How are we this week?

Hello guys, so how have you all been doing? Since you can't answer me back unless you would want to write description of how your week went down in the comment section, let's just answer how I have been doing since the last I-hate-God post. I guess there's a false comfort going on. I mean some things still cause me to want to jab the pencil I was holding into my arms because I couldn't just throw things at the person I was in the phone with. Some things still get me anxious though perhaps there's slight improvement that someone noticed my anxiety and attempted to ease it. It was much appreciated. If only other things would fall into their places as I beg God to help me. Yes, after I kinda told God that I was hating all that's happening and think it's unfair, I proceeded to feel guilty and sinful about feeling that way and that was rough, and then I continued to my usual self of pleading that He'll help me out. I don't know how my relationship is with Him now. They say God is the all merciful and so He'll forgive me and such, but I can't help still feeling guilty sometime, I guess because I still pretty much have all this resentment inside.

As for the things that spurred me into going all hate mode last week, well I was told that it may or may not happen though the person who told me seems to want it to happen. If it happens, it may only happen after chinese new year. So she told me to just relax for the time being. I can't be relaxed about it or so I thought. I mean if you're telling me something bad for me is gonna happen in the future, I wouldn't be able to keep my cool. However, in the end, I did perhaps let it go. I'd like to attribute it to the fact that I really do have other things to watch, however I think I'm somewhat running away from the issue and this nonchalant attitude is so gonna bite me in the ass. For now though, I have to say that not having that much fear, not crying that much is kinda good. Though I begin to not being able to sleep more regularly now and as felt today I think I still look very very sad. It's kinda nice when I chatted with my cousin this week, she told me that things are harder for me because I'm alone. I know some people think it's no big deal having to do things on your own and basically save yourself from shitty situation, but seriously sometime it's really hard for me and I feel people don't really give me much credit about it. At least my cousin could understand that with no support system in my life here in Singapore, especially a family, things feel harder for me to deal with. I know people like mom is trying to help as much as she can and that's pretty much by offering money as soon as she learned of the situation. Something I don't need, but it's nice to know that there's always a bailout ready for me. She also keeps on telling me to be strong, but you know I don't want to have to be strong because I cannot accept that the shitty things should fall on me. However sometime you just can get away from it. No matter how much you try to prepare, no matter how much to you pray, shit really just happens. So this pretty much how my mental state is currently.

This morning was Italian class. I don't enjoy my Italian class much and I feel kinda bad saying that because the teacher Signorina S was very nice to me. I think it's because I have no friends there and I can't break into the existing groups, so I'm pretty much alone and that makes me not excited about coming to class :( I guess Sig.na S notices that and she tries to make sure I'm okay. I submitted a piece of writing today and though she said molto bene, I felt there are too many mistakes :( Mr. C has kinda screwed me up because he instilled in me that in french, you need the "de" as "to" when you write something like "it's easy to ..." ("c'est facile de ...) and I used that rule in my Italian homework, but it's not that way in Italian, no connector needed, so it's like "è facile ..." and this one mistake riddled my homework. I wonder if I knew that before learning french, I guess I did because that was the mistake I made in french which caused me to remember Mr. C trying to drill the correct form into my head. I don't think I have progressed as much as I want to in this Italian class. I don't speak as much and when I do, there are mistakes and I still fall back to English. Very unkind of me, but I do feel good when I see some of the classmates are struggling with speaking. There are one who speaks really well, perhaps better than me. Then there are those who are my level, but there are also those who don't speak as well. The youngest girl in class tends to answer questions in English and everyone seems to just accept it, which in a way I think I was often like that in my language class, but I thought she should have tried. This brings me to think of how nice the Italian teachers are. Mr. C will never let that fly. He's seriously quite a scary teacher despite of his soft spoken disposition. So anyway, that's Italian class. I think I'm half way into class and I think I have to try harder especially since I'm not continuing next term. I need to get better.

Last week I watched Ender's Game. I quite like the movie though I don't like how the story developed. If the adults in that world would like to use kids to fight battles, the least they can do is do some sort of brain washing to keep these children focused on the goal and not be sentimental on casualty and such. Don't they learn anything from North Korea or a cult or beliebers? So when Ender, at the end of the movie, got tormented and such, I thought it was such a let down. I guess for me it's okay and even necessary to be ruthless in times of war. If you have decided to go to war, you should go at it with the fervor that you're doing it for the well being of your kind. Anyway I do like Ender though it's for a weird reason, which is for some reason I cannot fully like him because I felt uneasy about his character. Him being not that fully lovable for me makes him more interesting and that's why I like him. I don't know if that makes any sense. The actor playing him is really good. He's in Hugo and this kinda makes me wanna watch Hugo again.

Christmas is coming, actually not really. There's still more than 1 month to go, but all the malls and decorations are making you feel like it's coming real soon. Every time I see all these malls, I actually feel a bit of disdain, thinking how shameless all this commercialism are. I'm such a grinch? Yesterday in one of the mall, I saw a tiny carrousel. I wasn't working yet, but it looked like it's ready. As I left they were testing all the so bright lights. I thought it was rather crazy. Imagine you're walking near it and suddenly bright pink purple lights flashed in your eyes. I kinda was bought by this commercial attempt though, thinking how I really do want to ride on a carrousel though I don't think I'll try this one since it's tiny even with the 2 levels. Yes, first time seeing a carrousel with 2 levels. For some reason I had this fond memory of riding a carrousel during night time and that memory pointed to Dufan in Jakarta. I'm not sure if it ever happened. Anyway, it also made me think of the 2 carousels I had seen before, the one in Piazza della Repubblica in Firenze and the one near the Eiffel Tower in Paris. I thought to myself why didn't you try it or at the very least go see it up close. What a shame! Anyway, I really really want to travel again.

One of the Lord of the Rings movies is on tv now and just now there was that dramatic scene when Frodo's friend was telling him not to let go lest he falls into the lava. That made me think of 2 things, the similar dramatic scene in Titanic of I won't let go ... and that very very sad scene in Lost when Sawyer was holding Juliet's hand in the well. I thought the Lost's scene was the best. It was really really REALLY sad and thinking about it can still make me feel how sad it was.

Well that's pretty much all I have to share right now. I feel I should write more but there's the laziness. Writing challenges my brain in a good way and it surely helps me in language learning. I'm just sorry that I don't have any interesting thing to say. Hope things are going gloriously in your life. Ciao!

:) eKa @ 9:14:00 PM •

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