oh yeah, I did go to Sari's wedding dinner with my dad, aunt, and uncle. Sari is my classmate back in high school. We were in the same class in our 2nd grade and we sat together. It was a javanese wedding, so it's kinda cool to see the costume they wear. The males had keris on their back. Well I don't know if there were actual keris in the sheaths. I got to see a few of high school friends as well. It's always surprised me that people can still recognize me. Well according to Wira who nicely greeted me, I looked the same :P somehow I always think I change :P Too bad Emilia didn't come though. Oh yeah, speaking about Indonesian custom and such, I love how batik has become so popular in Indonesia. I wanted to get me a batik skirt but I couldn't find any and of all the shirts I saw, I didn't find one which I really like. Now I regret not having bought any, I should have looked harder :(
So that's pretty much it about life back home. I had fun though. I like being able to get away from my Singapore's life. I like seeing my mom and spending time with my mom and dad watching tv. I like the chance I had on spending time with my aunts, uncles, and cousins, however short it was. I got to see my cousin's kids which were also quite a higlight. Unfortunately with me being sick, I wasn't able to see them more often. I like just spending time in my house, watching Indonesian TV and the DVDs that my brother bought. Indonesian TV stations are still showing some rubbish but I like some of the things that they show. I kinda miss them now. I like the fact that Indonesian TV stations are really about the people. Unlike Singapore TV stations who are more about the profit. You see, without cable TV, Indonesian get to watch live sport matches from the tv stations, like NBA games, boxing, formula 1, etc. In fact we spent the Chinese New Year holidays watching all stars NBA games on tv. Day 1 was the dunking competition and the other types of competition, kinda cool. Day 2 was the East VS the West. The ending was tight! Then for the world cup this year, Indonesian will have easy access to watch all the matches live! I like that it's like that in Indonesia. In Singapore, I will not have access to these matches because I don't have cable. BOOHOO!!! Things like this really can unite the nation because it's something that people can talk about. Unfortunately it's not like that in Singapore :( Not everyone will get to watch the matches, so only a few people will be able to talk about it. Not all men, women, and children :(
Anyway, I found out that there were many important things that happened to my family that my mother didn't tell me. So it's kinda sad. Like the fact, that there was a time when my mother was sick, my father got hurt, and also the time when my brother had an accident. I couldn't believe they didn't tell me that my brother had quite an accident! It's sad to be missing out on this. Oh I need to tell about how Indonesian do start early. Well I would say that Indonesians are laid back, which some people may see as kinda lazy, but for these laid back Indonesians in Jakarta, they do start their day early that I think it's pretty crazy. I have once wrote about how a tv station has started airing their news live at 4-5 am. People are actually awake and already working at that hour. My mom told me about how my aunt took her to see a traditional chinese medicine doctor at 4 am when my mother had a really bad pain in her waist. She said people had started queuing at that hour and the doctor does start the practice that early! Even my aunt started cooking at 3 am to prepare our food for the trip last Sunday, it's crazy! She walked out to buy cucumbers at 4 am something and people have actually already started selling stuff! It seems even normal for my cousins to be waking up that early. Jakarta is just wonderfully chaotic, quirky, and unexpectedly amazing for me. This time around, I don't have much complain about its imperfection. I just love it so much! Hence that's why I feel that Indonesia is still home for me, even after years in Singapore. I love it dearly! I love my home, I love Jakarta, I love Indonesia :) Still so many things to write but maybe some other time. It's been pretty long. Take care peeps!
:) eKa @ 8:00:00 PM • 0 comments
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Gonna go home today. I hope I can make it alright because my passport is actually expiring in less than 3 months. I hope I can make it back to Jakarta. I am not so concerned about not being able to come back to Singapore. I was telling NanSee just now how unlucky I have been these days. I think I am so battered and wounded in my life right now. I really need to go home. If I am a character in a game, my lifeline is diminishing fast. I could feel it when I woke up this morning, like my energy is really running out fast. So I really really hope, I can reach home in one piece.This week has been pretty scary. Something really really bad and wrong happens in my body. I should be seeing a doctor but I didn't. I guess simply because I am scared to see her and get diagnosed and if it's of concern (which it is actually), I have to go through more tests and with that the ultimate bad news may come my way :'( I know I should't be ignoring the fact that something is really wrong with my body, but I am. I am hoping that it will be okay on its own soon :( I am not supposed to do this, really. I was seeking comfort from googling, which is so WRONG! I mean if such thing happens to you, I will urge you to see a doctor. It's just of all the so many things I can do and should do alone, I really don't want to do this alone :'( Anyways, I've told my mom. So if it's not getting better back home, at least I have the whole family there to help me get through what it is I need to get through.
Well nothing much else to say. I wish you guys a Happy Chinese New Year!!! Happy holidays! As usual I am pretty depressed thinking that I have to go back here. Aaarrrgghhh. For now, I am just so comforted thinking about dinner and my nice bed. Finally I will be able to sleep. Take care peeps. See you when I see you.
:) eKa @ 12:21:00 PM • 0 comments
Saturday, February 06, 2010
Darn, I woke up from my nap today with a severe flu. My head is so heavy right now and I cannot breathe properly. Aarrrghh, so this post may gonna be an explosion of random thoughts jumping in my head incoherently.The title of the post is from a movie I watched this week, Everybody's Fine, starring Robert De Niro, Drew Barrymore, Kate Beckinsale, and Sam Rockwell. This movie is based on an Italian movie called Stanno Tutti Bene, which unfortunately I haven't watched. I did watch part of it in youtube and it seems to be very interesting. Anyways, Everybody's Fine tells a story of this old man (Robert De Niro) who decided to do a surprise visit to his 4 adult children. All because the kids all bailed on him when they were supposed to drop by for a gathering. So he went to each of the cities the kids were living in. He felt a distance with each of the kids, like they couldn't really say anything that they felt, when they used to do so with his wife who's dead now. Cut the long story short, in the end, he found out what's been going on in their kids' life. It's kinda very touching. Maybe I was just in such an emotional state though. He asked each of the kids, "Are you happy?". That question makes me so sad simply because I am not. Kinda made me wanna cry. One scene in the end showed the old man talking to his wife at her grave, kinda saying something along the line that the kids have problems in their lives but bottomline they're fine. Again it made me wanna cry. I relate to that. I am unhappy and depressed in life, but I am fine. I'm okay. I'm hanging in there. I don't know when will I reach the point of 'not fine'. I hope I will know that moment should it arrives before it's too late *sigh*
This week has been quite a whirlwhind week. It's amazing how fast things could happen. Did a few things this week that caused my nerves to run on high. However I don't think any of them will work out. For someone who seems so sure of herself, I actually have confident issue. What I really really want is to stop. That brings a lot of points to my head. Certain things seem more and more logical and there's a sense acceptance building in me. However it still messes up with my head a lot. I just don't want to hate myself in the end. I don't mind hating other people, but to hate myself is not really an option since I am stuck with myself forever *sigh*
Anyway, home is in a few days, less than a week. I am actually looking forward to leave this place and go home. However with the crazy week I have been having, there's no room for excitement. I should really get packing. I hope I can get everything done tomorrow. I have kinda get everything that I need to bring home. Didn't really do much chinese new year shopping, since financially I need to settle a few things *sigh* As usual, I am already depressed thinking that I will have to come back here eventually. Home is the safe place for me. Home is where noone will hurt me and I am loved and cared for. So to leave that is hard. How does one leave from that? *sigh* If you haven't thought much about your home, do think about it. Do cherish the parents who are living with you and don't take them for granted because really at the end of the day, it kills your parents' hearts to see you miserable in life.
My flu is really killing me and I am feeling a bit warm now. Goodnight peeps!
:) eKa @ 11:10:00 PM • 0 comments
Saturday, January 30, 2010
For We Walk By Faith, Not By Sight - 2 Corinthians 5:7
The title of the post is the bible verse that I got yesterday. Kinda made me wanna cry. In fact, I was thinking, God, You too? You want to make cry as well? I had quite a horrendous week. Well the beginning was promising but going into the middle and towards the end, I was badly broken. My whole system is broken and shaken and the only words I can use to describe how I am right now is in Indonesian, and it's patah semangat. Another words that can explain me is, Eka lemas banget and as such I didn't go to Donikon's wedding today. It's hard to put that strong-eveything-is-okay front. The shittiest thing is that that's exactly the look that I need to be wearing right now *sigh*The bible verse brings a point of discussion. I have heard this many time that if you do not know where you are going, then how are you going to walk? You have to set your sight on something then you'll have a direction on where you should walk. But the bible verse asks faith to be our guide instead of sight. On my contemplation of the things that happened this week, I was thinking how screwed I am if there is no God afterall. God is the reason for my courage, my patience, and many other things in my life. I take and accept certain things because I believe that God has a reason, that whatever it is that I have to deal with is just a component of something bigger and wonderful. This week is really testing my belief on that. Is there a point to any of this? I have experienced many shits and in the end, they all more or less make sense. This time around, I cannot wrap my head around this. To make matter sadder for me is my mother's opinion on the whole thing. My mother takes a stand for my happiness and justice and it is sad because to go against what she wishes is hard. My mom is a real hardworker by the way, so for her to form that opinion of hers, she has weight it against her life experience, not just as a mother who wants her kids to be happy. By the way, I don't think my parents are ever the types who put happiness first. They believe in hardship and not giving up in life. So for her to come to her opinion is a big deal. Darn, even as I am writing this, I can feel how broken my heart is. It's kinda hard to breathe. When I first read that bible verse, I felt that God was telling me to have faith, to believe that everything will make sense, that what I see right now is not what it seems to be. Now as I am writing this, I feel that what God is saying can also be for the other route. The curse of the pisces, I feel. I'm normally capable of seeing 2 sides of a situation equally well. One would think that it would make you more informed and better in your decision making but most of the time it brings me dilemma.
So bottomline, Eka is very broken. Again, I wish I can freeze this 9 pm something so that I don't have to deal with the coming week. I am thankful though to everyone who listened and as much as perhaps they couldn't say the right thing to lift me up, I know it's not easy to hear me out. I am so touched by how some of them really showed much love. Oshie and NanSee were really nice by trying to keep up with the breaking news. Then there was Rista, who of course is always capable of giving words of comfort *sigh* I think I should say something brighter. I would just like to say how I enjoy spending every Saturday morning with a group of people who have weird and funny dynamic and are always able to make me laugh. I don't enjoy the waking up early in the morning, but they are quite a solace for me after a difficult week. They will never fail to make me laugh and we do laugh a lot. For that I am thankful to God.
:) eKa @ 9:23:00 PM • 0 comments
Sunday, January 24, 2010
So I went to the Indonesian embassy yesterday evening for Ata's wedding. I have been in the embassy before, not a lot, maybe around 5 times in my whole 9 years plus here. As such, I didn't realize how big the compound is. It's actually pretty big. They have a musholla there and some other things which I didn't realize exist and apparently the ambassador lives in the compound as well. The buildings were kinda old and somehow it does feel like Indonesia there, which is comforting. They are not high rise buildings, more like a 2-storey house kinda thing. It reminded me of old hospitals in Jakarta which do not have high buildings, instead the buildings are more like 1-2 storey long houses with small gardens all around.By the way, so many things are distracting me in writting this post right now. My thoughts are running all over the place. Anyway, so in Ata's wedding, I met many of my NUS friends. People whom I haven't seen for many years, maybe 5 years plus. It gets pretty weird recognizing their names. Their faces may not change but somehow their names slipped and in a split second, you gotta be quick and remember their names before shaking hands and saying "hi" :P I am sure many of them forget my name too :P Well many of my NUS friends have really moved on with lives, you know being married and kids and such but many of them have moved on in other ways too. Like changing citizenship and purchasing a house here, having their sister or brother coming over. They are all seem so successful. Kinda weird to see that many have moved out from Singapore and yet there are many too who are putting roots here. Everyone seems happy but you never know how people are deep down inside, right?
Seeing them, I feel that the guys mantain a better bond than the girls. It seems that the guys though they perhaps were not so close back in school (or it seemed not so close), are still there for each other. Maybe guys are like that, since they are not so emotional like girls, their friendships have less drama but more stable. They don't require the hanging out often, but would be there when the time comes. The girls on the other hand may have been quite close with other girls back in school but don't really maintain that relationship. I suppose if a girl don't talk often with each other, one can be sure that that relationship dissipates and they may not be playing any role in the big events. The girls though maintain 1 or 2 close friends who are like their constants. I don't know if I am making any sense :P
Thoughts are really running all over my head that some things that I thought I was going to write are not there anymore. Take care peeps, hope you have a great week ahead :D
:) eKa @ 7:33:00 PM • 0 comments
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Went to watch The Blind Side with Vivy yesterday. She, being a Sandra Bullock fan, is very susceptible in watching any movie by her. I have no idea why the only adjective I can think of to use in that sentence is "susceptible". As for me, I just like a good movie and the trailer seemed promising. It turns out to be a really good movie indeed. I like it very much. There was a time when I found that the movie was running pretty long but I actually welcomed it very much because the movie didn't just stop at the happy ending one would assume. Instead it covered more parts of the journey of Michael Oher and the Tuohy family, the "after happy ending" part. I thought all the casts were great. The ones who stole the limelight were of course Sandra Bullock and the little boy who played SJ Tuohy. That boy was just such fun to watch. He's so adorable with his freckles and imperfect teeth. He really defined that personality would always win than look. Kinda weird to see that the real SJ Tuohy is not that adorable :P Sandra Bullock of course just won a golden globe for her performance in this movie. She was really awesome in her role as Leigh Anne Tuohy. I don't think we have ever seen Sandra Bullock that way before. As for the boy who played Michael Oher, well he's not bad himself. One would really sympathize to his predicament and rooting for him to really get something good. I was reading about the movie, it seemed though that the real Michael Oher is not as passive as the one in the movie. So perhaps as with many things in this movie, there's a lot of dramatization going on :P Overall, I really like the movie. So go and watch it peeps, it's really good even though maybe straight guys wouldn't share my opinion :PI have been feeling cold these days. I don't know why. Even now, as much as the room is a bit warm, my hands are rather cold :( Am I going to get sick? I am really really tired. I haven't been sleeping well since Sunday. I don't even know if I really slept at night. I'm pretty emotional as well. I felt like crying when I was waiting for my bus this evening. Then I remembered about the CNN articles I read this morning, about the Haitians who are suffering and so to be crying and screaming to God to lift my burden seemed rather inappropriate :( I was contemplating in what language I should write this next paragraph in. Didn't want to do it in English because I just don't want some people to understand it. Then I am too tired to write in Italian so I will write it in Indonesian. I think I wouldn't be able to write all of it in Indonesian though, there will be some english in it. I really need to go home and speak Indonesian fully.
Jadi ada apa Eka? Nggak mau nulis pake bahasa inggris soalnya kalo orang ngerti dan baca pasti mereka bilang kalo gua ngeluh terus dan nggak pernah bergerak untuk keluar dari penderitaan gua. BT nya sama orang-orang kae gini adalah, namanya orang curhat itu yah untuk mencurahkan kegundahan hati, bukan untuk dibilangin elu salah, elu mustinya gini dan gitu. Namanya juga curhat. Tapi orang-orang yang gua harapin untuk bisa dengerin gua selalu nggak bisa dengar gua curhat tanpa mengkritik gua. Tolong lah, ketika orang-orang itu curhat tentang cewek yang dikejar tapi nolak, tentang kakak mereka yang nge-BT-in, tentang mantan pacar yang nggak bener, gua dengan sabarnya dengerin. Yang gua pengen dengar adalah tenang Ka, semuanya bakal baik-baik aja kok, Tuhan pasti jagain elu. Nggak usah terlalu khawatir. Elu pasti bisa melalui ini. Tapi yang ada orang-orang yang bikin BT itu pasti bilangnya, elu nggak mau nolongin diri elu sendiri, gimana Tuhan mau nolongin elu? Mungkin lah mereka benar, tapi saat ini gua cuma pengen dengar kalo semuanya bakal baik-baik aja. Makanya malas gua akhirnya curhat sama orang-orang itu semua. Kalo ini gua ceritain ke anak-anak indo, banyak juga yang bilang, kaenya orang Singapur kae gitu deh, nggak sebaik anak Indo. Iya ya? Gua udah cape sama Singapur. Tapi untuk balik ke Indo, buat gua berasa seperti kebebasan terampas :( Aduh Eka kenapa sih elu nggak bahagia banget? Udah nulis 1 paragraf, tapi belum sampe ke inti kesedihan dan kekecewaan gua :( Mungkin nggak semua harus elu beritakan ke dunia, mungkin banyak hal emang harus elu simpan dan hadapi sendiri. Ingat Tuhan lah, meski nggak ada siapa-siapa di sekitar kita, selalu ada Tuhan. Kuatkan iman Ka, yang sabar yah! Jadi menghibur diri sendiri nih :( sedih banget ya?
:) eKa @ 8:37:00 PM • 0 comments
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Watched New York, I Love You with Vivy today. This movie didn't get much publicity that it was by chance that I found out that it was out. I can't help comparing this one to Paris, Je T'Aime, the movie in which New York, I Love You was modelled after. Well there are many differences between the 2 movies, obviously the location and the language, but one other main difference is Paris, Je T'Aime was very segmented while in New York, I Love You, the characters still kinda can been seen walking in and out of scenes of segments not related to them. So this thing about New York, I Love You make it more similar to movies like Crash, Love Actually, and Babel. Storywise, I felt that Paris, Je T'Aime had more creativity and depth in their stories. Some of the stories in it were so different and kinda in a different plane of existence from each other, for example the segment about the vampire and the little boy talking about his clown parents. New York, I Love You on the other hand had stories which were kinda more similar, more low key, maybe if I can say, a more typical American movie? Some of the parts were not really making sense for me on why they were there, like the very short part about the boy buying his girlfriend tickets to Rome unexpectedly. Then the story with Shia LaBeouf in it, well I don't really get it. I heard there were parts being cut off, I wonder if it makes any difference but it sure is interesting to watch the cut off parts. The movie is still sweet though. My favourite part was about the old couple. It was funny, I had a good laugh. My next favourite was perhaps the part with Orlando Bloom and Christina Ricci in it. That's kinda sweet! I think I'm just a sucker for good conversation. I like movies where the characters are just kinda into talking to each other, like Ethan Hawke's Before Sunset and Before Sunrise. Hmmm ... I miss that time, that time when it seemed I was talking to him all the time *sigh* Anyways, do watch it if you want to but after you watch it, I do hope you get around to watch Paris, Je T'Aime as well :) I myself haven't watched the full version of it but I remember there were segments that I really like, like the last one :)When I told Yeni that I was watching this today she said she didn't see me as someone who watches this kinda thing :D I have no idea where she gets these kinda ideas from. Have I already showed much of my skepticism about love? :P But I supposed many people do get suprised with what I do or how I react or how I feel. I have no idea if it's me being fake on my first interaction with them or I am that murky. Anyways, today kinda started with the question, "Did you all have a good week?". I didn't really answer that because I don't think I have an exceptionally good week. I even woke up earlier than I wanted today because my nose was blocked and a slight of flu attacked me. I was thinking how I don't really enjoy question like that and the simple, "How are you?". I guess if you don't have anything wonderful to say, those questions just come as a hassle because you have to access why things are not great *sigh* Yeni told me something quite encouraging today so it was nice of her. But I'm just feeling so much darkness and fear that it's kinda hard to breathe sometime. I wish I can freeze this time right now, this 8 pm something on a Saturday night. I wish the time will just stop until I am ready :( I hope you guys are well and are having less worrying times than me. Take care peeps!
:) eKa @ 8:18:00 PM • 0 comments
Saturday, January 09, 2010
My horoscope prediction for today reads, You get some shocking news that leaves you reeling -- but you can tell that the net effect is positive. Life always re-balances, and your great emotional energy helps you see the upside with ease. Upon reading it, I felt that isn't this "warning" a bit late?One evening when I was in the bus, I was thinking that faith in God doesn't mean you believe that God will not let you fall or fail. Faith in God is knowing that no matter if you end up falling or failing, you will be alright, everything will be alright. I was thinking that even with that knowledge, I am still not okay with the falling / failing part. Failing is not really what I am accustomed to *sigh* Sometime I feel that God wants me to really learn that *sigh* I have great failures in life which I have not truly rebounded from :(
Anyways, how is your first week of 2010? Mine is okay, I think. I am feeling nervous a lot and have lots of fear but I have to take it day by day, hour by hour. The nice il Gatto told me that I am always panicking with stuff but in the end I always pull through. He said he believes in me. It's very very nice of him. I hope I am strong enough mentally to face however this is gonna unfold. I kinda need to be strong intellectually also, so dear God, please.
My Saturday's sessions also resume this week. I was so not looking forward waking up early on a Saturday :( We get Mr.P again. I couldn't believe that Yeni and Mau were earlier than me today. My brain was so empty and things were not really flowing well inside there but I did manage to cook up a line about a fish being dead. I feel I need to do more creative things like this. Mr.P told us a story about his solitaire christmas some years ago, which he spent in a desert. I was thinking that it was pretty depressing and as much as I am a loner, I don't think I would be able to do what he did. He said that it's not pathetic because he doesn't do it every year and the weird hard experiences are what make things memorable. On my way home today, a thought suddenly came* that maybe when I reach his age and still pretty much alone, maybe I will end up doing similar things.
*My brain is that random, thoughts come in and out as they wish.
Today, I had lunch with Nansee. It's kinda nice to get asked and not having to be the one who have to do the asking and planning. After lunch we went to watch Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant. The movie is not so bad but not exceptionally good. It's pretty much a teenager kinda movie. It is based on a book and I can imagine that the book itself is not so deep. The freaks were kinda intriguing. The main character is pretty cute. However being 10 years younger than me, I do feel it's inapporiate of me to be crushing on a young boy. By the way, I had thought about it, if I have a choice for the opportunity to live forever like being a vampire, I wouldn't take it. I cannot imagine living forever, 1 life can already make you feel depressed, imagine not having it stop. This idea makes me feel like the concept of heaven in which people live happily ever after infinitely to be quite boring. You see how random and screwed up my brain is :P Take care guys!
:) eKa @ 6:23:00 PM • 0 comments
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Hello people of the Earth on this last day of 2009, which in my side of the world will be ending in less than 3 hours. All this year you've heard me complain and say that I am depressed but as I look closely at this year, it has some really good moments. The good ones really make this year to be quite a year for me, a memorable one. This morning as I opened my door and on my way out, I saw a stack of mails in front of my door. One of them was a christmas package from Dagi. It really is good to start your day opening present :) She gave me Jodi Piccoult's My Sister's Keeper. Looking forward to read it. Kinda a nice start to this last day, someone cares. Oh! It's also a nice surprise to see a christmas card from Ms. J :D Anyway, I am going to write some of my reflection of this year, 2009.1. Number one have to be the trip to Italy. That is the biggest thing that has happened in my life currently. Think about it, what is the biggest thing that has happened to your life. When I think about it other than Italy. I thought of about being bornt :P I guess the biggest thing in your life are the milestones, the life changing things in your life, in which I can also say, getting accepted to NUS. Many people my age could claim getting married and having kids as the biggest thing that has happened in their lives. Even Dagi is getting married next September. I guess the time has really come for people my age. However, these are things that I can't say. Hopefully it is written for me though. Italia per me è libertà. Quando ho deciso di studiare l'italiano, è stata la prima cosa che ho fatto qualcosa che ho veramente voluto e con il mio proprio potere. To be going to Italy and to do it on my own and alone was a challenge and a great achievement for me. Yes, it may not be a big deal for many people but it was 2 things that I really wanted that I accomplished, travelling alone and Italy. It's a big mountain and to overcome it was just amazing. I think my most thankful moments to God in the whole of this year were when I was roaming around Italy, feeling the wind and the sun, seeing all the amazing things that I saw. I still cannot forget the first time I saw Colosseum, when I accidentaly found my way into it. It was so surreal. It still feels kinda surreal now, reliving those moments as I am writing this. I really have to hold on to this feeling. This is that happy and peaceful feeling. I kinda get now what Elizabeth Gilbert was saying in her book, Eat, Pray, Love. She was saying something about that happy place that you need to remember and go back to.
Anyways so I climbed a mountain and managed to come back successfuly. Now I am looking at other mountains. Somehow I still get nervous thinking about them. I wonder if it happens to other people as well, for example real mountaineers. If they have climbed the Everest, do they still get nervous climbing other mountains? Well, I know one thing for sure, even though I am nervous and perhaps a bit scared about new mountains, I will not back out. I know I have made it before and it can be done. So it can be done again. Italy gave me that and I really look forward to come back to Italy and have lots of gelato!!! :P
2. This year also brought some big changes in life. Sometime in March, I wrote about it felt like being tossed by the waves of the ocean. Lo and behold even as this week flies to a close, another change was put on me again, another big wave of the ocean which tosses me to I don't know where. So it's pretty certain that my 2010 is going to start with a big change. I had mixed feeling about it, but I did pray for a way out. Not quite what I wanted but since when God really gives you things as precise as what you ask? Like one of the Rolling Stone's lyric, you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find, you get what you need. We must put our faith in God, right? So this is the time to repeat the mantra, If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. Amen!
Talking about lyric, I will also throw in something from U2, what you don't have you don't need it now. You see in the middle of December last year, I was having a bad time that there were times when I was in tears. One fine day it saw me sitting under a tree and someone was standing listening to me or trying to listen to me. This person is not in my life anymore but the fact that this person was there, maybe because precisely I needed someone then. This December, I am not having the best of time, but no matter how bad it is and how I curse, I haven't cried. I can't remember the last time I cried. So not having anyone to listen to me is probably not a really sad thing because perhaps God thinks, I don't need that as much, so hence I don't have it. Yes, maybe I am in denial :P
3. Talking about people, well I have to say that this year I have lost the so-called friends but I have also made friends. I guess I did go in to a bit of selfish mode some time ago, in which I really didn't feel like pleasing anyone. I don't want to do things that I don't want to do and I want to do the things that I want to do and perhaps in the process I pushed some people around but here we are and I don't really feel sorry about it. Seriously. I'm done having to compromise or strike people's ego. Guess what, those people don't even care about me. So good riddance :)
4. About new friends that I made. I also have to say that this year I also started something new. I am putting more things into my brain. At the beginning, I did wonder why I was there but as I've grown accustomed with the people whom I do it with, it begins to feel not so bad and fun. This is also something that I feel grateful about this year, meeting new people and making new friends.
5. On other things, as mentioned in some post, there were deaths in the family and babies being bornt. Everyone's life is moving and ending in their own ways. I am trying to chart my own life though perhaps I still haven't done a good job in doing so. In the topic of other things, the last movie I watched this year was Sherlock Holmes with Vivy on Tuesday. I like it very very much! It's a good ending for the year. Though I have to say that I didn't understand some of the English :$ and the weird me thought that Holmes and Watson sometime felt a bit like a gay couple, in which I have to say it's Holmes who is more gay. Still though, it was a really good film. I think Jude Law did a better job than Robert Downey Jr. As I was watching it, it did make me think how Dr House in the TV series House is really being based on Holmes and Dr Wilson on Watson. I know it's mean to be rude and condescending but I really like how these brilliant smart people can really just say what they want since they are so bright! If only I am smarter! :P Go watch it peeps, it's really worth it. It's been awhile since the Ocean's 11 movies last showed us smart twist and turn in the story and Sherlock Holmes is really all that, smart and witty :)
6. Oh yeah, I did manage to squeeze in another accomplishment this year. Finished reading my first Italian book bought from a bookshop in Florence. It's called Che Animale Sei? by Paola Mastrocola. It took quite long because I got distracted many times and I'm not actually good in Italian, so there are a lot of words that I have to look up in the dictionary, mostly in every paragraph. This make me think that I will not last reading Il Nome Della Rosa (The Name of the Rose) by Umberto Eco :( Maybe I should have studied more Italian so that I can go through books like that without the dictionary :( Anyways, Che Animale Sei? means What Animal Are You?. It tells the story of a duck on a journey of self discovery. The story is actually very deep and philosophical but told in a fable kind of way which I think make it easy for younger readers to follow. There are many other animals in the story, like a beaver who didn't want to go through the same profession as his family had been doing for generations. Then there was a young bat who physically didn't measure up to his species. Both the beaver and the bat had to deal with the differences between them and their fathers. Then the duck dealt with losing something which she had been calling as a mother. Then she found a new family but to fit in she had to change even though she didn't like it and didn't feel like herself, but she was told that's how ducks are. Then she fell in love and felt happy but then she was betrayed. Then her friend, the lizard, told her that she just needed to wait for the pain to go away, like when lizards lose their tails, they just have to wait for it to grow again. Then she met new friends, the moles. Do you know that moles are blind? I am learning something new! Since the mole could not see her and she could not see the moles, she could be whatever she wanted to be. Then she learnt to fly. In the end she married a wolf (of all animals!). So it really is a good story. I really like it. I kinda hope it would be translated to other language like English. I finished it yesterday and a line jumped out which I feel it is so apt considering this is the end of the year, it's tutto passa e niente in verità mai passa, which means everything pass and in truth nothing never passes.
So I guess that's it peeps. Last post of the year. I am not one who make new year's resolution but I do have some things that I want to do in 2010 and even in 2011. I don't know why I stop there, like life is just gonna end after 2011 :P but that's as far as I can see it now. Well, afterall the world might come to an end in 2012 :P Whatever it is, of course I wish for a better year but to be really in detail, I just wish for more time. It sucks when people leave as in when they die. So I really hope everyone in my prayer every night will always be safe. You know it's kinda funny that on this last day, Astley still managed to pop up and made me give a thought for him a bit. You see we kinda didn't tell people that he died, so people were still sending him stuff :P I really really don't want any death news next year *sigh* Okay peeps, hope you guys are having a blast. See you next year! :)
:) eKa @ 9:09:00 PM • 0 comments
Friday, December 25, 2009
Hello guys, how has Christmas been treating you so far? All's good? I do hope you have a merry christmas. Mine is pretty quiet, which is not unexpected.Got naughty yesterday and took off earlier than I should have done. Was kinda a big deal for me but many people will see it as not a big deal at all. When I was on the bus, I realized how controlled I am and how I like things to follow the rule. Of course, still I like the rule to be bent my way if it benefits me, who doesn't ya? So yesterday I went to watch Avatar in 3D. Alone. Was supposed to watch it with Oshie but he decided to go home. Hope he gets the well-needed rest and encouragement from his family. Anyways, it's been a long time since I watched a movie alone. But I guess it's also been a long time since I last watched a movie. The last movie I watched was 2012 which was a month ago! When I realized that, I feel it's kinda incredible that I managed to stay away from a cinema for a month plus!
Okay let's talk about Avatar. Something must still be really wrong with me because just like 2012, after watching it I don't feel extremely excited or blown away and to think so many peple are raving about this movie. What I really like about the movie is how beautiful Pandora is. It's just an amazing world. The plants life were amazing. Cannot really say the same thing about the animals though. Although I will sum up Pandora as fluorescent on high, I still like it very very much despite that mockery I gave :P Pandora at night is amazing! Storywise, I cannot say much about Avatar. All are kinda too predictable, aren't they? Even though I don't like unhappy ending, I kinda hope the movie had an unhappy ending so that it wouldn't be too typical or Hollywood standard story. With so many imagination being poured into the world of Pandora, somehow imagination is lacking on the story. One that I thought was really strange was the fact that an alien life form will also kiss and make out and make love like human. I don't know, I somehow think that if there's alien life form out there, they wouldn't be like human at all. The Na'vi in Avatar is pretty similar like human in many ways, they sleep, eat, cry, bury the dead ones. All that is not really my kind of Alien. So anyways, as mentioned, I am not really that blown away with this movie but do watch it to see Pandora. It may not matter much whether to watch it in 3D or not. If you are not that totally excited about the movie, I think the 2D version will suffice :)
Okay nothing much to say. I woke up early today and as such I am feeling sleepy now. Merry Christmas everyone! My Christmas wish is may God have mercy on my soul. Take care all!!!
:) eKa @ 1:09:00 PM • 0 comments
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