Friday, September 03, 2021

Functional On The Outside, Turmoil On The Inside

Before I wrote this post, by chance I happened to read a random post I wrote in 2009 where I wrote: I realize that I have issue with stress, sadness, and fear. All these negative feeling do paralyze me often but last weekend when I decided to just surrender it all to God, I realize that I can also just be positive and be happy. So 12 years later, no I still can't deal with stress, sadness, and fear and all those negative feelings do paralyze me terribly. I also can't believe that girl who wrote that she could just be positive and happy, like when have I ever? It does make me think that there are always bigger issues. What issue did that 27-year old girl face? I couldn't even remember. I know for sure she wouldn't want what I'm having right now. I have a real freaking problem now. In some posts back, I wrote that my body did something strange during the time when I had to move. The strangeness didn't go away and it's stressing me out even more, so I went to the doctor and blood test and scans confirmed I have something that shouldn't be there. The day I found out I cried my eyes out. Not because I had these abnormal things, but because I have to deal with it alone. It took quite some times to somewhat calm down, but when mom called I just cried again even before I told her what happened. Mom told my cousin who has experience with this and hearing her, I realized I wasn't in awe enough with what she has to go through. Even now I feel my cousin is so tegar (seriously there's no equivalent english word, the closest is mentally strong). She told me to be ikhlas about it (again there's not quite an equivalent in English, closest is just to let it go) and surrender to God so that my heart can be light about it *sigh* This week I went to the doctor again to find out what we should do. The problems are big, bigger than I would have like and I am hung up on that. This is despite of the somewhat good news of the doc opting for the conservative approach of waiting and then reviewing it again after 6 months unless I get massively worse before that. I think she sensed that I'm alone here and it might be hard for me mentally and physically to undergo the last option without any support system. She told me not to stress out because as my cousin said this happens to other people too and there is a solution for this, even though we may not like the solution. While some people (like mom) would react positively to what the doc said, I just can't really be that calm. I may appear functional on the outside, but inside there's a lot of turmoil and I'm really not calm at all.

As I pray to God, I told Him that there are so many things that I need to ask. I just feel I have a lot of problems, like I really really need to get out of my current living situation. In light of this medical issue I'm having, I feel getting out of this place is becoming even more pressing :( I feel so stuck because I'm not seeing ay good affordable options out there. To narrow down my problems to a single wish to be fulfilled is hard and I try to cheat by asking God to please let everything be alright, but that doesn't feel right, it's like I'm greedy. I've read it all and I heard it all, like you are deserving of the blessing but somehow, maybe it's my lack of faith, I'm not believing it. I feel there will be no miracle and it will just be all hard on me. This is not going to be easy despite of how much I wish it to be. Some people will argue that this is the miracle. Things can be way way worse and right now we're not there. I guess since the pessimistic me is convinced the path will be hard not matter what, all I need to remember is that I will be able to do this because no matter how hard it's going to be, God is going to be there too *sigh* I'm really not in a good headspace right now, even more so than usual. I hope it's not the case for you. I hope your days are glorious.

:) eKa @ 9:17:00 PM •