Saturday, November 30, 2013

What May or May Not Happen

This week Oshie told me about something rather worrying that may or may not happen to his small family. The way he explained the unwanted bad problem as something that may or may not happen reminded me of the similar way I wrote about something bad that I totally do not want to see happening to me in the future. Another thing that came to mind was of the pep talk that Emilia (one of my besties) gave to us all when I was back home earlier this year. She said that as long as your problems are not money or health related, then there's no need to be so stressed out. It's like when you have both, the other issues can be removed, destroyed, or let go. That talk was comforting, but as usual just as my plane lands in Singapore, I would usually go back to my gloomy side. Anyway being reminded of that and in light of what Oshie may or may not have to face, I do have to admit that as grave as my problem seems to me, it's really not bad compared to real issues, like financial or health problem. Somehow I felt like I was being told to not complain so much (as I always do, complaining and being reminded to not be so whiny), but again the spoilt me would just want to stomp and say, no, no, NO, I don't want this!!! So anyway, my situation is still in the waiting period. When I tried to see whatever options available for this, I get really stressed out and so ignoring it is better for the heart, but perhaps not the best way to face this. As for Oshie, I haven't gotten the latest news, but I do hope it will not be a bad one.

Talking to Oshie, I somehow kept on saying that being 30 added urgency to the issue and he had to correct me that we're 31 and then I realized how seriously in denial I am. You see, I seriously think I'm 30. It's like not wanting to move on and accept that I am already over that number. Then this week as I lay in my bed and letting the thoughts just come and go (big mistake!), I got reminded what 2014 would mean. I would be 32 and then there's panic forming. It's the usual stuff of me living my life another year as it has been. A realization came that perhaps it will really be just like this, that nothing will change, that I would just have to accept this. I cannot do that. I cannot bear to live my life as it has been but then as usual I don't know what I should do if not this. If I am to be asked what I want, what would make me happy, the answer will be partly abstract and partly not up to me to make it happen. The abstract part, being abstract that it is, makes it feel like I'm in a middle of a thick fog, not being able to see whatever roads around me that I can take. I hate it when people say do this or that or figure out what you want to do. It seems they do not understand that I just cannot see all the options available. If I think about this fact of me getting older and older and having to do my life this way on and on, I seriously don't know if I can do it. Now, that's another honest depressing thought I am writing here.

So let's talk about other thing. 2 more Italian classes left. I don't think I have improved much. I don't talk much and so far I have only done 1 writing homework, which was short and bad as usual and shallow in content. I tried to be eager in the study, as shown by doing that homework when noone else did, but I don't think all my classes so far are enough to help me improve, especially in the writing part. I can understand things and the listening part is not a major problem, but to express myself or explain what I hear is difficult and not as rich if I do it in English and I believe things like this can only be improved by speaking more and writing more. For example this blog, writing these many entries do help me get my thoughts out in English, both in speaking and writing. The fact that I haven't written a lot these days do have its impacts in my ability to articulate what I want to say in English. The words don't come as easily and as coherently. So just like my Italian and French knowledge, I need to speak and write more and it's difficult to do it myself since grammatically I am not all there, so that's why I need teachers. I really do need to make the most of the last 2 classes left. Anyway, the reason I decided to write about Italian class was actually more to talk about how my memories failed me. The topic today is Italian cinema. The listening exercise today was about these 2 films which Sara asked if we have watched. All said no and then during the listening, I realized that I actually watched one of the film, La Finestra di Fronte. It's disconcerting that I didn't remember at all that I have watched it and how I have forgotten what the story was and only when I listened to the conversation exercise that I remembered some parts of it but not every details of the story. It's disconcerting how I totally forget about something like it never happens and I do know that I completely forget other things too like they never happen as well. For example when my parents came this year, they told me about things that happened during my mom's last visit and I totally have no recollection of that. Then during the train ride today, I began to analyze how I remember things these days and I do have to say, they're not as vivid as I normally remember things. Normally when I remember what someone said, I would remember the situation exactly, who stood where, what people were wearing, but now I don't seem to remember things that way anymore. I wonder if it could be that I have just been reluctant to participate actively in the situations (which by extension means my life) that I don't remember stuff in high details anymore. Either that or my brain is going weak and I would rather not believe it is, though there are signs showing it is going weak :(

So talking about movies, I watched The Hunger Games: Catching Fire last week. It was really really good. It's kinda refreshing watching a movie based on a book without having read the book. I wasn't critical about anything and the twist came to me as something really really good because I totally didn't see it coming, totally unexpected. I really like the movie and I'm pretty eager to watch the next one and re-watch the first one. One of the draw to watch this movie was knowing that one of the main dresses that Katniss wore was designed by an Indonesian designer named Tex Saverio, whose clothes were also used in America's Next Top Model cycle 20's Finale. That dress was used in the early promo pictures for the movie and it does look nice, but I was still quite surprised to see it as really white in the movie because in the promo picture, it didn't seem so. If there's anything I didn't like was the transparent straps that were visible in Katniss' shoulders in the movie. I am quite fussy, aren't I? I have to say that the costumes were great. It's always a delight to see what Effie would wear :) She's really interesting in this movie and surprisingly for me, the most touching moment in the movie came from her when she rallied the group one last time and said that they're a team :) I almost shed a tear. Now back to my memory topic, during the movie I kept on thinking who's the guy who played Finnick. He was quite good looking and I wondered if I have seen him in other movies. I tried to dig my brain, but I couldn't pin point anything. Then as the credit rolled, I saw a name which I don't even really remember now, but seeing that name I knew it's him and I knew where I had seen him. He was the clergy man / priest who fell in love with a mermaid in the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie. My brain is a weird one.

The news this evening is about the Thai protest. Coming from a country where political parties and politicians are putting themselves above the people and country, the situation in Thailand is kinda understandable for the Indonesian me. It sucks that the people are being manipulated to fight it out in demonstrations to push each other out. It will just be a game of brawns which will just damage the people and the country. Isn't election is all about avoiding all these clashes? I know it's hard to just sit down and wait your turn when you think that your cause is just, but all these protests which lead to violence, it's just not right. I hate all the threats made on the basis of feeling righteous and in Indonesia, I can point FPI as one of the most annoying thing in my wish list that I really want to see gone. Hmmm ... I try guys to write interesting things in an eloquent manner, but I think I'm failing. So I'm gonna stop now. I'm expecting a good week next week. I hope it will really be and I hope your days be great as well. Bonne nuit!

:) eKa @ 8:17:00 PM •