Friday, November 01, 2013

Welcoming The Sad Face

What! No Modern Family this week? I was counting for something to kinda cheer me up. It's been doom and gloom since last week. As if my daily life hasn't been soul-sucking enough, I had such terrible news last week that just got me spiraling down into the dark. I think the face I have now is the face of utter sadness that I often wore in the past. I think I have been sad a lot, since I don't know perhaps since 10 years ago. It's swinging from one sadness to another that I'm not really sure when I was ever truly happy. I guess there were moments when the heart is rather light, the moments when people commented that I look happier. Well, I think this is not the time. I think I look very very sad. I don't know, I did manage to make some jokes and smile and laugh at the things people said. All for courtesy perhaps, like by reflex, 'cause truth be told, when I am alone, when I'm looking out of the window from the bus, all I feel is of sadness and I think it would be visible in my face.

It's like things are crashing over me one after another, like never ending waves. I even had a bad flu attack on Wednesday and that was really quite painful. However the thing that got me into quite a spiritual crisis is the news last week of something major that I have to deal with and yet I haven't been dealing with it. Chatted briefly to 2 people about it and they told me to get into action asap. Called mom to tell her about it and I finally cried because I really am so stressed out. She said to wait for awhile. I don't know what to do. I just want to stop, to cease to exist so that I don't have to deal with anything. There was once a dark time in my life where when I cried crazily, there's like another part of me who's telling me to pull it together and everything would be alright. I cannot feel her anymore. Like that part of myself doesn't exist anymore. I can't even console myself. I don't know if it's gonna be alright. Maybe it will. Like mom said, I've been through this and all went down well, so I should be able to get over this hurdle as well. I am a very capable person, so I should be able to weather through this. Maybe I can, but I just don't want to have to deal with this.

So begin, my questioning of WHY??!? Why God? Why do I have to go through this? WHY??!? I even wrote in my diary if this is a punishment and all that does was to make me more depressed. I often think and comfort myself by saying that the reason God gives you challenges is to prepare you for bigger things ahead. Wonderful things. This time around, I begin to think if all that is just bullshit. Perhaps there's no bigger wonderful thing in your horizon. There's no such thing as reaching the horizon anyway. The horizon just keeps on shifting because the world is not flat. So all this talk about challenges make you grow and whatever shit. What if your life is actually just meant to be ordinary. That your life is just full of shits and they do not have any meaning. They are not signs or steps to help you reach higher. What makes you think you're so special anyway? There are millions of people in this world who have more difficulty in their lives than you. They're born and they'll die in that misery, the only thing they know, without ever reaching or doing anything amazing in their life and that's just that. If their lives can be like that, what makes you think and feel God has to give you more for what challenges you face now? I begin to think this is it. This is the way my life would be and how not satisfying it is for me. Yes, I have done some pretty good things for myself, but to see myself having to live this existence years after years, I just cannot accept this.

Now this is the part, where all the self-help books authors will jump out and scream, "So this is the time when you have to change your life! Write your own destiny!". Shits like that. Whatevs. For as long as I have to be responsible for myself, which by extension not becoming a burden to my parents, whatever I do have to be done in a calculative manner. Yes, I am a burden for myself and and yes it's my responsibility to take care myself. I guess I do it the only way I know even when it hurts myself in the process. With this latest punch to my face, I just feel like I have enough. Life if this is a challenge from God, an experiment, a game, or whatever it is, I just don't want to play anymore. I feel like taking myself out of whatever thing this is. Why the hell do I have to deal with this? Why? Ah, as my heart screamed that why, I feel like I can burst into tears anytime now. I really really REALLY don't want to do this anymore. The meanest thing of all this is, this is something that I really don't have a choice in. I have to face it and deal with it. There's no running away from this. Unless that running away involves me finally packing up and going back home for good which means I am choosing to end my life here in Singapore. I think about it. If I have said it, then maybe it's a real sign it should happen. However what end will that mean? Even some of the people I talked to, asked me what kind of life I will have in Indonesia if I choose to go back for good. The only way one will know is to experience it. The prognosis however doesn't seem favorable.

Hello Fear is a song by Kirk Franklin which I stumbled into when in my tough days, I resorted to gospel songs. I am a very sinful person for only going to God in times of trouble. I pray more because my days are rough and I started filling my days with gospels songs. Those apparently didn't really help because God still decides to sucker punch me. It's a very nice song, Hello Fear. I suggest you youtube it. It's nice but I'm not all comforted since I'm pretty much in the grip of worry, fear, and all other negativity. I know throughout it all, God has never failed me yet. He's still here and helping me through every steps. I guess what I am lamenting about now is the fact that I have to deal with this in the first place. Why? Tell me why? This coupled with the fact that I feel like I cannot see the wonderful things in my future, it's all just making me so sad and so childish. Feeling that God is being unfair when I know that my life has been more wonderful than the lives of many other millions of people. When I think about how sinful I have been feeling, I feel even more depressed. So here comes the sad face. The face like I can just cry anytime anywhere and I really can, I assure you that. This time, I really don't feel like asking God to make everything alright. I'm asking God to just let it stop, to just take me out of this storm. I don't want to do this anymore. All this in my life, I don't want to do this anymore.

I feel like this has been the most honest writing about how I feel in a long long time, or ever. I'm such a tormented soul. Okay, let's end this post in am more factual tone. Watched The Butler last week. Didn't know Mariah Carey was in it and oh how different she looks without make up, reminded me how she looked in Precious. The Butler does have so many famous people in it. My draw to it was of course because of Oprah. It was really interesting to see all the different presidents. I was most amused to see Alan Rickman as President Reagan. It was weird, mostly because Alan Rickman has a very distinct voice and way of speaking so it was weird seeing him as President Reagan. By the way, I just love James Marsden, always have since I saw him in Second Noah. Anyway, he's very handsome as President Kennedy, although again I think he looked quite different from him. Overall I thought the film was very good and touching. I teared out a lot, but I am in a very emotional state of mind. After I reached my room, I googled about the movie and then I got really disappointed because many of the parts are fiction, even one of the major character in the movie is fiction and for me I felt like I kinda had been lied to and it's a sad thing that the fiction parts could mar an otherwise wonderful and heartwarming movie. Alright, gotta go guys. I start to have headache now. Buonanotte!

:) eKa @ 10:20:00 PM •