Wednesday, March 31, 2021

Single Banana

When I buy banana, I always look for the ones in a bunch of 4 and preferably rather green because I'm the only person who will eat them and I eat them over the course of the 4 days, so it shouldn't be overly ripe by day 4. Yes, I am that sad; I eat the bananas from the state that it's hard to peel and tasteless to the point were the skin has turned giraffe like and accumulated maybe too much sugar. It's all very calculated; the group of 4 with a starting light green colour would generally give me a good range of different stages of banana, but then there were times when the supermarket stocks really green green banana that it's not that edible yet. On days like that, I got it anyway because I don't want to go back to the supermarket the next day, but then I would only start eating it the next day and to eat on the day, I got 1 single banana. These are bananas that either have somehow fallen out of the group or were turning yellow and the staff pick them apart so that they can be sold separately. It's very yellow and sometime not that pretty. The sign would say something like, pick me, I'm single! I would then illogically grow a soft sport for them on account on us being the same, alone and ripe and unwanted, left in the basket. So I'd be like, I will choose you single banana, though I am still choosy about the one I would take :D I'm also not all that generous either; when I found out that they're 65 cents a piece, I was like you're still expensive for a banana that may get thrown away (gosh I do hope they won't end up in the rubbish bin, I hope unsold ones will be given for free to the staff or other people), but then I thought, no you're right. So what that you're alone and all ripe, you're still worth your value. Yes, I am projecting way too much of myself into this single banana.

This being March is my birthday month. Turn 39 this year (what the fuck?!?!). Last year when the world was still normal and I went home for Chinese New Year, I met with the best friends and we're talking about maybe taking a short trip this year together, to celebrate the 3 of us being in our last year in the 30 range and Emilia turning 40. We never talk again to plan about it because what can you talk about. It's still not smart to do unnecessary travel though I know many people and Indonesians have done that. Also on a normal circumstances, it's not like borders are easily accesible for Indonesians, so many dreadful paperwork for visa and all. Now during the pandemic, where can we go really? Though if you are in Indonesia, apparently people are still doing domestic tourism. Anyways, birthday always gets me down on account that I'm still stuck but turning 39 feels more depressing because being stuck is not totally true, the age is climbing. Yeah age is just a number but with that age, there's no denying that physically your body is degrading and things that you really want to do maybe forever be closed for you. Looking back as I am ending my 30s, I do see that perhaps my 30s is the decade where I do not do much. Let me break it down:
0-10: I was born, learned how to read and write, arithmetic - pretty much learning how to be a functioning human. There are extreme changes from when you were born to when you're 10, so that's an accomplishment.
11-20: completed elementary school, junior high school, high school and got accepted into a university and moved to a different country. I would say that's quite a life changing moment though now looking back, it's a whole lot of education, yes? The only decade in my life when I was all in institutionalized education.
21-30: graduated from the university, started to do what most adults in the world have to do to survive (I refuse to talk about this), also started to do things that I wanted to do for myself like learning new languages and travelled alone for the first time. The travelling alone is quite life changing as well because I feel it's really building me into someone who is just capable of doing things on my own.
31-40: I have nothing here really. It's all life as usual. Not to say that it doesn't come with its life changing moment as well. Dad died. So that happened. As for things that I did or accomplished, nothing really. Nothing new, not to say the usual stuff is not great, like the travelling have been a blessing, but as accomplishment and all that, I have nothing. It feels like same old same old :(

I still have 1 more year in the 30s, so maybe a good massive thing would happen, but as with anything, I don't have a lot of confidence :( I really don't feel like going on and on like this :( Yes, I am spiralling and yes I know that I'm putting arbitrary deadlines on what should be achieved when and time is a construct, but still, as I march on and try to be okay, I'm just not that okay. I guess it doesn't help that along with the restlessness and anxiety, physically my body has been breaking down everywhere. I'm really am tired and many days I'm still not sleeping. I pray for something good, for good days unlike these ones, but here I am repeating a life I should be grateful for, but not necessarily want to do.

:) eKa @ 11:57:00 AM •