Sunday, April 03, 2005
I guess from the title, it is obvious that I'm going to write something depressing again. Not my fault...I mean things just happen. Where do I start? From the beginning. Hmm...Can I just first say that I finally bought a birthday present for myself. I bought the Linkin Park's book From the Inside last SaturdayMy Chinese birthday was actually last Monday (March 28, 2005). In following the tradition that my dad so eager to keep, I got myself a boiled egg and ate it. The aunties actually gave it for me for free. They even offered to peel it off for me. I felt so blessed that people can be so kind to me. However, life as people keep on telling me this week is somewhat hard and on times unfair. On that day, my chinese birthday, which was actually an auspicious day, unfortunate event actually happened to me. Someone said something to me that caused me to kinda fall apart. My last breakdown is less than a year ago. See...It's so sad that I couldn't keep a clean sheet for even a year. Yeah, I do sound like an addict or something like that. To fight addiction, addict needs to get professional help or at least a sponsor like the ones they have in AA meeting or something like that. 2 things that I didn't have. I didn't get any professional help to assess my mental state and help me to see things better and I also don't have anyone who is close enough to really watch over me. Yes, I do know that there are people who genuinely try their best to make me feel better, they are even still trying up until now. However that Monday, when it happened, there was noone. So I cried so madly. I cried to God, shouted for help. I just lost it. It was bad, seriously and I really couldn't take this kinda thing anymore. The tears couldn't seem to stop. I mean after half an hour + you would think that okay, it's done, but the tears kept on coming back. I called home because I needed to. I needed to talk to my mom. Dad was the one who answered the phone. Amazingly he didn't scold me when I told him the story. My dad! Who likes to demand quite a lot from me and show little appreciation. The fact that he didn't say it's my fault and told me not be discouraged instead really comforted me. I cried again of course on the phone. Then there's mom, who told me to be strong and be acceptance towards people who are like that. They made me feel better because then I felt that I'm not totally bad, like I did something right, and I'm not useless. Yeah, you may say that they are bias because they are my folks, but hey, I guess God was just trying to answer to my shouting in the toilet. Anyway, that night ended with quite a swollen eyes but for the first time I slept pretty well. I guess I'm just so tired that day. I still got awoken once in the night and still got awoken earlier than I supposed to, but I just felt somewhat fulfilled when I woke up. The next following days leading to today went quite bearable. Not that they went perfectly fine, but I managed to get through. Someone actually said that I always look happy. Yeah right! She didn't know that I'm such a disturbed girl. The body seemed to handle it differently though. I couldn't really eat much, I didn't even feel hungry sometime. I was having so much difficulty in finishing my breakfast every morning, felt like vomiting each time I swallowed. I actually feel like I'm getting skinnier
Anyway, since I'm pretty...Well let's just say I'm more towards deep sadness and fear rather than anger, I, of course, resolute to Linkin Park
There are just too many times that people have tried to look inside of me wondering what I think of you and I protect you out of courtesy. Too many times that I've held on when I needed to push away. Afraid to say what was on my mind. Afraid to say what I need to say. Too many things that you've said about me when I'm not around. You think having the upper hand means you've got to keep putting me down. But I've had too many stand-offs with you. It's about as much as I can stand. Just wait until the upper hand is mine.
So many people like me put so much trust in all your lies. So concerned with what you think to just say what we feel inside. So many people like me walk on eggshells all day long. All I know is that all I want is to feel like I'm not stepped on. There are so many things you say that make me feel like you've crossed the line. What goes up will surely fall and I'm counting down the time 'Cause I've had so many stand-offs with you. It's about as much as I can stand. So I'm waiting until the upper hand is mine
One minute you're on top. The next you're not. Watch it drop. Making your heart stop. Just before you hit the floor.
One minute you're on top. The next you're not. Missed your shot. Making your heart stop. You think you won.
And then it's all gone
I know I'll never trust a single thing you say. You knew your lies would divide us but you lied anyway. And all the lies have got you floating up above us all. But what goes up has got to fall!
:) eKa @ 12:47:00 AM • 0 comments
Thursday, March 24, 2005
WooHooHappy Easter, everyone
:) eKa @ 12:56:00 PM • 0 comments
Saturday, March 19, 2005
My first birthday present did come from Dagi. She gave me a lot of things. The most interesting things are the 2 mugs which are filled with haribo jelly and Mozart chocolate balls. I just love the chocolate ballsWas being told not to be so depressed and negative but today I received a news, which for me felt like a blow, a stab in the back. Other people actually see it as a way out for me. Maybe it is, I mean everything happens for a reason, right? God has a plan for me. I just need to believe that all of this is part of the clues to finding out my purpose here, part of the big puzzle of my life which is gonna be great and beautiful. Man! Honestly, I can't say it in full confidence. I can give you all the beautiful words but how much of it I believe, well...words are just words. Anyway, me, the one who is always looking for meanings in things and almost can actually make a poetic interpretation of things everywhere, think that it's like the weather these days, which is freaking hot. However if you look at the trees, their green leaves are glistening in the sun and flowers are appearing everywhere. Just look at the bougainvilleas on the bridges and the flowering trees, there are lots and lots of flowers everywhere. So beautiful and comforting because I feel it's like one way of God telling us even in such a situation in which you think things are bad, you can actually see beautiful things in it, if you just know where to look, if you just wait long enough for the beautiful things to show themselves.
Hmm...wasn't sure what to put for the title. Getting Dumped came to mind, but I decided to settle with the current title because that's it. That's what I'm so lacking of here. That's why I need to make that phone call all the way home. Just talked to my mom and it's just different. People can say the same thing and yet the feeling you get afterwards is different. I want that support system. I'm getting too tired. Damn too tired mentally *sigH* A great week just ended up in a miserable tone *sigH*
:) eKa @ 11:28:00 PM • 0 comments
Monday, March 14, 2005
Michael Jordan 23. For me, that's 23. Michael Jordan has immortalized number 23. So if I think of the number 23, I will think of him, the great oneAnyway, last night, when I was lying in my bed, I suddenly realized that in a few minutes I was going to be 23. It just hit me. I haven't thought about it. Okay yeah actually I had thought about it, but the funny thing was as the day was approaching me, I just kinda wasn't aware of it. This is despite of my first birthday present actually came last Saturday. I think it's from Dagi, I wasn't there when the postman came, so I have to take it from the post office on Wednesday. Why Wednesday? Because it's the only day of the week the post office open until 8 pm. Anyway, of course the realization of me being 23 came to me when I woke up this morning, after being reminded of it before I went to sleep last night. Also, because of the sms that finally reached my phone after I switched it on. Darren was the first one
Anyway, received birthday wishes from several people. Except from the girls (by the way where is Emilia?), I didn't expect the rest to notice, but they did. 2 of them ... well, let's just say, that it would have meant a whole lot deal if they had wished me last year instead of this year, but what can I say? I say "Thank You"
:) eKa @ 5:19:00 PM • 0 comments
Thursday, March 10, 2005
From the title, that is actually what I want to write about, but right now I am in deep anger and sadness that I just can't really put myself together. Hmm...I suddenly feel eerie with the unusual thing that I saw early this morning.Okay, first thing first. I watched Hitch yesterday. I wanted to watch the movie because of Will Smith. Just love him. He's one cool guy. The movie is actually not bad. There were times when I feel that some of the lines are quite cheesy. I couldn't believe that they actually said that. So was it funny? Yeah, slightly. Don't think that they actually banking on the comedy to sell the movie, but yep there were some funny moments. Will Smith is smooth and of course so believable as someone who can win you dates. The other characters...well they are pretty okay too I guess. Not much of a moral value or anything that I get from watching this movie. It was just an okay movie.
Then the other thing. Today was the second day of the week that I really feel like crying in a place that I should not. I just couldn't believe that people can do that. I feel no one understand and ... and it's not the point actually. Having people understand what we are going through doesn't really help, well at least not for me. I want nothing else than to just leave the shit behind but it's not happening. Not yet as people would argue and my God-believing self would argue *sigH* What I really want and what I always want is not to feel or to be gone *sigH*
Okay those were written yesterday (Wednesday, 09/03/05) but just didn't manage to post it yesterday.
Today...well...found out that Arsenal lost *sigH* No comment about that. Barcelona lost to Chelsea yesterday, that was totally sad. But at least Juventus is through, so I'm switching ship
:) eKa @ 8:59:00 AM • 0 comments
Saturday, March 05, 2005
Because of the above-mentioned things, I actually think the movie has a good theme. Keanu was ... typical Keanu? Well he is just good in playing a cool guy with some mysterious air about him. He also, as proven in the Matrix, looks good in suits
Okay, on other news. Vivy gave me a news which kinda shocked me a lot, but she looked pretty calm in delivering the news. I guess she was pretty determined. Talked to mas Boon Kiat a little this morning. Wah, he could really carry a conversation in Indonesian. I kinda feel proud about it
:) eKa @ 11:28:00 AM • 0 comments
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Been hearing Christian Bautista this week. First heard of him when I was at home last December. Saw trailer of Christian Bautista's Acoustic Special on MTV. Was pretty amazed and I thought he was Indonesian, but he's a Filipino. Was thinking of buying his album last December but then seeing his pretty face in the cover kinda made me doubtful because that would mean I'm getting it because he's a pretty boy (which is actually pretty much true). Saw him again on MTV during my Chinese new year holiday and since I couldn't really shake him out of my head (tried to download his song after I got back from my December holiday), I decided let's just get the album. The album is so typical pretty boy. Average songs sung by good average voice. The songs are heavy on the piano, but the piano parts are not as complicated and amazing as the ones from Alicia Keys or Vanessa Carlton, plus he doesn't play the piano himself. He also doesn't write his own songs. All and all, sometime I guess we just need something light and nothing complicated and this pretty boy with his pretty love songs do can make you smile, because you know you're just waiting for some pretty boy to say something like this to you:I don't want to see you cry again
...
I only want to see you standing proud
Tell me where it hurts and I will ease your pain
:) eKa @ 8:06:00 PM • 0 comments
Monday, February 14, 2005
I am remembering the conversation that I had with my mom before going back here (Yes...I am back...Somehow I hate the word back there, should I say...I have arrived?). The conversation was about Valentine...which is today....Happy birthday to dear cousin. The conversation was about how suddenly the heart-shaped-chocolate mould sells pretty well in the market these days. So mom was asking, who give what and all. Roses must be selling pretty well today. Anyway, me who also think this "event" is pretty much about the people trying to make money rather than the love itself also share my mom's sentiment which feels that this is pretty much a waste of money. It's one thing if you are earning your own money but consider those who are in schools who are dependent on their parents' money, who are spending so much moneys for someone who most probably is not "the one". Wait! It's not because I'm so single (which is pretty much by choice actually) that I am saying this, but I guess a lot of things these days are about the money rather than the spirit itself, Christmas is the best example. Okay...maybe what I wrote is of no importance. The important thing is I miss my mom so much. I don't want to be here. This is seriously food for thought. I really have to think about this seriously. Hua....Was reading a few of my last posts...Man! I don't know how I'm gonna get through my days.This is about Home.
1. Do not like Lufthansa. Really wish that I don't have to use that airline anymore. Arrived home on Saturday (Feb 5) safely. Then became a paparazzi for a short minute (until my mom scolded me). Yes just a few minutes touching Jakarta, my mom had scolded me which was actually truly my mistake. I was careless. If only I had been more aware, mom would have been more supportive of my paparazzi-ness. Okay, the one that I saw in the airport was actually Peterpan (who happen to be the biggest band in Indonesia right now). I didn't know it was them 'cause I actually couldn't see a thing. Asked a "mbak-mbak" who was the reporters chasing, she answered "Ariel" (sounded like Aril) whom I didn't understand initially. Only when she said Peterpan, I understood truly. So they just came back from MTV Asia Award 2005 (MTV Asia Aid) in Bangkok, winning the Best Indonesian Band award but all these reporters were only interested and asking about Ariel's sudden marriage (he made the girl 5-month pregnant) and this news were all over TV until Wednesday (I seriously doubt that Indonesian give a damn about this marriage). Their win in the MTV thing was only reported a bit, which as I recall was only been told by 1 TV station. I seriously think all these infotainment reporters in Indonesia are pretty much out of line. I can not believe that people actually can be that interested in these people lives that they need to show it over and over again and to the silliest detail. With 10 TV stations, I think you can get a dose of around 5 hours of infotainment (gossip) shows everyday (the TV stations feel that they need to have at least 1 gossip show every day). With only a few gossips on some days, the same news can last the whole week. Man! People can actually memorize every single word the celebrity said in the interview.
2. Had a day out with mom. Talked to my auntie...Nothing interesting. Did the praying on Chinese New Year eve. The family is now having 4 sets of everything. There are 4 chickens, 4 sets of seafood, 4 sets of pork meat. If each of us can be said to be in charge of finishing that 1 whole chicken and friends, Man! That is crazy. So now I had left and so had my bro and so left my poor 2 parents who have to deal with this fattening food and there will be more next year.
3. The Chinese New Year days were fun. Met people whom I have never met for a long long time. Things have changed a lot. Kids are getting bigger than me. The next-door neighbours kids whom I played with when they were toddler are growing and (I seriously think) will be taller than me. The most interesting one is Kevin's younger bro whose name is Keanu
4. I got AngPaos for Chinese new year
5. Met my mom's older sis and her very young granddaughters, cute kids. Just realize that things are so expensive in Indonesia now. The playgroup fee for one of them is nearly as much as my high school fee (when I was in high school, around 6 years ago) and she only gets to go to the playgroup about twice a week and that is not even in Jakarta. That's just crazy. My cousin's school fee (in a private school) for a month is more that half a million rupiah. I am flabbergasted. With an average income, I don't know how parents survive. You really have to start saving since the kids are young so that you can afford their education and pray to God that they have reasonable lifestyle (imagine funding entertainment money: handphone, movies, trip to the mall, etc) and kids these days need entertainment money. Nuts!
6. Met with the girls for dinner on the same place, Eaton. Man! The girls really have bullied all the waiters there
7. I can't say much about home. It rained a lot on the last few days I was there. It was nice. The food is nice, so nice not having to think about what to eat that day. It was a week and the days seemed to be going slowly and I kinda like it. It gave much satisfaction about going home. Global TV with less MTV sucks! But MTV Indonesia itself is getting less fun now. Had tears when I left for Singapore, which reminded me of how when I was young I used to stay over at my aunt and uncle's house (they didn't have any kids then). On the early visits, I wouldn't cry and would enjoy myself truly. Then as we did it more often, I started to cry there. That's when I stopped staying over at their house. Maybe it's the same thing now, maybe it's time to stop staying over at other people's country. My mom said that I sounded like a kid. As much as I hate to admit it, I think she is so true.
8. Maybe God was trying to talk to me last night. So in the plane, there were only 3 seats in my row. I took the window seat, then there was a guy who looked so much younger than me next to me, and next to him there was this lady who was coughing quite a lot. None of us stroke a conversation. Until the plane landed this guy stroke a conversation with the lady. I wasn't part of the conversation but I heard their conversation. From what I heard the guy is my age and he had to have operation every 2 or 3 months because of the tumor in his eyes (this have been going on for 4 years). He used to study or perhaps stayed in Delaware, USA, but because of his sickness he moved back to Jakarta. He had an exciting life ahead of him and yet all crumble because of this. Still, he seemed like a nice guy. He looked so young. So the moral of the story is as what my mom said: It's okay to be poor, as long as you have your health. Really, that's the moral of the story and also for my case, I think I should just stop whining, I am so fine and I should be damn happy about it.
9. Received an sms from Rista when I landed. Should have called her when I was in Indonesia. Man! That girl is damn tough. She has got a job for Freeport and the amazing thing is she has to go all the way there to Papua (the province formerly known as Irian Jaya). Man! I don't think I can do it but she will do it. I am so amazed by her. She's tough!!!
Alrighty, that's about it folks. I miss my mom so much. I think she loves her dad so much *sigH* I am so lost in my life.
:) eKa @ 4:32:00 PM • 0 comments
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Disappear from the Face of Earth
What constitutes the earth? What defines it? Is it the whole round thing, the land + the sea? Is it only it? How about the atmosphere? The clouds? Are they part of the Earth? In one of the meaningless conversations over lunch this week I was telling this people that I will be gone. One person said: Gone would mean you disappear from the face of the earth. I said: Yeah, I would not be on earth, I would be in the sky up there (in a plane). That doesn't count as being gone from the face of the Earth, does it? I wish it could, but maybe one day when I can get to travel to the outer space. Maybe then, I can claim that I disappear from the face of the Earth.I am...Will be gone from this city for a week, which is actually a very short time, only 100+ hours. Will be going home again for Chinese New Year. I am so excited, but because of the stupid things which have been happening since I came back last time, I kinda don't have much energy to show that I'm thrilled about going home. I am. I really am. 4 years not spending Chinese New Year with the family itself makes this trip so highly anticipated by many. Not just me, but also my family. I know that things are not the same anymore. It's not the Chinese New Year the way I remembered it when I was growing up. There are certain people that I don't get to see anymore but still there are some that I do get to see. Let's just be happy with that. Be happy that we can still celebrate it with the family event though its shrinking. So I'm hyped, I'm so looking forward to this and how I wish I don't have to come back here again.
When I came back to Singapore earlier this year, everything become bearable because I know within 1 month time I will be back home. But after next week, when I come back here again, there's no sight of home in the near future. I can see me being more depressed than I am now. Irony...There are people who are nice to me but at the same I'm facing all these things that I could not stand anymore. It's just...I feel torn, dillemmatic...and maybe it boils down to being afraid to just walk out.
*sigH* Let's not think of it anymore. I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna talk to people who gonna make feel at ease. Then I can see things clearly and be strong in whatever it is that God wants me to face. On another sad note. I did something really bad. I think it's because of my carelessness. Hopefully it can still be saved, otherwise I'll be too embarrassed to face someone.
Okay...Take care people. Happy Chinese New Year
:) eKa @ 2:00:00 PM • 0 comments
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Went to watch Finding Neverland yesterday, but sadly was a bit late for it. Anyway, I love the movie. I love Johnny Depp. I like the way the story picture his character. It must be so magical if you can see things in a different way, everything it's like an adventure. I also love the cinematography. The colour is vivid and I love that. Johnny Depp did a good job but not actually amazingly great, I guess it's also because his character doesn't have much depth. So compared to Leonardo in the Aviator, I still think Leo is much better. One person that captivated me more is the boy who played Peter, who inspired the Peterpan character. My goodness, this soft-spoken skiny small boy with a very big green eyes, you just want to hug him, especially since he has the most emotional part in the movie. He's awesome.Okay, need to go, by the way last Saturday I also managed to go to Kinokuniya and managed to read Coelho's Warrior of the Light a bit. Good book and I can kinda relate to it. Okay, really need to go, take care you all.
Just a bit of silliness, really.
:) eKa @ 3:22:00 PM • 0 comments
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