For We Walk By Faith, Not By Sight - 2 Corinthians 5:7

The title of the post is the bible verse that I got yesterday. Kinda made me wanna cry. In fact, I was thinking, God, You too? You want to make cry as well? I had quite a horrendous week. Well the beginning was promising but going into the middle and towards the end, I was badly broken. My whole system is broken and shaken and the only words I can use to describe how I am right now is in Indonesian, and it's patah semangat. Another words that can explain me is, Eka lemas banget and as such I didn't go to Donikon's wedding today. It's hard to put that strong-eveything-is-okay front. The shittiest thing is that that's exactly the look that I need to be wearing right now *sigh*

The bible verse brings a point of discussion. I have heard this many time that if you do not know where you are going, then how are you going to walk? You have to set your sight on something then you'll have a direction on where you should walk. But the bible verse asks faith to be our guide instead of sight. On my contemplation of the things that happened this week, I was thinking how screwed I am if there is no God afterall. God is the reason for my courage, my patience, and many other things in my life. I take and accept certain things because I believe that God has a reason, that whatever it is that I have to deal with is just a component of something bigger and wonderful. This week is really testing my belief on that. Is there a point to any of this? I have experienced many shits and in the end, they all more or less make sense. This time around, I cannot wrap my head around this. To make matter sadder for me is my mother's opinion on the whole thing. My mother takes a stand for my happiness and justice and it is sad because to go against what she wishes is hard. My mom is a real hardworker by the way, so for her to form that opinion of hers, she has weight it against her life experience, not just as a mother who wants her kids to be happy. By the way, I don't think my parents are ever the types who put happiness first. They believe in hardship and not giving up in life. So for her to come to her opinion is a big deal. Darn, even as I am writing this, I can feel how broken my heart is. It's kinda hard to breathe. When I first read that bible verse, I felt that God was telling me to have faith, to believe that everything will make sense, that what I see right now is not what it seems to be. Now as I am writing this, I feel that what God is saying can also be for the other route. The curse of the pisces, I feel. I'm normally capable of seeing 2 sides of a situation equally well. One would think that it would make you more informed and better in your decision making but most of the time it brings me dilemma.

So bottomline, Eka is very broken. Again, I wish I can freeze this 9 pm something so that I don't have to deal with the coming week. I am thankful though to everyone who listened and as much as perhaps they couldn't say the right thing to lift me up, I know it's not easy to hear me out. I am so touched by how some of them really showed much love. Oshie and NanSee were really nice by trying to keep up with the breaking news. Then there was Rista, who of course is always capable of giving words of comfort *sigh* I think I should say something brighter. I would just like to say how I enjoy spending every Saturday morning with a group of people who have weird and funny dynamic and are always able to make me laugh. I don't enjoy the waking up early in the morning, but they are quite a solace for me after a difficult week. They will never fail to make me laugh and we do laugh a lot. For that I am thankful to God.

:) eKa @ 9:23:00 PM •


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