Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Episode 2

Hhmm...I'm trying to be somewhat diplomatically correct in choosing the title and writing this post. Simply because people actually read this and ... well ... I don't know what people might think and feel after reading this Sounds so serious! Anyway, writing about this is like opening a huge part of me That last sentence is so funny, because I have shouted this thing that I'm going to write to at least 2 people So, episode 2 [this only means something to certain people, for those who don't understand just try to figure out, you will know what I'm talking about], yeah, kinda a bummer for me, though I was laughing initially. I would like to say to all the people who doubted my senses, read the last 3 sentences of this. But you know, no regret because as told here, this was actually healthy for me and as written in the last paragraph of this, maybe God wants it to be just like that, to make me happy in times of trouble. I was happy then and even now I can still see it as funny and that is good and as Ayu has pointed out the ending could be worse So it's all good, baby

Would like to say thanks to the 2 married guys + wives + baby for all the silliness that they put me into. You people are nuts (me included)!!! I have to admit it was fun. Too bad no more things to stir our emotion as much as this Must say thank you also for their "sincere" concern for me to get that little bit of happiness for me, though I partly still think they might just want drama on my expense Anyway, the drama only last 2 episodes, but I guess it's all resolved now. It is really ending a certain period in my life

Hhmm....might be meeting some nice people tomorrow. I'm kinda so touched and overwhelmed with their kindness. I don't understand why they are being that nice, they don't have to. I guess, it's just God telling me that He is looking after me. Okay, bubye for now. Take care you all!!!

:) eKa @ 2:14:00 PM • 0 comments

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

~ Il Postino ~ Mi Mancherai

Finally, watched Il Postino yesterday in Arts Central after talking so much about it, about the song, about Pablo Neruda. I even didn't watch CSI because of it, but I did catch a glimpse of Greg Actually I have to admit that I felt sleepy watching it, but I guess it was because I was tired. So what is my take on the movie? Well, this movie makes me fall for Neruda and I am still so interested with his works. Don't really like the main character, the postman. He made me realize that I like guys with more brain, stronger character and confidence in themselves. I'm not sure who the postman loved more, Neruda or his wife. In the end I sympathized his wife so much. But, his last gift to Neruda kinda redeemed himself. It was so sweet and beautiful. The way it answered what's the best thing about his home was just beautiful. It's poetic. Knowing that Massimo Troisi spent his last days working on this movie kinda enhanced the beauty of this movie for me. It's really about feeling it and believing and doing and expressing them all. What am I talking about? Anyway, I love the movie. Romantic, sweet, and poetic. Can't wait for my free time to read more on Neruda's work. By the way Neruda once spent time in places like Java, amazing! Why is it amazing? Well it's because he once roamed the same places that I roam now.

On other news. Had a small but very interesting and kinda enlightening talk about Christianity this morning. But the highlight of the day was a very touching phone call I received this morning. Maybe not that touching, but I was just being too sensitive. It's even more comforting when a friend said that I actually have fans Yeah, I am so vain. But really, it just kinda proves that I did something right. Okay this next one is of no importance, but I got to know this guy who sounds like Darren, talks and laughs like Darren and this guy makes me miss Darren. Oh yeah, yesterday was my best buddies' birthdays, Dewi and Emilia and I actually forgot about it. I remembered it only in the evening. Poor Dewi was waiting for my sms, thinking how could I forget In her words, thank God I wasn't that late. I actually sent something to the girls but Dewi said she hadn't received it. Now I start to think if I put the correct address. I really do hope that they will eventually get it. 23 and 24, Gosh! We are old.

:) eKa @ 9:24:00 PM • 0 comments

Saturday, April 16, 2005

World Peace

Okay...think of a movie, what movie will pop to your head when you hear the phrase "World Peace"? I went to watch Miss Congeniality 2 with Vivy today. Wasn't planned. Wasn't that interested actually to watch that movie, but I thought I just needed to release certain tension and basically being plain crazy and follow whatever things that came in mind. So we had quite an expensive lunch but I felt happy about it and then we went to watch the movie. I actually really enjoyed the movie. It was funny, so much better than Hitch. I like Sandra Bullock. Her character was so not perfect but she's just an interesting girl. Anyway, I actually don't really know what to write. So sleepy and kinda tired. I finally got Les Choristes from Vivy. I'm so glad that I managed to get this movie, but I don't know when I will watch it. Don't really have the time. I also have 4 episodes of Friends season 10 that I haven't watched. Hhmm...feeling guilty to the person who gave it to me.

Champions league went sad. I think I'm jinx-ing the teams that I support. Actually I started wondering about this last year. The good part is, Arsenal is number 2 in English Premiere League. Below Chelsea, yeah that's sad but I'm just so happy that they are number 2, above other teams!

I guess it was 2 weeks ago Vivy told me that living happily ever after is on a day to day basis. I have heard of this before and it is so true. Not happy, but (was) at peace, and even that doesn't come every day, doesn't even stay sometime for some hours *sigH*

Current heart situation: stirred and shaken.

:) eKa @ 11:52:00 PM • 0 comments

Monday, April 11, 2005

I'm At Peace

Surprise with the title? Yeah, this one is actually going to be quite positive. I need to thank God. I am at peace. It feels really good. I don't know why I could have this peace inside of me this morning. A guy who was so obsessed with hand phones told me this morning with his silly smile that it is good to have peace within you. I know. I know. I don't know how, I can't think of anything but God. I really need to thank Him. Maybe it is also the power of prayers. I know my parent, especially my mom may be praying so hard for my well-being. Who knows maybe other people pray for me too. So thank you, Thank You God. It feels so good. Hhmm...I can't tell much about what happened today, I think I also need to remove an entry in my shoutbox 'cause as you can see as much as this blog can be quite personal, I still hide some of the facts of my life because I am still an introvert by nature. I am off the Linkin Park therapy. I can hear other thing now, listened to John Mayer this afternoon. I think he's the real voice of 20 something people. Anyway this one was made by me. I kinda forget when I made it, if it was before or after a devastating incident, however the wait had passed.

tired once again
sleepy once again

empty
I was hoping for it
but now it comes with a suspense.

Looking at the clock
as if the seconds or minutes will deliver me out of this anxious wait
It will eventually
but not as soon as I want it to

but so is everything else, right

I'm not good at making poems. I wish I can hide the meaning in much better words or sentences but I just can't. Things just come pretty straight forward everytime I want to write things. Anyway, I feel I need to put real poem here to compensate my bad poem. Really into Pablo Neruda now, I don't know why, I'm pretty drawn to his works everytime I go to Kinokuniya or Borders. However, since we are in the topic of Edgar Allan Poe, I think I should put one of his works (though having difficulty in grasping the meaning but this one felt somewhat a bit fit), in respect to the people who I will somewhat miss

To One Departed

Seraph! thy memory is to me
Like some enchanted far-off isle
In some tumultuous sea
Some ocean vexed as it may be
With storms; but where, meanwhile,
Serenest skies continually
Just o'er that one bright island smile.

For 'mid the earnest cares and woes
That crowd around my earthly path,
(Sad path, alas, where grows not even one lonely rose!)
My soul at least a solace hath
In dreams of thee; and therein knows
An Eden of bland repose.

:) eKa @ 9:05:00 PM • 0 comments

Sunday, April 10, 2005

oF Codes and Symbols...and Signs (?)

I have finished reading The Da Vinci Code. Some time ago, a friend's nickname was somewhat filled with criticism about this book. He didn't write the title of the book. Of course me, being smart...okay sharp was able to guess that he was referring to The Da Vinci Code. When I first started reading it, I found the book to be very interesting, you just couldn't stop because each chapter left you hanging when you finished it, you just wanted to move on to know what happened. The book actually kinda gave me the creep. Why? People would ask. Well, imagining a murdered man, a murdered nun, a tall albino with red eyes, and a dark environment just freaked me out. The story was kinda interesting because most of it took place in a matter of hours. Of course, the controversial part of Jesus got married with Mary Magdalene was interesting too. I have to admit something was kinda shifting inside my head when I got to that revelation but in the end I still believe in Christ. I guess the book failed to change me, not that the book was meant to do that. I guess, for me, the book only suggested the possibility of Jesus getting married with Mary. It never suggested that Jesus is not the son of God, born of the Virgin Mary, was raised from the death on the 3^rd day, and was raised to Heaven. I know all the things stated as facts in the book should make us argue all the things above, but for me, it is precisely that Jesus was a man, a common man, that makes somewhat the foundation of my faith in Christianity (if such ever exist) The thing is, Jesus was a man, a normal man, who I believe had the same fear as other. Yet, he was willing to die on the cross, knowing all the suffering that He had to face. That's huge. I believe in God. I need to 'cause I need Him. I can't go through my days knowing that He's not around to help me through. Back to the book. I like to say that Harry Potter is much better because my guesses for what happen next in Harry Potter is always wrong. But for Da Vinci code, man! I figured out the number to use to open the vault in the Swiss Bank. I could read the clue in the first cryptex and I'm not even a Harvard symbologist and also I managed to identify the bad guys. The little twist in the end kinda brought back the excitement of the book, but I guess in the end I just find the book not as much amusing and interesting as Harry Potter I guess, I just like Harry Potter too damn much

OsH thought I had a boyfriend because of my msn nickname No, I don't and not any time soon either (I don't think I'll be that lucky) He was so sweet when he said that he didn't want to see me be jomblo. Nice guy, I really like OsH. Hmmm...just finished watching Chocolat. I couldn't help laughing reading the cast at the beginning of the movie. It might be nothing, pure coincidence, but I like to think that God just wants to laugh with me Yeah, like God has so much free time to joke around with me. But I guess, God is the almighty, know it all, can do all, and He just wants to have some fun with me. Gosh! I love Johnny Depp Okay, need to sleep. Song of this weekend: Lazyboy - Facts of Life. Found it courtesy of Loucee

:) eKa @ 12:43:00 AM • 0 comments

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

SpangLish

I went to watch Spanglish yesterday despite of being tired and despite knowing that I would be more tired when I went home. But I needed the entertainment. I know that the movie will be more of a drama rather than a comedy despite of Adam Sandler being there. It turns out the story was quite interesting. The ending was somewhat open but I guess that's just what happens in situation like that. Was it funny? Hmm...There was an amusing part when Flor (the Spanish woman) wanted to scold Adam Sandler and she had to use her daughter as the translator. Adam Sandler's wife was kinda a freak but when I saw her crying so much towards the end of the movie, I kinda could relate to her and had sympathy on her. Only huge things can make you cry like crazy and at times like that, you need comfort more than anything else. Adam Sandler is actually not bad in this movie, so believable as a good dad and person. I think that's how he is in real life actually. The story is I guess about people, about wanting to do the best for people we love, and the basic of all, about wanting to be happy, don't we all by the way?

How are you doing Eka? I am doing alright, I guess. HaH! No I'm not actually but we must pretend, right? Maybe by pretending to be alright, we will eventually be alright. Trying to hang in there. Some minutes ago, a realization came to me, of being okay about not seeing my crush again, HaHa It's okay. I think he has done his purpose of making me smile. I will be alright. Even if I'm not, a day will change to another and guess what, I think I would still be around the next day

:) eKa @ 11:06:00 AM • 0 comments

Sunday, April 03, 2005

I'm Broken

I guess from the title, it is obvious that I'm going to write something depressing again. Not my fault...I mean things just happen. Where do I start? From the beginning. Hmm...Can I just first say that I finally bought a birthday present for myself. I bought the Linkin Park's book From the Inside last Saturday It was kinda expensive, well S$ 43+ for a book on a band which...well...okay, I did hesitate if I should get the book. But I was kinda so sad last last Saturday (having totally lost my long-awaited long weekend doing stupid things for other people who didn't seem to appreciate it much) that I just felt I needed to reward and comfort myself. Hence, why I bought the book. It's okay, I'm pretty satisfied about it.

My Chinese birthday was actually last Monday (March 28, 2005). In following the tradition that my dad so eager to keep, I got myself a boiled egg and ate it. The aunties actually gave it for me for free. They even offered to peel it off for me. I felt so blessed that people can be so kind to me. However, life as people keep on telling me this week is somewhat hard and on times unfair. On that day, my chinese birthday, which was actually an auspicious day, unfortunate event actually happened to me. Someone said something to me that caused me to kinda fall apart. My last breakdown is less than a year ago. See...It's so sad that I couldn't keep a clean sheet for even a year. Yeah, I do sound like an addict or something like that. To fight addiction, addict needs to get professional help or at least a sponsor like the ones they have in AA meeting or something like that. 2 things that I didn't have. I didn't get any professional help to assess my mental state and help me to see things better and I also don't have anyone who is close enough to really watch over me. Yes, I do know that there are people who genuinely try their best to make me feel better, they are even still trying up until now. However that Monday, when it happened, there was noone. So I cried so madly. I cried to God, shouted for help. I just lost it. It was bad, seriously and I really couldn't take this kinda thing anymore. The tears couldn't seem to stop. I mean after half an hour + you would think that okay, it's done, but the tears kept on coming back. I called home because I needed to. I needed to talk to my mom. Dad was the one who answered the phone. Amazingly he didn't scold me when I told him the story. My dad! Who likes to demand quite a lot from me and show little appreciation. The fact that he didn't say it's my fault and told me not be discouraged instead really comforted me. I cried again of course on the phone. Then there's mom, who told me to be strong and be acceptance towards people who are like that. They made me feel better because then I felt that I'm not totally bad, like I did something right, and I'm not useless. Yeah, you may say that they are bias because they are my folks, but hey, I guess God was just trying to answer to my shouting in the toilet. Anyway, that night ended with quite a swollen eyes but for the first time I slept pretty well. I guess I'm just so tired that day. I still got awoken once in the night and still got awoken earlier than I supposed to, but I just felt somewhat fulfilled when I woke up. The next following days leading to today went quite bearable. Not that they went perfectly fine, but I managed to get through. Someone actually said that I always look happy. Yeah right! She didn't know that I'm such a disturbed girl. The body seemed to handle it differently though. I couldn't really eat much, I didn't even feel hungry sometime. I was having so much difficulty in finishing my breakfast every morning, felt like vomiting each time I swallowed. I actually feel like I'm getting skinnier

Anyway, since I'm pretty...Well let's just say I'm more towards deep sadness and fear rather than anger, I, of course, resolute to Linkin Park Well! I need to be so much more conscious in this difficult time. People do piss me off. I mean I feel like I am being stabbed in the back. I don't think that people can be like that, but I guess they do. Sometime no matter how hard you try, they just don't think you try hard enough, they don't appreciate it, and it really brings me down. I'm questioning if I was useless, if I am the problem. People try to convince me that I'm not and yet I still waver. Rista was saying that she knew me as a strong girl. I don't know if I ever was, maybe I was and now I am getting weaker. You think that by going through things alone and having to take care of myself, I would grow stronger. The truth is I feel that I'm getting weaker. Maybe when that walls of protection from family and closest friends are gone, you kinda get so vulnerable and when you got attacked you just got weaker...and weaker. I'm sorry people. I don't mean to be suicidal, but I am just really tired. Hmm...just wanna say that I'm not really that mad about the people involved because the fear that I have about this situation is bigger than all the dumb things people did. I hope no more dramatic things are going to happen. Man, what am I? Living in soap opera? Anyway...Back to the Linkin Park topic. So yeah, been hearing their songs every morning to prep me to face the day ahead. There are 2 songs that suddenly really jumped to my mind: A Place For My Head and Hit The Floor. I'm just going to put Hit The Floor here. I know the upper hand will never be mine and I should never hope for revenge, so I'm just going to make do with this song to kinda cheer me up

There are just too many times that people have tried to look inside of me wondering what I think of you and I protect you out of courtesy. Too many times that I've held on when I needed to push away. Afraid to say what was on my mind. Afraid to say what I need to say. Too many things that you've said about me when I'm not around. You think having the upper hand means you've got to keep putting me down. But I've had too many stand-offs with you. It's about as much as I can stand. Just wait until the upper hand is mine.

So many people like me put so much trust in all your lies. So concerned with what you think to just say what we feel inside. So many people like me walk on eggshells all day long. All I know is that all I want is to feel like I'm not stepped on. There are so many things you say that make me feel like you've crossed the line. What goes up will surely fall and I'm counting down the time 'Cause I've had so many stand-offs with you. It's about as much as I can stand. So I'm waiting until the upper hand is mine

One minute you're on top. The next you're not. Watch it drop. Making your heart stop. Just before you hit the floor.
One minute you're on top. The next you're not. Missed your shot. Making your heart stop. You think you won.

And then it's all gone

I know I'll never trust a single thing you say. You knew your lies would divide us but you lied anyway. And all the lies have got you floating up above us all. But what goes up has got to fall!

Mean? Well I don't f**king care. Okay the positive thing out of this is that I realize actually I have people that genuinely care for me. It's kinda overwhelming because I don't really get why they would care so much. Thank you God. I'm seriously so thankful for all the people who tried to cheer me up and all. Sorry for still being so depressed. The worries and fear is still there. Hmm...let's talk something nicer My crush HaHa People are actually so interested with this. Yeah, me publicizing it, is asking for questions A guy said that he must be some guy for being able to make me change my nickname just like that. Hhmm...I don't know but I guess he's quite an opinionated person, with brain. Intriguing for me, but again this kinda people maybe too much to handle. Anyway, I think as usual it will go nowhere. I think he has someone It's okay...A girl doesn't live on guys alone

:) eKa @ 12:47:00 AM • 0 comments