Sunday, February 23, 2014
Yes indeed. The grass are brown or perhaps they're not brown, they're just dead. I came from no-sunlight Jakarta into unrelentingly hot Singapore. I did feel like the rainy season came early last year and it seems the dry hot season is coming early too. Way way early. Another sign of the hot weather is when you see the bougainvillea blooming gloriously. A little trivia for you: what you may think as the flowers are actually still their leaves. Really, check it out yourself. Their shapes are really similar like their leaves, but they just happen to have colors. Their actual flowers are actually really small surrounded by these colourful leaves. Since it's been really hot, I was thinking if it's their survival skill to bust out these colourful leaves, since I assume these colourful leaves don't really have chlorophyll in them and chlorophyll are needed for photosynthesis. More leaves with chlorophyll means the plants need to get a lot of water and in this hot weather, it's not sustainable. So perhaps this is the bougainvillea first mode of self-preservation before they do what many trees have done, which is to shed their leaves. Well that's my theory, maybe it's all wrong. Other plant observation in this hot weather is how the ground which are normally covered in grass all went brown. We're so early in the year and we're already facing such hot weather. It feels rather scary to imagine how the next months gonna go. During Chinese New Year holiday, the Chinese fortune tellers invited to share their insight on TV in Indonesia did say we should expect for hot dry weather. Not sure if it's the same in Singapore, but we already had another volcano burst out in Indonesia so yeah, kinda scary to imagine more heat coming our way. Anyway, isn't it crazy that there's only a week left in February? We have gone through 2 months in 2014! Time really flies!Managed to watch a few films in the past 2 weeks. I watched Dallas Buyers Club and I have to applaud Matthew McConaughey. He was so frail and skinny in this film, it's sad and really shows how committed he is into the role. Jared Leto was also awesome, truly truly awesome. It's like there's not a trace of masculinity in the character he played. Overall I thought it was a good film. Then I watched The Wolf of Wall Street in a cinema. Matthew McConaughey also had a small part in it and he was still skinny in the movie. I really really hope he's going to go back to his normal weight soon. It's really disturbing seeing him skinny. A good thing that they're planning Magic Mike 2, so I guess he'll have to go back to his healthy weight for that movie :) The Wolf of Wall Street in Singapore was censored in some parts. I felt 2 parts were cut and I checked and I was correct. The first scene was the sex party that the gay butler had in the condo and the other one was the honeymoon scene in the plane. I'm not sure if there were other scenes which were cut. While I agree that these scenes were obscene as are many other scenes in the movie, I still do not like the fact that a movie get cut. It should be presented in its entirety and if a person feel uncomfortable watching it, they can just walk out. By the way, a part of Delivery Man that I suspected was cut was indeed cut. It was the scene when one of the biological son kissed other guys. I felt more annoyed that these scenes get cut than the scenes in The Wolf of Wall Street because I think the scenes in Delivery Man were pretty harmless, but since Singapore is obviously trying to suppress homosexuality, all these must be thrown away. I wonder how the censorship on these movies goes in Indonesia. Anyway, perhaps because The Wolf of Wall Street is so outrageous, I don't love it much, but I do think it's pretty well made. I also managed to watch The Monuments Men. It wasn't as good or as funny as I expected it to be. They have many good actors in it, but the movie wasn't satisfying for me so it's quite a shame :( It's still a good story though and a good thing that George Clooney brought this story into our attention. The landscape of European culture would have been so different now, if these people hadn't worked hard and risked their lives in preserving all those works of art. Lastly, I watched August: Osage County. Meryl Streep as expected was awesome in it, but I also thought Julia Roberts was great. Wow, August: Osage County is draining to watch with all the family drama :P You will be thankful about how tame your family feel like after watching this, unless your family is worse :P
Another accomplishment I had was that I finished my first book this year. I finished Mr. Penumbra’s 24-Hour Bookstore by Robin Sloan. It was interesting as it began with all the mystery, but I thought the conclusion wasn't satisfying. I guess I was expecting more, just like perhaps many of the characters in the book. It kinda made me think of Sherlock series 3. You have so much expectation on how the story would go but at the end, in this case episode 3 of Sherlock series 3, it was so disappointing that you look at series 3 or the book, Mr. Penumbra’s 24-Hour Bookstore, as a whole as so-so and even perhaps quite a let down. Anyway, the book I am on now was given by the peeps back home. It's kinda a motivational book which is not my type of book since I detest self-help book. However since I have been feeling all depressed last year, it's perhaps a good thing that my friends got me something to motivate me, especially since I wouldn't choose this myself. It's a book from Ajahn Brahm which in Indonesian is called Si Cacing dan Kotoran Kesayangannya. In English, I think it's called either Opening the Door of Your Heart: And Other Buddhist Tales of Happiness or Who Ordered This Truckload of Dung?: Inspiring Stories for Welcoming Life's Difficulties. I first heard of this book from my brother but I have never read it myself until now. It's a collection of short short stories and though I haven't read much, I already felt like being slapped because one of the stories relates to how I often look at my situation, which is a tormenting way of doing it since I obviously feel shitty all the time.
I guess that's about it guys. I wish you great wonderful things in your side of the world :)
:) eKa @ 6:34:00 PM • 0 comments
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Wow only 1 post in January and I disappeared. Laziness for sure and then I went home for Chinese New Year break. Was thinking of writing something before I go, but I was pretty much rushing it out before I left. So anyway, what have I been doing since I last wrote? Well I managed to watch Delivery Man which I suspect had a bit of censorship going on. There was this one part which felt a bit weird, like it was being cut strangely. I also managed to watch HER which I didn't enjoy much. The story actually moved rather slowly. A lot of people think it's touching and stuff and while I think it's nice to have someone who by default you can talk to even though it's a computer, I think having a relationship with an actual human is more worthy of your time. There was a scene which was rather distressing, when Joaquin Phoenix's character realized that the people all around him in the subway station were most probably speaking with their computers. If right now we feel that people are already so dependent on their gadgets, imagine when their gadgets could provide a real sense of companion, people may not feel the need to build a relationship with people and so that's why I felt it was rather distressing. Anyway, here are some things that I managed to write here and there when I was at home. I typed these thoughts using an iPad. It wasn't a fun experience, especially when I had to form HTML tags.For the 2 weeks I was at home, there wasn't a real blue sky. The sky was always grey and dark. It felt like the 1 hour before sunset and not the romantic kind, the kind where the light was disappearing slowly and this sky was like that from morning to the actual sunset and so it's weird and the sun, no matter how hot it gets here in the tropics, is really something you're going to miss. The mood was just so not encouraging with this kinda of sun and Jakarta was also having a hard time this month with the flood and everything. Thankfully despite the weird crazy rain, the area where my house is was pretty safe. So in the word of the Indonesians which is often uttered by non-Muslims alike, alhamdulillah.
Indonesian Idol is on right now and apparently it's been 10 years. Pretty insane! Didn't enjoy it much, though did see one contestant whom I thought was amazing but stupidly the judges were on the fence to let her through saying she's too young and needs to learn more. Crazy, some of the people they let through weren't even as good as this girl. Anyway, I actually tried to keep up with the latest season of American Idol before I left because Harry Connick Jr was in it and along with JLo and Keith Urban, they were really fun judges. I have to say though that I am always mesmerized by the beautiful eyes of Keith Urban and Harry Connick Jr :p
They're still blurring cleavage in Indonesian TV. Last year I wrote about how stupid it was. We're really moving backwards. When I was young, Baywatch and Wonder Woman were actually shown in tv without any censoring. Fast forward around 20 years later to now, so many things will be blurred if they're shown on today's tv. Seriously stupid and seriously we're moving backwards. I hate all the religious pressure into this and all coming from one religion only, which is not representative of the whole of Indonesia.
I was thinking coming back, it gives me a chance to learn more about Indonesian politics so that I'll have a good idea on whom to vote for this coming election. So far though I have learnt nothing. It's gonna be a hard election for me since I don't feel like voting any of the people. Sometime the person is okay, but the party is not really so and sometime the party looks okay but the person has big flaws :( I may end up choosing someone people think really bad. I guess what matters for me these days in Indonesia perhaps more than a cleaner government is to suppress extremism which has its hold in pretty much everything. Perhaps the government loves them because they're a tool to direct the conversation from bigger things, like how shitty our government is.
Anyway who to choose in the upcoming election is like choosing someone to avoid the worse candidate or party to win. A bit like the latest in Indonesian infotainment where the most annoying person there is currently in Indonesia, whom I styled as FuckedUp Abbas, is being sued by another annoying person Ahmad Dhani. I don't like both persons but I have to say that I think it's a good thing that Dhani made a police report for the stupid comments that this guy made towards him and his family when Dhani's 13-year old boy illegally (obviously) drove a car and killed some people in an accident. Yes these are the moronic things Indonesian so called celebrities impose on the Indonesian people and yes Indonesian police apparently deal with I this kinda shit instead of more important things. Also the wife of FuckedUp Abbas has finally got enlightenment that she decided to get a divorce. I do wonder all the time what kind of family stand behind this kind of narcissistic idiot.
I actually got pretty bored at home. Maybe it's the first time feeling so. I actually spent a lot of time playing games on the iPad. Managed to install 3 games and I think I even completed one of them. It's like a mission now to complete all in these 2 weeks time. The games were easy when I started but now it's getting tough. Since they're getting tougher, they've become rather addictive, enough to make me consider the benefit of having an iPad. However then I thought it would be a rather pointless use of my time, I mean I already fill my time with useless things. Filling it more with playing games on the iPad seems even worse. I have to say I can see how this gadget can be so addictive. However when my time came to part with it, I didn't find it hard to let go. Mom got to try it awhile because she was curious about the games I was playing and my cousin on order of my aunt took note of the games I installed so that she can find it for her mom :D
I also experienced a black out, in typical Indonesian fashion. It caused me to go arrrgghh!!! Although I have to say that I wasn't doing anything important. I was basically flipping the channels to watch the different infotainment shows which are still peppering Indonesian TV. Will they ever get old in Indonesia?
I wonder if a child has the right to choose his or her religion. One of the cousin and her kids came by to my house for our traditional prayer before Chinese New Year prayer. She didn't go to her parents' house when her parents were doing the prayer the day before because of the flood situation so when the sky cleared up the day before Chinese New Year, she decided to bring the kids and pray in our house. The kids were young, kindergarten age. The eldest daughter didn't really want to pray but of course the kids were forced to do so. I think the eldest daughter felt it's wrong and against what she believes in / taught in her catholic school. That made me wonder how kids don't really have a choice in what their religion should be, we'll perhaps in countries like Indonesia at least when the belief system is pretty visible in the family. Anyway I had had my own conflict growing up in a traditional praying Chinese family and a Christian school. In the end like now, the two things cease to become a conflict and I just feel comfortable doing 2 prayers equally the same, well perhaps not equally the same. I still run away from overly zealous Christians.
Update: So I asked my cousin about it. She said no, the kids didn't have any moral conflict, so most probably she was just having a temper tantrum. I also want to add that it was refreshing seeing my cousin who's actively serving in his church not trying to draw our family into Christianity and instead he and his wife were pretty okay about my mom and his mom wanting to do the traditional Chinese prayer.
On the topics of kids, I wonder if current Indonesian parents deprive their kids of candies. The little children who came to my house, all seemed to go straight to the candies bowl like they have never seen such treasures in one place before and then the adults with them will always be like no No NO, or only one, only ONE!!! It's kinda sad seeing these kids being denied one of the things that define what being a kid is all about. I wonder if Halloween for kids will ever catch on in Indonesia. Perhaps all the parents will be like it's an abomination.
Blue bajaj. It sounds like a name for a drug or something. Anyway if you're familiar with the transport options in Indonesia, I just want to say that I love the blue bajaj and how I wish all bajaj in Jakarta can change to this blue one who seems to be more environmentally friendly. It runs smoother and with a quieter sound so the trip with it is much more comfortable. Especially since most of them are new, they just look nicer and cleaner. Traffic though was a real nightmare and I am talking about my area. There are just so many people and vehicles. When my mom asked me to walk somewhere, I felt like anytime I could get killed after getting hit by something :( Hate it so much.
The weirdest thing, in one of the tv show, I think the one with the highest rating in the evening, a Muslim mom dared her Muslim son who's the host of the show to pet a dog. That mom looks pious with the Islamic clothing and it's so weird that everyone were just laughing at it and no one sounded a protest. I wonder if the show will get complain or is it just another plot to increase rating?
I was looking for the third and fourth books from the Buru Quartet from Pramoedya Ananta Toer. Last year I found the second book in Gramedia, but this year Gramedia couldn't help me. A shame that they don't stock classic Indonesian literatures. I suppose I have access to the English version of the book, but I would really prefer to read it in the original Indonesian.
My brother was asked if he experiences racism where he works being the place where he works are not known to have many Chinese in it. He said it's actually alright and he said that perhaps it's because he works in the main headquarter in Jakarta. Being Chinese in Indonesia, you do perhaps get one sided seeing how discrimination is, however sadly this time around I witnessed unnecessary rudeness and open intention to discriminate from the Chinese themselves. I feel like I sound self-righteous here, but all this attitude of having to school people or feeling that it's better to be with our own kind are pretty much what fuel the distrust. It's not right. It's totally not right and to see the unwillingness happening in my generation, that's just sad and upsetting :(
Overall I seriously didn't do much, but stay at home despite of me spending longer time in Indonesia this time around. My mom even told me that I didn't go to the cinema this time around. Well yes, I even only went out the mall twice, though I did go to Starbucks twice as well because of the wifi and that truly kinda broke my heart. For some reason spending good money on Starbucks is like a no no for me. A good thing I don't drink coffee. So anyway most of my time was spent sitting down at home. I was telling my cousin that I felt fine with it which is weird because doing that in Singapore normally sends me to the depression hole. My cousin said it's because I am at home. Like even though I am alone at home, I know that my parents will come back from work and I wouldn't be alone and yes that pretty much makes a whole lotta difference. One of the first thing I did at home was laughing wholeheartedly because of what my parents did or said and I know it was a wholehearted laughter because I tried to speak but I couldn't because I couldn't stop laughing. That is really something because I don't think I laugh often in Singapore and even for sure none of those rare moments was with all my heart, more like a polite kind of laughter :(
Before I end this post, here are some pictures I took on this trip. We begin at Changi airport. Being that it's the horse year this year, there's a big Trojan horse like green installation art(?).
:) eKa @ 10:06:00 PM • 0 comments
Wednesday, January 01, 2014
Hello guys, how's the new year has been for you? I spent the last day of 2013 with 2 movies and a lunch. Watched American Hustle in the morning. I thought the cast were really strong. Interesting story and outrageous outfits :P Then I met up with la Gioia at Wild Honey at Mandarin Gallery which I thought was so so. The place was annoying for me and I'm not interested to come back. They invested on what I saw to be only 2 ipads for the whole customers to browse the menu. Other option is for people to look at the board which doesn't have pictures. I'm pretty sure printing your traditional menu is cheaper and will be more appreciated for your customers. I believe the menu in the ipad is incomplete, there's no drink option there and there's no price and none of the service staff made sure we had all the information. Then customers need to queue up and tell the counter the order and pay up, another turn off for me. I also think that's bad, what if we want to order more? No, I'm not interested to queue up again to place another order. So yeah, totally don't like the place and the food was kinda not enough to make me go to the branch in Scotts which according to la Gioia didn't have such a weird service. Anyway we then had our desserts at Antoinette which brought back memory that the place is strangely super cold and that their servings are pretty big. We couldn't finish our desserts. Then we decided to head back home and got away from the crowd. We did make a detour to the Abercrombie & Fitch store. Since I'm not a shopping kinda girl, it was my first experience in that store and it was ... interesting. Quite a sensory experience. Felt like a maze which at first was an annoyance but it became pretty interesting for me. Love how good it smelled inside. Overall though, the conservative me just felt weird inside the store and now I am dying to know if all Abercrombie & Fitch stores are like that.Reaching my room, I decided to take a nap and then in the evening I decided to keep up with last week strange choice of watching a heavy movie. Found Schindler's List and decided to watch that. I was preparing myself mentally for its 3-hour length. Glad that I could pause and go to the toilet. Liam Neeson and Ben Kingsley were awesome in it. It was seriously moving and I cried quite a lot at the end which is weird because though I was stumped during The Act of Killing, I didn't actually cry watching it. I found out that Schindler's List was released 20 years ago which I thought to be quite an interesting luck for me to finally watch it now. It is seriously quite a big contrast to The Act of Killing. These people were put in situation of power, in the The Act of Killing one chose to ignore goodness and be committed in being bad while in Schindler's List one chose to be good and do the right thing. That makes me think that there's always a choice, you can choose to be good, to be a hero, though perhaps Schindler might disagree that he's a hero since he felt he should have done more. So guys, I do totally recommend you guys to watch this classic.
Last weekend, I managed to spend sometime with one of my cousin, Helen, who was in town. Well Saturday morning was spent by myself first. I decided to go to the 2Degree Ice Art exhibition. It was expensive for the tiny size that it is. 32 bucks for admission and 5 bucks for coat rental. The coat was recycled and not cleaned after being used by other people, but I think the dry cleaning bill for your own coat would be more than the 5 bucks, so just bear with it. I spent around 1 hour plus. It was cold as expected but was manageable for me. I wasn't chattering or feeling like I was going to die. Let's just say it wasn't the coldest I've ever felt. Perhaps it did help that as I went in, I was actually feeling pretty hot from walking to get there in the hot sun. The display weren't all that amazing or big for that matter. There were these frozen branches which I'm not sure if the inside were real branches or wires.
Then there's buildings.
Dinosaurs. I seem to be seeing a lot of dinosaurs in Singapore in 2013.
Me and the cousin went to Gardens by the Bay. Since I'm not a member anymore, I decided to only go to the flower dome and my cousin followed suit. It's not your typical Christmas decoration in the flower dome this time around. There are a lot of vegetables, like this cabbage and bell peppers below. By the way you can see a bit of me in the cabbage picture. Never say I never take a picture of myself.
Then there's also these cute things, the pineapple boy, Ananas, and the strawberry girl, Berry. Ananas is actually looking cuter.
Then there's also the moss covered little car.
To end the day, we watched the OCBC Garden Rhapsody at the supertrees.
For more pictures, you can go here.
:) eKa @ 1:49:00 PM • 0 comments
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
So yesterday evening, I decided to watch The Act of Killing which I accidentally stumbled into some weeks ago. I forget what I was googling at the time that caused me to end up to this. It's a documentary about the people who committed countless, hundreds of murder of people suspected to be communist during the communism purge in Indonesia in 1965. Before the bloody reformation period in Indonesia in 1998, Indonesian tv actually had to show a propaganda film every year about how the communists were evil and how the military at the time led by Soeharto managed to eradicate them all. That basically gave credence for him to assume power as President. I personally have never watched the film because it's scary and I could never (still cannot) watch any scary movies. I would end up not being able to sleep and had to go sleep with my parents in the middle of the night. I remember a school trip to Lubang Buaya, where the bodies of important military generals allegedly killed by the communist were dumped, gave me nightmares for 2-3 days. So anyway, after 1998 and President Soeharto resigned, all things started to surface in Indonesia, including about a different version how 1965 went down. There's some conspiracy theory like how the CIA basically supported the coup by President Soeharto at that time. So instead of a coup by the communist, it was a coup by Soeharto with American backing. I guess America didn't want to see more countries becoming communists, especially with Vietnam war already in their hands. Was our President Soekarno at that time intent on making us a communist country? My history knowledge is not that deep to answer that. Perhaps he just felt the west was pretty arrogant and so he wasn't friendly to them. Anyway back to the documentary, The Act of Killing, the maker was curious when he met these killers that they were proud and not remorseful about what they did. So he asked if they would like to do a reenactment of what they did for a movie in whatever style and genre they would like. Their ideas were pretty funky. At 2.5 hours, it's pretty long. It seems that if you're in Indonesia, you can download this movie for free from their website. I watched the International version though with English subtitle which I thought wasn't precise at some parts. I think they should have just kept the word "preman" instead of translating them to "gangster", that would make the connection to "free man" more easily understood. That was the first time I heard of that actually. Anyway, this documentary is critically acclaimed and has won many awards. It's pretty draining mentally. As an Indonesian watching it, what I felt was anger and sadness and more anger, basically a lot of anger. Not to what happened in the past (why I was even slightly sympathetic to one of the killers when he felt tormented towards the end of the documentary), but more into how corrupts and morally rotten the people in power are. I was boiling mad seeing the Chinese vendors in the market being harassed for money and this is their reality, that's what happens to them and many others in Indonesia on a daily basis. It's sad seeing that these are the people who are in charge of our country. I think of people like me and my peers who have all these idealistic. There will be times when my generation will be taking over and some of them are already do and I do really hope that we can do better for our country, but I do wonder if being in the system will change who you are. One corruption case in Indonesia that got me really asking this is the case with former beauty queen Angelina Sondakh. I asked this to Oshie once if being inside the corrupt system will just change who you are. I wonder. We need cleaner, more sincere people. This documentary is seriously honest in its approach. The people being interviewed, who openly expressed their rotten ideals knew they're talking to the camera and it'll be in the film and they were pretty comfortable with it all. There's some undeniable truth in this movie. One of the killer said he didn't feel guilty because he's carrying out order and I am the type of person who thinks that if you are in war, you do have to carry out order for the sake of your side. It's just unfortunate that the side he was in is a very bad one. When confronted that he committed war crimes, he explained and cited correct examples (like the war in Iraq commissioned by President Bush) that the definition of war crimes is being made by the winner. Since he's on the winning side, he could say that what he did was justifiable. It's totally correct. It's the way of the world. So while people can be enraged watching this documentary and think how messed up Indonesia is, this kinda thing happens all over the world, not just in Indonesia. That makes you really sad, no? Another thing that was rather troubling was the many anonymous in the crew list. These are the Indonesians whose identity had to be hidden for the sake of their protection. Hope they'll feel alright and satisfied they had bring up a story that needed to be heard.
Casryn said I watched such a heavy movie for Christmas eve. I guess I did. Today I watched something nice though, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Love it so much. It's not really comedic if that's what you expect from a Ben Stiller's movie. It's more drama and for me I did choose to watch it to be inspired. Feeling rather sad having to do things alone but since it's the reality of my life, I really need to go out there and not just hide in my hole just because I don't feel like doing things alone. Ben Stiller is looking pretty handsome here. Well I have always felt he's quite good looking since Meet the Parents. Just checked Wikipedia, darn that movie was in 2000, it's been more than a decade! Altogether now, aaarrghhhh!!! Anyway The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is pretty good and the scenes were all so pretty. I correctly guessed what the final picture would be, but it was more beautiful than I thought it would be. The clue, ghost cat Walter Mitty was pretty spot on. Love Ben Stiller in this and love how first and foremost it was about his character exploring the world and not the love story. Yes his crush to the girl was a source of comfort, but above all it's mostly about him. I find it rather interesting, funny perhaps, that just one small thing can be the trigger to spur you to do extraordinary things and I think more often that not it is the case, the small thing, the so called straw that break the camel's back and speaking of that I was reminded of the version of that phrase in french that Mr. N kindly told us, c'est la goutte d'eau qui fait déborder le vase, the one drop of water that overflow the vase. I do recommend you guys to watch this movie and I personally really feel the lines below that the movie is telling us over and over. Have a good one last few days (in 2013) guys :)
"To see things thousands of miles away, things hidden behind walls and within rooms, things dangerous to come to ... to draw closer ... to see and be amazed. That is the purpose of LIFE."
:) eKa @ 10:23:00 PM • 0 comments
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Hello guys, writing this using my new vaio which I got yesterday. My old vaio has served me for the past 7 years. I haven't discarded it yet. It's still working albeit slowly at most times, but you know I have a fondness towards it and it did take me some time especially in these last few days to decide if I really want to let it go. I'm not the type of person who change IT gadgets ever so easily, example: I've been using my ipod for the past 6 years. I just think it's a waste when people easily change their IT gadgets, which make me wonder what people do with their not that old things when they get new things. While people may look at me in a bit of a ridicule with things that I own, like my phone (so many people have asked me why I am still using my nokia), I actually take quite a pride that I don't submit easily to following what the mainstream mass is into (for the record, my phone is smart enough, I can make call, send text, browse the net, take picture, and that's enough for me). If any ridicule to be made, it's me looking down at how the "smart" gadget that people have does not necessarily help them to be smarter. No amount of technology can change your inherent nature of wanting to get knowledge. Anyways, I seem to have gone defensive there, so let's talk about this new vaio. Decided to get a cheaper one than the one that I set my eyes first, but I feel happy with this decision. It has bigger screen, the same as my old one so that's one big plus, though this one is smaller in size compared to the old one. The processing power seem to be slightly higher than the one that I initially wanted. The keyboard which I am using to type now is very soft and nice, but I need more time to get used to it. It's black, so yay! Been wanting to have a black one since my first vaio but there wasn't any at that time, though I have to say the silver one for this model was quite good looking too. It's in Windows 8 so that is a HUGE change and I really need to get used to how things are. My previous vaio is in XP which causes my IE to be stuck, not being able to be upgraded to view HTML 5 content and yes before you scream at me for even mentioning IE, I did end up using firefox or chrome to do my browsing, mostly firefox. The chrome seemed to get my internet connection to disconnect all the time in the previous vaio. Again with all my unexplainable fondness, I do have a fondness with IE, so I am typing this post now in IE. It gives me some error though while going to blogger :( I still need to install things, maybe I should make a list now that I think about it. Right now, I just get rather overwhelmed thinking I need this and that. Yesterday, I almost collapsed trying to figure out how to connect the Bluetooth mouse I was given. I had a bad flu yesterday or a bad allergic reaction (I'm not sure), anyway I was sneezing like crazy and the head was getting painful and I tried so many things and yet it couldn't work. The OCD me just couldn't let it go and lie down (side note: yesterday evening as well, I was driven crazy on finding the one sock that I was so certain that I saw with its pair an hour before. With the mouse not working and me getting sicker, it was really hard, but I did find it). I also did manage to make the mouse work *yay!* Thank God, I almost wanted to give up and planned to get a normal mouse with cable today. Would I though? As I said my OCD just couldn't let me just lie down and watch Agatha Christie's Poirot on TV. Thank God all is okay and I didn't faint. So what else to say about this vaio. The screen is a touch screen, I suppose because it enhances the use of Windows 8. I'm not one who like changes, so as much as I think Windows 8 is more user friendly for people who are using the computer for the first time, I am just missing the previous windows experience that I have grown up with. I just found out that my computer only has C drive, which again I think make sense for people who are using computer for the first time. I mean all those partition can be confusing right, but now for me it troubles me somewhat without it. So much things to get used to. Suddenly I am thinking about Sheldon Cooper and Abed having to deal with changes :D With that TV reference, can I just say that Hawaii Five-0 is so promoting Windows 8. Like every time I managed to catch it on TV, there will be deliberate shots where the guys are using Windows 8. Product placement which is too obvious like that just turns me off and Indonesian TV and films these days (imagine films!!!) are so guilty of that. Anyway so I guess that's about it. I'm not one who gives myself Christmas present though I do seem to be always getting myself something near Christmas time. I just want to say that this year, the Christmas present is quite expensive. I do hope it'll last as long as the previous one.Moving on, I finished reading To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. I love it. Didn't expect the story to be as warm as it is since in the back cover it's written, "Shoot all the bluejays you want, if you can hit' em, but remember it's a sin to kill a mockingbird". A lawyer's advice to his children as he defends the real mockingbird of this enchanting classic - a black man charged with the rape of a white girl. So I was expecting something more intense, but it was actually quite a warm story as seen from the eyes of the young daughter of the lawyer. The rape case was perhaps the highlight of that period for the kids and the town, but there are actually other things being explored. The rape case story itself only started almost halfway into the book. I love the book and I'm glad I got to experience it. It has a really meaningful message in it so I get why it's a classic. I do have difficulty imagining the period. I kept thinking it's like in Gone with the Wind period where the ladies are wearing those long gowns, but it's actually more modern since they have cars. Maybe it's before Mad Men era? So anyway that's book number 4, I am short of my 5 books a year goal, so I need to try harder next year. I did get a new book today. I ended up choosing Mr. Penumbra's 24-Hour Bookstore by Robin Sloan. I was already kinda intrigued by it when I was choosing the 4th book this year. Today I finally settled on it because in the book cover, there's a line written by Erin Morgenstern about how she likes the book. Erin Morgenstern wrote a book that I really love, The Night Circus. So I guess if she likes it, it should be good :)
Other thing that I managed to do today is to wake up rather early and go watch 12 Years a Slave. It's a good sad movie. I think there's no word sufficient enough to describe how awful and unfair slavery is. I was thinking how lucky we are to not experience it but I know slavery is not totally gone in this world. You just need to go to CNN to read about modern slavery. 12 Years a Slave tells the story of a free black man who was conned and ended up being sold as slave. Imagine that, how horrible that must have felt. Horrible is perhaps not a good enough word to explain how it's like. In the end he got his happy ending, but it was truly heart-breaking for me seeing how he had to leave the other slaves who were still have to suffer the injustice :( There's one person free, but for the many others it's an awful existence without hope of an end. It's definitely a strong movie. The cast were great, they would definitely move you, especially Chiwetel Ejiofor who played the main character, Solomon Northup, and Lupita Nyong'o who played one of the slaves. One thing that I found interesting are the dialogues which I would describe as a bit Shakespearean though perhaps it's not the right word to describe it. I love hearing the English being used and it makes me feel how we're so not poetic in the way we speak in this modern world :P
I'm gonna stop now. A few more days to Christmas. Tomorrow is Mother's day in Indonesia which is also tangyuan day for the Chinese. Then it's a few more days to the new year which I know I will dread as the days are passing by. I wanted to do something at this end of the year, but I don't think I'll get to do it, so it's business as usual. The malls have been annoyingly crowded. "How I hate people!", lament I. I haven't been feeling much Christmas spirit, haven't been listening to many Christmas songs, but I am going to leave you with this picture. It's the Christmas decoration in Wheelock Place, one of the malls here in Singapore. For those of you who have started to enjoy the Christmas holidays and end of the year, hope you have great one :) Peace out!
:) eKa @ 10:52:00 PM • 0 comments
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
The (Useless?) Things in My Brain
I was thinking of writing a post fitting of the title during the weekend, but Saturday was spent finishing season 1 of Les Revenants and on Sunday, I had a massive headache caused by a strain in the neck and so I didn't manage to write anything. Now more than 12 hours later since I watched Season 3 Finale of Homeland, I still couldn't shake off the sadness that Brody died :'( and so this post will be about tv and all the things I watched which most probably be too many and will make you think that I seriously have no social life and to that I say you are spot on :) I have no social life but the love for stories are just innate in me. I loved reading when I was young and too bad the many distraction in my adulthood have steered me away from reading more, though I do try. I always love tv, I am the one who sneaked out of the room during nap time to watch tv and how weird that when I was a kid, I detested having to nap and now I am longing for it. I love movies and watched a lot of stuff and yet I still feel I haven't watched many good movies out there. Bottom line, all those love points to one basic and simple truth, I love stories :) I just do. With that, let's do this.Let's begin with Homeland. Hiks :'( Season 3 hasn't been so Homeland-ney if I can say so. I think I wrote before that I thought season 2 was better than season 1. Going to 3, I was like ... err. It so happened, when I got round to watch it, it's on the same evening as The Walking Dead season 4 and I always did it as such that I would watch Homeland first then The Walking Dead and it was a good way to do it because this season of Homeland was rather slow at times (I really do not want to use the word "dull") to the point that if something happened, I was rather excited when in retrospect the thing that happened wasn't that amazing to begin with but when you set it against what's been going on, you just got kinda pleased. It was so in contrast to how The Walking Dead been presenting itself this season; they were bang bang, fast speed on the get go, from the first episode. Either way though, I was still watching Homeland because I remember how much I loved it. This weekend as I was thinking that the season finale is coming soon, I was thinking about how people in the internet have been saying that Brody should die and I was thinking I will not be ready for it to happen. Had I written this post on the weekend, I was already planning to write something like, I hope they didn't kill Brody. They did do and it was so surreal I guess. As the scene was developing, I was thinking something's gonna happen, like Quinn would suddenly already swoop down to Iran to go all badass and save Brody. It would perhaps speak a lot to Quinn's character as someone who really just follows order as he was the one who was assigned to assassinate Brody in season 2. That didn't happen and I thought Javadi would use a body double during the hanging, but that didn't happen. As it really did happen, I was in an okay mood. There was no tear shed, no "Oh my God!!!". Weird. I guess I was in denial, thinking that perhaps he's not truly dead, that it is another conspiracy thingy. It did sink in and I did feel truly truly sad as evident by my tweet after watching the episode. I got even more sadder this morning as I read recaps and interviews with the creator and it added more finality to the whole thing that Brody is truly dead :'( Now going back to the last episode, I feel it was more tragic because Brody and Carrie didn't have their last resolution to how they feel about each other. Yes Brody now knew that Carrie is pregnant with his child, but there was not a last kiss or even a hug. It was all so sad and I personally feel worse because I've taken a lot of liking for this character. You see, in season 1 you have Brody as this bad guy and you really just want to root for Carrie to take him down and just hate him, but then the unpredictable Carrie factor really just changed what should be a straight forward thing, and she managed to turn Brody and you really just start to want a happy ending for him and you began to think it could happen in season 2 until his confession video was released out framing him, arrrgghh :'( From then on, it seems he just didn't have a chance all the way to the end. So sad. I know Brody wants everything to be over but it still is hard to accept his death :'( If he has to be gone, I would rather he's just be alive in exile somewhere. Love Damian Lewis in Band of Brothers and love him again in Homeland. His death really makes me not so excited about season 4 anymore :( Perhaps it could be something that I watch when I have nothing else to watch rather than something I eagerly keep up with each week *sigh* Even the presence of Quinn whom I love in season 2 cannot soothe this sadness :'( and by the way, didn't Quinn say he's gonna quit CIA once all this is over? So why is he still there 4 months later?
So that's that. It's rather weird that I'm feeling this big loss over a character dying. When Hank died in Breaking Bad, I was sad even though I knew there's no way out of it, but in the end I was okay. Maybe if Jesse had died, it would have been a different story, but overall I was okay with how Breaking Bad ends even with Walt dead. Perhaps because it's a series finale, hmmm. Then we have the The Walking Dead mid-season finale, where we also had one of the main character died. The governor died which was good riddance for me since I really dislike him. Then Hershel died, I was feeling sad as it was going to happen, but overall I was okay. The weird thing was that I was okay as Brody was dying, but then after the hour was done, I was feeling really really sad :'( Hiks ... Anyway, looking forward for The Walking Dead to come back soon. By the way, as the boy who plays Card grows, I begin to think there's so much Daryl in him. They kinda look alike too. In this universe of zombie apocalypse, I just see that when Carl is an adult, he's gonna be all badass like Daryl :P
Speaking of the undead, last week I finished season 1 of Les Revenants or The Returned as it's called in English and I do recommend all of you to check it out, asap! I found out about this because I read an article that the Americans are planning to make the american version of it. It's french so I thought I should check it out, hopefully at the same time I could get same french knowledge into the brain. I was ready to watch it without the subtitles but then I found versions with english subtitle and I have to say that my french is super bad and the subtitle is much much appreciated. I guess it's also because they speak in a more casual manner, like for anyone learning Indonesian, they may have difficulty understanding how Jakartans speak because we unconsciously structure our sentences differently. Anyway Les Revenants took a different view of the undead. I guess with zombie, we're just accustomed to see them as something monstrous, but what if dead people can come back and be seemingly normal and not in pursue of eating other humans. This is the theme presented by Les Revenants. The human drama and reaction of the family finding out their loved ones come back were interesting for me. There was the mother who was undoubtedly happy, a twin sister who cannot deal with what's happening (after all if you have tried to cope with a death that ruins your family, being pulled back to like nothing ever happened is a lot to digest), then there's also the guy who cannot accept that his love has moved on with life (it was kinda selfish of him not being able to see what 10 years of having to accept death can do to someone). Of all, I was most taken by the grandpa who's so freaked out that he decided to just burn his dead wife along with his house and then commit a suicide. However the undead will just be undead and so the wife returned back. Also an interesting question, how do you feel if the person you killed comes back, how do you react? While it may seem like it's all human drama, Les Revenants is much more than that. There's a sinister undertone and it's intense and suspenseful without actually shoving blood and scary deformed zombies into our face. One of the character that I'm so curious about is the little boy, Victor. This boy is so cute (when he speaks) and creepy (when he doesn't) that you don't know if you want to feel good about seeing him on the scene. Love seeing him, but I start to feel worried because the thing about child actor is that they grow and if he has to be written out because he's grown so much, it's kinda sad. Anyway, I feel it has a Lost-esque feeling about it with all the mystery, like who gets to come back, and why now, why this village, and where's Victor had been all this time since his first sighting 4 years ago when he caused the bus crash. There are only 8 episodes in season 1. At episode 7, for some reason I felt it was getting weird and going to be silly, but by episode 8, it was so gripping and intense and all without actual violence happening. At the end of episode 8, I feel like, what's going on?!??!!? It's too bad that season 2 is not even in production yet. I hope they're going to be really clever in explaining the mystery.
As I do hope the people in Sherlock will be when they have to explain how Sherlock survived the fall. Yes, that is another thing that I watched. Starting in January, along with Community which I'm quite excited about since Les Revenants made me feel like I need to watch something funny. Before all that, we still have Downton Abbey Christmas special we have to go through. Now that I wrote that, perhaps I'll survive Brody Homeland death just as I have survived the death of Matthew and Sybil. Those 2 were quite hard to take as well. Oh yeah, it's rather amusing for me that Les Revenants in France has a warning that it's not recommendeded for kids below 12. One episode even had a 10 years old and below warning. Yes, there's not much violence, there's nudity which is expected for something french, but still I thought the vibe can be too frightening for teens. After I watched the last 3 episodes back to back, I was wondering if I can sleep alright :P
On other news. Last Italian class last Saturday. Not gonna sign up for the new class. Not sure what I'm gonna do next year. I feel like I should start planning things. Really feel like I should learn another language, but like everything else I don't know what I should be doing :( Anyway, in class, there was an exercise where Sara asked us to watch a muted short clip and try to think about the dialogue happening in that clip. There's a clip when Marilyn Monroe was about to sing Happy Birthday to President Kennedy. Before the clip was shown, there's the black and white image of Marilyn and Sara asked us if we knew who that was and what's happening. I answered it's Marilyn and I guessed it's the Happy Birthday clip. In retrospect, I wonder if my classmates knew who she was, like I wonder if I should have answered with her full name, but seriously who's the most famous Marilyn out there. She can go on a first name basis. Then as we watched the clip, one of the classmate asked which president she's singing it to. I was seriously stunned and I had to tell her it's Kennedy. They were also laughing at my other classmate version of the dialogue which involved her singing happy birthday in a breathy tone. I think they didn't know it was really like that. This got me thinking some things. One, I have so many useless things in my head? I know things like this. However you see, I feel proud and good that I know all this and the evil me do look at these people like they're just not my kind of people. I am an elitist as I think people have tried to allude. I'm not that smart smart though, so I guess I cannot be part of the elitist because they will look at me the way I look at these people. Two, I begin to think, I seriously SERIOUSLY need to be with someone who can match this knowledge of mine. Maybe it is too much to ask, hence I am still alone, but I cannot imagine being with people who don't know stuff. Lastly, I begin to think that perhaps I see myself as too young. I mean perhaps and there's a big possibility that all these girls, my classmates with their ignorant questions are way younger than me. Maybe I look old and I'm denial about it. I wonder if people see me and they straight away think I am 30 something? I guess if these people are like younger, perhaps I can pardon them a bit, but I do wish if they're in their late 20s that they would have more general knowledge. So with that very snobbish and arrogant note, I should end this post before I sounds more like an ass.
:) eKa @ 7:23:00 PM • 0 comments
Saturday, December 07, 2013
Today in Italian class, the topic was still about movies and I told the class that the last Italian movie that I watched was probably Italy: Love It or Leave It. I said I like the movie because I find it very interesting the different sides of Italy that the movie gives. Usually foreigners will see Italy as this wonderful beautiful place, but this documentary gives a more real view of Italy. I said those in a not very articulate Italian, but basically that's why I love it. It was refreshing for me when I watched this documentary and obviously since the film makers decided to show these sides, they know that these issues exist and it's pretty encouraging that they are bringing to the front things which they deem are wrong or bad because this shows that there are people who are in tunes about things that are wrong and that there are people who are not ignorant. It's important because by understanding things that don't work, only then can we start to find a way to fix them. Now that I wrote that, I'm thinking why I didn't say this when I was explaining why I like that movie. Anyways, another girl has also watched the movie and she didn't like it because she said it showed a lot of bad sides of Italy and for the title of Love it or Leave it, the documentary does not give a balance argument to each side. All seems to point out to leave it. The documentary itself was somewhat came to fruition because the couple who made the movie was at the point of deciding if they want to leave Italy. The couple was this Italian and a non Italian. The Italian was feeling heavyhearted about leaving but as they explored Italy more, they realized it's getting harder to find a way to love it wholeheartedly. In the end though, they chose to stay. I guess it kinda resonates with me too because I still love Indonesia though when I look into it, there's just more and more things that I hate about it, but here I am still keeping my citizenship. I have to say, I think it's easier for me to say I love Indonesia since I'm not living in it. If I live in it and I have to deal with the shit day in and day out, I may say differently.So anyway it got me thinking of how I view things and hence the title above. Does it seem that I am the pessimistic one? I mean I know I am. The glass is half empty for me all the time. I just feel like I prefer thing to be told in all its sides rather than be sugar coated to make it easier to swallow. It's a strange thing to say considering I don't like getting the necessary harsh truth. In fact, I always get stressed out when I have to deal with inconvenient truth. That being said, I don't know, I guess I would still rather choose to know all the bad sides first. It's like the bad sides are more important since that way you would really know what you're getting into. The good sides are more like a bonus. Maybe this only makes sense to me? Anyway, next week is the last Italian class. What are we gonna do next year? I have no idea. In this downward mood, I have no desire to do anything :( This week, there's indication that the thing that I don't want to happen may happen and the stress is building again :( I'm trying to pull it together, but I just can't really control my mind. It's all so screwed up. I often can't sleep on many nights now. Sunday night is not the worst anymore, there are many nights like that these days. Mom wishes for me to be more relaxed. Perhaps I shouldn't be so stubborn in how I read things and take another view of the situation. Obviously the way I have been looking at things only sends me spiraling deeper into the dark hole so perhaps a more positive read on things could lift me up. I always say I can't control how I think or feel. I know for sure it's not correct since many people have testified on their ability to control how they think and feel and the good thing it does to them. It's a matter of wanting to do it and be disciplined about it. I got it right when I used the word "stubborn" up there since I stubbornly holding on to how I have been feeling instead of trying to change it. You know what they say, "if you cannot change the situation, you can change how you feel about it". I don't know why I can't bring myself to be positive or even just try to be positive.
Moving on to stranger stuff. In Italian class today, one of the girls in class said, "I don't know who Anthony Hopkins is". WHAT??!?! Another one then asked who Susan Sarandon is. I know it's rude, but in those 2 instances, I was like openly, "hah?". I mean like, you girls live in a city, come on! Then I was thinking, darn it Eka, there are people like that. No matter how easy it is for them to access information, they will just not use it to fill things into their brains and it's not like these things are that important and you know one of them has a husband, the other has a hot boyfriend (so the class was informed last week) and what do you have Eka? What do you get with all these information in your brain? Yeah, I got nothing. So we're moving on to other topic now. I was ambivalent about it, but in the end I decided to just go watch Frozen after class today. It's just it's been awhile since I've been in a cinema. It's actually only been like 2 weeks. Anyway, there isn't any movie which is like calling to me these past few weeks, but then I thought I should just go and as I entered the cinema hall, I realized how I really do like movies. I want to bring this to your attention, the thing about watching a cartoon in a cinema is that there are many little kids and darn they're noisy! I think the thing I hate more than their talking, screaming, and comments is the parents who let them do it. Arrrrgghhh. I observed that today it's the Asian kids who are doing it all. There were westerner kids and somehow they know to just sit and watch the movie without making noise. What's wrong with these Asian parents?!?!? Though I have to say, the most annoying mom I've encountered was the mom who brought her young kids to watch Midnight in Paris. She let the kids run around in the cinema hall. I was ready to murder her.
Anyway, Frozen was delightfully wonderful. I love it very much. Most surprised with Kristen Bell. She sounded so different. I was in disbelief that it's her. There's not a trace of her Gossip Girl voice. I am also most surprised that she can sing really well. The songs, I have to say, are one of the part that makes this movie great. It really gives a Disney feel to the whole thing, although I have to point out that I have mix feeling about the lyric of the songs and the musical style. I love all the songs, I don't hate them, but I wonder if they're really just gonna be bad without the modernized pop feel in the melody and the lyrics. Like if the lyrics were more poetic instead of more current to adapt to how people these days speak, would they make the songs not as easily loved? I don't know if you get me. Anyway, back to the movie. Totally didn't see the twist coming though as it was revealed I did have an inkling on how the story will be resolved and I was kinda right. Glad that I went to watch it :) Feel like finding the songs so that I can put them on loop :) Okay guys, that's all I have so far. Darn, it's always much better in my head of the things that I want to say but when the time comes to write it, I couldn't pin them down anymore or make a good connection from one thought to another to make a fluid composition :( Hope your days will be great. I hope nothing bad will fall on me, but I can only pray and pray for that :( How I wish I can be happier.
:) eKa @ 8:35:00 PM • 0 comments
Saturday, November 30, 2013
This week Oshie told me about something rather worrying that may or may not happen to his small family. The way he explained the unwanted bad problem as something that may or may not happen reminded me of the similar way I wrote about something bad that I totally do not want to see happening to me in the future. Another thing that came to mind was of the pep talk that Emilia (one of my besties) gave to us all when I was back home earlier this year. She said that as long as your problems are not money or health related, then there's no need to be so stressed out. It's like when you have both, the other issues can be removed, destroyed, or let go. That talk was comforting, but as usual just as my plane lands in Singapore, I would usually go back to my gloomy side. Anyway being reminded of that and in light of what Oshie may or may not have to face, I do have to admit that as grave as my problem seems to me, it's really not bad compared to real issues, like financial or health problem. Somehow I felt like I was being told to not complain so much (as I always do, complaining and being reminded to not be so whiny), but again the spoilt me would just want to stomp and say, no, no, NO, I don't want this!!! So anyway, my situation is still in the waiting period. When I tried to see whatever options available for this, I get really stressed out and so ignoring it is better for the heart, but perhaps not the best way to face this. As for Oshie, I haven't gotten the latest news, but I do hope it will not be a bad one.Talking to Oshie, I somehow kept on saying that being 30 added urgency to the issue and he had to correct me that we're 31 and then I realized how seriously in denial I am. You see, I seriously think I'm 30. It's like not wanting to move on and accept that I am already over that number. Then this week as I lay in my bed and letting the thoughts just come and go (big mistake!), I got reminded what 2014 would mean. I would be 32 and then there's panic forming. It's the usual stuff of me living my life another year as it has been. A realization came that perhaps it will really be just like this, that nothing will change, that I would just have to accept this. I cannot do that. I cannot bear to live my life as it has been but then as usual I don't know what I should do if not this. If I am to be asked what I want, what would make me happy, the answer will be partly abstract and partly not up to me to make it happen. The abstract part, being abstract that it is, makes it feel like I'm in a middle of a thick fog, not being able to see whatever roads around me that I can take. I hate it when people say do this or that or figure out what you want to do. It seems they do not understand that I just cannot see all the options available. If I think about this fact of me getting older and older and having to do my life this way on and on, I seriously don't know if I can do it. Now, that's another honest depressing thought I am writing here.
So let's talk about other thing. 2 more Italian classes left. I don't think I have improved much. I don't talk much and so far I have only done 1 writing homework, which was short and bad as usual and shallow in content. I tried to be eager in the study, as shown by doing that homework when noone else did, but I don't think all my classes so far are enough to help me improve, especially in the writing part. I can understand things and the listening part is not a major problem, but to express myself or explain what I hear is difficult and not as rich if I do it in English and I believe things like this can only be improved by speaking more and writing more. For example this blog, writing these many entries do help me get my thoughts out in English, both in speaking and writing. The fact that I haven't written a lot these days do have its impacts in my ability to articulate what I want to say in English. The words don't come as easily and as coherently. So just like my Italian and French knowledge, I need to speak and write more and it's difficult to do it myself since grammatically I am not all there, so that's why I need teachers. I really do need to make the most of the last 2 classes left. Anyway, the reason I decided to write about Italian class was actually more to talk about how my memories failed me. The topic today is Italian cinema. The listening exercise today was about these 2 films which Sara asked if we have watched. All said no and then during the listening, I realized that I actually watched one of the film, La Finestra di Fronte. It's disconcerting that I didn't remember at all that I have watched it and how I have forgotten what the story was and only when I listened to the conversation exercise that I remembered some parts of it but not every details of the story. It's disconcerting how I totally forget about something like it never happens and I do know that I completely forget other things too like they never happen as well. For example when my parents came this year, they told me about things that happened during my mom's last visit and I totally have no recollection of that. Then during the train ride today, I began to analyze how I remember things these days and I do have to say, they're not as vivid as I normally remember things. Normally when I remember what someone said, I would remember the situation exactly, who stood where, what people were wearing, but now I don't seem to remember things that way anymore. I wonder if it could be that I have just been reluctant to participate actively in the situations (which by extension means my life) that I don't remember stuff in high details anymore. Either that or my brain is going weak and I would rather not believe it is, though there are signs showing it is going weak :(
So talking about movies, I watched The Hunger Games: Catching Fire last week. It was really really good. It's kinda refreshing watching a movie based on a book without having read the book. I wasn't critical about anything and the twist came to me as something really really good because I totally didn't see it coming, totally unexpected. I really like the movie and I'm pretty eager to watch the next one and re-watch the first one. One of the draw to watch this movie was knowing that one of the main dresses that Katniss wore was designed by an Indonesian designer named Tex Saverio, whose clothes were also used in America's Next Top Model cycle 20's Finale. That dress was used in the early promo pictures for the movie and it does look nice, but I was still quite surprised to see it as really white in the movie because in the promo picture, it didn't seem so. If there's anything I didn't like was the transparent straps that were visible in Katniss' shoulders in the movie. I am quite fussy, aren't I? I have to say that the costumes were great. It's always a delight to see what Effie would wear :) She's really interesting in this movie and surprisingly for me, the most touching moment in the movie came from her when she rallied the group one last time and said that they're a team :) I almost shed a tear. Now back to my memory topic, during the movie I kept on thinking who's the guy who played Finnick. He was quite good looking and I wondered if I have seen him in other movies. I tried to dig my brain, but I couldn't pin point anything. Then as the credit rolled, I saw a name which I don't even really remember now, but seeing that name I knew it's him and I knew where I had seen him. He was the clergy man / priest who fell in love with a mermaid in the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie. My brain is a weird one.
The news this evening is about the Thai protest. Coming from a country where political parties and politicians are putting themselves above the people and country, the situation in Thailand is kinda understandable for the Indonesian me. It sucks that the people are being manipulated to fight it out in demonstrations to push each other out. It will just be a game of brawns which will just damage the people and the country. Isn't election is all about avoiding all these clashes? I know it's hard to just sit down and wait your turn when you think that your cause is just, but all these protests which lead to violence, it's just not right. I hate all the threats made on the basis of feeling righteous and in Indonesia, I can point FPI as one of the most annoying thing in my wish list that I really want to see gone. Hmmm ... I try guys to write interesting things in an eloquent manner, but I think I'm failing. So I'm gonna stop now. I'm expecting a good week next week. I hope it will really be and I hope your days be great as well. Bonne nuit!
:) eKa @ 8:17:00 PM • 0 comments
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Hello guys, so how have you all been doing? Since you can't answer me back unless you would want to write description of how your week went down in the comment section, let's just answer how I have been doing since the last I-hate-God post. I guess there's a false comfort going on. I mean some things still cause me to want to jab the pencil I was holding into my arms because I couldn't just throw things at the person I was in the phone with. Some things still get me anxious though perhaps there's slight improvement that someone noticed my anxiety and attempted to ease it. It was much appreciated. If only other things would fall into their places as I beg God to help me. Yes, after I kinda told God that I was hating all that's happening and think it's unfair, I proceeded to feel guilty and sinful about feeling that way and that was rough, and then I continued to my usual self of pleading that He'll help me out. I don't know how my relationship is with Him now. They say God is the all merciful and so He'll forgive me and such, but I can't help still feeling guilty sometime, I guess because I still pretty much have all this resentment inside.As for the things that spurred me into going all hate mode last week, well I was told that it may or may not happen though the person who told me seems to want it to happen. If it happens, it may only happen after chinese new year. So she told me to just relax for the time being. I can't be relaxed about it or so I thought. I mean if you're telling me something bad for me is gonna happen in the future, I wouldn't be able to keep my cool. However, in the end, I did perhaps let it go. I'd like to attribute it to the fact that I really do have other things to watch, however I think I'm somewhat running away from the issue and this nonchalant attitude is so gonna bite me in the ass. For now though, I have to say that not having that much fear, not crying that much is kinda good. Though I begin to not being able to sleep more regularly now and as felt today I think I still look very very sad. It's kinda nice when I chatted with my cousin this week, she told me that things are harder for me because I'm alone. I know some people think it's no big deal having to do things on your own and basically save yourself from shitty situation, but seriously sometime it's really hard for me and I feel people don't really give me much credit about it. At least my cousin could understand that with no support system in my life here in Singapore, especially a family, things feel harder for me to deal with. I know people like mom is trying to help as much as she can and that's pretty much by offering money as soon as she learned of the situation. Something I don't need, but it's nice to know that there's always a bailout ready for me. She also keeps on telling me to be strong, but you know I don't want to have to be strong because I cannot accept that the shitty things should fall on me. However sometime you just can get away from it. No matter how much you try to prepare, no matter how much to you pray, shit really just happens. So this pretty much how my mental state is currently.
This morning was Italian class. I don't enjoy my Italian class much and I feel kinda bad saying that because the teacher Signorina S was very nice to me. I think it's because I have no friends there and I can't break into the existing groups, so I'm pretty much alone and that makes me not excited about coming to class :( I guess Sig.na S notices that and she tries to make sure I'm okay. I submitted a piece of writing today and though she said molto bene, I felt there are too many mistakes :( Mr. C has kinda screwed me up because he instilled in me that in french, you need the "de" as "to" when you write something like "it's easy to ..." ("c'est facile de ...) and I used that rule in my Italian homework, but it's not that way in Italian, no connector needed, so it's like "è facile ..." and this one mistake riddled my homework. I wonder if I knew that before learning french, I guess I did because that was the mistake I made in french which caused me to remember Mr. C trying to drill the correct form into my head. I don't think I have progressed as much as I want to in this Italian class. I don't speak as much and when I do, there are mistakes and I still fall back to English. Very unkind of me, but I do feel good when I see some of the classmates are struggling with speaking. There are one who speaks really well, perhaps better than me. Then there are those who are my level, but there are also those who don't speak as well. The youngest girl in class tends to answer questions in English and everyone seems to just accept it, which in a way I think I was often like that in my language class, but I thought she should have tried. This brings me to think of how nice the Italian teachers are. Mr. C will never let that fly. He's seriously quite a scary teacher despite of his soft spoken disposition. So anyway, that's Italian class. I think I'm half way into class and I think I have to try harder especially since I'm not continuing next term. I need to get better.
Last week I watched Ender's Game. I quite like the movie though I don't like how the story developed. If the adults in that world would like to use kids to fight battles, the least they can do is do some sort of brain washing to keep these children focused on the goal and not be sentimental on casualty and such. Don't they learn anything from North Korea or a cult or beliebers? So when Ender, at the end of the movie, got tormented and such, I thought it was such a let down. I guess for me it's okay and even necessary to be ruthless in times of war. If you have decided to go to war, you should go at it with the fervor that you're doing it for the well being of your kind. Anyway I do like Ender though it's for a weird reason, which is for some reason I cannot fully like him because I felt uneasy about his character. Him being not that fully lovable for me makes him more interesting and that's why I like him. I don't know if that makes any sense. The actor playing him is really good. He's in Hugo and this kinda makes me wanna watch Hugo again.
Christmas is coming, actually not really. There's still more than 1 month to go, but all the malls and decorations are making you feel like it's coming real soon. Every time I see all these malls, I actually feel a bit of disdain, thinking how shameless all this commercialism are. I'm such a grinch? Yesterday in one of the mall, I saw a tiny carrousel. I wasn't working yet, but it looked like it's ready. As I left they were testing all the so bright lights. I thought it was rather crazy. Imagine you're walking near it and suddenly bright pink purple lights flashed in your eyes. I kinda was bought by this commercial attempt though, thinking how I really do want to ride on a carrousel though I don't think I'll try this one since it's tiny even with the 2 levels. Yes, first time seeing a carrousel with 2 levels. For some reason I had this fond memory of riding a carrousel during night time and that memory pointed to Dufan in Jakarta. I'm not sure if it ever happened. Anyway, it also made me think of the 2 carousels I had seen before, the one in Piazza della Repubblica in Firenze and the one near the Eiffel Tower in Paris. I thought to myself why didn't you try it or at the very least go see it up close. What a shame! Anyway, I really really want to travel again.
One of the Lord of the Rings movies is on tv now and just now there was that dramatic scene when Frodo's friend was telling him not to let go lest he falls into the lava. That made me think of 2 things, the similar dramatic scene in Titanic of I won't let go ... and that very very sad scene in Lost when Sawyer was holding Juliet's hand in the well. I thought the Lost's scene was the best. It was really really REALLY sad and thinking about it can still make me feel how sad it was.
Well that's pretty much all I have to share right now. I feel I should write more but there's the laziness. Writing challenges my brain in a good way and it surely helps me in language learning. I'm just sorry that I don't have any interesting thing to say. Hope things are going gloriously in your life. Ciao!
:) eKa @ 9:14:00 PM • 0 comments
Friday, November 01, 2013
What! No Modern Family this week? I was counting for something to kinda cheer me up. It's been doom and gloom since last week. As if my daily life hasn't been soul-sucking enough, I had such terrible news last week that just got me spiraling down into the dark. I think the face I have now is the face of utter sadness that I often wore in the past. I think I have been sad a lot, since I don't know perhaps since 10 years ago. It's swinging from one sadness to another that I'm not really sure when I was ever truly happy. I guess there were moments when the heart is rather light, the moments when people commented that I look happier. Well, I think this is not the time. I think I look very very sad. I don't know, I did manage to make some jokes and smile and laugh at the things people said. All for courtesy perhaps, like by reflex, 'cause truth be told, when I am alone, when I'm looking out of the window from the bus, all I feel is of sadness and I think it would be visible in my face.It's like things are crashing over me one after another, like never ending waves. I even had a bad flu attack on Wednesday and that was really quite painful. However the thing that got me into quite a spiritual crisis is the news last week of something major that I have to deal with and yet I haven't been dealing with it. Chatted briefly to 2 people about it and they told me to get into action asap. Called mom to tell her about it and I finally cried because I really am so stressed out. She said to wait for awhile. I don't know what to do. I just want to stop, to cease to exist so that I don't have to deal with anything. There was once a dark time in my life where when I cried crazily, there's like another part of me who's telling me to pull it together and everything would be alright. I cannot feel her anymore. Like that part of myself doesn't exist anymore. I can't even console myself. I don't know if it's gonna be alright. Maybe it will. Like mom said, I've been through this and all went down well, so I should be able to get over this hurdle as well. I am a very capable person, so I should be able to weather through this. Maybe I can, but I just don't want to have to deal with this.
So begin, my questioning of WHY??!? Why God? Why do I have to go through this? WHY??!? I even wrote in my diary if this is a punishment and all that does was to make me more depressed. I often think and comfort myself by saying that the reason God gives you challenges is to prepare you for bigger things ahead. Wonderful things. This time around, I begin to think if all that is just bullshit. Perhaps there's no bigger wonderful thing in your horizon. There's no such thing as reaching the horizon anyway. The horizon just keeps on shifting because the world is not flat. So all this talk about challenges make you grow and whatever shit. What if your life is actually just meant to be ordinary. That your life is just full of shits and they do not have any meaning. They are not signs or steps to help you reach higher. What makes you think you're so special anyway? There are millions of people in this world who have more difficulty in their lives than you. They're born and they'll die in that misery, the only thing they know, without ever reaching or doing anything amazing in their life and that's just that. If their lives can be like that, what makes you think and feel God has to give you more for what challenges you face now? I begin to think this is it. This is the way my life would be and how not satisfying it is for me. Yes, I have done some pretty good things for myself, but to see myself having to live this existence years after years, I just cannot accept this.
Now this is the part, where all the self-help books authors will jump out and scream, "So this is the time when you have to change your life! Write your own destiny!". Shits like that. Whatevs. For as long as I have to be responsible for myself, which by extension not becoming a burden to my parents, whatever I do have to be done in a calculative manner. Yes, I am a burden for myself and and yes it's my responsibility to take care myself. I guess I do it the only way I know even when it hurts myself in the process. With this latest punch to my face, I just feel like I have enough. Life if this is a challenge from God, an experiment, a game, or whatever it is, I just don't want to play anymore. I feel like taking myself out of whatever thing this is. Why the hell do I have to deal with this? Why? Ah, as my heart screamed that why, I feel like I can burst into tears anytime now. I really really REALLY don't want to do this anymore. The meanest thing of all this is, this is something that I really don't have a choice in. I have to face it and deal with it. There's no running away from this. Unless that running away involves me finally packing up and going back home for good which means I am choosing to end my life here in Singapore. I think about it. If I have said it, then maybe it's a real sign it should happen. However what end will that mean? Even some of the people I talked to, asked me what kind of life I will have in Indonesia if I choose to go back for good. The only way one will know is to experience it. The prognosis however doesn't seem favorable.
Hello Fear is a song by Kirk Franklin which I stumbled into when in my tough days, I resorted to gospel songs. I am a very sinful person for only going to God in times of trouble. I pray more because my days are rough and I started filling my days with gospels songs. Those apparently didn't really help because God still decides to sucker punch me. It's a very nice song, Hello Fear. I suggest you youtube it. It's nice but I'm not all comforted since I'm pretty much in the grip of worry, fear, and all other negativity. I know throughout it all, God has never failed me yet. He's still here and helping me through every steps. I guess what I am lamenting about now is the fact that I have to deal with this in the first place. Why? Tell me why? This coupled with the fact that I feel like I cannot see the wonderful things in my future, it's all just making me so sad and so childish. Feeling that God is being unfair when I know that my life has been more wonderful than the lives of many other millions of people. When I think about how sinful I have been feeling, I feel even more depressed. So here comes the sad face. The face like I can just cry anytime anywhere and I really can, I assure you that. This time, I really don't feel like asking God to make everything alright. I'm asking God to just let it stop, to just take me out of this storm. I don't want to do this anymore. All this in my life, I don't want to do this anymore.
I feel like this has been the most honest writing about how I feel in a long long time, or ever. I'm such a tormented soul. Okay, let's end this post in am more factual tone. Watched The Butler last week. Didn't know Mariah Carey was in it and oh how different she looks without make up, reminded me how she looked in Precious. The Butler does have so many famous people in it. My draw to it was of course because of Oprah. It was really interesting to see all the different presidents. I was most amused to see Alan Rickman as President Reagan. It was weird, mostly because Alan Rickman has a very distinct voice and way of speaking so it was weird seeing him as President Reagan. By the way, I just love James Marsden, always have since I saw him in Second Noah. Anyway, he's very handsome as President Kennedy, although again I think he looked quite different from him. Overall I thought the film was very good and touching. I teared out a lot, but I am in a very emotional state of mind. After I reached my room, I googled about the movie and then I got really disappointed because many of the parts are fiction, even one of the major character in the movie is fiction and for me I felt like I kinda had been lied to and it's a sad thing that the fiction parts could mar an otherwise wonderful and heartwarming movie. Alright, gotta go guys. I start to have headache now. Buonanotte!
:) eKa @ 10:20:00 PM • 0 comments
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