Friday, March 28, 2008

Shit After Shit

I didn't have a good week this week. This week is the week in which I really really want to say FUCK OFF! and all the cursed words there are. Vaffanculo feels so apt. To think that this week is not even over yet. Sigh. It's not that I hate the people that I had been spending most of this week with. Seriously really. I'm sincere in all that I did and I wish them all the best. However all the answers that I have to give, all the solutions, all the things that I am expected to do are just straining me. I'm not a miracle worker. I don't walk on water. Most importantly, scientifically, in all possibility, I just cannot do ALL the things required of me. Energy, time. I have none of it all.

Today I was told to smile and that I looked so unhappy. God damn it! I seriously wanted to knock that person. My God! Yeah, I looked unhappy because you told me stupid things, asked me stupid things, asked me to fix your shit and my God, how many times over and over I had saved your ass and so excuse me for getting tired of it all. I guess you wouldn't believe me then when I said I was actually sincere when I do what I do. I am.

It's just I'm very very tired. I am very very tired of having to answer and solve everything. I don't bloody have all the answers. Seriously? Are you freaking kidding me? Have you ever wondered that it took me much efforts to do what I do? It's not like I am that smart or things come to me easily. How about me with my questions? Who help me? No freaking one, because no one can. Useless idiots! I'm just tired TIRED TIRED of it all. This week I realize that at the end of the day, there's nothing that anyone can give me to make me feel better. Funny, because I thought something could, but seriously no it couldn't. You can't buy happiness. It's really true.

So this week, I have been really rebellious. I have gone off and ignore everything. I pretty much hate everyone because everyone wants something from me and so I have been pulling myself away from everyone. I don't even want to hear anyone at all. Seriously, I feel like telling Fuck off! to anyone who come to approach me and I guess some people could actually sense that. I realize that this hatred, anger, or whatever it is that you call it is so big that it manage to douse any other bad feeling that I have, including sadness. That actually makes me feel rather good.

Not that this week didn't have its share of fortune for me. Did get something good this week but no it's not enough to ease my pain. Did manage to watch a movie alone. Watched Bucket List today. I'm so happy that I got to do it alone. Love the movie so much. As much as I thought I'd figured out what the story was about, I did get some nice twist in the movie. I found the ending was quite good because I totally got my assumption at the start of the movie to be wrong. I thought Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman were great, though I thought they're just the typical them in the movie. I thought it would be more interesting if they are playing opposite roles because they would be playing something which are totally different to their typical roles. Either way, I think they were still awesome and it was really a good pairing. Because of me having to write about coffee weeks ago, I got the joke about kopi luwak early on from the beginning of the movie and I thought it was really quite hilarious. Love the whole idea of bucket list. Unfortunately I don't think I would be rich enough to see the world that I want to see, so my bucket list would have to be economical. I was thinking what would be in my bucket list. I suppose it will change as you grow older. I was thinking my number 1 would be walking with the boy I love, holding his hand, kissing him, and telling him I love him, I am happy. Yes I am a hopeless romantic, or perhaps I simply just want to be happy. I do recommend you to watch this movie because I love it much however I do can see how some people would find it too typical, simple, and almost boring. I think this is really more my type of movie.

Take care guys. I am hoping for a peaceful weekend. Better week next? I highly doubt it. I wonder if I will just drop dead there and then. I don't want it to happen though, because 2 weeks ago I realized that for now I don't want to die in Singapore and (surprisingly it came as a revelation to me) I don't want to die alone. Let me rephrase that, I don't want to die without at least 1 of my family member around me. I hope if my time is in the nearby future, God grants me that. Morbid? I am so sorry. I'm just freaking pissed off with everything right now, hence all the emotional explosion.

:) eKa @ 10:04:00 PM •