Friday, October 01, 2021
I'm still feeling very bleak, so you can stop reading if you feel tired hearing me. I can't wrap my things around the fact that things are not working out for me. Things that I tried meet me with silence - it's like God is saying, no, not this door. I am saying this fully aware that my so called effort is far from exhaustive. 2 failures out of 2 attempts are just common right, but I just feel so dejected. Right now I feel trapped and I feel like there is no exit for me, there wouldn't be a place out there for me to go to.
Recently this bible verse came to me - James 1:6, But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. Side note: my Christian education drilled a song that allows me to remember the sequence of the books in the new testament in Indonesian, but I couldn't figure out what James is in Indonesian, so had to google it out and found out it's Yakobus. Anyways, that bible verse describes me really well. Along with that verse there's a short reading that said something along the line that if you have faith that God has taken care of your issue, then you should have peace and serenity because it's like a done deal. Reading that, I was struck by the fact that yeah I have lost all faith. Really if I have to be honest, I don't have any faith. The bible also says lean not on your own understanding, but time and time again I whirled in my own thoughts and again and again it shows it does me no good. When you're in trouble, you think of God and here I am pleading with God. All those years in Christian school really leave an imprint on me that when I think of God, it's mostly in the Christian way. That being said, my stubbornness is still holding me back from submitting completely and I can just imagine all those Christians out there saying, so how do you expect God to help you if you're not going to surrender to Him? I don't know, I'm just hoping He be merciful to me.
Since I am in my head a lot, I can tell you there are a lot of negative thoughts. There's anger at people who I perceive as to not be understanding of what I'm going through, who easily say have you considered this and that. The other side of my head tells me of course they don't get it, they're not in your shoes. They don't talk to you on a daily basis, they don't even see you. Even people who sees you everyday (like mom) may get bored with your issues and your lack of effort. There's also jealousy on other people who I see as having it easy in life, like their life is taken care of; they don't have a clue on how to live like me, but then as I think like this, the other side of my head says as much as you can point to people having it better than you, you can just easily point to people having it worse than you. You're not a woman under Taliban rule, that alone makes you extremely fortunate. There is a lot of self-pity. I need to lift myself and make an effort to fix my situation, but I feel so paralyzed (mostly by fear) that I don't know what to do. I feel miserable here and yet I feel this is it, I am trapped, there's no way out, even though there is. There is a way out, but I feel scared that it will be another trap so I need God to show me the right door, to tell me it's alright to walk through and get out :'(
:) eKa @ 7:25:00 PM • 0 comments
Friday, September 03, 2021
Functional On The Outside, Turmoil On The Inside
Before I wrote this post, by chance I happened to read a random post I wrote in 2009 where I wrote: I realize that I have issue with stress, sadness, and fear. All these negative feeling do paralyze me often but last weekend when I decided to just surrender it all to God, I realize that I can also just be positive and be happy. So 12 years later, no I still can't deal with stress, sadness, and fear and all those negative feelings do paralyze me terribly. I also can't believe that girl who wrote that she could just be positive and happy, like when have I ever? It does make me think that there are always bigger issues. What issue did that 27-year old girl face? I couldn't even remember. I know for sure she wouldn't want what I'm having right now. I have a real freaking problem now. In some posts back, I wrote that my body did something strange during the time when I had to move. The strangeness didn't go away and it's stressing me out even more, so I went to the doctor and blood test and scans confirmed I have something that shouldn't be there. The day I found out I cried my eyes out. Not because I had these abnormal things, but because I have to deal with it alone. It took quite some times to somewhat calm down, but when mom called I just cried again even before I told her what happened. Mom told my cousin who has experience with this and hearing her, I realized I wasn't in awe enough with what she has to go through. Even now I feel my cousin is so tegar (seriously there's no equivalent english word, the closest is mentally strong). She told me to be ikhlas about it (again there's not quite an equivalent in English, closest is just to let it go) and surrender to God so that my heart can be light about it *sigh* This week I went to the doctor again to find out what we should do. The problems are big, bigger than I would have like and I am hung up on that. This is despite of the somewhat good news of the doc opting for the conservative approach of waiting and then reviewing it again after 6 months unless I get massively worse before that. I think she sensed that I'm alone here and it might be hard for me mentally and physically to undergo the last option without any support system. She told me not to stress out because as my cousin said this happens to other people too and there is a solution for this, even though we may not like the solution. While some people (like mom) would react positively to what the doc said, I just can't really be that calm. I may appear functional on the outside, but inside there's a lot of turmoil and I'm really not calm at all.
As I pray to God, I told Him that there are so many things that I need to ask. I just feel I have a lot of problems, like I really really need to get out of my current living situation. In light of this medical issue I'm having, I feel getting out of this place is becoming even more pressing :( I feel so stuck because I'm not seeing ay good affordable options out there. To narrow down my problems to a single wish to be fulfilled is hard and I try to cheat by asking God to please let everything be alright, but that doesn't feel right, it's like I'm greedy. I've read it all and I heard it all, like you are deserving of the blessing but somehow, maybe it's my lack of faith, I'm not believing it. I feel there will be no miracle and it will just be all hard on me. This is not going to be easy despite of how much I wish it to be. Some people will argue that this is the miracle. Things can be way way worse and right now we're not there. I guess since the pessimistic me is convinced the path will be hard not matter what, all I need to remember is that I will be able to do this because no matter how hard it's going to be, God is going to be there too *sigh* I'm really not in a good headspace right now, even more so than usual. I hope it's not the case for you. I hope your days are glorious.
:) eKa @ 9:17:00 PM • 0 comments
Monday, August 02, 2021
I finished reading The Dutch House by Ann Patchett and I quite enjoyed it. It tells the story of a brother and sister who were very close who lived in a grand Dutch house. In my mind, this house was awesome. Their mother found the house to be excessive and left them when they were young. As much as it's unfathomable that a mother would leave two very young kids, when I imagine if I could ever live in such a big majestic house, I myself find it rather strange and concede it may not be a good fit for me though I do want a big garden. Monet's house and garden in Giverny would be the dream. Anyways, their father remarried and when their father died, their stepmother threw them out of the house. They went from being rather rich, living in a big house, to being a commoner. The book tells the story of their lives before and after losing the house and all through it all they leaned on each other, ride or die. It makes me sad that I have noone that I can call my ride or die, but then a little thought came that maybe I don't have one because God don't think I need one, that my life is not that hard? Still, it would be good to have one, no? The book ends in a reconciliatory way, like forgiveness or the passage of time would really take away bitterness. It takes a long time though and at the same time sometime maybe it doesn't because in the chapters before last, a sad thing happened and it also made me think, no, a long time can pass but sometime some things cannot be okay and it is better, or at least for the aggrieved person, to not have to be forced to be okay with everything. It's okay I guess if we cannot let go of everything. People who are not in our shoes do not know the turnmoil and sorrow that we have to endure, so who are they to ask? I know it's always good to forgive and forget, but I tend to be unable to do those.
Moving on to things I watched. I watched the French tv series, Lupin and I found it rather good. It's inspired by the french stories of Arsène Lupin, a gentleman thief. I wanted to read the stories after watching Lupin, but as evidenced by my poor french when watching it, in which I needed subtitle, I don't think I can read the stories in french. Lupin starred Omar Sy who I already knew from watching Intouchables, which was extremely good. The American re-make, The Upside with Kevin Hart and Bryan Cranston wasn't that good even though I like both actors. After Lupin I thought I should watch another foreign thing and settled with the Italian, Summertime. My Italian is also bad so I couldn't make it without subtitle either. I think I'm too old for Summertime which tells the stories of barely adults and their love lives. There are many moments when I rolled my eyes, but I made it all through season 1. As much as 1 or 2 characters are kinda lovable, it's just the stories really make me unable to sit through season 2, so I didn't continue. Summertime has a lot of good Italian songs in it though and I think that is the strong point for me. Now, I am watching Luther. I'm not one who's into Idris Elba hype or even understood it, but after watching Luther, I get it now. I'm only in season 2 now, but with so many violent crimes, I wonder if it's the reason for my crime nightmare last night.
:) eKa @ 8:24:00 PM • 0 comments
Thursday, July 22, 2021
Hey guys, how have your covid-filled days been? Don't want to talk about it? I get you. Something scary happened to my family and even I, I'm not ready to talk about it. I don't know if I will be. The only good news is I've gotten my second dose of the vaccine though it's not that official yet in the eye of the government, since here in Singapore you're only acknowledged as really done 2 weeks after your second dose. It is rather strange for me seeing the different rules being applied in different countries. I watched Stephen Colbert and when he went back to his theatre with live audiences, it's just so unthinkable that it's full capacity and people are not wearing masks. Here in Singapore, I don't know what metrics need to be achieved to let go of the masks. We just started another stricter restriction today that will last for around 1 month due to new clusters forming and rising cases. The number of new cases may not cause other countries or cities to be that alarmed but here in Singapore, well we lose dining-in privilege. I guess I should be thankful that cinemas can still be open though you can't have your popcorn. On the opposite spectrum of strictness, there's Indonesia who's doing a piss-poor job in enforcing restriction I have to say. The number of cases and deaths make people like me pissed and yet the so called restriction, whose implementation is questionable, will only be extended for 1 week and then we'll wait and see. I wonder if the government are like just looking at numbers instead of all the heartbreaking suffering. Because if you look at the number, Indonesia is actually not in the top 10 countries with the most covid cases and deaths and in terms of percentage of the population, there's only about 1% of the population who got covid and if you compare this number to the US for example, there's around 10% of the population who got covid there. So maybe that's why the Indonesian government still say things are under control?
I am in favor of more restriction with stricter enforcement in Indonesia but hearing how the lower income people are losing their livelihood due to the restriction, well maybe I am quite disconnected with how life is in Indonesia or Jakarta where I'm from. I don't know how things are going to unfold in Indonesia. Will there be herd immunity? That will be good, but what if as some people fear, there's a new mutation that causes the virus to be more contagious and deadlier? *sigh* Who knew it will be this long and I don't want to think this way but if it can be this long, who to say that this time next year we're not still in it?
I'm sorry guys if all this sounds so negative *sigh* As usual, I haven't been doing anything interesting. I did somehow got it in my head to use Adobe Fresco to try watercolour painting. Okay, I can't recall if I wanted to try watercolour painting in Adobe Fresco or I just wanted to try watercolour painting and remembered that I have Adobe Fresco and so to try it there first. All and all, I watched and watched YouTube videos of people doing watercolour painting of flowers and it looks really nice and yet when I tried in Adobe Fresco, I failed and failed. These 2 are the ones that are kinda somewhat decent after many attempts and I have yet to learn how to do any flower properly. I don't know if I would fare any better doing watercolour with actual brush, probably not.
:) eKa @ 9:09:00 PM • 0 comments
Friday, June 18, 2021
I finally finished reading the first book this year, The Topeka School by Ben Lerner. I found this book too smart for me, like I'm not adequately smart enough to understand it :( The story didn't fit what I expected when I read the book jacket. It tells the story of a guy whose parents are two psychologists. The guy is a champion debater in high school and a lot of the passages talk about debate and its strategies and how the strategies are also employed by politicians these days. He and his parents have alternating chapters. The parents being that they are psychologists also talk about smart things in their chapters. It made me think of how different life is if your parents are highly educated and live in a white collar world. It made me realize that it's not something that I can relate with. Along with the chapters of these 3 different view points, there are also short chapters of the guy's childhood friend who's like an outcast but then suddenly was included in their high school group, but it didn't work out in a really bad way and the last we see of this "friend", he was a Trump-er. Yes, the story is quite contemporary. It's one of Obama's favourite book in 2019 and that kinda makes me think even more that I'm not smart enough for this book. I can't say I enjoy it much. Maybe if I have read it in another circumstances when my life is not in disarray and my mind is not all over the place, then maybe I could have liked it more, or maybe no matter what, I'm really not that smart. So that's book 1. I'm pretty sure we're not gonna reach 5 books this year. It'll be good if I can complete 3. Next, I think I want to read Ann Patchett's The Dutch House.
So life, how has yours been going? To say that my life is going bad is utterly ungrateful, so I'll say it's not ideal. The last time I wrote, I wrote about my new living situation which I just want to say is actually going bad. A lot of people will say it's not so bad, but it's bad for me and here I am, I have to last. There are other things that are not going well either. Health wise, one part seems to be better but I'm not sure, but even if that part is going well, there's another thing that's torturing me and I have yet to go to the doctor since I couldn't find the time, so I just have to endure :( The only good thing is perhaps I finally got vaccinated. Only first dose so far, didn't feel feverish but the soreness was immediate within 5 minutes for me. If I think about how things are not going as I want them to be, I'll get very depressed. My mom keeps telling me that I need to change, that I need to deal with things not going my way, that I can't have things go the way I want them to be, that everyone can't be fitting into what I want. She annoys me so much when she says this, but today I realize that I perhaps have issues with this. I'm not saying that I will try to find a way to bend. In fact I think I'm inherently unable to bend or the nicer word some annoying people like to use, be flexible. The issue with this way of thinking is that most of the time, there's only one outcome for me and that is to get out. Thoughts like this really depress me because what am I going to do. I feel so directionless in life and writing and admitting that is really embarrassing but it is what I feel. Too much turnmoil in me :( As such, I do hope that your days are glorious, sincerely :)
:) eKa @ 9:38:00 PM • 0 comments
Sunday, May 02, 2021
When I watched Nomadland, I didn't feel much about the slow moving movie. Mom called me in the middle of me watching it and I talked to her about the premise of the movie. It's not my favourite in this year's Oscar (I'm leaning towards Minari maybe because as Asian, we get it more?), but Nomadland came to my mind a lot as I am undergoing a big change these past 2 weeks. As written in the last post, this April brings with it a feeling of melancholic reflection. Like last year, aside of what happened with my dad, COVID-19 brought a set of tasks that can be quite demanding. This year, in addition to all that, in the last 2 weeks I had to find a new place to stay and move out. The reason why I moved out would be silly for some people, a non-issue, but for me and Jenny 2.0, we're just on 2 opposite sides. I was surprised that my mom didn't reprimand me whenever I complained. She also didn't say I was being overly dramatic when I said I felt like moving out. She was instead very supportive and tried to calm me down and told me to move on if I didn't feel comfortable anymore. She did say to say sorry to Jenny 2.0 on my way out - very typical Indonesian requirement. However I couldn't bring myself to it. I did manage to say thank you for everything and take care. I think I lived with the first Jenny for 8 years or so and I lived with Jenny 2.0 for over 8 years. So maybe every 8 years I am destined to move? Anyways, it was a long time to live with Jenny 2.0 and as I was exiting, there are things that she did that make me feel like wow ... in a negative way. My mom told me to let it go whaveter it is, some people may need more things than us, also mom said she did good things to me as well and I shouldn't forget that. Another person may tell me that's because I don't give enough so there will be times when things will be taken from me. This time last year, I have to let go things that I felt was done unkindly to me, so this year it's the same. I hope it will be better days next year.
Anyways, new place. I was really stressed out about moving out and I wanted it to be quick. I was so stressed out that my body did something strange and I'm so confused. It's like the 1-2 week stress that I had was like a month for my body. I hope it's nothing because if not I have another major issue on hand :( I really cannot survive this all without my mom. She was calm and told me to calm down and deal with things one step at a time. This new place has good sides and bad sides but the usual me, I am seeing more of the bad side. The one big difference and as mom told me yesterday is that, for the past 2 living situations I was living with someone. Now I am in charge of my own things. There's a landlord and landlady, but they don't live here. So mom thinks this is a new thing for me, like a new phase of life. For someone who hate housework, it seems I have to do more cleaning and that makes me think of one of my cousin who cleans and cooks and how great it will be if she's living here so that she can clean for me :D There are more things in my room like a small fridge and an induction cooker (I don't cook), but it's a more noisy area. There seems to be a lot more things going on in the neighbourhood.
Put it simply, it's like I'm living in a super small modest studio. That's why my mind goes to Nomadland a lot. In Nomadland, the main character, Fern, decided to live simply in her van and find works in different places in America like many other actual nomads (who are also featured in the movie). To facilitate this move out, I actually shipped a cupboard size of things back home and yet I was stunned I still have so many junks that I lug with me. I thought of Fern and the other nomads in the movie who choose to live the nomadic life. You really have to have the mindset of letting go a lot of earthly possessions. Is it sad? I kinda feel so more on the part that they don't have a single stationary place to live in, but it is perhaps what they are actually looking for. At the same time I also find it amazing that they're able to do this. It is so liberating. So where I am right now, I'm not living in a car. I live in place which is not the nicest thing you see, but there's a place for me to be safe and all this I do on my own. So I should just give myself a pat in the back and like mom said, it's alright. I just need to give it time to get used to this and like in another movie I watched, The Mauritanian, it's not like I live and and being tortured in Guantanamo Bay. I have prayers and God will be there for me. Though I say that, I still freak out and crumble when things go bad. May God have mercy on me.
:) eKa @ 2:12:00 PM • 0 comments
Sunday, April 25, 2021
Really Not As Bad As Last Year
If you had asked me where I'd be right now last May, I would have had an optimistic answer. I thought I would have been vaccinated and I could go home to be with the family to pray for my dad's 1 year death anniversary and yet I am here with a major problem being thrown my way. I'm barely keeping it together and praise be to Mom who's there to tell me to calm down. I'm not going to talk about my issue right now, maybe I'll do it next week. What I can say right now is that I have been looking back and whatever it is I'm facing now, I know it's pale in comparison to last year when it's the worst time in our family's lives. Knowing that did not stop me from freaking out and stressing out though and my head is so all over the place that I didn't even have time to wish that I'm mentally stronger :(
Entering April, it's really a time of reflection for me. I wish I could have done it in a more peaceful way without this shitty thing that I have to deal with. It starts with April 8th. Good God, that's the worst even though obviously it's not the worst day. There's April 23rd and then tomorrow's date. I haven't done any reading on how one should process grief, I'm sure google will tell you it's different for everyone. I can still cry thinking about my dad so I tried my best not to think too deeply about it. Anything longer than a few minutes could get me crying. Don't get me wrong, me and mom have talked / gossiped about him, like his annoying traits or how he would react to certain family news, and we're fine, we could laugh about it. It's just when I think about his dying process or memory of him, I could still cry about it. I had some tears when I went to temple today to pray and right now, just writing this, tears are starting to form. So what I do is that I try hard not to think too deeply about it. Things could appear randomly in my head and when thoughts about my dad appear in public places, like the bus or just somewhere, it's the more I have to snap out it and pull myself together. I don't know if what I'm doing is healthy, but well I have been unhealthy mentally, so this is nothing new?
President Biden said there will come a time when the thoughts of the departed loved ones will bring us smiles first before tears. I believe him when he said that and it is comforting to hear him say that. I don't always cry when I talk about my dad, but where I am now, I could easily cry when I think about him. What happened to us last year was really bad and through it all I'm really thankful that I have my family to go through it all with me. I know how weak I am mentally, how easily I crumble, so I really need someone to lean to :(
:) eKa @ 9:07:00 PM • 0 comments
Wednesday, March 31, 2021
When I buy banana, I always look for the ones in a bunch of 4 and preferably rather green because I'm the only person who will eat them and I eat them over the course of the 4 days, so it shouldn't be overly ripe by day 4. Yes, I am that sad; I eat the bananas from the state that it's hard to peel and tasteless to the point were the skin has turned giraffe like and accumulated maybe too much sugar. It's all very calculated; the group of 4 with a starting light green colour would generally give me a good range of different stages of banana, but then there were times when the supermarket stocks really green green banana that it's not that edible yet. On days like that, I got it anyway because I don't want to go back to the supermarket the next day, but then I would only start eating it the next day and to eat on the day, I got 1 single banana. These are bananas that either have somehow fallen out of the group or were turning yellow and the staff pick them apart so that they can be sold separately. It's very yellow and sometime not that pretty. The sign would say something like, pick me, I'm single! I would then illogically grow a soft sport for them on account on us being the same, alone and ripe and unwanted, left in the basket. So I'd be like, I will choose you single banana, though I am still choosy about the one I would take :D I'm also not all that generous either; when I found out that they're 65 cents a piece, I was like you're still expensive for a banana that may get thrown away (gosh I do hope they won't end up in the rubbish bin, I hope unsold ones will be given for free to the staff or other people), but then I thought, no you're right. So what that you're alone and all ripe, you're still worth your value. Yes, I am projecting way too much of myself into this single banana.
This being March is my birthday month. Turn 39 this year (what the fuck?!?!). Last year when the world was still normal and I went home for Chinese New Year, I met with the best friends and we're talking about maybe taking a short trip this year together, to celebrate the 3 of us being in our last year in the 30 range and Emilia turning 40. We never talk again to plan about it because what can you talk about. It's still not smart to do unnecessary travel though I know many people and Indonesians have done that. Also on a normal circumstances, it's not like borders are easily accesible for Indonesians, so many dreadful paperwork for visa and all. Now during the pandemic, where can we go really? Though if you are in Indonesia, apparently people are still doing domestic tourism. Anyways, birthday always gets me down on account that I'm still stuck but turning 39 feels more depressing because being stuck is not totally true, the age is climbing. Yeah age is just a number but with that age, there's no denying that physically your body is degrading and things that you really want to do maybe forever be closed for you. Looking back as I am ending my 30s, I do see that perhaps my 30s is the decade where I do not do much. Let me break it down:
0-10: I was born, learned how to read and write, arithmetic - pretty much learning how to be a functioning human. There are extreme changes from when you were born to when you're 10, so that's an accomplishment.
11-20: completed elementary school, junior high school, high school and got accepted into a university and moved to a different country. I would say that's quite a life changing moment though now looking back, it's a whole lot of education, yes? The only decade in my life when I was all in institutionalized education.
21-30: graduated from the university, started to do what most adults in the world have to do to survive (I refuse to talk about this), also started to do things that I wanted to do for myself like learning new languages and travelled alone for the first time. The travelling alone is quite life changing as well because I feel it's really building me into someone who is just capable of doing things on my own.
31-40: I have nothing here really. It's all life as usual. Not to say that it doesn't come with its life changing moment as well. Dad died. So that happened. As for things that I did or accomplished, nothing really. Nothing new, not to say the usual stuff is not great, like the travelling have been a blessing, but as accomplishment and all that, I have nothing. It feels like same old same old :(
I still have 1 more year in the 30s, so maybe a good massive thing would happen, but as with anything, I don't have a lot of confidence :( I really don't feel like going on and on like this :( Yes, I am spiralling and yes I know that I'm putting arbitrary deadlines on what should be achieved when and time is a construct, but still, as I march on and try to be okay, I'm just not that okay. I guess it doesn't help that along with the restlessness and anxiety, physically my body has been breaking down everywhere. I'm really am tired and many days I'm still not sleeping. I pray for something good, for good days unlike these ones, but here I am repeating a life I should be grateful for, but not necessarily want to do.
:) eKa @ 11:57:00 AM • 0 comments
Friday, March 12, 2021
I finished reading Girl, Woman, Other by Bernardine Evaristo. I'm really quite slow now in reading due to the lack of discipline. Anyways, I mentioned this book before in one the posts; it's basically a collection of stories of women, mostly of colour, in the UK. The characters are connected in one way or another though the stories pretty much stand alone. I like the book though on some of the stories, I feel like I want to learn more and yet the stories just end there. All the women in the stories have their struggles - rape, racism, patriarchy that's dismissive towards women, poverty, gender and sexuality, and plain old young adults trying to figure themelves out. I have become cynical of young adults with all their "passion and energy", I guess because I feel more and more less young.
One of the character in the story is non-binary, I think. I'm not sure. I don't think s/he's transgender and they use they as their pronoun, so non-binary? This is my issue. Brace for what's perhaps an intolerant opinion. I fully understand if you're physically born male and feel like a female and vice versa. I also get if you don't feel like male or female 100% and more like in between or feel more like a combination of both which is what I understand non-binary to be. All those are fine, but then with non-binary I do not like the pronoun "they" for them because why are you plural? You're still a single person and I get that "it" will be condescending, but whenever I read "they" to describe a single person, it's very disorienting. I know, why should they sacrifice for my benefit, but then the same argument can be made, why should people like me sacrifice for your benefit? I have to admit that I also roll my eyes at what I think is a trend of "common" people (I cannot use normal, right) who like to state what their pronoun should be on their bio. Like what?!? Why is this an issue, why does this have to be front and center? I thought we don't like label. Then I also realized it's a limitation or perhaps a feature of the English language that is limiting. You use he / she / it while in Indonesian, to describe a single third person, you just use Dia which is genderless or should we still be using Mereka for non-binary people to follow the plural they in English? Again why are you oocupying multiple spaces? But then I also think that in Indonesian, most of the time and in a formal setting you need the Mrs / Mr (Ibu / Bapak) to describe an older person or a person in higher position and then what are you gonna do with non-binary people? I just googled, apparently in English, you can use Mx and it's pronounced Mixter. So in Indonesian, what are we going to do? Bupak? Pakbu? Does it matter if the Bapak comes before the Ibu? Gosh, so many things to consider to ensure it's all politically correct.
Googling also shows me that in Indonesian Bugis culture, they have long accepted people who is of a third gender. I actually have heard of this long ago. What is a third gender? I don't know; third gender and non-binary have separate Wikipedia pages though they sound kinda the same to me. Human evolves, right. I mean it's undeniable, it's science. So if human evolves from the past to now, we're definitely evolving to the future as well. I guess to be inside that evolution and seeing it, seeing how things are being raised, discussed, coming into forms or different forms and not fully getting it, you just ... you just have thoughts. Bottom line though, regardless of what the person is, always and always try to treat them with kindness and respect and I know that is a way too easy thing to say. Like it happens to many of us, when you come across someone you don't like, well fuck kindness ;) Anyways, next I am reading The Topeka School.
On other news, mom has received her first shot of the COVID-19 vaccine, oh what a relief. In Indonesia, in the midst of things not working, some things do work. My family was like registering in many places to get a slot for the vaccine. Mom was registered in 3 different places. The day before her shot, in the morning my brother received confirmation for the shot some weeks away and then in the afternoon, they received confirmation for the shot in another place for the next day and she took that appointment. So somehow things work. I was surprised because it felt sudden. Then I was even more surprised when one my good friend, Emilia, said her mother is getting her second shot next week. So somehow things can move fast in Indonesia. That being said my cousin still hasn't gotten confirmation for her parents. Anyways, all went well for mom. She had concerns because on the day of her shot, she saw that everyone were Indonesian Chinese except for one muslim girl bringing her parents. Considering the majority of Indonesians are muslims, if the take-up rate from this demographic is low, then things will not get better. I don't know if there's vaccine hesitancy or they just think the process is a hassle, having to register here and there, and the older people do not have younger people to whom they can ask to register for them online. All and all, I hope the vaccination process in Indonesia is getting more efficient and reaching more and more people. As for me, I don't know when I'm going to get my vaccine. I thought Singapore will be fast and efficient, so it is rather strange that my mom was able to get it first, but it's all good that she did.
:) eKa @ 7:30:00 PM • 0 comments
Friday, February 12, 2021
In the time before, I wouldn't be here writing to you; but it's Chinese New Year in a different time, so here I am blogging. The last time I spent Chinese New Year alone in Singapore was in 2004. I wrote about it in this blog, apparently mom sent me a care package (aww!). This time we're living though, travelling is a costly hassle. So I'm here. Now if this is pandemic time and dad was still alive, I would perhaps approach it with more lonely sadness, but then dad died and since we haven't passed 1 year of his death, the family can't actually celebrate Chinese New Year and so in any case, this Chinese New Year is meant to be subdued. So I was just okay approaching it, but then restlessness can just hit you any time without warning. Yesterday morning I was okay and perhaps was rather looking forward to having the afternoon free, but then in the afternoon, I was just kinda sad restless. They say exercise can help you feel better, well it's not. I did a long walk to get to the mall to get fruit and lunch yesterday and I think the whole thing caused me to be annoyed because when I arrived in the mall, it was crowded. The flurry of people trying to get things done last minute was just ... gosh, I hate people. By the time I got to the supermarket, the staff was saying we needed to queue now because there's many people in the supermarket. I guess I should have counted myself lucky because when I got there, the queue was not that long and by the time I finished, it was snaking and queues to many different places where like combined together, it's hard to see where things ended. Anyways I got my stuff and since then I've just been in my room. I need to get out later though to find something to eat.
Someone asked me what I'm going to do this Chinese New Year. I was wary at the question because I thought the person would ask me to do something together out of pity to me. No such luck or perhaps luckily no - I am that anti-social. So anyways, I'm planning to watch The Godfather since I have never watched that and I have Amazon Prime Video on trial, but then they don't seem to have the 3rd one, so I don't know what I'm gonna do then. I have been trying to watch as much Prime Video as I can before the trial ends in a few days. Though it is cheap at S$2.99, I will not be moving forward with this. The selection is so so for me and I suspect some things are just not available here, like the latest This Is Us is not available here :( and I think some time ago I saw Sylvie's Love available, but not anymore. So I didn't manage to watch that. Back to This Is Us, how did Kevin manage to go from Vancouver to Seattle without identity check? There's no border control? If there is, he couldn't just use the same ID to get on his flight?
Anyways, so how did I get Amazon Prime? Well because I have gotten a new laptop. I wanted so much the same specs of my old Vaio but with better processing power and the closest I can get is an HP. Amazon US is selling it like S$500 cheaper than the HP store in Singapore and the HP store still doesn't have the stock (even now!), so to Amazon I went and they put me on prime trial. It was quite a journey seeing this laptop travel and it made me think of the many things are moving right now all over the world to get delivered. It's kinda crazy. This laptop's journey is as follows: Charleston (Tennessee), Louisville (Tennessee), Knoxville (Tennessee), Louisville (Kentucky), Dubai, Shenzhen, then finally Singapore. It made me feel bad about global warming and all. Anyways, so far the laptop is fast, but if only my old Vaio can just be filled with the latest processor and more RAM, I like it more. The old Vaio has CD drive and more USB ports and an SD card slot which I use for my Canon. The camera was also much better. This camera in this new laptop is just bad, I'm all fuzzy. The lack of USB port also means I may need to get a USB hub and I was surprised to learn those things can be quite expensive :( Then the new laptop battery doesn't last as long as I would have liked it. The only plus I guess aside from this laptop being fast is that it comes with a stylus pen which my old vaio doesn't have. Anyways, as I switched on this laptop today, I got reminded that I need to wipe my old laptop clean and dispose it in the e-waste bin, but I'm still procrastinating.
Hope you guys are doing well. I feel there is sadness when you are alone without your family, though you have technology to communicate. I think people, especially those who have their family living with them, often don't even register this can be an issue for us the lone wolves. Most times we are okay, we're functioning, but then there are times when yeah you feel the sad. I think all these years alone may have done some damage to me emotionally. To be a kite fluttering alone in the sky, it's ... it's a long way down to remember someone is still anchoring you.
Side note: talked to mom just now, it seemed most of the family are just staying put and not visiting. My aunt and uncle who live a few houses away just came and I'm glad to learn everyone are masking even for the short visit. I'm glad if everyone are being cautious and disciplined about this.
:) eKa @ 12:06:00 PM • 0 comments
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