Friday, May 02, 2008

If The Thunder Could Have Struck

The last time I wrote, I said I was losing my mojo. Apparently it was just not the mojo which left me. I got sick quite badly last week. Exactly a week ago actually and the realization of that made me feel that this week really flies fast. Last Friday I was already feeling a bit bad when I woke up, felt cough was coming and the chest felt like it's being squeezed. However I went through with the day, I think because the people at home kinda inspired me to do so. Dewi said before that she would normally still storm her day even though she had a runny nose or a headache. I know my mom would do the same. So thinking of those people, I decided to go through with my day thinking that I wasn't really in a bad shape. However somehow around 3 pm, I really didn't feel good, it's more like sensing it rather than feeling it literally, so I decided to go home.

Reached my room, took a nap, in about 1 hour, I got fever. Panadol took care of it and I was thinking if I could go through my Saturday or at least meet Emilia who was here last weekend. Got to sleep Friday night only to be woken up at 1 am with high temperature. Another panadol went in. Woke up, lied in my bed and I thought I should stay in and see the doctor. Her diagnosis was the usual flu symptoms. She thought my throat was bad though I wasn't feeling much sore throat yet at that time. Got my usual antibiotics, so I thought I was all good. Another high temperature Saturday night but when I woke up on Sunday, I was okay. However Sunday evening I had another fever. I just felt rather annoyed and worried at this point in time because the fever was on and off and only happened from the afternoon onwards.

Got the permission from mom to stay in on Monday. I felt really awful so I went to see the doc again. She said my throat was still really bad so more antibiotics and perhaps she felt rather guilty and sorry for me so she gave me MC for 2 days without me asking for it. She said I should really rest. She was so right. I was more emotional and mentally unstable that Monday that after the doctor when I got back to my room, I actually cried rather furiously. I just felt so alone. Miss my mom so much. Miss my aunt who would have been given the task to take care of me if I had been home. I felt rather angry and sad of having to deal with this on my own. So I cried and cried and cried and perhaps the release was necessary. My condition was rather improving after that.

Don't get me wrong. I've been sick here. A quick look in the journal showed that I had been sick 3 times this year, which makes it an average of once a month (kinda really worrying for me, why am I so weak?). Being sick badly and being in a vulnerable state just freaked me out. I've been sick but I've always been able to take care of myself despite of it. The weekend made me worried and all the different scenarios played in my head and I was thinking how I could get through if the worst happened. Thankfully of course, God takes care of me, and so nothing bad happened. It's all good now.

Anyways, I have to talk about the title. The title is in reference to something that me and il Gatto talked about one day. The thunder that could move us and make us leave. So when I was sobbing madly, I was thinking that was it. If the thunder could have struck, that would have been the moment. Of course it was a false alarm. However it does seem rather clear for me. One thing for sure, if I am destined to be single, I would rather be single at home than be here in Singapore alone. So I guess it will just be a matter of time now, when I decide that the loneliness is enough and too much for me to bear. I just got reminded, whatever it is I will have to be here in June. Decided to take CELI 3. It's such a risk, but I'm thinking I may be able to prepare myself well in 1 month. Decided to take it after talking to Osh. He said we should go for what we want instead of what we can. I'm not sure if that's a good path to follow, but I do kinda want this (I don't know why) so I'm going for it and I hope I will get lucky again. Okay peeps, take care okay. Stay healthy!

:) eKa @ 7:38:00 PM •