Saturday, February 06, 2010

Everybody's Fine

Darn, I woke up from my nap today with a severe flu. My head is so heavy right now and I cannot breathe properly. Aarrrghh, so this post may gonna be an explosion of random thoughts jumping in my head incoherently.

The title of the post is from a movie I watched this week, Everybody's Fine, starring Robert De Niro, Drew Barrymore, Kate Beckinsale, and Sam Rockwell. This movie is based on an Italian movie called Stanno Tutti Bene, which unfortunately I haven't watched. I did watch part of it in youtube and it seems to be very interesting. Anyways, Everybody's Fine tells a story of this old man (Robert De Niro) who decided to do a surprise visit to his 4 adult children. All because the kids all bailed on him when they were supposed to drop by for a gathering. So he went to each of the cities the kids were living in. He felt a distance with each of the kids, like they couldn't really say anything that they felt, when they used to do so with his wife who's dead now. Cut the long story short, in the end, he found out what's been going on in their kids' life. It's kinda very touching. Maybe I was just in such an emotional state though. He asked each of the kids, "Are you happy?". That question makes me so sad simply because I am not. Kinda made me wanna cry. One scene in the end showed the old man talking to his wife at her grave, kinda saying something along the line that the kids have problems in their lives but bottomline they're fine. Again it made me wanna cry. I relate to that. I am unhappy and depressed in life, but I am fine. I'm okay. I'm hanging in there. I don't know when will I reach the point of 'not fine'. I hope I will know that moment should it arrives before it's too late *sigh*

This week has been quite a whirlwhind week. It's amazing how fast things could happen. Did a few things this week that caused my nerves to run on high. However I don't think any of them will work out. For someone who seems so sure of herself, I actually have confident issue. What I really really want is to stop. That brings a lot of points to my head. Certain things seem more and more logical and there's a sense acceptance building in me. However it still messes up with my head a lot. I just don't want to hate myself in the end. I don't mind hating other people, but to hate myself is not really an option since I am stuck with myself forever *sigh*

Anyway, home is in a few days, less than a week. I am actually looking forward to leave this place and go home. However with the crazy week I have been having, there's no room for excitement. I should really get packing. I hope I can get everything done tomorrow. I have kinda get everything that I need to bring home. Didn't really do much chinese new year shopping, since financially I need to settle a few things *sigh* As usual, I am already depressed thinking that I will have to come back here eventually. Home is the safe place for me. Home is where noone will hurt me and I am loved and cared for. So to leave that is hard. How does one leave from that? *sigh* If you haven't thought much about your home, do think about it. Do cherish the parents who are living with you and don't take them for granted because really at the end of the day, it kills your parents' hearts to see you miserable in life.

My flu is really killing me and I am feeling a bit warm now. Goodnight peeps!

:) eKa @ 11:10:00 PM •