Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Break and Shake

Hello, what's up people? I've been postponing to write because I kinda went through a lot these few days so I'm waiting for everything (as in myself mentally) to be stable. I just don't want to explode or do anything extreme or to let out much emotion. I may sound so freakin weird and crazy but I had a rough time 2 weeks ago. Don't sweat it, I'm in a good place now. Sadly not heaven yet but it's a good place, at least a place where I won't be sick mentally. Okay, back to 2 weeks ago, I had a very bad weekend and perhaps one of my worst nervous breakdown. I did stupid things. One of them was calling my bestfriend Dewi and my parents while crying. I think I got them to be so shocked and worried. Especially me mom because it's the 2^nd time now, she must think that something is not right with me mentally. Me dad most probably think that I'm such a crybaby. However, I was perhaps not alright, I don't think I have been healthy mentally these few months. I have not been alright for a long time.

The other stupid things that I did was so stupid. When all the tears had gone and I could actually think, I thought what on earth was I thinking, what the hell went through my head to make me possibly think that I can or want to go through "that" again. I should have listened to the people with good brain. I actually had people telling me to go to a direction which I was pretty ready to take but decided to avoid in the last minute. I guess I need to thank Dewi. During our call, I told her "That's why you're my bestfriend, because you understand". She understands me and she also thinks alike like me and I'm also sure Marlisa can understand my reasoning too. Why do other people don't at least try to understand. Well, I know I'm not that special for people to spare their time trying to understand me *sigH* Then I think I need to thank Teddy. I sent a thank you email to him and Darren yesterday. They're great people. They're sincere.
Irony: The people who have been so close to me for a long time don't really give a damn about me, but the people who stopped by once a while in my life actually tried to help me out and comfort me in my worst time, without being asked!
One thing that Teddy said that I found to be funny was "There's life after *censored* Sorry, I can't tell you all Hey, this is only part of the bottle's content.

Anyway after the stormy Friday night 2 weeks ago; the following Saturday, calmness was actually sweeping all over me. I guess it's because I was getting a lot of prayers from some people. I really have to thank God for all the calmness and excitement. Last week was tiring but I don't think there was fear, I was calm and perhaps excited and happy. I even had a person told me that she thought I looked so happy on one of the day last week. Well, that was unexpected. Thank you so much God What am I gonna do without You"

So, now that one of my biggest misery and problem is behind me, I guess I only have 1 major problem in life. But this one, there's nothing I can do about it. It's not my fault, nor do I feel that it's entirely my "team's" fault. I don't think my "team" should be the first one to make that step towards reconciliation. We will do just fine, thank you very much.
Okay, this is some of the things that I felt after all the drama: it enthrall me that people sometime can not see you as a person, a normal being (I mean...a friend is a person right, though you're not that close anymore he/she is still a person, right) and give you the respect you deserve and no matter how hard we try to make them see how we feel when they do that to us, in the end we just have to bite our tongue.

Such an annoying conversation
I'm sorry but I'm tired of trying
To be some picture of compassion
...and anyway it sounds like I'm lying...
...
Bite your tongue
Maybe it's good for you
To hit the ground
...
...and so you see I have no intention...
Of giving you the easy way out

Duncan Sheik - Bite Your Tongue

:) eKa @ 10:30:00 AM •