Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Break and Shake

Hello, what's up people? I've been postponing to write because I kinda went through a lot these few days so I'm waiting for everything (as in myself mentally) to be stable. I just don't want to explode or do anything extreme or to let out much emotion. I may sound so freakin weird and crazy but I had a rough time 2 weeks ago. Don't sweat it, I'm in a good place now. Sadly not heaven yet but it's a good place, at least a place where I won't be sick mentally. Okay, back to 2 weeks ago, I had a very bad weekend and perhaps one of my worst nervous breakdown. I did stupid things. One of them was calling my bestfriend Dewi and my parents while crying. I think I got them to be so shocked and worried. Especially me mom because it's the 2^nd time now, she must think that something is not right with me mentally. Me dad most probably think that I'm such a crybaby. However, I was perhaps not alright, I don't think I have been healthy mentally these few months. I have not been alright for a long time.

The other stupid things that I did was so stupid. When all the tears had gone and I could actually think, I thought what on earth was I thinking, what the hell went through my head to make me possibly think that I can or want to go through "that" again. I should have listened to the people with good brain. I actually had people telling me to go to a direction which I was pretty ready to take but decided to avoid in the last minute. I guess I need to thank Dewi. During our call, I told her "That's why you're my bestfriend, because you understand". She understands me and she also thinks alike like me and I'm also sure Marlisa can understand my reasoning too. Why do other people don't at least try to understand. Well, I know I'm not that special for people to spare their time trying to understand me *sigH* Then I think I need to thank Teddy. I sent a thank you email to him and Darren yesterday. They're great people. They're sincere.
Irony: The people who have been so close to me for a long time don't really give a damn about me, but the people who stopped by once a while in my life actually tried to help me out and comfort me in my worst time, without being asked!
One thing that Teddy said that I found to be funny was "There's life after *censored* Sorry, I can't tell you all Hey, this is only part of the bottle's content.

Anyway after the stormy Friday night 2 weeks ago; the following Saturday, calmness was actually sweeping all over me. I guess it's because I was getting a lot of prayers from some people. I really have to thank God for all the calmness and excitement. Last week was tiring but I don't think there was fear, I was calm and perhaps excited and happy. I even had a person told me that she thought I looked so happy on one of the day last week. Well, that was unexpected. Thank you so much God What am I gonna do without You"

So, now that one of my biggest misery and problem is behind me, I guess I only have 1 major problem in life. But this one, there's nothing I can do about it. It's not my fault, nor do I feel that it's entirely my "team's" fault. I don't think my "team" should be the first one to make that step towards reconciliation. We will do just fine, thank you very much.
Okay, this is some of the things that I felt after all the drama: it enthrall me that people sometime can not see you as a person, a normal being (I mean...a friend is a person right, though you're not that close anymore he/she is still a person, right) and give you the respect you deserve and no matter how hard we try to make them see how we feel when they do that to us, in the end we just have to bite our tongue.

Such an annoying conversation
I'm sorry but I'm tired of trying
To be some picture of compassion
...and anyway it sounds like I'm lying...
...
Bite your tongue
Maybe it's good for you
To hit the ground
...
...and so you see I have no intention...
Of giving you the easy way out

Duncan Sheik - Bite Your Tongue

:) eKa @ 10:30:00 AM • 0 comments

Monday, April 19, 2004

Birthday Gals

Just wanna say a little shout out to my best buddies Emilia and Dewi who are having their 23^rd and 22^nd birthday today. Emilia woke very late today Well it's her birthday Then I also want to say thank you to Dewi for listening and though she didn't give any solution (she can't, we all know that we all have to make our own decision), it's just nice to be listened too. So, Happy Birthday gals

My computer wallpaper now is daisies, nice daisy. I've never said that daisy is my favorite flower but some people just assumed that when I made DaisyBLueButton.com *sigh* Too much assumption (I hate that, making assumption). I miss DaisyBLueButton.com, it was stressful but I really enjoyed doing it, really. The daisies in my computer are those simple daisies, the ones with the white petals. They are nice and I guess I just like the simplicity in them.

Singapore has been very hot lately, is this what they call a heat wave? I don't know if I can survive this any longer. Honestly, I think I'm sick. There's definitely something wrong with me, with my body. Should I go to the doctor? Mom said so, if I have the time. It seems to be not a big deal but I have a strong feeling that it is something serious. How? I'm barely breathing, I don't want to deal with this now...or ever. So let's just don't talk about it. Something so weird is happening in my shout box, it's not as nice as before, but I can not complain because Mas Doneeh, yang punya Doneeh.com lagi kerepotan banget sekarang. I do admire the guy, I mean he's only 1 year older than me but his knowledge is so wide, I'm feeling a bit ashamed actually *sigh*

Okay, on the joking side. Seseorang bertanya kepada saya "Eka udah ada pacar belum?" Lalu saya jawab "Belum, saya kan masih kecil". Dalam hati saya berteriak Haiyaaa...yang boneng Eka, udah tua gitu, 22 tua lho...hahahahhaa Habis mau gimana lagi? Kan semuanya di waktunya Tuhan bukankah begitu? Emang klise banget sih kalo bilang kae gitu, tapi emang mau gimana lagi? Tuhan tahu yang paling tepat untuk kita sih. Udah ada 2 orang lebih pada kesempatan berbeda, dulu bilang ke saya kalo mereka penasaran cowoknya Eka nanti kae gimana. Hhahahaha... Saya juga penasaran! Sekarang sih masih suka terpikir sama cowok yang sabtu kemarin ulang tahun ke 25 *sigh* Emang saya dodol sekali

:) eKa @ 9:16:00 PM • 0 comments

Saturday, April 17, 2004

The Prince And Me

Yesterday, I went to watch The Prince And Me, though I actually feel I should not have done that. Why shouldn't I watch this movie, well because : 1) Last week I had went to the movie, so I should not waste money on entertainment anymore, I am not rich, hiks... 2) I should not have injected myself with a movie where there's such a handsome prince because in real life, there's just a high probability that you won't be getting that prince charming...hiks 3) I was late, I was going to miss some part of the movie. Nevertheless, after all that very strong reasons, I just could not resist temptation and despite of being late (I don't know how much I missed) I went to watch the movie anyway. I have to admit that the reason for watching the movie is the Prince, anybody who knows me knows that he's my type of guy, and if you don't know me, now you know. Tall and skinny...huaaa...He's perfecto *jadi malu* See, now I've become silly. I want a guy like the prince!!!

Anyway, the movie was so-so. I mean if there's a text book to write a romantic movie then this story will be in it. So there's this girl who is so lucky to meet a prince and the prince just happened to be interested on the first girl he met and they fell in love despite of all the little feud in the beginning and then came the revelation that he's a prince and then they managed to work it out and the apprehensive queen mother even gave her blessing and so on and in the end they would live happily ever after. I underlined would because....well....it's not much a surprise but would is just the right word to describe their love story, if you have much money and don't mind to be injected with this huge dose of romance, go and watch it.

Life has been pretty...I can't explain how my life is lately, but it will just be nerve-wrecking, the days ahead of me. I hope I'll survive. There are a lot of fear inside of me and I don't think anyone knows it. I guess some people may think that what I go through is nothing, but it's scary for me, it's just scary. Then sometime when I'm thinking about things, I realized Jesus was also scared to death the last few hours of His life (watch The Passion of the Christ for reference), but He stayed strong and He got through. What I'm facing is nothing like what He was facing so I should be strong too. But the fear is still lingering

Arsenal won 5-0 to Leeds, man! I'm very impressed with Thierry Henry now Only a few more matches to go...I hope they will continue to play as good as they are now and I hope luck will be on their side

:) eKa @ 9:38:00 AM • 0 comments

Friday, April 09, 2004

The Passion of the Christ

I went to watch The Passion of the Christ yesterday. Forgot to tell Felis that I was going to watch it yesterday *sorry Felis* (she was asking me to watch it on Monday). After much thinking, I thought that it may be best that I watch it alone, so I went yesterday, since today is holiday. The movie was painful...seriously...I couldn't bear watching many of the scenes. I was sitting in the end of the row and many of the time I was curling up and covering my eyes. Especially during the part when they nailed Jesus on the cross, I couldn't bear watching the scenes, I was closing my eyes, and it was just so emotional, everyone was crying. As much as the movie is so moving and perhaps gonna change many people lives after they watch it, I do think that only Christian or perhaps people who know Christianity can relate with it. I think if you come from another religion or if you don't know who Jesus Christ is, you can not comprehend on why He has to be crucified in such a cruel and inhumane way and how crucial and huge His sacrifice is. However, I do think that it will make you read more and be interested in knowing who Jesus really is. So...Bottom-line, should you and should you not watch the movie? The answer is should because this man has been the part of so many people lives for centuries, so regardless if you are a Christian or not, do watch for the sake of expanding your knowledge

***

By the way...Met my ex-blockhead yesterday, Larry (man! the guy was once JCRC president and the first thing I recalled about him was that he was my blockhead ). He was with a lady friend He ended up sitting next to me in the movie. Didn't talk to him much, because after the movie, I quickly went out from the cinema, because I just couldn't stand being there any much longer and I just needed to gather myself together.

***

Arsenal is out in Champion Leaque Did I jinx them? I actually watched the first half of their match with Chelsea. I didn't watch the second half, because I thought they'd be doing okay after the goal in the first half. I was so wrong! Then yesterday, I was shocked when I found out Milan lost. My Goodness! How did that happen? When I was told that Milan lost, I thought the guy just wanted to tease me, but he was telling the truth. I don't know why but like last year the team that I supported ended up losing Maybe I shouldn't support any team anymore for Champion League. I may jinx them

***

I successfully fixed my laptop. I am so proud of myself See the problem was, this week my computer was infected with something that caused my Internet Explorer default page to go berserk. A stupid and mean website managed to put its claw on the default page and spammed me with so many stupid pop up pages and there's nothing I could do to change it. I could not change it through the tools --> Internet Options menu. After much searching, the Microsoft website told me to try and change it by start --> run --> regedit, but this web had disabled my ability to do it. See how mean they are! At first I thought maybe my computer was infected with virus. So I scanned it, somehow one of my file was infected with Nimda, it was fixed, but no changes happened to my IE. So my next step was predictable (the thing that I always do if something's wrong with my computer), asked JTG Then he gave me a link to cure my computer of Nimda again, but my anti virus had managed to clean it the last time, so no new changes happened. So I was getting frustrated and so annoyed! And it was my war against terror So I read more, and it came to my attention that it was adware or maybe spyware which was terrorizing me. So I managed to get to know a software to help you remove this adwares, the software is Ad-Aware and it is free. So I installed it and it didn't help *sigH* So I searched more and found a more powerful software called HijackThis and it was this software who helped me remove all the adwares and returned my ability to edit my registry and change my IE default page So if you ever get into the same mess as me, try this software but do it under close supervision of someone who knows something about computer because it doesn't remove the adwares for you, it just lists all the suspicious things in your computer and it's up to you to delete the problematic ones, and if you delete wrongly, well I don't want to be held responsible for screwing up your computer more Hmm...I learned about these adwares things in school and I underestimated how hazardous these things can be, I just dismissed what my lecturers were trying to tell us, I can imagine Dr.Hui saying "What were you doing when I was talking about these things?" My answer would perhaps be "Eating tausa pau, sir"

***

Happy Good Friday, Happy Easter, GooD LORD BLeSs

:) eKa @ 2:39:00 PM • 0 comments

Sunday, April 04, 2004

040404

If you don't know what the title means, then you need to be more observant. I'm not going to tell you what it means Anyway, the number is just so good and unique like that

So how's life people? The right question is perhaps "How is my life?". Well, last time I wrote I was panicking and, yes, still am. Was trying to call home yesterday, but the line was busy, either that or the phone at home was not working properly. Anyway, mom's not at home, so actually yesterday, I was actually thinking of talking to my dad. Maybe I try again tonight. Then I tried to call Marlisa, her handphone was busy too Then, I tried calling Dewi but I decided not to wait for her to pick up, because....well, I just didn't feel like waiting. The thing is, the bad feelings are starting to come back again, feeling such as sadness, disappointment, fear, and stress. I know I shouldn't feel like that, but they're ever-existence even when I know God is still taking good care of me. This week I got 2 phone calls from 2 good people who actually care. One of them called this morning. I just can't really comprehend how people can be so nice, that and also how people can just don't care. Well, who am I to complain? I do that too, often...not the being nice thing, but being the one who don't give a damn It is so hard to always have to face problem, one after another, and deal with it alone. But as my sometime-can-be-so-wise friend said, that's how it is and it will always be like that. I guess that's the consequence of living on your own. If I stayed with my parents, there'd certainly be less thing to worry about. Instead of charging forward, I really feel like crawling back to that comfort zone *sigH*

Arsenal lost to MU yesterday. Didn't watch the game, so didn't know how that could possibly have happened. But what can I say, I think MU is just a team with a lot of good luck on their side. Well, poor Arsenal. Despite their excellent performance in the English Premiere League, I don't think they're going to do as good in Champion League I hope I don't jinx them by writing about them like this

Tomorrow, is Indonesia's Election Day. I can assure you it will be so interesting. Sadly, I didn't register, so I'm not going to vote During registration period, I just wasn't sure where I would be during election day, so I didn't register. I honestly am so interested in these things, so I'm pretty sad myself about not voting. But If I vote, I don't know who to vote, but I think it would most probably be different than the party I voted in the last election. Anyway, just found out a few days ago how the voting process is gonna be so complicated. I wonder who actually came up with the idea, though I have to admit it is pretty fair. The thing is, the majority of the people don't have that much knowledge about the parties and the candidates for the parliament and it is rather a waste of time and mind to decide on a name to vote, not to mention a waste of paper to print all those names I'm admitting that I don't know much about Indonesian politics and the parties and the candidates but I know that there are many others like me who are so oblivious about these things too. So if you expect us to vote, who to vote? Maybe we'll go to the ones we see the most, in other words the popular ones? *sigH* Tomorrow is just gonna be an interesting day. Wish I could be at home to experience all of this. Hhmm....Take care you all

:) eKa @ 1:43:00 PM • 0 comments

Sunday, March 28, 2004

Panic, Don't Panic? Panic!

*sigH* I'm panicking now, because suddenly it hit me yesterday that there are so many things that I must do and I haven't been doing them. Again, I'm in the insecure and uncertainty condition. It will end within a month but I'm not so sure that it will end in a good ending for me. But God must have something for me right? It's just I want it to be easy. Maybe since I'm not mature and brave enough, I have to have it the hard way.

*sigH* So what is up Eka? 2 days ago, I made a 4000-line code. I don't think I had ever made a 4000-line code on my own before, and so it was surprising when I found out the code has more that 4000 lines. I was actually copying and pasting several times for the different cases. I was working on it in notepad and when the whole thing was done (or so I thought it was done), I went to paste it in the actual place, and I think the computer just got so freak out getting a task such as this, that it became so slow!!! So if the computer itself can not handle it, can you imagine me? I was going blind Anyway, the code didn't work as I want it to be, and I was ready to throw everything near me, but it turns out that with little adjustment it can still work for the problem I'm doing, I think I don't know, I think it is just prone to bugs, but I don't feel like checking it and testing it just to find that I got it wrong. I am such a lousy programmer, I couldn't find any simpler and easier way to do this. Stupid that my only solution is a code that has more than 4000 lines that slows down the computer, that may not work that well anyway *sigH* What can I say? I should try harder? Hiks....I don't really feel like it, I know I should not feel like this.

Okay, away from that. Dewi has started working this week. That girl is just so lucky, you can see it from her round face She has all the lucky features Honestly, I a bit envy her, why is it that she can have it so easy? Nevertheless, I am happy that she has got a job. See, we're growing up afterall. In a few months time, Marlisa and Emilia will most probably be working too. Is it time to throw the "I'm still a teen" act? Miss them so much, miss hanging out with them, and talking to them. I have some girlie issues to ask them. The best thing about spending time with them is that after that I feel comfortable about myself. *sigH*

Tonight Arsenal will be meeting Manchester United. I can not watch, though I really want to. Anyway, I don't want MU to beat Arsenal. I'm okay with a draw, but I just don't want to see Arsenal lose. However, there's a slight doubt in me that Arsenal can keep it to a draw, since last time in Champion League, they only managed to get a draw with Chelsea. *sigH* However the outcome will be, tomorrow will be interesting....Go Arsenal *Finger Crossed*

:) eKa @ 2:45:00 PM • 0 comments

Sunday, March 14, 2004

22

2 number 2, sounds like Sesame Street doesn't it? Well, the inevitable comes, what can I say? Nothing really. It feels like a normal day, but I did get some nice wishes from so many great people. Really...I really appreciate the people who sent me sms today. I didn't expect some of them would remember or care but they did and to actually send me wishes prove that they're good people. I do have people who care about me

The biggest surprise was getting a present from my best buddies [Marlisa, Dewi, Emilia] yesterday. It's surprising 'cause it was only this week they were rushing in trying to crack me out and finding what I want. So I thought whatever it was they got me would arrive late, but it was on time. I really appreciate them. They gave me a cool card, home-made (Marlisa's idea), which reminds me that I hardly make anything home-made anymore. You know, it's truly special to receive a home-made card and things like that, maybe I should do this again more often. The girls sent me pictures of the primary school's reunion (which I didn't attend) and as usual I can't recognize many of the people in the picture. I'm totally bad at this, I don't know why The girls gave such good and comforting words and advice, they're blessing from God. It's like God is giving me a reminder. I'm thankful for them.

Watching The Parent's Trap now. I remember watching this in the movie, with my cousins (yes, including Marlisa), the good old time when things were okay. Things change but today has proven that things might get better again Going to watch Mas Nunu tonight, The Replacement. I remember watching this for the first time in Suntec City (I guess it was after exam) with Felis and Yuanto, I think there were other people too, but I couldn't remember who. Today has been great, a great normal day. I like how everything is so normal without anything being extremely huge or special I know I'm weird

:) eKa @ 8:02:00 PM • 0 comments