Friday, October 01, 2021

Not This Door

I'm still feeling very bleak, so you can stop reading if you feel tired hearing me. I can't wrap my things around the fact that things are not working out for me. Things that I tried meet me with silence - it's like God is saying, no, not this door. I am saying this fully aware that my so called effort is far from exhaustive. 2 failures out of 2 attempts are just common right, but I just feel so dejected. Right now I feel trapped and I feel like there is no exit for me, there wouldn't be a place out there for me to go to.

Recently this bible verse came to me - James 1:6, But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. Side note: my Christian education drilled a song that allows me to remember the sequence of the books in the new testament in Indonesian, but I couldn't figure out what James is in Indonesian, so had to google it out and found out it's Yakobus. Anyways, that bible verse describes me really well. Along with that verse there's a short reading that said something along the line that if you have faith that God has taken care of your issue, then you should have peace and serenity because it's like a done deal. Reading that, I was struck by the fact that yeah I have lost all faith. Really if I have to be honest, I don't have any faith. The bible also says lean not on your own understanding, but time and time again I whirled in my own thoughts and again and again it shows it does me no good. When you're in trouble, you think of God and here I am pleading with God. All those years in Christian school really leave an imprint on me that when I think of God, it's mostly in the Christian way. That being said, my stubbornness is still holding me back from submitting completely and I can just imagine all those Christians out there saying, so how do you expect God to help you if you're not going to surrender to Him? I don't know, I'm just hoping He be merciful to me.

Since I am in my head a lot, I can tell you there are a lot of negative thoughts. There's anger at people who I perceive as to not be understanding of what I'm going through, who easily say have you considered this and that. The other side of my head tells me of course they don't get it, they're not in your shoes. They don't talk to you on a daily basis, they don't even see you. Even people who sees you everyday (like mom) may get bored with your issues and your lack of effort. There's also jealousy on other people who I see as having it easy in life, like their life is taken care of; they don't have a clue on how to live like me, but then as I think like this, the other side of my head says as much as you can point to people having it better than you, you can just easily point to people having it worse than you. You're not a woman under Taliban rule, that alone makes you extremely fortunate. There is a lot of self-pity. I need to lift myself and make an effort to fix my situation, but I feel so paralyzed (mostly by fear) that I don't know what to do. I feel miserable here and yet I feel this is it, I am trapped, there's no way out, even though there is. There is a way out, but I feel scared that it will be another trap so I need God to show me the right door, to tell me it's alright to walk through and get out :'(

:) eKa @ 7:25:00 PM •